I am afflicted by delusions and hallucinations. I believe that some kind of a device or power opens up my thoughts to the public so that everyone can know what I’m thinking or feeling. This is particularly problematic in crowds, when everyone is staring at me and whispering about me. Frustratingly, while the crowd all know what I’m thinking, I have no idea what they are thinking or saying.

I hear strange voices, especially in crowds, directing derogatory expletives at me.

I am also bothered by the appearance of shadowy bugs crawling all over my walls. But when I jump after them to squash them they are always gone, or they were never there to begin with.

Bizarre and obnoxious odors plague me often. One smell I can best describe as the stench of an old man’s dirty dentures. Another is like burning rat excrement. Another is a sweet chemical smell.

Some times there is a very frightening sound in my house. When my family is not home I hear what sounds like soldiers marching in the upper story. When I go up to investigate I can never find them.

All of this came upon me gradually from early adulthood. It all escaped diagnosis until I was 52 years old. I had always just thought I was different and strange. I have never liked crowds. I have never had close friends. I crave silence and isolation. I pretty much stay in my home and listen to music, which masks and covers the voices and sounds. I am on Risperidone. citalopram, and bupropion. These medications have helped significantly, but not cured the problem.

Sometimes the room im in will turn all red and blood slowly will drip from ceiling and floor. Sometimes I’ll feel crawling centipedes all over me. People will touch me and not be there. The smells are disgusting. Vomit. Burning rubber. Pee. Poop. Sometimes every stinky smell in the world all at once.

I can see the future. Think something and it happens. The voices screech at me trying to wreck me. Make me miserable. I dont know where those demon voices come from. The people voices, either. All kinds of voices at once. Its a nightmare. They tell me everyone hates me. Everyone in the world is coming together and poisoning me.

Thats why i dont take drinks. Because the poision is in there. Somewhere. At the top. At the bottom. People think us schizophrenics are just crazy. We’re not crazy. We just dee things differenly than them. We arre suffering. Suffering. Suffering….

Over the years I had began to identify certain aspects of my disorder. I learned to identify the sounds, and hallucinations I had. I never have been medicated nor do I want to be. I think that if I medicate myself I will lose a part of my own self control…even though it seems to me I am trying to control that which cannot be controlled. The sounds I hear are usually one word commands or short phrases, and most the time they are being screamed at me. At night, before I try to sleep, they tend to be worse. Usually I hear voices yelling, “NO!” or “STOP!” or I will hear someone yelling for me or a familiar voice it seems saying something to me but I never can make it out. When I try to sleep I hear this whispering sound, like a room full of people, sometimes seeming like 20-30 voices all whispering, and I can never make it out, other than a couple of words here and there. This makes it almost impossible for me to sleep, and sometimes I go days without sleeping. I am
currently advised to see a doctor because my blood pressure is so high because my body does not sleep. Not only that my appearance has changed from lack of sleep, my eyes always give me away.

I see things, but they are almost always quick and sudden. I see something in front me and when it registers in my head of what I saw, when I turn to look again, it’s gone. Sometimes I see things though that don’t go away so easily. I was once in Tampa, and I was at a party that I was dragged to and this neighborhood was backed next to a swamp. I had decided to take a walk out by the swamp just to get away from the people mainly because they were not the kind of people I wanted to even try to associate with. I was standing next to this small pond, it was dark, and very little light, but I could see pretty well. I stood looking at the water, and then I noticed a face in the water, looking at me. Then I noticed another one, and another one. Then about 10 or so faces were slowly rising out of the water and coming towards me. I was gripped with fear to be honest, and I do not fear many things. I began to notice these faces were not alive. They had frozen eyes staring at
me, and their faces were drawn tight. Their skin was decayed and I began to notice a smell in the air. They rose their heads only about half way out of the water and stared at me. I began to back away and then they went back under very slowly. I took a few moments to calm myself down and collect what I had seen. I later went home and realized I was hallucinating in a very bad way.

