I think I might have scitzophrenia, when i’m alone I hear voices that are muffled and there is no logical place where they could be coming from, I am also starting to think that people are out to get me. How do I tell my parents or anyone else what is happening it is slightly embarrising and I don’t know what people will say. Does anybody have any ideas or advice that could help me?
Archive for the ‘Scared’ Category
I realize that its in my head. It doesn’t matter. I’m still sad and depressed because I know that eventually everyone I know will leave me. Right now, everything I do and say is being recorded. My closest family and friends are ready to report anything I say or do. I have nothing to worry about and yet I am so afraid. I know that this is a lifelong challenge and that it isn’t real. I am still scared. I am scared that one day someone will come and take me away and I will be alone. I pray for help and am comforted. The next day, minute, moment something changes and I am afraid. Will someone say something about me when I walk into that room? Are they talking about me? NO. YES. Oh GOD please help me. I don’t know. It’s not real. I know its not but these ******** thoughts come anyway. I want to end it all and be done with it.
Part I – The trip:
When a movie was presented to me by my parents, I often thought it contained a hidden message. I watched attentively throughout the movie Gattaca waiting for the message to appear. I stared in wonder at the lengths Ethan Hawk would go through to become of the elite. I sat patiently hooked to my screen while Hawk and his brother took a swim across the lake. I waited and waited until we reached the very end of the movie. Than the message my parents were trying to get across was clear: I was going on a trip.
I didn’t think much of this hidden message; I just shaved, showered and brushed my teeth like I did every night. I went to bed expecting nothing but sleep. But something wasn’t quite right… Startling white images awoke me in the middle of the night. My eyes widened… I had just been flashed with an image which resulted in me gasping for air. A giant spider had been hanging from the ceiling in front of me. The best metaphor to be used is this: every flash felt like I was bungee jumping in ice cold water while being in full darkness. There was a feeling of zero gravity mixed with coldness. This element of abnormality really shook me to the core and it remains the worst feeling I have ever felt. I was physically having problems breathing. My body started to shiver uncontrollably and forced me into a small ball. After the 4th flash, I started desperately whispering “please stop” and began repeating my friend’s name over and over. The flashes stopped and I remained in a panicked death grip throughout the night; a deer in the headlights, completely frozen.
Memories of last night’s movie stayed in my head; maybe my parents were telling me I needed to take this trip again. The next day I woke up filled with purpose. Even though I failed the trip – I told them to stop – I was determined to do whatever it took. I believed I would die in the process but would be reborn. I said to myself that I wasn’t ready for the trip, I didn’t know what to expect therefore this time I can prepare and do better. How do you prepare for death? I figured if people wanted me dead it was for a good cause and that it would somehow grant me a life of privilege or respect in the next. I didn’t mention it to my family because I thought they hinted I had failed. I played a heavy dose of Burnout 3 for the xbox that day. The speed and the music always calmed my nerves.
The following night I was in panic mode. I prepared numerous candles and incense. But most importantly I prepared a playlist of the most peaceful music I had in my collection. I figured these preparations would give me the edge I needed. The method of waking up really frightened me, I figured I would wake up like Neo in the Matrix or wake up a long hallway. The hallway would have a point of light at the end and would be filled with aliens from all planets. I didn’t sleep all night; I was still in shock. I became convinced that in order for this to occur (or start), I had to be asleep. And I really wanted to get it over with. But days became weeks and weeks became months. I would be up to sometimes six in the morning, wide awake, listening to my carefully chosen playlist. Exhaustion set in and eventually forced me to sleep every night. Nothing happened. I was confused by this situation and wondered if I had missed my one chance. The long anxiety filled days really burned me out. I became obsessed with that one horrible night. Eventually I broke down and came to my mother telling her I did not want to go on this trip. She brought me to the hospital.
Part II -The secret society:
My hospital stay gave me quite a bit of time for thinking. Boredom controlled me and my paranoid thoughts gave birth. This boredom (sitting looking at a wall all day) became a method of slow torture. I was determined to get out of the hospital at any cost. Therefore, while my delusions were getting worse, I was denying them to everyone. I became much more introverted and started to depend only on myself.
Because of the insane amount of time I had on my hands, my delusions grew. I started looking for clues about the trip and why I failed it. I began to think people spoke in riddles. They weren’t allowed to tell me the truth but they could hint at it. That was the law. For you see this group had laws. This opened up more ideas, the thought that an organization lived. I searched for theses hidden messages in every word and phrase. Hoping to find answers to all these questions I had. I would twist words around and around and find new meanings. I became convinced these people were not real doctors or nurses.
I started hearing voices. The voices were misinterpretations of what people were saying. In the hospital there is a lot of noise in the background. The voices I heard varied from every subject, but most importantly it mirrored what I was thinking. For example if I was pondering about death someone would say “you’re going to hell”. This gave birth to the idea of mind reading.
Mind reading crippled me. I became very paranoid of everyone, thinking they judged everything I thought or did. And getting judged by every comment can get very frustrating and angering. Because of the intense attention through my delusions, I began to feel really burnout.
I thought this organization had big plans for me since I was getting so much feedback. I began to think they weren’t just an organization but a secret society. And I was going through initiation period.
Eventually, I was released from the hospital with anti-psychotic medications… They did nothing for me other than provide me with panic attacks when I took them.
Part III – Mr Regina
Being released in the outside world really helped to calm my nerves. Having access to good food, music, video games and television really eradicated what I was trying to escape from: boredom. My delusions did not subside however, they became worse.
I thought the TV would often lecture me with some hidden agenda. A commercial with a little girl would mean I was acting like a little girl. A big man would mean I was acting like a big man. A luxury car would mean that I was on the right track. I would debate something in my head and flip the channels till I heard an answer. The answer would often be a metaphor.
I would sit at work looking at the cars. Each color would comment on my thinking. If I saw a blue car it would mean I was thinking sadly. If I saw a green car it would mean I was showing signs of growth. If I saw red car it would mean stop, white would mean we bring you peace.
I started to see signs everywhere. Traffic lights, stop signs, cars, movie previews, the color of the sky, advertising was a big one. A welldone truck would mean that I was doing some great thinking. A star on a bus would mean I was a star. Radio one would signify people were talking about me. This is why I began to think I was “Mr Regina”. I was the kid with great potential everyone put there time into.
I became so convinced that people knew me I would sit with strangers at coffee houses. I would randomly sit with a group of people and start listening, introducing myself, “yes I am the Greg, please to meet you”. I remember would old lady actually called me star, this just fuelled my delusions.
Groups began to scare me. So much judging, I had to constantly had to put on a nice imagine all the time. Never being rude in your mind is very difficult. I did my best to hide my rude comments and had blamed myself, my education, my society. I was constantly in defense mode. If I wanted to get into this secret society I had to be strong, polite and focused.
Months past and the attention drove me on the edge of insanity. I was tiered of being so stressed. I ended up watching TV one day hyperventilating while holding my mom’s hand. I remember the words on the tv so clearly, “your almost a legend”. My mom begged me to go to the hospital again, after half-hour of debate I told her this would be the last time.
After my sixth prescript on pills I finally found the right one. I started to doubt things, first mind reading, than everything sorta melted away.
There was a lot going on, and it’s difficult to grasp this all. The best I can explain it is severe culture shock, being jolted to the streets of China all alone.
