- SCHOOL LIFE
When I was 11 years old I left junior school and went to Kingshurst Comprehensive. I was the only person from my junior school to go to this comprehensive. This was the first stage in my isolation. While at the comprehensive I was never myself and acted the clown in class.

On top of this, when I was 11 or 12, my dad found out that my mother was seeing another man who she had met on holiday in Spain. They did not divorce but the atmosphere at home became more and more strained over time.

When I was 15 I went on a school trip to France and ended up going out with a girl called Karen. She was 13 and yet far more experienced than me. We had a great time but it did not last. On coming back to school I felt uncomfortable about going out with someone younger than myself.. A week after the French trip I went on a geography field trip in Wales. Almost by accident, I ended up going out with Catherine who I had liked for some time. On returning from the trip I ran into Karen who quite rightly gave me a hard time and made me feel really bad about myself. I carried on going with Catherine for a few weeks but things did not work out and I decided to call things off. I phoned up Karen and told her about it. I hoped we could get together but she did not want to know.

Over the next year I became more and more depressed but still managed to get good marks in my exams.

- SIXTH FORM
When I left Kingshurst Comprehensive, I realised that I was in no fit state to cope on my own. I chose to attend Solihull Sixth Form College to continue my education. Only two others from my comprehensive went there and I did not really get on with them. I did not last very long and I soon changed establishments. I chose to go to Archbishop Grimshaw School where a few of my friends had gone. Unfortunately, I did not fit in. I think I had changed and had become less friendly.

While at Archbishop Grimshaw I took my first overdose but nobody knew about it. When I went to the doctor’s I just said I had food poisoning.

After one year at Archbishop Grimshaw I quit and went back to Solihull Sixth Form College. Again, I did not fit in and I continually changed classes. In History I met Elizabeth who I really liked. I think she liked me as well but I never had the guts to ask her out. Eventually I gave her a note and she smiled. She left the room and when I saw her downstairs in the common room I ignored her and I didn’t know what to say. This put her off.

The first year at Solihull Sixth Form College past by and the summer holidays arrived. I spent the time alone at home feeling isolated. I had a big argument with my mother and hit her across the face. At this time, either just before or just after this incident I took my second overdose.

While still on holiday I went into Solihull looking for Elizabeth. The first pub I went into was the Saddler’s Arms and she was there with her boyfriend. On seeing me she got up and left. I was in a bad state at this time. Soon after this, I returned to college and handed Elizabeth another note asking her out. She laughed and said no. I lost my temper and poured a cup of tea over her head and we both started shouting at each other. I then left the building. When I returned I was told that I had been expelled. The following day I handed in all my books. On leaving I saw Elizabeth in the common room but didn’t say anything. I returned shortly afterwards but she had gone. A few days later t took my third overdose.

- EARLY ADULT LIFE
For the following four years I was unemployed. I lived at home with my dad. My mother left home and moved in with Sam in a flat in Kingshurst.

In some ways this was all a relief to me. A lot of the pressure had been lifted. I had failed but life goes on. I was quite lethargic. I did very little apart from reading and writing poetry.

When I was 22 years old I got a job as a clerical assistant at British Telecom and bought my first car, a red Ford Fiesta. I stayed there for about 18 months before I gave it up to work for my brother. He ran an advertising agency that promoted premium telephone lines. He also had his own premium rate telephone business which was promoted by the agency.

During this time I spent a lot of time in Solihull town centre hoping to meet someone. The first girl I fell for was called Bonita. I gave her a red rose and then ran away. I did not know what to say to her. I saw her quite often but never spoke to her. I was churning up inside. I spoke to a couple of her friends and they let slip that Bonita worked at a local newsagent. I eventually found out which newsagent this was and paid Bonita a visit. She was not very happy. I left her a poem but this only freaked her out more. Things got worse. I was looking for work and entered an employment agency in Shirley. Bonita was on the reception. I thought it was destiny but she told the staff about me and I was made to feel a little unwelcome. As time went by, I would post letters through the letterbox at the employment agency addressed to Bonita. I felt so isolated and she was the only hope I had or so it seemed. I had to hold onto something.

- MIDDLE TWENTIES
Eventually, I realised that Bonita was not for me and my attention turned to two other girls. Emma and Claire. I wrote Claire a poem and presented Emma with some red roses. Things slowly got out of hand. I spoke to Claire a few times to ask her out but she said she had a boyfriend. I gave her a book about Frida Kahlo, my favourite artist, but the paintings shocked her and she told her parents who reported me to the police. I was also shocked when the police stopped me, I had the shakes. Soon my reputation spread and some local lads started following me and giving me abuse. At this stage, I took my fourth overdose, my first for over 8 years. Claire knew these local lads and every weekend I would go into Solihull town centre and get abused and then Claire would show up. I was convinced that she like me and that if I only had the courage to talk to her I could sort things out, but I never did. I was on a roller-coaster ride of emotions. At times I gave up on her and tried to go out with Emma but she found out about how I treated Bonita and did not want anything to do with me.

While all this was going on I was still working for my brother apart from a 6 month period when I was sacked after an argument. On returning I got involved in setting up some businesses for the company overseas. I spent time in Portugal and then later on in Cyprus. Eventually, my brother decided to sell his business in Cyprus and I was offered a job over there to help run the business and try to set up operations in the Middle East. I arranged a flat in Limassol and flew over to start my new adventure. I was nearly 29. This was my dream job. I was still hoping to sort things out with either Emma or Claire. I was planning out my life hoping to marry the perfect girl and have a great job working abroad. However, I was deluding myself. Things were about to get much worse.

THE ILLNESS
- THE START
While in Cyprus working for Michael at Telemedia I had my 29th birthday. A couple of weeks later I returned to the UK for a week hoping to sort things out with Clare but I never saw her. I came back to Cyprus and fortunately arranged some interviews in the middle-east. As things happened, one guy I met was planning to set up his own business in the United Arab Emirates. I persuaded him that we would be ideal partners. On the telephone he suggested that he visit our operations in the UK and Cyprus. This was the crunch time! I could stay in Cyprus or return to the UK and hope that the UAE business would take off. Things were not going to well in Cyprus. I decided to leave and left the Cyprus operation in a mess and losing money. I hoped that my brother would re-form a partnership with Michael and run the business together in the UAE.

When I returned to the UK I had no job. I was waiting for the UAE business to start but I soon realised that this could take some time. On returning, I saw Clare in Solihull with a few boys. It was clear that she was not interested in me. One of my main reasons for returning was the hope of going out with Claire. Slowly my life was falling apart. My home in Monkspath was being rented out so I stayed with my mother and Sam at their flat in Kingshurst. I thought I would be there for a few months. As it turned out I was to stay there for 3 years.

While working for my brother and then for Michael in Cyprus I was on a good salary and could afford a house in Monkspath but now I could not get a job that paid more than 10k a year. I was still hoping the UAE business would take off. I started to do temporary work and then got a job as a media administrator at an advertising agency.

The start of my breakdown began here. I was working with an Indian girl called Nicky and I told her a little bit about Claire. I started to get paranoid. I thought that she knew Claire and that she was deliberately winding me up. I also thought that both Claire and Nicky had made contact with my mum and were planning a party for my 30th birthday in February. Things with Nicky became too much and I resigned after 8 weeks. I then flew to Cyprus for a holiday.

In January I was offered a temporary job at Apricot computers which I was told could lead to a permanent position. I thought Claire had arranged the job for me. While at Apricot computers I was invited to job interviews at BRMB and the Birmingham Evening Mail. I thought that Nicky had arranged these because she felt guilty about me losing my job. I was becoming delusional. I thought that the staff at Apricot computers knew about Claire and me and were planning a surprise birthday party for me at which I would meet Claire. I tried to top this idea and asked if I could fly to Cyprus for my 30th birthday.

I was hoping that they could arrange for Claire to come with me. I bought a bunch of red roses and took them to the airport and asked of they could be taken on the plane. The following day at Apricot computers I felt a tense atmosphere. I came to the conclusion that Claire knew someone at the airport and that by taking the roses there I had spoilt the surprise. I was in a panic. I thought that through my stupidity Claire would not urn up. That evening I returned to the airport and picked up the flowers. I took them to Brueton Park and threw them in the bushes. The following day was my 30th birthday. I still hoped that Claire would turn up but no joy. I arrived in Limassol and signed into the Mediterranean Beach Hotel. I still deluded myself. I convinced myself that Claire might be an air stewardess and had come over on another flight. I even imagined that she was staying in the bedroom next to mine. I visited Michael in Nicosia and asked him if he knew Claire. I was still trying to create my dream world, but that was all it was, a dream that was fast turning into a horrific nightmare.

- FIRST ADMISSION
I came back from Cyprus feeling depressed. My job at Apricot computers had finished and I had not been offered a full-time position. I thought that everyone was angry with me for messing up their plans for my 30th birthday party. I kept on going into Solihull hoping to meet Claire. The idea came into my head that she would re-arrange things for Easter and that maybe we could fly out to Cyprus to celebrate Easter there. The pressure on me was growing, everything was falling apart and I just could not accept it. I spent a couple of weeks on Parade Mailing and then I worked for my brother for a few weeks. Working for my brother was really stressful and I was starting to get messages from the newspapers and the radio. I thought that certain headlines were intended for me. I saw one article about Richard Branson which I thought was encouraging my original thinking and that I had the potential to be a great entrepreneur. I was starting to get illusions of grandeur. I thought that I was an important person and that secret operations took place at Birmingham Business Park which is where Apricot computers were located. I started to think that the government knew about me, that I had telepathic powers, and that I could transmit messages on TV and radio just by thinking thoughts. I imagined that scriptwriters could read my mind and would include my thoughts and ideas in their programmes.

On the Wednesday after the Grand National and US Masters I finally cracked. I spent all day in my car driving around in a crazy fashion. I thought that the number plates contained messages for me and that the colour of the car signified whether or not I was safe. I was also getting messages off the radio. I thought that Claire, Emma and Bonita were fighting for my attention by playing different songs on different radio stations. I thought that everyone was forming alliances either to help me or hinder me. I thought that Rupert Murdoch and Richard Branson were involved. I drove along the Stratford Road heading for London to see John Major or his representatives. I thought that MI5 and MI6 were onto me and following me around. I reached Henley-in-Arden feeling dizzy not knowing what to do. I drove near to a church just past Henley-in-Arden and stopped the car. I got out of the car and walked over to a green patch of land. I thought I would be safe there. I thought green colours could protect me. After a short time an RSPCA van came by and the woman in the van spoke to me. I was obviously looking distressed.

I don’t know what I said to her but she evidently decided to call the police in Stratford-upon- Avon. A police car arrived and took me away to the police station. I must have been there about one or two hours. I traded riddles and nursery rhymes with one of the pc’s. I thought his stories contained hidden messages but he was just playing for time until the doctor arrived. Someone assessed my condition, I had no idea he was a doctor, people came in and out. Then I was taken outside and led to an ambulance. I pleaded with them to let me go. I thought I was being taken hostage. I thought that the UK and US governments had done a deal with Iraq. I thought that this happened, that mental hospitals were filled with victims of psychological warfare and that if you broke enough rules you could be admitted. I had broken too many rules.

I was taken to Central Hospital to be assessed. I thought that I was a victim of psychological warfare. All knowledge of my importance and telepathic powers would be denied. Over time I began to realise that I was indeed ill. I still held onto some of my beliefs. I confided in my mother about Claire and asked her to visit her which she did. She was shocked. Claire told her about me. That she was not interested in me at all and that I followed here everywhere and that she had sold help white Suzuki jeep because of me.

I was in hospital for four weeks. When I left I was on anti-psychotics which were very strong and made me feel like a zombie. I went into Solihull in the hope of seeing Claire and confirming the story my mum had told me. I soon realised that a few people in Solihull knew about my illness. I thought that certain people were trying to send me messages. I went into the Raison D’Etre wine bar and Claire was there with here friends. At first she ignored me, then she spoke to her friends who passed a few remarks which were not very nice. Eventually I left. My life was in pieces, I thought it could not get any worse and yet things kept on deteriorating.