Many times I fight with a voice in my head that tells me stupid shit. I get this overwhelming urge to act on what is being thought or said and it’s like I am there for a ride that I can not control. Most the time this voice leads me in a right direction, but sometimes when I get to the point of no going back and that voice has lead me to look, or say, or do something completely fucking stupid, it’s like that voice just bails on me and I am left there confused and stunned trying to figure out a way to back out of what I did, or said. In this I am I think of myself as never truly alone…even though I am…no relationship has ever worked positive for me. My friends have bailed on me, or I have pushed them away. I am truly alone, but its like when I am sitting at home, in the dark, all alone…I feel a hand on my shoulder and sometimes if I look to see the person who is there, I get a quick glimpse of a familiar face that almost looks like me, but it’s not…the eyes are
different and the face is weathered…it’s not me, but I feel connected…then it’s gone.

For days I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid the feds were gonna come arrest me as an enemy combatant, no habeas corpus thanks to the evil patriot act. I started hearing voices. There were noises in my attic. There was knocking on my front door, with no one there. I saw my shadow at night moving independently of myself like peter pan’s. The tv began talking to me. The radio was playing songs just for me, everything threatening me. I heard people talking about me over a walkie talkie I had. I was watching The Matrix over and over again, as well as X-men 2. I was convinced I was the one, like Neo, like anakin skywalker. A superhuman mutant who could speak to the dead.

One night my tv convinced me that I was to meet with my CIA recruiter finally. I wandered around for hours expecting to meet with Donald Rumsfield. I was walking around in a thick forest with no flash light. I wasn’t sure if he was going to kill me or not. I went back home. Consulted my talking television one more time. This time it told me exactly where to go. I made a run for it. I remember throwing up as I walked to this strangers house. When I reached the rendezvous point the street lamp began flickering on and off rapidly. Then this man across the street lit off some illegal fireworks with a strobe flash too. Bingo, this stranger, this man, was my CIA recruiter.

I walked up to him and joked about the illegal fireworks and he asked me if I was a cop. I joked again that I was indeed a cop winking at him knowingly. He asked to see my badge. Not having one I pulled a 25 cent piece out of my pocket as my badge. He freaked out and told me to get the bleep off his property. I thought he was just testing me. So I refused. He grabbed a baseball bat and once again demanded I leave his property. I stood firm winking at him the whole time. He called the cops

They showed up in force, pointing guns at me. I was arrested for criminal trespass and impersonating a cop. I still was convinced that this was all a test, like in the recruit when they put him in jail to try and break him. Jail, just part of the initiation process to make sure I could keep my mouth shut. And keep my mouth shut is what i did. I didn’t say a word to the cops. I didn’t even speak when they booked me. I was totally non-compliant. I was thrown in a isolation cell for 7 days. It was hell. I refused to go with the program. I was convinced I was the chosen one, after all the voices in jail were telling me that. I believed I was the Manchurian candidate. That I was a robot built by the Chinese, that it was really the year 2500. I was to be the leader of the army of the dead to destroy George W. Bush for his wicked ways. And bring peace to the galaxy. ha ha. I was terrified I thought now that the CIA was evil and were trying to infiltrate the jail and assassinate me, before I could assassinate you know who.

To make a long story short they broke me. I hadn’t slept in almost 10 days. I took the anti-psychotics offered me and was released into a mental hospital where I was there for 3 weeks. It took me a long time to come back down to reality. If anyone is curious what schizophrenia is like just watch the movie EAGLE EYE. That’s what they did to me. Once they choose you, they control you! Thank god in my case that it was all in my head. Thank god for anti-psychotics. I could not live without Seroquel.

Lots of times Ill tell a story about something and a few days later it will happen on tv. Like Ill be telling my friend about a show and then it will come on. Ive seen but a few movies I dont know whats going to happen. I can almost always, just about 90% of the time tell you what time it is. The only 3 clocks in my house are this computer I got not that long ago, and my friends pc and alarm clock in his room. We have no down stairs clocks. I can guess what time it is within 20 mins every time. Usually im with in 5-6 mins. Ive always heard static. Like live voltage always surging. Often one ear will go deaf to all but a high pitch tone. As I grew I started to hear my name being called out, when I was alone. I often hear something like something is moving around but theres not.

