Schizophrenia Diaries

The Beginning of a new month, and find out that I was dianosed with shizophrenia. I never thought that i would be 1 of 100 people that would ever get it.

Its so weird waking up and not really knowing where I am, not knowing whos around me, seeing things that arent really there, and hearing things that are in my head but arent infront of me or connected to electronic. I thought and I didnt know what was next. I have more then shizophrenhia really set me to thinking if I really had something to wait for next. I was told that it could be cured, but it would be still there, it just takes time getting used to, and actually living with it. I am 14 years old. I have bipolar, paranoia, shizophrenhia, and its my main problem well one of them, I never know what to do. Feeling so afraid of going anywhere alone, and afraid to talk to people.

Shizophrenia, it feels like its taken over me, and who I am as a person.

Some people call me Aftie. This is what my family calls me.

Mostly what comes to mind right now are the misunderstandings and misJudgements I swim through, and have at times nearly drowned in.

Some people come to the conclusion that Im mentally ill based on life choices, an offensive lifestyle that is labelled inappropriate and wrong.

I became overwhelmed. Delusions and hallucinations were obvious at the age of 17…but i tried all i could, to push them away inside me and keep them to myself.

I did not know how to approach others about what was happening inside me…raised mormon and I felt i must be a nasty-wicked little thing, be doing something terribly wrong to be having this sort of waking nightmare. I was angry and fearful, and at times i still get this way, but i have memories and knowledge and experiences I may look to when I feel i can’t go on, or what’s the point.

Dancing…this is what i love most. My eating habits intrigue most…whether people are curious or discusted is another thing.

I bring up dancing and food….and meds…

Stretching and light yoga practice release tension and improve my mood and state of body incredibly…when walking in thrown in for good measure.

People say I have not given the meds enough time to do their magic.

But I swear my body would have shut down had i gone on with that little amount of circulation, and I love my eye sight…thank you very much. The tightness and increase in blood preasure causes my limbs to feel locked up and my flexibility is strained and forced.

I love to dance and it is what sets me free and such a reason to love life and live…when the health of my physical body is hurting and compromised and set off on a drowsy spinning flop of heaviness and exhustion…when im not up to dancing or my body is unable to, caused by meds i’m so curious to know if there are positive things from meds…how come ?

anyhow, i feel scattered now. And im taking seroquel and clopixol….im close to giving them up…they are scary as any episode ive been through.

Please words of encouragement.

Aftie