I started working at Parade Mailing again for two weeks then left to work for my brother but the drugs made this impossible so I stopped taking them. The UAE business was finally up and running and I went over there to help set things up. I did not feel too bad. I went over on two occasions. While back in the UK we got news that the business had been closed down due to the fact that an explicit love horoscope had been promoted on one of the telephone lines. This was catastrophic.

- SECOND ADMISSION
I was again out of work. I eventually got a job with an internet company but only lasted a few days. On the day I left my dad died. my mother and me found him lying in bed. I think the stress of this led to my second breakdown. This happened on the 19th December 1995. I again believed that Claire was going to meet me over Christmas. I got into such a state that I stayed out all night the day before my dad’s funeral in a very bad psychotic state. My mum eventually picked me up but I missed my dad’s funeral. I felt ashamed and thought that people would hate me. I still thought that I could sort things out with Clare. I thought that secret societies met in pubs to discuss business matters and industrial espionage.

The day after my dad’s funeral I was sectioned and taken to Solihull Hospital. I thought I was going to be killed. I stayed there four weeks and was then released.

- THIRD ADMISSION
Shortly after this, I went to Emma’s house and found out that she had lost all her hair. This was another shock. It seemed that not only was I suffering but those I cared about were hurting to. My 31st birthday arrived and passed, and then on the 21st February 1996 it would have been my dad’s birthday. A couple of days later I took my fifth overdose in my life. I was first taken to Heartlands Hospital and then transferred to Solihull hospital where I stayed as a voluntary patient for nearly 6 months. I had no energy, I was very lethargic, and stayed in bed nearly all the time I was there. I only had tuna and cucumber sandwiches for both lunch and dinner and occasionally went downstairs to buy myself some chocolate bars. Also at this time, my dad’s home was being emptied and redecorated so that it could be sold. The whole thing passed me by. I did not want to know about it. I could not deal with it. I could not cope with it. I just tried to ignore that fact that it was happening.

- FOUTH ADMISSION
My mother wanted to move to Cyprus and also thought it important that I find accommodation of my own. Up until now, I was still living with her and Sam. I t was arranged with the local council that if I could sell my house in Monkspath I would be offered council accommodation. In time I agreed the sale of my house. I was discharged from hospital and returned to my mum’s until all the paperwork was sorted. I would stay there another 9 months. The house was finally sold in December 1996. In January I was offered a council flat in Chelmsley Wood in a tower block. I turned it down. My mum wrote a letter to the council supported by my consultant suggesting that the accommodation was not suitable. I was offered a second flat in Kingshurst which I accepted. I agreed to move into the flat in April. The stress levels were growing again. This was my worst nightmare. To live in a council flat for the rest of my life, growing old and living alone. I started to get delusional again. I thought that the IRA had planted a bomb under my car. I also tried to prove my telepathic powers. I was determined to watch the Grand National and control the race but it was cancelled due to a bomb scare. I booked my self into The Moat Hotel on Saturday Night feeling very delusional and acting in a bizarre fashion. On the Sunday I drove to Stratford and onward to a Glider Club near Evesham. I told the members there that I thought there was a bomb under my car. They called the police who took me to Evesham police station. They called my mother who took me to Solihull Hospital where I was sectioned. I stayed there two months and was then discharged but I soon stopped taking my medication and quickly became psychotic. I started betting on golf and tennis matches believing I could control the results. When I lost I believed that there were stronger forces working against me. I thought that the Chinese government had dropped a nerve gas over the country and that I was responsible for the death of thousands of people. I thought that people were after me and were trying to trap me. I ran into the back of a red car which I thought was trying to slow me down and was part of the conspiracy. I returned home and took about 8 tablets of olanzapine. I phoned my mum and told her I felt tired. I was taken to Solihull Hospital overnight to be assessed for a potential overdose. I discharged myself the day after but I was still ill.

- FIFTH ADMISSION
In December, I locked myself out of my flat and became psychotic. I walked into Chelmsley Wood police station and asked them to take me to a place of safety, possibly to the church near Solihull town centre. I was locked in a cell overnight. In the morning I was seen by my consultant and later on taken to Solihull hospital by a social worker where I was sectioned again. I was there for 3 months. Over the Christmas period, I was allowed out to go to my brother’s. While I was out I paid three visits to Claire’s home asking her parents to help me. I thought that Clare’s dad wad high up in the business world and could help me. Eventually he and his son Glenn lost their temper. Glenn threw a couple of punches and I knelt on the ground in submission. I think that finally broke the cycle. I had pushed things as far as they could go. I had few illusions left. I started to realise that the only way I could remain stable was to take my medication regularly.

CONCLUSION
I was discharged in March 1998 and I have taken olanzapine on a regular basis ever since. I am now stable and have not been in hospital since. My confidence is slowly building. I have undertaken a few college courses and put together some basic internet sites which help me pass the time. I watch soap operas such as Neighbours and Eastenders, lots of sport, and I listen to radio 5 a lot with its coverage of news and sport.

My next objective is to try and find employment. I have tried a work placement but only lasted a week. My confidence is still a little fragile it seems. Not having a social life and only having one friend can make you feel very unusual. It is difficult relating to other people. The simple routine of working is hard to cope with. The stress levels rise and if you don’t have a social life then you cannot relieve the stress and it grows and grows.

I hope in time I can come to terms with this. I have accepted a lot of things which before I could not deal with. I thought that if I never marry then life would not be worth living. I still hope that I will meet someone special but only time will tell.

FINAL MESSAGE
Where there is life there is hope.

When I reached middle school I was starting a new life in Taiwan with my dad. This was hard because I didn’t know that language that well and everything was in Chinese. I got depression, and started to have delusions about my classmates and my teacher. I would think things like I could think of a jiggly African man and my classmates would laugh, those people are special like me, those teachers are weird they seem special, or my teacher is the best person in the world. She is like qui-gon in star wars and makes it seem like she cares about me imaginary a lot or is really interested in me. When I went to camps in America or school in America as I later realized, It seemed like she was in other people looking or interacting at me.

When I started high school, things were ok the first year. There was only a girl by the name Lisa that I thought was my teacher. The rest of the kids some were just special like they were like Kim possible on the Disney movies or had a secret code since they were special with the teacher. The second year I discovered I was in Lisa’s class like three of them, and I was excited because she seemed like a teacher. Then when I moved out of those classes I only had two. Because in the beginning we were placed into the same groups and the behind each other. I was excitable, but as I switched classes because of math, I discovered I wanted to be with her. So I started to hear voices of her and her new found psychologist kid friend and another Asians very capable friend in another class while I was in my class away from them. This started it all, and before I knew it I was hearing voices, laughing in front of others for no reason, talking to myself at times when was with Lisa and her friends.
My teacher caught this and you guys know the rest of the story.

I went to a psychologist she caught on sent me to a psychiatrist who told me to eat medicine but I refuse since I didn’t believe I have a problem. Later I was having really bad fights with my mother, so once before a meeting with a real psychologist I kicked the window of my mother’s car and it broke. The police came for me and spent me to the psy hospital. I was under 18 then so it was better a youth psychiatric hospital. I spent two weeks there the most you can spend unless you had a really bad problem. But I also had the worst psychotic episode of my life that set the basics for today. I discovered people were trying to get me out, there were angels, my teacher, my two friends Brian and Amy, and my dad who sneakily went around in people making me guess and then I was wrong and right etc, people commenting on my every move and thought, nurses not being who they were, one nurse not as they should in real life I once, looking back and forth at the nurses station making me feel like
as If they were helping me, or there were real people whatever that meant, and people in movies and radios etc. I was totally out of it at the hospital but I didn’t tell anyone for fear that if I told my symptoms would get worse , and plus I could handle it.

Two more school years had pass since my hospitalization. The other time I was hospitalized was for no reason just a argument with my mother. I just passed my time and got out of it. But school went on, and my life became weirder as the people I imagine were in other people. I once imagine them, kissing in front of me, in real people who were kissing!! That was really stupid and embarrassing. Even to today it is still like this. There are people in other people anywhere I go following me, and living with me day to day, etc.

I was also creative. My mother did not know abut my agressions. or my reactions to being a diabetic.. I also liked in school to coerce people to target persons I was jelous of or had things I did not. I was a manipulator. In life I had visions of witch craft and occult . I was a what u call a gay bully type..

I grew up a born again christian at age 9.

I was not very athletic , or other. I had alot of friends. There were people I wanted to hurt, and to be evil to. I felt I could see things others could not.
This would make me do things and feel I was invincible. ig to to art school and got a job in a gallery I continued to want to target others. and be the agressor… I had trouble with drugs and alchol. and other delusions and over sexual expreiences multiple sex parenters and unsafe male sex.. heoroin cocaine..

I also had some female enconters. but had trouble with woman and men.. I was jelous of people who did not have my conditons and were musical. I was not a musical person. I was a creative person though and it made me friends and got me a job at a gallery..

Eventualy I was able to drive one girl into a mental hospital. I liked to indulge in my psychic insights, it allowed me to intimidate persons who I felt were unstable or fearful in unstable lives. I had a large group of friends and no one realy questinoed me but one person. Who was clean and sober with none of my problems who had my number. and was not afraid of me. eventuly this person was also driven into a state of madness.

I would have paranoid delusions at parties and also chase famous people around the art scene.. one day in my job I crashed and my boss had to talk to me. I reminded me of micheal alig and the club kids.

Now I make jewlery no one ever questioned my crimes or what things I did under the influences. some of them face uncertain lives.. and probaby sad deaths. I go on. I live in a rent stable apartment I got away from a girl who just happend to become heroin addicted. I live comfortable and could not without this place… I do sell jewelry and have connections.

I was committed with the diagnosis of schizophrenia, however that has never been confirmed, and I am more likely bipolar (although that has never been confirmed either). I do know that I had bouts of depression as a young child that got worse through my teenage and college years. My complete breakdown to a nonfunctioning state happened in my mid-20s.

While at the hospital I started to attend the Recovery, Inc. meetings that were held twice weekly, and I knew instantly that the common sense techniques that I would learn in that group would help me get well. It was a long, slow climb, but by attending the meetings, getting support from the other members of the group, and practicing what I was learning, I began to feel better and function better. Soon I was able to get a job, and my son came back to live with me.

I combated stigma as it came along. When I started my job I felt certain that I would never be able to do it because I was afraid that they would “see” my illness and fear. One member of the staff said, “Don’t be nervous. You’ll do fine.” It made me realize that they weren’t seeing my mental illness. They just saw someone nervous about doing a good job.

When I was asked to be interviewed for a newspaper story, I was excited to think that I could help other people know about Recovery, Inc. and the possibilities of getting well. I forgot that all my friends and colleagues would also see it. The response was amazing. I got calls from so many people that were either interested in Recovery, Inc. for themselves or a friend, or just to applaud me. There were a few that made snide remarks; I chose to ignore them. After all, if I was functioning at my highest level ever, then why should I be ashamed of it?

Since those early days I have made more attempts to break the stigma by telling coworkers and friends about my illness, and by speaking out in the mental health community. I know there are many places where stigma still exists, but we can keep fighting it a step at a time.

I’m proud to say that today I feel “well.” I still have periods of strong symptoms, but I have learned to manage them using my Recovery, Inc. techniques. And Recovery, Inc. has also taught me when I need to see a doctor for additional assistance.

Melinda Jung

Instead, I lived with these symptoms for four years. My mental illness got so bad that I couldn’t cope with school and they asked me to leave. I went to Miami to live with my father, but he threw me out; and from the age of 15 until I was 18 I lived on the streets of Miami, with constant hallucinations and delusions.

At 19, I joined the military. But I was still sick and, after basic training, they gave me an honorable discharge and directed me to get mental health treatment, so I did. After taking medication and seeing therapists, I went back to work two years later, as a cook. Four years after that, I got an associate’s degree from the Restaurant School of Philadelphia and became a chef.

I worked as a chef for about 15 years. But there was a lot of stigma around mental illness in the restaurant business. Every restaurant I worked at, I saw other people disclose about themselves and they wound up being badly harassed and losing their jobs. So I hid my illness.

In 1995 I started working part time for the Chester City Consumer Center . After attending the Center for six months, I had asked the director if there were openings and she said she had wanted to hire me for the last six months. I’m still at the Center, now as its director, and it will be 10 years in November. Working with the Mental Health Association of Southeastern Pennsylvania, which is out there advocating for consumers, has helped me. Until I started working here, I felt like no one really cared.