The voices I hear are kinda cool. They help me out sometimes. Other times they mess with me but its all in fun. They like to say:(Hey! Look!), in a wisper and Ill look over and see a hot chick bent over or something cool like that. Their on it! They point out a lot of good stuff. Other times they just converse, and b/s with me. We joke around and talk crap and all the stuff you talk to all your other friends about.

Now Id like to tell you about seeing things. Ok, I know every kid thinks they see the boogie man, but what if your not afraid. I was scared of nothing lots of times, Im sure they messed with me a bit. But any thing I thought I could catch I could kill and not get in trouble for it. I always saw this little guy who looked like a cat. he was all white and had a top hat and monicle. he was about the size of a cat on its hind legs. THat little cat thing used to always stare at me and some times just laugh. I didnt get it. I wasnt doing anything when he came around. I was always just sitting there. He would nevr talk to me or dare come close. At first I was afriad. But he messed up and ran. letting me know he was scared. From that day on I knew I could destroy any of them. But theirs never been a need.

Their not my friends like the voices. I like the voices their cool. The things I see however arnt my frinds but I dont dislike them. Sometimes they do cool things to see or make sweet things happen. They always stay a distance away but a few times theyve come close but its been cool. The things I see can only be called that. I think them to be demons. They are never live people. I do see dead people when I drive and some times Im afraid one time the person standing in the street staring is going to be real. That would suck. Most of the time its some kinda beast looking thing. They always look mean but their not so bad. But all they do is come up and look at me.

I think the voices in my head are here to help me. I think the things I see are hear to just observe me, just keep an eye on me. I often think I maybe a mastermind power of evil like none other. Lots of times I really hear music clean and clear playing loudly. It plays whatever Im in that mood of thinking. If Im angry or just juiced up I hear death metal or psychobilly. When Im calm and just thinking I ofthen hear classical. I hear classical more then anything. I have always had a problem with keeping my thoughts in order. I cant consintrate sometimes. I kinda just drift off and the world around me disapears. If I just stare The whole world becomes gray and then whatevers on my mind is what I see.

I day dream as it were. This is all from when I was a little kid. When I was little their were only 2 people in the whole world I actually cared about. I always wanted them around. My grandpa from my mom, and my dad was the second. But not in that order. My parents devorsed when I was 4. I have a brother 13 months to the day younger. My brother and I lived good with our grandparents untill I was 8. Then we had to move in with our mom. Shes not a good mother to say the least. My brother and I had a really crappy life from then on. When I was 10 our dad died in a car wreck 3 days after my brothers birthday. We have another brother living somewhere with his horrible dad from our mom. My dad remarried soon after and gave us another brother and 2 sisters. They are all good people. A lot of doctors tell me this is why Im mess up. from my dad dying, and my less then happy upbringing.I am a musician. I play guitar and upright bass. Im very god and in fact think myself to one of the best.

Anyway I had a psychobilly band. Get that? schizo-psycho? Well, I did a lot of LSD. I mean I was droping 1 1/2, to 2 1/2 strips at a time. Yes strips. Thats 15 to 25 hits of acid at once. A lot of people think thats my prob. But I saw and heard things way before I ever tripped. I belive myself to be a grand master of LSD. If you know nothing about it, how it works and what it does, go find out now! In short it connects all the reseptors in your brain. Yes IT MAKES YOU SMARTER!!! By conecting everything it enlighens you.

I used to do a chinese meditaton called tai-chi. Its all about chi and and stuff. Look it up! With my studies of chi and LSD, I believe my self to be on another plane above evryone else. I can do things because on my use that other people will never be able to do. Using chi, I can make and physical thing I want in my hand and to me be 100% physical. Other people who I know can also do great things with their minds on LSD. If someone I know is tripping I can make them belive anything I want. I can even make people belive theyve forgotten how to read. I know a cop who once was doubting if he could read because he was drunk.

