Schizophrenia Diaries

Hi, my name is Shyanne Powell I was born on september, 29 1990, when I was growing up my mom, grandpa, and I had tooken care and helped my granmother who suffered from schitzophrenia and other problems that were physical, I remember waking up every night to remind her to take off her oxegyn before she started smoking her ciggeretts, then in augest 4, 2004 we laid her to rest I was 13 going on 14.

After, I had started the eighth grade alot of things started to change both me and my so called friends but of course the whole time i was growing up i had no real friends who cared but that year is what kicked started everything after my grandmothers death it seemed like and felt like things had changed over night my sucidle thoughts had become worse and I had become paranoid about everything then, there was a night i whould never forget, i had gone over to a so called friends house me and her where thinking about starting a band so we desided to have a sleep over so i went over and once my mom left she asked me if i wanted to get high i said yes of course only because i was peer pressured, that night i went to sleep and was raped, after that it was nothing but halusanations and paranoia.

when i had tured 15 years old i had been idmitted for the first time, i was in and out of hospitles for 3 or 4 years my exsperiances at those places brought me more harm than good all i got was my thoughts and dreams washed away by telling me i whould not make it to graduate high school and i was indangered to be homeless then finally my finnal time in a hospital to one that i had been to seven or more times they had finnaly found the medacine that worked and its name is “clozerail” and once released i was put in a group home but the real test was when i had started school my senier year i had missed my other three years so i was pretty excited although it wasnt a normal school with sports or what not but it was pretty cool with the art classes i got into it but what made me irratated was when my case worker and team was trying to stop me from graduating on time which i did not listen i kept working then my voc rehab specialist tryed to convince my school princabule to have me stop
school for the rest of the year so i could get funding and graduate late , my princable did not go for it she thought it was crule so i continued my work and graduated high school on time with my class,

class of 2009

Hi! My name is Julia and I’m 20 and I have been struggling with schizophrenia for about a year now. I tripped on Coricidin Cough and Cold last year in February (08) and kept taking it for three days, I didn’t get over it for a week and had been dropped on the street on my head, I didn’t come out all that well, I thought my boyfriend was a serial killer and was going to kill me so I hid knives through out the house. I broke up with him when I thought he was being overbearing and went home to live with my mom. Through out the summer I was doing fine until I felt like people were watching me and talking about me in coded messages in front of me. At first I called them the papanazi’s as a joke, but then it got serious and then I thought I was on some kind of hidden camera show and no one was going to tell me, I thought they hid cameras in my shower and everything and wouldn’t go to the bathroom or take showers for days at a time. Then I went on a vacation with a group of friends
and was listening to people “talk” about me. It seemed like they could hear my thoughts. It was at that moment I knew I was totally screwed, people were going to know every little bad thing I had ever done in my life. When I got home from the trip my mom put me in the hospital, I didn’t want to go. I thought everyone was just lying and they were going to hide my gift under mental illness and treat me like dirt. I fought tooth and nail. They put me on drugs. Then I found out it was my right to go off the drugs, as soon as I did I started hearing voices, the voices of everyone around me so I thought I could communicate with everyone around me. Then one day God spoke to me and told me he hated me and to kill myself. He said God wouldn’t say that to you would he, then he said “Must be the Devil” Then he said I was going to die the next day of a heartattack. They put me back in the hospital and back on the pills. They diagnosed me with Drug Induced Psychosis. This was in
like November (08). Now it’s May (09) and I’ve been living out of the hospital and on meds since, my stays were only about a week long. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 2 weeks ago and it finally shocked me awake. I now think it’s … possible… that people might not be able to hear my thoughts. But I don’t know how to adjust how I think to fully accommodate this new revelation. Last night I wasn’t able to sleep and I started hearing voices. I decided to listen to the voices, because listening to them helps me to fall asleep faster. My fiance talks in his sleep. While I was listening to the voices one said I love you and then another said I love you more and at the same time my fiance said in his sleep I love you more. So I still think that if you’re reading you know exactly who I am and all the world hears my thoughts. But I’m trying to disbelieve that. My goal right now is to get stable enough to someday go off the meds and have a baby, which brings on a whole
slew of new problems. Like it everyone can hear my thoughts I’m never going to be able to have sex, or my kids will know how crazy I am, or when I’m scared too… just a whole slew of things you wouldn’t want your kids knowing. I really hope people can’t hear my thoughts… Thanks for listening, God Bless!

My brother is schizophrenic. This is so difficult to understand or explain. Anyone who has had to deal with a schizophrenic knows that it is a huge, unexpected hurtle- and often it feels like something that will never be overcome. My brother was always one of my best friends growing up… It’s been so hard to accept that he will always struggle with this. That I will probably never know that person again. He can’t understand his illness, he can’t even accept that he has an illness. He is currently committed to a local institution, so he is close by, but he’s further away mentally than he has ever been. I miss my brother more that I let on- I miss everything about him. I have so many thoughts and emotions about this whole ordeal, but It’s useless to try to explain them all- it’s all wasted breath because nothing will change the fact of the matter. I don’t know what else to say, it sucks?!

I was staying at home alone while my friends were studying for college entrance exam. I squatted myself down on the couch with empty eyes. I wanted to turn on the radio, but I was afraid to do so. It would make me weak. The silence broke my heart.

I was shivering. I badly wanted anyone to come, but I was alone. Parents thought I was just stressed. However, I knew I was not all right. I couldn’t believe the existence of the world. I tried and tried to prove it, but I kept failing.

In the evening, parents came. I acted a nice daughter with a heart filled with disbelief. I couldn’t explain the way I felt to them, because I was doubting their existence.

It took me some three years to get it over. During the time I stalked two people on-line. I still hurts my heart. People would not understand me, but I just wanted to be saved by them.

So here is snapshot of present day;

My symptoms are still mild. I have a very conscious grasp of what is real and what is fictitious manifestations. I did recently have a 15-20 volume day. Which was a bit worrisome. I have since the realization, and am currently choosing not to seek out psychiatric help or to experiment with a regiment of meds. I may change my mind in the future. But as it stands I am very cognisantly aware that having such diagnosis documented can have some very profound personal and professional long term consequences.

At a later point the symptoms may become so burdensome that the costs are worthwhile. At this time they are not. I do wrestle with a lot of “what ifs?” . The biggest is the concern of being able to distinguish “the line”, before I reach it, of where I need to relinquish control of my life and affairs to someone else. I struggle with the ethics of parenting and the ethics of attempting to have a long term relationship. I am single and I am a parent. Is it fair to burden these people with the unknown symptoms which may or may not cause huge impacts and sadness on people who did not sign up for the job.

In the same breath, why shouldn’t I be able to have such joys in my life too? Why do I have to make the sacrifices? Can I control it enough to have reasonably normal life? If I can’t control the symptoms and have to make such huge sacrifices, do I want to subject myself to the whims of the mental health system? Can I cope with the dampening down effect of the meds? Do I want to? I’m an extremely free spirited bird. Really who benefits from the effects of the drugs, if I have made such huge sacrifices in my life?

Is life with a huge lead weight or life in a state of frantic disillusionment better? Who chooses what life is better? For now its me. I can. And I can do it responsibly. But to ensure that my choice is not taken away prematurely, I must keep my condition private to most. I have shared with two people whom I trust, and have asked them to give me feedback and to assist me as needed or in a worse case scenario to take whatever measures are needed to protect myself and family in a careful way. I only hope it never gets there.