Lamar Harris

4PM; Last night was a blast. I was sober at a drinkemup joint. I simply had the time of my life.

July 09 04

6PM; Last night I forgot to take my night dose. This morning I was tripping. This after noon, I was hearing voices. Now I am not sure whether to “eat this” “drink that” as in Alice in Wonderland.

July 10 04

1PM; I just woke up. I’m feeling better than yesterday. Not tripping or voices. However; I do have a sense of detachment.

7PM; I am starting to feel lousy again. Every imaginable hallucination is going on. I’m pretty darn frustrated.

July 11 04

3:30PM; I’m a little panicky. I don’t feel like going outside.

5PM; I would kill for a egg-salad sandwhich I don’t know why. I could just taste it.

July 13 04

2PM; I helped Dad w/ the guitar room. I’m having Anxiety for the most part of my consciousness.

July 14 04 (Blood is on this page of the notebook)

2PM; I am feeling nauseous and tired. Axel woke me up at 5:30AM, and I could not get back to sleep.

July 15 04

5PM; I just finished talking with Dr. Charles we talked about parenting skills.

July 16 04

6:30PM; I’m feeling pretty good. The only complaint is Akathesia and tremors in my arms and legs from the Haldol.

10PM; I am alone again for another weekend night. I just want to go out and meet women.

July 17 04

1PM; I forgot my night dose this made me anxious, paranoid, and confused this morning. I am currently helping Dad clean the barn and garage.

5PM; We are about to eat steak for dinner. I hope my 5PM dose kicks in soon, for I am edgy and hungry.

July 19 04

7:30PM; I helped Dad clean the barn. I have 2 more days to go. I hallucinated all day , so I’m taking the fourth dose today.

July 20 04

5PM; Todays been one of those “simply great” days. I am staying w/ my diet. This makes me feel better (less psychotic)

July 22 04

8PM; I am having and had been having jerks in my arms and legs. Called Dr. Anders and he didn’t know what was causing it so he upped me 1 blue that is 4x a day Klonopin.

July 23 04

6PM; I am doing a lot better today. No hallucinations anxiety/panic attacks. I am feeling quite well.

July 24 04

5PM; Today is another good day. Since Dr. Anders raised Klonopin to 4mg a day.

July 26 04

11:30AM; Roger called last night and wanted to remain in Florida. This hurt me more than any wound I have ever had.

11:50PM; I still can’t believe Roger. You raise up your children the best you can. Sometimes you really fuck up somewhere, and you don’t even know what where it is.

July 27 04

1PM; I awaiting Dr. Charles phone call back Boy do I ever need to talk to him.

4PM; Dr. Charles said I’ll have to deal with a lot of paperwork.

July 28 04

4PM; I am still feeling as though I were in shock due to Roger choosing to live with Maria.

July 29 04

3PM; I am feeling better due to the fact that I am rested and clear of Mind.

7PM; I’m feeling confused about Roger’s leaving me. I’m a good father!

July 30 04

3PM; I have too much energy. It’s difficult to stop my hands and legs from moving. I sincerely hope that Dr. Anders takes me down off this Haldol soon.

July 31 04

1PM; Last night I took the extra Clonazepam and I had no problems with my hands, arms , feet , and legs. In fact I am having only mild symptoms today. I still want off the Haldol.

August 01 04

10PM; Today went quite quickly. Jim said he would have me work for him when I got back from NC.

August 08 04

7:30PM; My nerves and sinus infection caused me to throw up earlier. Now I feel better and am relaxed and tired.

VACATION AT OUTER BANKS

August 27 04

2PM; I’m feeling detached and a little trippy. It’s almost like using marijuana.

August 28 04

1:30PM; I just finished my morning rituals of good fortune. I hope to have a good day with god in my heart.

August 29 04

2PM; I’m feeling a little schizo today. I’m not sure if people are talking to me or not. It’s confusing I’m also feeling down. I slept 14 hours last night and am still tired.

August 30 04

1PM; I slept 14 hours last night. I’m feeling slightly depressed. Last night I ate an enormous amount of popcorn during a lousy movie.

9PM; I’m feeling down and apathetic. I think that I will just go to bed and watch T.V.

10PM; My ears are ringing. I don’t know why. Watching TV is impossible.

September 01 04

7PM; I am trying to concentrate and am having been this way all day. I am going to take it easy and kick back and try to let the coffee work.

September 02 04

11:30AM; I am bright awake since 7:30AM this morning. I have no indicators of hallucinatory action.

1PM; I have been on the “upside” of normal all day long. Right now, I feel almost manic.

September 03 04

4PM; Today has been fantastic. I feel real good after sleeping till 12:30PM

September 04 04

1PM; Everyone except me went to West Side Market.

3:30PM; Everyone came back from WSM I’m feeling a little apathetic right now.

5PM; That cup of coffee has given me a lot of energy. I feel like going out and doing something. What can I do? The answer is an evasive thought.

September 05 04

6PM; I watched Brandon and Kevins ’ hockey game in which they beat the other team 5-1. Now I’m very anxious because of the potent coffee I had during the game. This is precisely why I prefer to drink instant more than brewed coffee. Less caffeine.

10PM; I am becoming less and less tolerable of having to say “NOW” to Buddy to get him to get up. I’m never having this much caffeine again!

September 06 04

12PM; I just woke up and feel lousy. Last night’s sleep was nonexistent. I had to keep going up and down the stairs. Only audible hallucinations were present and they were confusing me. It was like every outlet in the house was connected to my head (brain).

4:30PM I’ve come down and am feeling somewhat depressed.

September 07 04

4PM; I am feeling sort of edgy right now. I am going to take it easy today.

September 08 04

6PM; I’m out of control of my agitation, depression, and hallucinations. I fucking want relief now!!!

10PM; I took an extra Haloperidol and Clonazepam feeling much better.

September 09 04

8AM; Dr. Anders just called and made changes to my medicine. He raised the Haldol to 3 10mg a day and he raised the Welbutrin to 300mg a day.

7PM; Jonie just cut my hair. Maybe now I’ll stop pulling it out. I’ve had trichotolomania since I was 2 years old.

September 11 04

11AM; Roger called me and told me that he’d passed his written part of his driver’s permit. Boy.

2PM; I’m somewhat apprehensive about today. I have that feeling that somethings wrong with everything. It’s that sinking feeling you get in your gut that says your Doomed.

September 12 04

1PM; I feel better, except for my sinus infection. It makes my face hurt and my body sweaty.

4PM; Today has been a good day for me. I’m really back with it. No hallucinations. No anxiety or depression evident.

September 14 04

8PM; I am very sick w/ a sinus infection. I just keep sweating and sweating. I think that the pseudafed that I am taking is messing with my head. My heart is beating fast, and I am very anxious. Dr. Anders said this might happen.

1PM; I’m more relaxed and only suffer pain in my sinuses and the sweats.

September 15 04

7PM; I’ve just returned from the Springfield “dog pound”. Buddy went astray while we were riding on the Gator up the street. I’m so glad he wasn’t hit by a car.

September 16 04

5:30PM; My sinuses still hurt. I had both visual and audible hallucinations today.

September 17 04

3PM; Roger just called and told me that he’s going to a keg party tonight. Now I’m worried.

3:30PM; I called Maria’s cell and told her about Roger ’s plans.

3:40PM; Roger called me and told me to tell Maria that “he was just joking”

September 19 04

2PM; Wake up just now. I am feeling really paranoid.

2:30PM; Gma Jones has just slipped into a coma.

3PM; I visited Gma; Everyone is crying or upset there. I have to go home. I can’t take this much bad karma.

5PM; I’m finally home. I’m going to rest.

8PM; After getting some rest, I felt , and even now feel great.

September 22 04

4PM; I’m home from taking Dad to Walmart. Now, I must work out to combat the anxiety I’m feeling. I had 6 cups of coffee today. This is the cause of my anxiety. I’m too full of jitters, and I want to get rid of them.

5PM; I worked out pretty hard, but didn’t get rid of the anxiety and the jitters.

8PM; I took 2 extra Haloperidol. (10mgs a piece) and now feel more even keel.

September 24 04

3PM; I really got a lot of stuff done this afternoon. I’m proud of changing the wheel with my Dad.

6PM; Done odd jobs around the house, pool and backyard. Mom wanted me to sweep the driveway. I came inside. I had done enough!

September 25 04

8AM; I just woke up and took a shower. Feeling well.

2PM; Feeling better than going somewhere and listening to my Mom and Dad fighting at 1PM today.

5PM; I keep hearing people calling to me or just talking to me.

September 26 04

1PM; After clearing my lungs and sinuses, I now feel better. Mom seems to be in a better mood. It’s a shame that yesterday had to happen.

4PM; I feel as though I am coming down with a cold. I have the chills that often accompany a virus.

September 27 04

12PM; I kept hearing voices in the shower. Once I got done showering, the voices stopped. I really hate taking showers.

9PM; After a long day of hearing voices, I have finally taken an extra Haldol 10mg tablet. I hope tonight will be silent because I’m at my limit of my wits.

11:30PM; By this time I had to take an additional 10mgs of Haldol. I feel like worms are crawling through my muscles and are causing a great deal of pain.

September 28 04

1PM; My outlook for today is much brighter, since I’m going to take 30mg of Haldol instead of 25mg of Haldol. There seems to be a threshold level where 25 won’t do it and 30mg will.

5PM; I am free of any hallucinations, but I feel medicated.

7PM; I still feel medicated, but it’s better than Leprechauns and voices.

September 29 04

1PM; I’ve got the general stuffy head and dry mouth from Haldol at a high dose. These side-effects are bothersome but at least I’m not hallucinating.

9PM; My ears are ringing and I hurt all over. I have to wait until 10PM dose for these illusions to wash away.

September 30 04

4PM; I snapped a muscle in my back and went up to the office since it hurt to breathe. I took a Flexeril and it fucked me all up. Now, I must decide between mental clarity and psychical pain. The one odd thing is that physical pain doesn’t hurt like the shear anguish of anxiety, depression, or flames burning you in your mind.

October 01 04

7AM; The Flexeril tore my stomach up all night. Now, all I want to do is sleep, but I can’t. I feel the anxiety well up inside me.

9:30AM; I took my meds. I’m starting to feel a release of negative energy and a filling up of positive energy.

October 02 04

8PM; I’m a little bit “blah” today. No real motivation for anything.

October 03 04

1PM; I’m having a good day so far in spite of the general lack of sleep.

6:30PM; I’m feeling sleepy despite the coffee I just drank.

7PM; I’m seeing faces form in the air and then talking about different aspects of my life.

October 04 04

7PM; I’ve been hallucinating all day. Dad noticed the inability to maintain a single thought, and me apparently talking too much to Buddy my dog as if he was talking back.

10PM; Well there sure are a lot of hallucinations one could get. It’s the VD of the brain. All senses are overloaded to the point of nonsense.

October 05 04

3PM; I finally slept. No sign of hallucinations; visual auditory or body given. I feel well rested and secure.

October 06 04

2PM; Dad, Mom and Brian went to go to look at another house. I’m feeling a little trippy today.

5PM; Hearing multiple voices, It’s deafening.

7PM; Took 10mg Haldol. Now able to interact with others.

9PM; A little trippy that’s all. Feeling hungry for some food.

October 07 04

3PM; I’m having a good day so far today.

October 09 04

3PM; Everything besides generalized anxiety is apparently under control.

October 11 04

5PM; My arm and shoulder are full of agonizing pain. I have a generalized anxiety that is peaking now.

October 23 04

2PM; I slept as much as I could for lots of dreams means less hallucinations.

4PM; I am having a touch and go day few hallucinations and a lot of anxiety.

October 24 04

5PM; I’ve been hallucinating steadily since last night, I took extra Haldol to combat this However, it’s not helping too much.

9PM; I’m hallucinating terribly. I just can’t stand it anymore.

October 25 04

3PM; This is starting out the same way it did yesterday, so I called into Dr. Anders I’m awaiting his call return.