If you can physically make something like I can then I can change whatever youve made into whatever I want. I can melt it, just make it so hot you’ll drop it, or that cold, that you’ll start shivering. no matter what the real temp, and I can change it back and forth on you as I want. With LSD I can make new demintions. Ive stepped past real life. I can make a new world when ever I want. I think being schizo and a god from LSD use has been the greatest. I dont take meds or go to counsiling. When I was taking meds and talking to my doc, I was like a zombie and all my friends left me. I got real lonely. Everyone told me I looked like hell. Everyone was telling me a lot of stuff. You know what Ive found? Its all stuff bullstuff. How the hell can they claim to know whats going on in a crazys head when theyve never smoked a joint? Never played guitar high? Or god forbid trip and open their minds!

And I proved it. Heres how. I was taking all my meds. I mean to the T of when I was susposed to. I never missed one! I was trying to stop smoking pot but I love it soo much. The doc tell me to stop. But I never have. One day after my 3rd suicide atempt, I have lots of high power meds. I woke up and said F this, this isnt fun. I stoped taking my meds and started smoking more pot. No more meds, but I was still going to talk to the doc 1 times a week. After about 6 months of his b/s. He started to tell me I looked a lot better and that I was doing very well. All tanks to my meds and his help. Well about 4 months before was when I stoped the meds. As for his help, and ALL head doc. their full of crap. I never told them anything because the first time I talkd to someone and tryed to get help they locked me up. put me in a hospital/jail. And I never did anything wrong!

So like hell was I gonna tell them anything. BUt anyway. The day my doc said I was doing very well and was thinking about cutting back our meetings, I just told him outright what was up. That I stoped the meds months ago and that I never really told him anything only what he wanted to hear. Then as I had shut him down and made him feel stupid, I walkd out and never looked back. I disregaurded everything the docs told me and stopped taking my meds, and THEY said I was better! HAHAHAH!!! Docs are jokes! Now I live a lot easier. My friends are back, I hear the music again, and I see what I see.

I had several other episodes and wound up taking a lot of different trips in those years. I once tried to ride my bicycle to Washington, DC, to speak to the President, but I was picked up in Maryland. On a subsequent attempt to visit and speak with the President I was picked up by the New York City Police and refused to tell them my name, because I was told by God if they knew who I was they would kill me. I had not committed any crime and they knew I was delusional so I was sent to Bellevue Hospital. I remained there for 10 days.

At 13, I had auditory hallucinations telling me to kill myself, so I overdosed on pills. At the local hospital it was decided for my safety I should be sent to long-term care. I was committed to a State hospital, where I was kept for 9 months. I was given a diagnosis of schizophrenia and put on several different kinds of medication. I also received electroconvulsive therapy and hydrotherapy. At that time, the medicines of choice were Thorazine, Stellizine, and Mellarile. The side effects of those medications were so horrible that I never stayed on the medications very long. I found the best alternative was “self-medicating” by abusing alcohol and drugs, which I did starting at age 14.

I graduated high school and got a scholarship for art school. Because I wasn’t in a liberal arts curriculum, though, I couldn’t avoid the draft, and nobody in the service believed there was anything wrong with me—they thought I was trying to get out of going to Vietnam. So I went, and finished a 3½-year term of service. I did manage to complete my education, and after that, I moved to Florida, where I’ve lived ever since.

In my adult life, I’ve had about nine serious suicide attempts, and I’ve been hospitalized 15 times (two of which were long-term stays). When I was 35, a doctor from Chicago started coming down in the summers. He rediagnosed me as bipolar with psychotic features. In addition to the other medicines, I started taking lithium, which helped a lot. However, I still couldn’t change my addiction to drugs and alcohol, and the use of these substances only seemed to create havoc in my life.

It wasn’t until the mid-80s that I found really positive treatment after I became involved with a peer support group. I learned a lot from my fellow consumers about medications and therapy that could serve as alternatives to the treatment I’d had. I have been on several of the newer medications and since then my life has taken a turn for the better. Since then, I have devoted myself to psychiatric advocacy and improvement of the mental health delivery system. In 1992, I opened a drop-in center in Naples, FL, which I ran for about 5 years. This experience not only helped me in my recovery and helped me maintain my mental health stability, but it also allowed me to share and hear other ideas about maintaining a normal life.

I want to share my story in hopes of giving others with psychiatric disabilities the knowledge that they are not alone and there is hope for the future. Recovery is possible and there is no shame in having a brain disease.