4:30PM; Dr. Anders said to give the extra Haldol time to work. He also told me to not look into mirrors and take an extra Clonazepam, since this could be a manifestation of anxiety.

October 26 04

1PM; I am feeling much better today.

October 28 04

12PM; I am well rested and the Haldol is in gear. Today seems to be starting off well. I have very little anxiety and no hallucinations. I truly wish that every day starts like this.

October 29 04

1PM; I had a rough night of sleep. However; I’m feeling great in all respects.

October 30 04

2PM; Anxiety is the only problem today. I just got my SSI Check and I will only have $50 to spend.

November 04 04

4PM; It looks as though I’m going to have to pay for my Clonazepam, since I took an extra pill for 2 weeks. This is because of multiple anxiety attacks, probably caused by too much coffee.

9PM; I’m the only one home. Every noise in the house is magnified by ensuing silence.

November 05 04

4PM; Feeling a relaxed “speed-up” in my system. Part of this could be anxiety about Dad’s malpractice case against, Summa, for what they did to Dad, I hope he bleeds them dry!

November 06 04

2PM; I wasn’t able to get any sleep last night because of brachial plexus pain running down my left arm. In spite of this, I feel calm, cool and collected. There seems to be no pre-hallucinatory or pre-anxiety signs. Therefore; I am lucky to have such a nice day.

11:30PM; Today is perfect except my pain. I just hope I can sleep.

November 08 04

1PM; I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety now. I am going to see DomDera about a sinus infection and pain running from my neck down to my fingers.

5PM; I’m feeling less anxiety. I don’t know why. I’m now adding vicodin HP’s and Doxycyclene BID to my list of medicines.

November 09 04

3PM; I just finished watching a movie. I think to myself; I really appreciate a painfree restful sleep last night. It lifts the point that “There is a God”

5PM; I just got called another God Damned Medicaid recipient by a pharmacist at Marc’s in Fairlawn, OH (330) 869-0426. I will not forget this.

November 16 04

4PM; I’m hallucinating that I’m in Ireland. The date is unknown for there are no structures architecturally find the time.

November 17 04

2PM; I slept like a baby last night. It was probably due to the fact that hallucinating just wore me out. I feel great so far today.

November 18 04

7PM; Today I functioned really well. I drove into downtown area and did a little shopping with Dad. I temporarily lost my cell phone and took all my meds on time.

9PM; I called Roger and he was tired so I told him I’d call tomorrow. I called Jeff, but he was still working. I wanted to apologize for having audible hallucinations while talking to him on the phone on Tuesday.

November 19 04

2PM; Another trippy day for me to try to keep this book going.

3PM; I’m not leaving the house today or tonight for I feel that I may hallucinate.

8PM; I’m feeling detached and my ears are picking up voices. I’m taking Haloperidol 20mg to thwart a full blown Pyschotic Break.

9PM; The Haldol addition really helped, so now I’m going to enjoy the rest of the night.

November 20 04

2PM; Feeling good in all respects.

11PM; Today has been a good day. Earlier I had to take 1 Haldol 10mg, but that helped out more than any thing else.

November 21 04

6PM; Today has been excellent with the exception of severe pain in my left shoulder, upper arm, elbow, and hand.

November 22 04

(Did not sleep last Night!)

10AM; Saw Demdora and pondered the possibility of a rotor-cuff problem along with the Brachial Plexis problem.

2PM; At MRI place MRI went well

6PM; Having Salmon Broiled and Cole Slaw.

7PM; Pain is subsiding due to percacet.

November 23 04

1PM; I’m a little trippy today. I think that I’d better take an extra 10mg of Haldol before I hallucinate.

November 25 04

2:45PM; Day starts out okay. However I have been hallucinating since I woke up. I am presently going to get 10mg of Haloperidol to achieve some sanity.

November 26 04

12PM; I woke up earlier than usual. I’m feeling charged up from a good night’s sleep. My anxiety is low, hallucinatory threshold is very high.

November 27 04

11AM; Just woke up feeling sketchy at best.

2PM; Took 2 extra Haloperidols. I hope this will take effect soon.

3PM; The Haloperidol are starting to work. It’s only a matter of time that I have of suffering. Then, I can enjoy watching the Army/Navy game.

November 28 04

1PM; My day starts out pecularly. It’s like being in the “Twilight Zone”. Everything is here yet nothing is here.

2PM; Feeling O.k. Mom is going to give me $8.00 to go to a movie tonight with Nicky. I’m not hallucinating today and I feel moderate anxiety.

November 30 04

I put in a call to Dr. Anders. He called back I explained that I needed 4mg/day vs 3mg/day that I was taking presently. He saw what I was trying to say, and he said he’d call in the prescription.

December 02 04

4PM; I have been sleeping better with taking 4mg of Klonopin. Today I didn’t wake up till 1PM. I feel no signs of hallucinations or anxiety or apathy. My mood is good and my outlook on life is much better. I am living not just existing!

December 03 04

4PM; Slept in till noon. Feeling sedated today. No complaints except feeling tired. No anxiety, no hallucinations.

December 04 04

3PM; Feeling comparatively well. The only problem is anxiety today. I feel as nervous as a pregnant Nun.

7PM; Feeling scared like impending DOOM. This is when being schizophrenic, really sucks.

December 05 04

10PM; This had to be the most boring day I’ve ever had.

December 08 04

3PM; Feeling anxious and nervous. I wonder why I’m losing weight so fast. When I’m taking in more calories on this Diet: Cheating.

11PM; My nerves are under control. I think that the pain to my injury was driving the anxiety. I even have puked because of severe pain in my arm, shoulder, and neck.

December 10 04

5PM; Everything is going well except for the occasional break-through hallucination. I only had 2 today.

11PM; I’m feeling blue. I’ve had very little energy and am currently in a lot of pain.

December 11 04

1PM; Yesterday, I went back to 300mg/day of Wellbutrin. I was able to sleep well and long. I feel rested. I don’t know whats in store for me today, for I just woke up.

7PM; I hope to have a good evening playing video games with my favorite cousin.

December 12 04

11PM; Today was very much better than yesterday, with 1 exception. I fell down the stairs from the top step backwards.

December 13 04

2PM; I’m in a lot of pain from yesterday’s fall. I think that the pain is driving my anxiety.

7PM; Feeling stable. No special problems except pain in the left arm shoulder and neck. I smell like an add for Ben Gay.

December 14 04

2PM; I’m hallucinating candle lights without the candles. Everything is beautiful and the colors smell like candy.

5PM; I feel great! My pain is still there, boy emotions affect is high. I took 10mg of Haloperidol, and it stopped my hallucinating within an hour.

December 16 04

10AM; I woke up at 5AM this morning in a lot of PAIN! I really hope I don’t puke from the pain today. The pain in my arm is unbearable. It is driving my hallucinations, and made me puke 4x yesterday.

5PM; Today went rather well. I laid down for several hours and took a percocette to tackle the pain issue. I’ve had no hallucinations since 12PM. I’m going over my cousin’s house to play video games tonight.

December 17 04

12PM; Ate breakfast took meds, feeling great got 8hrs sleep last night.

December 19 04

5PM; Took pain medicine Percocetts Feeling good. Anxiety normal. No hallucinations.

December 20 04

8PM; My son just called from St. Petersburg, FL, and said that his plane will be 15 minutes early into Cleveland. My anxiety level is skyrocketed. I am seeing little stars everywhere.

December 22 04

3PM; My entire family is out X-mas shopping. I can’t and won’t go because large groups of people really freak me out. So, I’m staying home with my dog, Buddy, and playing video games.

9:30PM; Today has been uneventful for the most part. I feel relaxed and detached. I hope that I don’t start hallucinating tonight.

11PM; Did not hallucinate tonight.

December 23 04

1PM; I’m very tired today. I slept to 11:45 AM 12 hours of sleep is just too damn much sleep. It leaves me tired and apathetic towards life.

4PM; I feel agitated and apathetic in general. I have to put on a good show for Roger. I don’t want to ruin my only child’s Christmas.

December 24 04

8PM; Christmas eve celebration at Jeremy’s went well despite hallucinations. Anxiety manifested as the “Runs” didn’t stop me.

December 25 04

7AM; 3 Leprechauns would not leave me alone, so I woke up Dad to talk to me. Dad was reassuring. Took extra Haldol 10mg.

2PM; Went to Emily’s house to celebrate X-mas.

8PM; Returned home with Megan and Roger.

December 26 04

1PM; Just woke up. Feeling anxious, but not in hallucinatory state.

2PM; Medicine working. No anxiety, no other symptoms. I need to take a shower. My hair is all messed up. I might go to the Mall with Roger.

6PM; All alone in the house. Bored. Looking for things to do. T.V. isn’t that bad of an idea.

December 27 04

2PM; I am hallucinating again, a lot of anxiety. Shit anyone who hallucinates gets scared. It is not a fun thing, and to think people take drugs to get this way.

December 28 04

2PM; Amazingly I have no symptoms today. I feel rested. I feel calm, cool, and collected.

9PM; For some reason, I feel all sped up. I hope I can sleep tonight

11PM; Still Sped up.

December 29 04

1:30AM; I still feel as though I am on speed.

5AM; Still no sleep.

3PM; Took 2 hr nap feeling sped up again.

8PM; All I feel like doing is going to sleep!

December 30 04

11AM; I’m awake and rested from a long night’s sleep. I don’t feel sped up or full of symptoms.

December 31 04

1:30AM; I got a call from my cousin. I had forgotten to take my night dose, so I am taking it now.

3PM; I feel a lot of stress today. I hope I don’t hallucinate.

4PM; Took evening dose + extra 10mg of Haloperidol.

January 01 05

8AM; I slept real well. Hallucinating moderately, I think these will go away, once the Abilify and the Haldol take effect.

6PM; Anxiety high, took extra Haldol so I won’t hallucinate.

January 03 04

4PM; Well; Roger is preparing to leave tomorrow about 2PM. I feel bumed out that I could not get him what I’d promised him. However; we all should be happy that Christ was given to us/ gave himself to us.

10PM; Mom, Roger, Nicky, and I went out for dinner at Outback’s and saw National Treasure at Regal Cinemas. Both Dinner and movie were great. I now feel a bit detached. May be sensory overload.

January 04 05

11AM; Feeling good in all respects.

7PM; Roger just call on to say he had a very good flight, and that he was safe! “feeling down” I miss Roger very much.

January 05 05

2PM; I feel a little down and out.

3PM; I get to see Dr. Charles now. Boy do I have a lot to talk about.

5PM; Dr. Charles was very insightful about my worries. I am fortunate to have such a good Pyschologist.

January 06 05

6PM; I’ve been up since 5:15AM Today was filled with anticipation of what I don’t know. No hallucinations. A lot of anxiety, a little bit scatterbrained.

January 07 05

8PM; I’ve felt scatterbrained all day. Writing this is almost impossible.

January 08 05

7PM; I’ve felt more lucid in thought all day.

January 09 05

12PM; I’m feeling enthusiastic about today. I mostly symptom free.

3PM; Still feeling well. W/ the exception of anxiety. Anxiety is mostly due to my disappointment with Roger.

January 10 05

2PM; Feeling tense but all other types of symptoms aren’t here.

January 11 05

8PM; I’m really tripping. I must take more Haldol 10mg… 20 minutes… I took it and am starting to clear up.

11PM; Feeling extra crispy. Sorta like depression/apathy.

February 16 05

7PM; I made another stupid mistake today on my cell. Sometiems I over use my cell minutes

February 17 05

(Stayed all day in bed sick)

February 18 05

6PM; Just came back from outside for ½ hr. Looking for Molly the dog. We have about 5in. of snow and we have a wind chill of 0 degrees F, so I am tired. Had my morning hallucinations. Am presently aware of my consciousness, and

February 19 05

This morning I hallucinated about Gma Caldwell (deceased) Gma Jones (about to kick it) and Mom. They were all asking me to help them.

4PM; I’m still hearing voices and am sick and tired of it.

February 21 05

9PM; At 4PM I saw Dr. Anders and he increased my Haldol to a total of 35mg/day. I was only taking 20mg a day before the increase.

February 22 05

3PM; I hallucinated until 2PM and they went away. The increase in Haldol has not taken effect yet. This means another fuckign day of waiting. However, I do not feel as detached as yesterday.

7PM; Feeling much better with hallucinations. However, detached and full of anticipatory anxiety.

February 23 05

2PM; Anxiety and hallucinations are non-existant today. I am feeling a warm sensation throughout my mind and body.

February 24 05

4PM; No Hallucinations moderate anxiety. An overall good day.

February 25 05

12PM; Having voices in the AM tapered off with noon dose of meds.

February 26 05

2PM; Feeling drowsy today. No hallucinations very little anxiety not worth mentioning. Staying in room.

4PM; I’m relaxed yet alert. My thought patterns are goofy, but this isn’t going to keep me in my room for long. I am going to go out as soon as cousin Larry comes over.

February 27 05

8PM; It’s been a long good day no hallucinations lots of AM anxiety.

February 28 05

6PM; I woke up at 1PM and felt dizzy. I have felt this way all day. Even now I feel light-headed and dizzy. I don’t feel anxiety or hallucinogenic.

March 02 05

5PM; Today has been a difficult day to say the least. No hallucinations, but there has been a lot of anxiety attacks.

March 04 05

7PM; I have been symptom-free for 2 days now.

March 05 05

7PM; Anxiety and Apathy are my main enemies today. I have a real low anxiety threshold and All I’ve wanted to do today is to lay in bed and shut the world out.

March 09 05

10AM; I am doing a lot better than the 7th and 8th where I was hallucinating my ass off. Today at least this morning I feel invigorated and ready to take on the day.

5PM; Just like yesterday I am now actively hallucinating. I am seeing sound and hearing colors. There are a myriad of smells.

(This gap in diary was due to misplacing it and not being able to find it.)

March 18 05

4AM; I’m still awake and can’t sleep. No anxiety, hallucinations or detachment.

5PM; I feel agitated and full of anxiety. I think this is due to the caffeine I had in the form of two cups of regular coffee.

March 19 05

2PM; I’m doing just fine today with the exception of anxiety.

March 20 05

2PM; I have a lot of anxiety today. No hallucinations no detachment

7PM; Today has gone well no hallucinations or detachment or overwhelming anxiety. There has been a lot of anxiety, but not to the degree of me staying in bed with apathy.

March 21 05

11AM; I woke up at 9AM feeling very nervous. I also had a headache. These subsided as I took my morning meds and took a shower. Right now I feel great with exception of anxiety.

9PM; Anxiety level is so high that I feel as if I am floating outside my body.

March 22 05

8PM; I’m feeling a lot of anxiety. I’m going to see Dr. Anders tomorrow. I’m going to ask to go back to 4mg/day of Klonopin.

March 23 05

12PM; I’m feeling great except for anxiety Today, I see Dr. Anders. He has been the best Dr. I’ve ever seen.

2PM; I saw Dr. Anders and he said to add 1mg Klonopin and reduce my Welbutrin by ½ so I’ll be only taking my morning dose of Welbutrin.

March 24 05

6PM; I’m feeling euphoric right now. I wonder if it’s due to the lack of anxiety. I seem to have a lot more energy today. I don’t feel detached or hallucinogenic. I just feel great.

March 25 05

4PM; No symptoms today!!! (so far)

March 26 05

5PM; I’m doing quite well today. No symptoms.

March 27 05

5:30PM; I don’t know how I’m going to deal with all my relatives coming over. I’m full of anticipatory anxiety. I hate holidays.

March 29 05

5PM; Today I’m tired for some reason. I don’t think I should stay up so late tonight. I mean, “Digital Fortress” is a good book, but I can not focus on only that.

March 30 05

5PM; Today is going great. I thought I’d be able to get water pressure Mom’s using the Pressur washer.

5PM; I got my shower and feel much less grimy. I am feeling good.

March 31 05

12PM; I’m edgy tired and cranky because I could not sleep all night. Maybe this afternoon I’ll get some sleep.

1:00 PM; I find myself waking from a myriad of dreams. The one I remember most is my mom telling me to take Pepsid complete for my nagging ulcer. My ulcer; however, is not bothering me at this time. Waking up from a dream is somewhat like coming out of a hallucinatory state. My main concern, at this time, is to remedy the situation about use of the computer between my parents and my son. I want to be fair with both parties.

2:45PM; I am getting ready to talk to Roger about computer use times. Roger just came home and I’m going to tell him that 11:00pm is the new cut off time.

10:00PM; I’ve had an unusually late meal so I must wait until 11 to take my medicine; I think i’ll just lay down and rest until 11.

Oct 28 03

2:00 AM; I am hallucinating. I am hearing voices and am in the gym lifting weights when the news people are doing an action story on steroid use among weight lifters. I left my sandwhich and medicine in the hallway outside the gym. To my surprise the news people are examining my lunch bag and photographing the contents. I put my lunch bag next to Arnold’s. Apparently he switched bags and put his steroids in my bag and put my lunch and medicine in his. I told the news reporters that they should go back into the gym and ask Arnold whose bag was what. I knew he was going to tell the truth and remove any guilt from me. But boy was I ever afraid. Arnold told the reporters that he had switched bags because mine was bigger.

2:20AM; I managed to make it to my desk and checked my medicine cartridge for my bedtime dose. I immediately saw that I had missed my last dose. Hence, I took my medicine with a can of pop.

2:45AM; I’m still having hallucinations, so I went down to wake my mother to ask her to sit with me and talk to me until the anti pyschotics took effect. Mom mad some chamomile tea to relax my fiery nerves. We talked until 3:30am by this time the medicine made me come off this trip. I had smoked 4 cigarettes during this time because I was so absolutely terrified. Next, I went to my room and fell back to sleep.

6:50AM; I woke up a bundled of frayed nerves. I took my morning dose of medicine and began to gradually feel better.

3:00PM; I’m still feeling washed out. I feel anxiety and depressed. It’s a general feeling of apathy. I’m going to probably take a nap, for I can’t concentrate about anything right now.

9:00PM; I ate dinner on time and took my medicine.

Oct 29 03

2:00PM; I just got out of bed and took a shower. I could just stay in bed all day, for I’m full of anxiety and am having the shakes and sweats of my Clonazepam reduction from 4mg to 3mg per day. The anxiety is almost unbearable. Therefore, I’m going to spend some time petting my dog, Buddy. I think every Schizophrenic should have a dog, for they help anchor one to reality, when no person is around to help. Since I am alone in the house, Buddy is truly my best friend.

4:00PM; The anxiety has gone too far so I am going to take another Clonazepam.

5:00PM; I am now feeling much better. It’s amazing how 1mg could help so much. I am now going over my son’s Physical Science notes and trying to help him understand his studies. I think that he will get at least a B on tomorrow’s quiz.

6:00PM; My anxiety is completely gone, and I am able to focus outside of myself. I am going out side to have a cigarette and interact with my family over dinner.

Oct 30 03

11:30AM; I’ve been awake since 10AM. My medicine and my coffee were the first things I took, since they are usually the only combatants to anxiety and apathy. Today is a real blessing, for I am feeling like I can truly take on the world.

1:30PM; I am feeling very alert now, but am suffering alot of anxiety. Retreating to my room is my first instinct that I need to fight off. I must go outside and play with Buddy. I must try to fight the anxiety by focusing on playing with Buddy.

3:00PM; I am still feeling a lot of anxiety. Luckily , Mom and Dad came home and I can talk to them about it. Talking often helps me deal with generalized anxiety. In addition, I took my 3:00 dose of Clonazepam, which will temporarily aleiveate this nervousness.

5:00PM; Nothing seems to help my withdrawal anxiety. I fell as though I am burning from within. I can’t describe it any other way. The shakes and cold sweats that accompany this anxiety are mere components of the whole picture. I don’t know if I can just stay on 3mg of Clonazepa with My Abilify and Haloperidol and Aartane leves. The antipsychotics are working well , but there are the , as expected, bleeps in the system.

Oct 31 03

I spent all day in bed, overwhelmed by apathy and anxiety.

Nov 01 03

12:00PM; I’m feeling better after sleeping all of yesterday and last night. I am going to go get Roger his shoes for indoor soccer. I still owe him $50. This will enable him to buy better ones. Mom will be home to take me and Roger to the sporting goods store at any time now. Roger; reacting to my state of mental health was so obstinent that we never got his shoes. We drove to the store and returned home, never entering the store.

Nov 2 03

1:00PM; We all went to Brandon’s house for a birthday party. I felt so depressed and full of anxiety that I was constantly smoking cigarettes outside.

4:00PM; We just got back. I went immediately to my room. I was hallucinating by this time and couldn’t interact with anyone.

11:00PM; My Hallucinations and psychotic anxiety were so bad that I took another 2 Haldols.

1:30AM; Feeling better so I finally went to sleep.

Nov 3 03

12:00PM; I am feeling well. I think I’ll go outside and enjoy this rare sunny and warm day.

2:30PM; I just came in from outside. The weather is beautiful, but my skin is photosensitive because of the haloperidol. I am thankful to God that I am having such a good day. Roger should be home from school any minute now. I must tell him to mow the grass outside and study his Physics for an hour with me.

Nov 4 03

10:00AM; I am still feeling lousy, but today I get to see my Psychiatrist, Dr. Anders.

1:00PM; Dr. Anders says that I need to return to my original dosages of Clonazepam 4mg and Haloperidol 40mg. This makes me very happy. In addition, he prescribed me to take whey protein. The whey protein contains branch-chained amino acids that are not found as much in schizophrenics’ brains. The additions of branch-chained amino acids have just recently been proven to help cognitive functioning to a significant degree.

9:00PM; I am beginning to feel better already. Less anxiety and fewer hallucinations are a welcome state of being.

Nov 5 03

12:00PM; I’m feeling totally better. I slept all night and don’t have any anxiety or hallucinations. THIS IS TRULY A WONDERFUL DAY! I hope that it continues, for I really do not want to go back to feeling the way I was the last ten days.

7:00PM; I went to see a movie at the local Cinema. (Matrix Revolutions). The theatre was packed and I could feel my anxiety rising. It took me ten trips to the bathroom to make it through the movie I don’t know of any schizophrenic who can withstand large crowds because of all the voices whispering.

9:45PM; I am feeling all washed out after enduring the packed theatre. It was a good movie, but it took all I had to sit still and resist the feeling to flee to some place safe.

Nov 6 03

2:00PM; I just woke up after going to sleep at 11PM last night. I feel all washed out and tired. Luckily I set my alarm early in the morning to take my morning dose of medicine. It is right on time for my 2PM dose now.

Nov 7 03

7:00AM; I awoke this morning reeling with anxiety. I was really scared and did not know why or what was going to happen to me. It’s sort of similar to speeding past a State Highway Patrolman and seeing flashing lights in the rearview mirror, but one hundred fold as intense. I took my morning dose of medicine with a hot cup of coffee and tried to practice deep-breathing techniques. This helped and I am now writing about it.

11:00AM; I am still having trouble with anxiety so I am going to take another Clonazepam. Hopefully I will feel better in an hour or so.

1:00PM; I am finally feeling better. Thank God for Chemicals. All that previous anxiety has left me very tired, so I am going to take a short nap.

Nov 8 03

1:00PM; I am playing a wrestling game with Roger. It’s very fun, but I just cannot sit still for more than 5 minutes. I keep retreating to my room (safety). I do not understand this because I am doing so well. I’m going to try and stay and play more than one match. For some unknown reason, I’m afraid this will be very difficult. I’m smelling weird odors. For example: Roger’s room smells like urine, my room smells like a gym, downstairs smells like dog shit, and outside smells like cigarettes. I can’t find any reason for this. It must be some sort of hallucination.

10:00PM; I ate dinner at 9PM now I have to wait until 11PM to take my bedtime dose. I am watching TV in my room. It’s some horror movie about gigantic snakes. I find these movies amusing because they are comedy compared to the very real horror of auditory and visual hallucinations. My family has just come home from a medieval dinner show. The house is still full of smoke from my attempt to fry a hamburger at 9:00. Everyone now knows that I ate dinner.

11:00PM; I just took my bedtime dose of meds, and am sitting downstairs with Mom and Grandma talking about their dinner show. After a half hour we all decided to call it a night.

Nov 9 03

12:00PM; I just woke up and am feeling quite rested, even though I now am 3 hours late for my morning dose. I am taking my first dose with a cup of coffee now. Everyone has gone to church. I feel serene and calm.

1:00PM; I called Mom on her cell phone and found that my family is at a restaurant eating lunch. I asked her why nobody woke me up for church. She thought that I would be uncomfortable at the large service Aaron was not conducting the service. She also said that another person was giving the sermon.

3:00PM; I took my noon dose of medicine with a cup of coffee. Grandma called for help from her room downstairs, so I went to see what was wrong. She was in alot of lower back pain and could not get comfortable in bed. Mom and I got her situated and I brought her my heating bpad and a dose of Motrin to ease her back pain. I went outside and smoked a cigarette, then returned to my room.

5:00PM; Roger’s cousins; Nick, John, and Brian, came over to spend the night. Nick has a 7PM soccer game that Roger wants to see.

10:00PM; All of the kids have gone to sleep. Now it’s my turn. I am taking my bedtime dose with alot of hope, since I am beginning to hear voices that are telling me to hurt myself.

1:00AM; I still have not had any sleep. I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I tried watching TV to focus on other things, but my thoughts are coming out of the TV. I took an extra haldol and Clonazepam with hopes of getting off this rollercoaster. I hope I can sleep.

4:00AM; The voices are now unbearable, so I am going to call in the cavalry. It’s time to wake up Mom. Mom made me some Chamomile tea, and we sat down and talked me down. We decided that nothing was going to stop the voices, so Mom gave me some Diphenhydramine. Within 20 minutes I began to feel sleepy.

Nov 10 03

12:00PM; I had set my alarm to take my 9AM dose. I took my medicine and went back to sleep. Now, I am feeling quasi-normal again.

9:00PM; I am feeling that racy, pre-hallucination state of conscience. Every thing is brighter; I am feeling an edgy euphoria. Therefore, I am going to take an extra Haldol and artane. Hopefully this will stop the process.

11:00PM; I am out of the loop of hallucinations. I feel confident that I will sleep through the night and have dreams.

Nov 11 03

12:00PM; I feel a general sense of apathy and will probably no make any entries today.

Nov 12 03

2:00PM; I woke up fro the second time. I had set my alarm for my 9:30AM dose and went back to lseep. By this time (2PM), it was time to take my 2PM dose. Now I am going to get up and have a cup of coffee.

3PM; Roger and Megan just came home from school. Roger is in a good mood for once! I am very happy for him

5PM; I am feeling awake and rested. I wish every day was just like this.

Nov 14 03

8AM; I set my alarm for 9:30AM, but I didn’t sleep because I had severe sinus pain.

10:50AM; I went to the doctor’s office and found that my sinus infection was worse than I had thought. The largest problem was finding sinus medication and antibiotics that would not have adverse effects in conjunction with my Psychiatric drugs.

1PM; I returned home and slept for a few hours

6PM; Since it is Grandma’s 86th Birthday there is a party, and that means alot of people. I never could stand crowds because I tend to listen to everything all at once. This causes tremendous anxiety attacks, so I took another Clonazepam.

9PM; I am starting to feel and sense surrealism. The only way I can describe it is everything is like Virtual reality; real and yet distorted.

11PM; I am hearing strange noises and voices. I told Mom and she told me to take an extra Haldol. I took the extra Haldol and hoped that it would take effect as soon as possible.

12AM; The Haldol isn’t working, but I tell Mom that I am going to try to sleep.

Nov 15 03

7AM; My anxiety and audible hallucinations have made me lose a night’s sleep. I am taking my morning dose of medicines now with a cup of coffee. Nobody is up at this time so I am going for a walk with Buddy. We walked until my symptoms subsided.

10:30AM; I am thinking clearly now, but I am still being tortured by anxiety/panic attacks, so I am taking an extra Clonazepam

12PM; I am really tired right now because of the last 24 hrs. I am going to take a nap to catch up on some sleep.

5PM; I am awakened by Buddy, who has to urinate. I took my 5PM dose of medicines and took Buddy out for a potty walk.

10PM; I talked to Mom and told her that I probably will not be waking her up in the middle of the night because I am not detached and I have a firm grip on reality. I feel confident and safe. This is a good time to go to bed.

Nov 16 03

8AM; I woke up, took my medicine, and went back to sleep.

12PM; I have just awakened from a long needed sleep. I feel semi-tired and am looking forward to spending time with Roger today.

Nov 17 03

8AM; I am awake and full of anxiety. I took my morning dose with a cup of coffee and hoped it would help.

9AM; still feeling anxiety to a great extent. I was curled in a ball and the floor. Sweat was soaking my clothes. SO I called my Psychiatrist’s office and requested a call back.

1:15PM; Dr. Anders called me and I told him my problems. He suggested more Haldol (10mg) at midnight I desperately hope he is right because I cannot withstand another day like the past two weeks.

7PM; the anxiety has subsided, and I am feeling more comfortable. Grandma told me that her father had the same problem as I have now. The only difference was they did not have modern medicine in the 1920’s. I cannot fathom how much he must have suffered.

Nov 18 03

12PM; I am awake from an incident free sleep. I feel real edgy. I think this is due to the fact that I did not take an Artane with the midnight dose of Haldol.

6PM; I am playing a Playstation game with Roger. It’s good to spend time with my son when I am able.

Nov 19 03

5PM; I have spent the whole day in bed suffering from apathy. I just now got out of bed to face the world. Nobody knows what it’s like to have apathy, except the mentally ill.

6PM; I just put in a fast-paced workout with Roger. He has been a real asset in pushing me into working out. If it were not for him I would probably lounge around and get fat.

Nov 20 03

7AM; I woke up with alot of anxiety, so I took my morning medicines, then I went back to sleep.

10AM; My alarm woke me up. I am feeling good, but tired at this time. I drank my usual Whey Protein shake, which has those important Branch-CHained-Amino-Acids that really help my medicines work to their peak efficacy.

12PM; I took a long steamy shower to drain my sinuses. I was still feeling tired, so I drank two cups of coffee.

5PM; I’m finally feeling awake. I am not feeling any anxiety, apathy or detachment. I feel on top of the world.

10PM; I am finally putting in a workout with Roger. (I laid down earlier and just now woke up). I feel great!

Nov 21 03

All Day; I am in and out of bed, plagued by anxiety and apathy.

Nov 22 03

3PM; I woke up at 2:30PM and took my protein milkshake. Today is vastly dissimilar to yesterday. I feel wide awake and have no anxiety whatsoever.

6:30PM; I am starting to become detached. This is a state of consciousness where my mind goes into the back of my awareness. It is my warning that I am about to start hallucinating. I can’t stop the process. The rest of the night is going to be like controlling a Tiger by the tail.

Nov 23 03

2PM; I’ve been up and detached for two hours now. Now I’m starting to see and hear things. I went downstairs to ask dad what to do. He said go for a walk or do something physical. I made it half way down the driveway. All of a sudden the driveway went vertical into the sky. Then I fell flat on my face. I got up and tried to continue walking down the driveway. I made it to the mail box, and then the mailbox turned into a leprechaun. This leprechaun chased me all the way up the driveway. Buddy could sense I was scared. SO he started barking (Buddy almost never barks). I Made it inside, and told my dad that exercise only made it worse. I am not going outside, because of that god damn leprechaun! I’m going to lie down in Roger’s Room. Until I can focus enough to take my medicine.

(This is Roger. My dad seems to be sweating alot and breathing very deeply.)

6PM; After 2 doses of my medication, I am no longer hallucinating. I feel very tired and exhausted. My arms and legs are rubbery and lack the usual strength that they usually have.

Nov 24 03

3PM; I woke up tired and “CRISPY” from a long fitful sleep. I took my meds with 2 cups of coffee and a whey protein shake.

3:30PM; I am really awake now. I feel relaxed, yet ready for the day to come. I pray that yesterday will not be repeated. I am not noticing any of the telltale signs of impending hallucinations, like detachment or overwhelming anxiety at this time.

6PM; I worked out very hard and burned off any anxiety that I had. I drank a protein shake. All of these workouts are going to help me attain my goal of losing 50lbs. I now weigh 250lbs. I hope to be around 200lbs by Spring. These hard work outs also release endorphins, which leave me feeling as in touch with reality.

Nov 25 03

6AM; I was awakened by severe anxiety. I immediately took my morning dose with a cup of coffee. I decided to stay up and take a nap in the afternoon.

10AM; My mother and I took Grandma to the doctor and found out that she had a respiratory infection. This worried me alot. I was upset. Pneumonia could kill her. I am very close to my grandmother.

12PM; Mom decided to treat us to lunch at the Mustard Seed. We saw cousin Bobby there. I was feeling alot of anxiety because I was worried about Grandma.

6PM; I just woke up from a short nap. I was feeling less anxious. I was feeling somewhat detached. I was having a hard time holding a thought for very long.

10PM; I put in an intense workout with Roger. Next, i Took my bedtime medicines and waited for them to work. I wanted to alleviate my anxiety over Grandma’s condition.

11:30PM; I fell asleep

Nov 27 03

12PM; I woke up because Roger wanted to get a workout in before the relatives came over for Thanksgiving. I took my medicines with 2 cups of coffee. We worked out and got our respective showers. I am feeling very detached today and will not eat with the family.

3PM; The relatives are here and I have retreated to my bedroom. I took an extra Clonazepam to calm down my anxiety, but even that could not help me with my overwhelming sense of detachment. I am afraid to sit down with my family because I feel like they are all judging me. Besides, how could i eat with butterflies in my stomach?

6PM; I got into an argument with Megan and Carol over an innocent word. I ended up telling them both to fuck off. I will never tolerate baby sisters trying to control me. Feeling detached, I retreated to my room and cuddled with Buddy.

Nov 28 03

No entry because of generalized apathy.

Nov 29 03

1PM; I woke up and felt more alert. Anxiety was high, but Clonazepam soon lowered it.

3PM; Very low anxiety and wanted Mom to take me to the store to get cigarettes and coffee. Mom said she would take me in a few hours. I felt frustrated because I was out of cigarettes.

6PM; I felt soreness in all of my muscles. I felt a little detached, but not to warn me of impending hallucinations. I actually feel better since Dr. Anders raised my dose of Haldol to 50mg per day.

Nov 30 03

1PM; I just woke up after a 15 hours of sleep. I was supposed to go to my brother Jeremy’s house for Brian’s birthday. Apathy kept me from going anywhere this early in my waking up cycle.

3PM; My Mother called and asked if I still wanted to go to the party. I said yes and I’d be showered and shaved by the time she picked me up. She was here so I made it to Brian’s 5th birthday party. I was apprehensive as to how well I’d do, because of the volume of people there.

4:30PM; I just got home from the party I felt as though everyone was watching me and judging me. I managed to go into their basement and watch my nephews and Brother Jeremy’s father in law play air hockey. Only three people in a large room was much more comfortable than the crowd upstairs.

Nov 31 03

7AM; I woke up and took all of my medicines but Effexor, which has to be taken with food. I went back to sleep.

10AM; I woke up and took my Effexor with a whey protein drink. I also had two cups of coffee. Groggy eyed, I went downstairs to say, ‘good morning’ to dad, mom and grandma. I had a cigarette and played with Buddy.

4PM; I am very tired from diarrhea. I am going to take a short nap before I work out with Roger. I took Imodium AD and I am sure the cramps with my abdominal area will go away. I have alot of anxiety now, and I hope it won’t affect my nap.

Dec 04 03

9AM; Waking up was like trying to crawl out of a black hole. I have been feeling as detached as can be.

11AM; I’m at the dentist’s office for my very first filling. I was so detached that the Novacaine and the dentist’s drill did not scare me or affect me in any way.

Dec 05 03

11AM; At this time all this bullshits going threw my mind. I think I am going to have a talk with my mom and dad.

2PM; Had a talk with mom but didn’t get anywhere. Had a talk with dad and told him he is not to discipline my son (Roger). He agreed except in the case Roger mouthing off to mom that is the only case in which he will discipline.

8PM; I can’t wait for my dad to get home with my Haldol and by Abilify. I’ve gone all day without them and am beginning to hallucinate audibly.

9PM; Dad got home and I immediately took my medicines. I have to sign off for today because I am in bad shape.

Dec 06 03

11AM; Waking up this morning was like coming off acid. I feel crispy after a night of hallucinations.

7PM; I’m very tired now but have no anxiety nor am I detached. I don’t get too many days like today. I am enjoying time spent with my son, Roger, and Buddy , my dog.

MEDICINES TAKEN EVERY DAY AS OF 12-3-03

ABILIFY – 30MG 1 MORNING, 1 QHS
AMBIEN – 10MG 1 QHS
ARTANE – 2 MG 1 QID
CLONAZEPAM-1MG 1 QID
HALDOL – 10 MG 1 QID, 1 QHS
EFFEXOR XR 150 MG 2 IN MORNING
BRANCH-CHAINED-AMINO-ACIDS-9GM 1 5XDAY
FLAX SEED OIL 1 TSP 5 X DAY

Dec 07 03

3PM; My family went to Emily’s house to celebrate a birthday. I stayed home because of the traumatic feelings I get every time I go around large groups of people. Besides, I don’t want to insult anyone by going to a vacant room just to get away.

6PM; I am feeling a little detached. My anxiety level is high, but I had a Clonazepam with my 5:00PM dose, which will calm me down. I do not know what to do about my detachment until I take my Abilify tonight.

Dec 08 03

11PM; I spent all day today in deep thought. I was in and out of reality and full of apathy. Rarely did I get out of bed, except to go to the bathroom.

Dec 10 03

11AM; Now that I have gotten all of medicines straightened out I am a new man! It’s truly great to be alive when all of your medicines straightened out I am a new man! It’s truly great to be alive when all of your medicines are taken correctly. What happened was that I forgot to take my Abilify (anti-psychotic) for the past 4 days.

2-3PM; Mom and I conversed with the Social Security Administration to get me $200 more per month. They had all kinds of excuses that did not make any sense. We finally got to the bottom of it. My mom said she would charge anyone else $200 more than me. The Social Security Administration said this was a $200 a month income. Therefore, she faxed a letter stating I would be paying the same amount as anyone else. This corrected the problem.

8PM; I am still symptom free with the exception of psychotic anxiety. If it’s not one damn thing it’s another. I really hope they come up with a drug other than Clonazepam to combat psychotic anxiety, which is alot harder to deal with than common anxiety. Psychotic anxiety has a strong paranoia component to it. It also quite literally scares the piss out of you.

Dec 11 03

12PM; I went to see my Psychologist, Dr. Charles today. I left the appointment feeling as though a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. I told him about my forgetfulness surrounding the last several days taking my medications incorrectly.

Dec 12 03

2PM; I woke up at 12:30PM, took my medicine, drank my protein and puked it all up. This left me with a dilemma; should I retake my medicine or should i forget about it and go to bed? I took my Abilify and Clonazepam and went on to drink my coffee.

2:30PM; I took my 2:00PM dose and was not bothered by the recurrent nausea but there I go again; totally fucking up my medicine. Today should prove to be an interesting day.

5PM; I’m feeling awfully weird on the verge of psychotic. Smells, tastes, and sound are intermixed, a sort of synesthesia.

8PM; The previous psychotic symptoms have subsided. All I can say is THANKS GOD!

Dec 13 03

10AM; I have just finished taking my medicines, my coffee, and my whey drink. I’m ready to take on the day.

1PM; I am having a good day. Normally, I stay in my room. Now I have gone outside to play with my dog, Buddy, and went down our 400ft driveway to get the mail. I have alot of energy and pep.

6pm: I am losing my pep so I am going to drink a couple of cups of coffee. When Roger returns from playing paintball. I’ll have to workout. Here he comes up the stairs so I must sign off to go lift weights.

Dec 18 03

1AM; I haven’t been able to write for a while now. This is because I have been going through a period off staying in my room and in bed due to Apathy and depreessive anxiety.

4AM; I am awake and hearing voices that are telling me that I can’t trust anyone, even my doctor. I took an additional Haldol and am waiting for it to work. Meanwhile I am going to ask Mom up to sit with me until the Haldol takes effect.

6AM; Mom made Chamomile tea and we talked until now. The Haldol is working I can’t go back to sleep, so I made a cup of coffee and used it to take my morning dose.

8AM; I am still awake and full of nervous energy. I don’t like this, but it is better than the last few days, when I was apathetic and full of psychotic anxiety.

3PM; I’m having trouble just dealing with life today. Nothing is as it seems.

Dec 20 03

2PM; I went to bed at 2:30AM, so I am still sleepy. I am hoping for a day like yesterday, put it’s too early to tell.

7PM; I just woke up from a 3 hour nap. I am full of psychotic anxiety. I don’t know how to stop them. Therefore; I am trying to watch a movie with Grandma.

9PM; Grandma and I hated the movie. I’m tired, so I’m going to bed.

Dec 31 03

I have not been writing for 10 days now. This is because I was severely depressed and almost suicidal.

3PM; I just got my thoughts together and am thinking about the rollercoaster life I live. Some of my family members think that I can just snap out of it. Nobody but other Schizophrenics can understand the severity of psychotic torture that I endure.

January 1 04

9AM; Because I fell asleep at 4AM, I really did not sleep enough. I took my 9AM dose of medicines, and drank 4 cups of coffee to stay alert. I don’t know how today is going to turn out.

1PM; My anxiety is sky high. I don’t know if it was the coffee or the lack of sleep that brought this one. It sure is a good thing my next dose is only an hour away.

6PM; My anxiety level is at the threshold of Panic attacks. I find that little things are pissing me off. I dare not take an extra Clonazepam, because I have not the permission from Dr. Anders.

Jan 2 04

4PM; I’m having a good day. I woke up at 3PM. My family is out to get Megan a new car.

5PM; I was inside the garage with Grandma when she fell down pretty hard. She lacerated her elbow and hit her head. This gave me alot of anxiety. SO much so, I was dripping with sweat. Grandma handled this better than I did.

8PM; Mom and Dad finally checked her out

Jan 3 04

12AM; Susan ended up sewing up Grandma’s elbow.

2AM; I woke up hallucinating both audibly and visually. I woke up Mom to sit with me and tie me to reality. I felt like Peter Pan, trying to get his shadow back.

3AM; I am still hallucinating. Mom told me that I must take some Haldol. I took 20mg. When I went back downstairs, She asked me how much I had taken. I told her. She thought 10mg would do it, but she understood that I needed to come down ASAP.

4AM; The Haldol started working, so I went to bed.

2PM: I woke up wondering if I had dreamed about all of last night until I looked in my diary.

6PM; Mom just took me to get cigarettes at Country Counter. When we returned we learned that Gtrandma had fallen again. This time, Grandma had a goose egg on her left eye.

Jan 04 04

1PM; Dad was really rude to me, so I told him that he was a very rude person. He told me that he was going to kick me out. I just wish he would mellow out. He is always a mean old fart.

2PM; Mom and I are going to get me whey protein. We may go to the movie: possibly Peter Pan.

6PM; Mom and I just returned from the Tops grocery store and Vitamin World (to get my whey protein)

7PM I called Roger, so he would know I would be at the airport with mom to pick him up. I am still upset with dad and will never take his abuse again.

11PM; I woke up to take my midnight medicine. Buddy was hungry, so I fed him: I couldn’t sleep until 3am, so I made use of my time by spending it with Buddy.

Jan 05 04

5PM; We just came home from picking Roger up at the airport. We are now going to help my brother Dean move into the basement. I am still feeling alot of paranoia and anxiety.

9PM; A nap helped with my paranoia, but not the anxiety. I turned out that Dean was finishing moving in, so Roger and I both took naps. For neither of us got much sleep the past night.

Jan 6 04

5PM; I woke up at 4PM. What a wonderful sleep! I am really feeling good today. No anxiety! No psychotic symptoms!

10PM; I am still feeling great. I had a great workout. My anxiety is coming back, I don’t know why, but over all this has truly been a great day.

Jan 10 04

5PM; I woke up at 4pm, I had went to bed at 6am. I hope I don’t get my sleeping schedule screwed up. I dreamed about the Anaconda Pythons that I saw on animal planet. Some were big enough to eat a man. I’m talking about 30 foot long snakes. I am feeling good, sense I slept and dreamed.

Jan 11 04

4PM; I’m having another good day so far. I slept great, dreamed and I woke up peacefully.

6PM; Since Roger and mom have been out all day, I have been spending my time with Buddy the dog. He is a very fat but good dog. He doesn’t give me attitude to deal with. I hope Roger gets home soon so we can watch Steven Seagals latest movie, “belly of the Beast”

7PM; Mom and Roger returned from the force soccer game. They had a great time. I personally think it’s good for Roger to spend time with my mom.

11PM; The movie was outstanding. Roger and I really enjoyed it. As a matter of fact, this whole day was the best in a long time. I’m now going to bed.

Jan 12 04

5PM; Roger found my stamp collection. Oh, what a happy day this is. I can finally have the means to put him through college. I feel although a great weight is lifted off my shoulders.

Jan 13 04

9AM; I have had another great day. Although I am feeling sped up. I doubt that I will sleep tonight. I pray I don’t hallucinate.

Jan 14 04

6AM; I have not slept all night because of hallucinations. I should have taken another Haldol when my mind was all sped up.

4PM; I looked in my medicine tray for yesterday. And found two Haldols wedged in the corner. This type of mistake is usually why I hallucinate.

Jan 15 04

5PM; I wake up early this morning, so I don’t have my usual pop and energy. To combine this, I have had six cups of coffee, spread out over the next few hours. I know that this is going to cause anxiety, but I have a long list of things to do.

Jan 17 04

6PM; Today has been another great day. No Hallucinations. No anxiety. Today has also been very boring. I haven’t put in any entries for a few days now. I have had mostly symptom free, so I have enjoyed life and the tranquility of a quiet mind.

Jan 21 04

2PM; I am very upset, yet aloof, about grandma going to the hospital until there’s an opening at the nursing home.

Jan 22 04

2AM; I am back to the anxiety and hallucinations. I woke up mom, and she sat with me until an extra Haldol took effect.

2PM; I just woke up. I am full of anxiety and I feel just awful. The fact that grandma is going into a nursing home is making me upset to the point of anxiety/panic attacks.

Jan 23 04

3PM; I woke up because Buddy had to urinate outside. I am feeling well and hae been taking my meds correctly for a week now.

Jan 24 04

9AM; I am really excited that grandma is coming home today. I don’t know why my anxiety goes up when good things are about to happen. It apparently goes up whether I’m feeling good or bad. When she arrives I will sit next to her for the rest of the day.

Jan 27 04

5PM; From 11am till now I’m taking care of grandma. She is really having a ruff time today. This is causing a great deal of anxiety on me.

9PM; Grandmas night meds is given to her.

10PM; Grandmas night dose kicked in now its time for me to go to bed.

Jan 29 04

10PM; Today went very fast. Taking care of grandma has left me tired and in lower back pain. She can no longer move. I’ve had to carry her, lift her and adjust her in bed.

Feb 05 04

8PM; Grandma has pulled out of her stroke. I finally can return to this diary. Tomarrow, I get to see Dr. Anders. I haven’t been hallucinating as much. However I have been quite detached at times to the point where I wasn’t hearing people even if they screamed at me. I’m not driving because of this.

Feb 06 04

3PM; After seeing Dr. Anders, I was and am elated. He said that except for the detachment, I was having a remission.

Feb 08 04

3PM; Uncle Jack, Aunt Sue and Aunt Linda came over for a visit. They were a little on the downside.

Feb 10 04

10PM; It seems although I have spent all day either sleeping or watching grandma. I think that both of us are in low gear. The exception being I have had a high level of anxiety.

Feb 19 04

12 AM; I am hearing multiple voices coming at me. I can’t sort them out. This sucks. I am going to talk to mom

1AM; Mom told me to take another Haldol, so I did.

2AM The voices have stopped.

4AM; I’m going to sleep now.

1PM; I just woke up to a noisy sound in my room. Yes, the voices have returned. I’m gunna call Dr. Anders.

4PM; Dr. Anders said to take an extra Haldol every day until this psychotic “flare up” goes away.

Feb 21 04

11AM; I wake up at 10am, which is very unusual for me. Right now I am full of anxiety and generalized confusion due to all the voices I am hearing.

9PM; Grandma needs help from her wheel chair to her bed. This usually is a snap however I am hearing voices telling me not to do it. After I asked mom to help me, she didn’t know I was tripping. I felt more at ease helping grandma.

Feb 22 04

9PM; I spent the entire day helping grandma, while I was detached or hearing voices. This is very difficult to do.

Feb 25 04

7PM; I’ve not had any hallucinations today. However I’ve been battling anxiety to the point of sweats.

9PM; The anxiety has abstained, I am looking forward to an excellent. evening.

Feb 26 04

6PM; I have been hearing voices all day telling me to do this or that. Today is one of those days when I have ringing in my ears from all the voices.

Mar 01 04

3AM; Had to wake up Dad because hallucinations were unbearable. Dad said to take an additional Haldol.

5PM; Feeling normal except for a bad sinus headache

Mar 02 04

12PM; Hallucinations drove me to put in a call to Dr. Anders.

1:15PM Dr. Anders called and told me to take an extra Haldol.

11PM; The extra Haldol did not help. I am hearing voices.

Mar 04 04

1AM; I am not thinking too well. Buddy my dog is giving me a lecture about hygiene, so I went to take a shower. The shower was filled with rats. I didn’t feel like taking one anymore.

10:30PM; I have finally stopped hallucinating. I hope that this is not temporary. I will just have to see as time goes by.

Mar 05 04

10PM; No hallucinations, no anxiety, good uneventful day.

Mar 14 04

I have not had many symptoms or troubles for the last 10 days, so I did not have any journal entries.

11PM; Today was a difficult day. Relatives and inlaws were here. At dinner time it was unbearable. All the people were talking at once. I ate a few pieces of corned-beef, then left for my room. I haven’t been out of my room since. Now, I am stressed out. I’m hearing voices and having severe anxiety. I am going to lay in bed and practice relaxation breathing.

Mar 15 04

11PM; I slept all day. It must have been the 2 cups of coffee I had this morning. Now I just wonder whether or not I will sleep tonight.

Mar 16 04

10PM; I was sleepy all day. Coffee didn’t help. It only brought on anxiety. At least I will sleep tonight.

Mar 17 04

2PM; I saw Dr. Anders today. He said that I was doing well due to BCAAs. My Artane was reduced to 3x day. He also said that I should take Melatonin 30 min before bedtime.

Mar 18 04

1PM; Dr. Charles called and said he made a mistake on my appt. that he wanted to see me tomorrow.

Mar 19 04

2PM; I went to Dr. Charles office and we spent an hour talking about being a father.

Mar 20 04

6PM; Saw Kevin and Brandon play hockey against an older team.

Mar 24 04

2:30PM; I just awake with a bad headache.

1PM; Gma Caldwell is dying so everyone was over for a drink with Dad.

Mar 25 04

11PM; We finally decided to put Gma into a nursing home. This realization was distressing to Mom, Dad, and me, but not as much as it would be if we would have to continue taking care of her at home.

Mar 26 04

1:30AM; Gma Caldwell just died. I gave Dad a Hug.

June 19 04

2:30PM; I’ve been having hallucinations for 7 days now. Right now I am hearing voices and seeing flashes of light.

10:17PM; Someday I’d like have a normal life: You know job, wife, Roger and a truck. It gets pretty fukin boring watching things breath that have no lungs.

June 20 04

1:25PM; I’m feeling a little bit detached. The Benadryl sometimes does that to me.

4:15PM; Sam and Katie came over for a “cook out”

June 21 04

11AM; I woke up refreshed from a tortured sleep. It seemed as though I was up all night.

7PM; I’ve been tired and detached all day long. I still feel this way. I hope I sleep tonight and have a better Tomorrow!

June 22 04

8:20PM; I told Maria that Roger might want to go to Fla. I’m feeling sad that Roger might have said that I was smoking pot.

June 23 04

3PM; I am feeling better. The issue w/ Roger does not concern me for I did not smoke any pot. Mom seems to be overwhelmed by it. I not in any way detached at this moment. I feel however that I am going to have some hallucinations at a later time in the day.

June 24 04

2:30PM; I woke up fine except for anxiety as I would expect after a good sleep. Today at 4PM I get to see Dr. Charles. I have a lot to talk about.

8PM; The appt. w/ Dr. Charles was one of my better ones. I am now feeling quite detached. I’m trying very hard to concentrate.

June 25 04

1PM; I’m in for another boring day (sarcasm)

2:30PM; Today sucks. I feel a tremendous feeling of anxiety. I wonder if all schizophrenics go through depression and apathy the way I do on a daily basis.

June 26 04

7PM; I’m definitely going to call Dr. Anders and tell him about these fucking hallucinations.

10PM; I am going to take 10mg Haloperidol extra tonight. Hopefully, I’ll stop hallucinating.

June 27 04

3PM; I’m so bothered by hallucinations that I think I’m going to lose my mind.

June 29 04

8PM; Dr. Anders temporarily increased me from 30mg Haloperidol to 40mg Haloperidol yesterday. Today, I am relieved of the hallucinations, but not the sense of detachment.

July 04 04

1:30PM; I awake to find nobody home. For once I am feeling quite normal.

5PM; I ate a couple of pieces of grain bread and the flour and grains must have caused my face turn reddish and my eyes glossy.

July 05 04

3:30PM; I’m feeling a little trippy today. A sense of aloofness is included.

7PM; All day, I’ve felt trippy and aloof.

July 06 04

11AM; Mom gave Buddy a bath. He smells much better than before. I am feeling a dull anxiety at this time.

7:30PM; I am hearing voices. I just wish they’d shut up!

July 07 04

4PM; Last night was a blast. I was sober at a drinkemup joint. I simply had the time of my life.

July 09 04

6PM; Last night I forgot to take my night dose. This morning I was tripping. This after noon, I was hearing voices. Now I am not sure whether to “eat this” “drink that” as in Alice in Wonderland.

July 10 04

1PM; I just woke up. I’m feeling better than yesterday. Not tripping or voices. However; I do have a sense of detachment.

7PM; I am starting to feel lousy again. Every imaginable hallucination is going on. I’m pretty darn frustrated.

July 11 04

3:30PM; I’m a little panicky. I don’t feel like going outside.

5PM; I would kill for a egg-salad sandwhich I don’t know why. I could just taste it.

July 13 04

2PM; I helped Dad w/ the guitar room. I’m having Anxiety for the most part of my consciousness.

July 14 04 (Blood is on this page of the notebook)

2PM; I am feeling nauseous and tired. Axel woke me up at 5:30AM, and I could not get back to sleep.

July 15 04

5PM; I just finished talking with Dr. Charles we talked about parenting skills.

No one saw things as I did. No one believed the things I thought were happening to me. The longer this continued, the worse it became. Before long, I thought my house was being wire-tapped and that my food could possibly be poisened. Now living at home with my parents, I did not want to endanger them so I kept things to myself.

My parents sent to to a psychiatrist. They were worried because I was not working. I graduated from college while working part-time as well as being involved in college clubs. Now, I was sleeping in until ten or eleven o’clock in the morning and often not working. The psychiatrist offered to prescribe me an anti-depressant, because I never told him what I thought was really happening to me. If I talked, things would surely get worse.

Eventually, it became intolerable. I believed my neighbors were plotting against me. I left notes in their mailboxes demanding that they leave me alone. "Enough is enough," I wrote. One of the neighbors was an FBI agent. I thought he was behind the wire-tapping. One of the other neighbors caught me, and the next day I was given the choice of going to the Crisis Center or going to jail. I chose the Crisis Center and was hospitalized.

During my stay at the hospital, I was prescribed Risperdal. At that time, it was a new medication and I was told I responded well to it. I no longer believed people were out to get me. The hospital staff was pleased with me because I showered every day and attended all the patient activities. I was the only patient that wore street clothes. They said I might be able to hold a job.

After getting out, I was determined to be normal. I found a part-time job as a sales associate in a department store, then worked full-time for a lumber retail store chain. I did not mind the jobs, but wanted to use my college education. Writing always appealed to me, so I enrolled in a few classes at a local university and worked as a "stringer" at a weekly newspaper. The position went well, and I was hired by a daily newspaper.

The job did not last long. I stopped taking the medication because I had a difficult time keeping up. I was also extremely self-conscious because I was approaching my thirties and was not on my own yet. People at work teased me about things I could do nothing about. As a result of being off the medication, I turned in articles that made little sense and quoted people as saying things they never said. The managing editor had a meeting with me and told me he was concerned. He said he contacted the editor of the weekly where I worked as a stringer and and my past professors about my ability to do the job. I denied there was anything wrong and was soon fired.

After that, I refused to take the medication. I worked through labor temporary services and factories. The longest I held a job was for nine months. It was on the "grave yard shift" for a a plastics factory. I managed to get my own place, but young people moved in next door and were having parties every weekend. On my days away from the job, it made it difficult to sleep. I asked them to stop a few times, and they became angry.

One evening, they did not have a party. Three of them cornered me and swore at me. They would not let me in my place. I was afraid and confused. No one was that mad at me before. A fight broke out and I could not get away from them. The police broke it up and I was sent to the hospital with an eye swollen shut and they were sent to jail.

After getting out of the hospital, I did not want to go back to the apartment. I returned to my parents’ house, but they did not want me back without the medication. After repeated talks and my refusal to take the medication, they locked me out. I would wait on the porch for them for hours, and they would let me back in. We argued and I was eventually hospitalized again.

Following the hospitalization, I was sent to a halfway house. My days and evenings were spent with other people that had mental illness. During this time, I had to accept the that I was sick and that my life would be different. There was no where to go and no one to do things with that did not have a mental illness. I heard many peoples’ experiences and it helped me not to fight or ignore the fact that I was mentally ill.

For the past four years, I have been working at an agency that houses the homeless and mentally ill. It is the longest I have held a job since I graduated college almost fifteen years ago. I worked part-time for two years and was then hired into a full-time position. It was hard not to bounce around when things were not going well or I wished they were different, but it has been very rewarding. I get to see people come and go rather than leaving and starting over again.

In high school, still without treatment, I eventually began drinking in a desperate attempt to ease my pain. It only made things worse, increasing my psychoses and intensifying psychotic episodes that terrified me.

I entered college in 1972, still not understanding my illness. In the winter of 1975, my mental anguish grew so severe that I tried to commit suicide. I ended up in the psychiatric ward of a nearby hospital, where I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and began to receive treatment. I finally began to understand the bizarre world of hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, and psychotic episodes that is called schizophrenia.

I started doing research to better understand the illness; I was determined to overcome and recover from it. This process continues to this day.

Then came a turning point: I became involved with my local chapter of the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). I attended NAMI support groups and began to go to state and national conventions, where I met many other individuals diagnosed with mental illnesses and we shared our experiences of recovery.

My association with NAMI led me to The Advocacy Alliance (an affiliate of the National Mental Health Association), another wonderful organization that helps people who have mental illnesses. I began doing volunteer work there, and this has better enabled me to reintegrate into the community. The wonderful staffs at both organizations have helped me a great deal. My fiancée, whom I met at the Advocacy Alliance, has also been diagnosed with schizophrenia; we try to help each other in our recovery, and we have hopes for a bright future.

I still have schizophrenia but I have recovered to the point where I am able to function within the community, and I try to pass along this hope of recovery to others. I have become involved with my local Community Support Program, a coalition of people with mental illnesses, family members, and mental health professionals; and the Pennsylvania Mental Health Consumers’ Association (PMHCA), a statewide organization of people who have mental illnesses, in order to help others like myself.

Recently, I was hired by PMHCA as Northeast Pennsylvania Coordinator for “Leadership In Recovery” programs that will be taking place for the next three years. I really love this job, and I am trying to apply my experiences in recovery from mental illness to my work. I also do educational presentations about mental illness at local colleges, facilities for children and adolescents with mental illness, and local mental health counseling centers. These presentations are sponsored by the Advocacy Alliance.

A diagnosis of mental illness should not be a barrier to achieving one’s goals. Anyone can recover: It just takes hard work and a willingness to develop the coping skills necessary to overcome mental illness.

Frank Catrelli