Schizophrenia Diaries

firstly i would like to say schizophrenic illness are the sadest trying soul destoying personalitity destroying evil sadistic totally challenging and tests the person who ill and destroys everyone in there everyday life in the family home it takes you way beyond deppression and till u no longer feel human who can no longer understand the basic facts on anything.iam naw at the stage where iam questioningmy own sanity and whats right or wrong i can no longer cope iam over the edge.i know its a medical illness not there fault my boyfreind was born with it it was his genes.just the same as cancer,iwould truthally pick cancer out the 2?he is 49 years old and was sectioned at 15 as he was convinced his mother was trying to kill him through poisoning the cheese as he was obsesed with it and thats all he would eat for long periods of time ,he nevertold any body or wont ed to express any feelings that he thought abnormal he never showed any emotions or saw any in his brothers or sister ,he
came from a large family of 8.10 with mum and dad his dad was a full blown alcoholic with violent moodswings who constantlyplayed about from home, a goodlooking smart womaniserwho carryed on with who ever no respect or consideration for his wife or kids whom he beat upon in drunkon violent beating he mentaly and phsically abused them all on a daily basisa narsty controling monster who gave them nothing but he and his life style had what he wonted.Some days they would have to go down bins another peoples rubbish to eat or had to shoplift due to hunger.to survive they had no clothes that fit them properly nor bought for them my boyfreind who i will call mr x never had a pair of socks on his feet from the day he can remember till he was about 12?WHEN HE FIRST TOLD ME ABOUT HIS UP BRINGING i couldnt relate to there being any truth in any of it as to me thats not normal even though iamaware abuse does happen i couldnt relate to any dad doing that, my wasis wonderful the best in the
worldall ways has been allways will be.i wasvery upset and sad for him and broke down in tears,that must have been awful to grow up like that but mrx when iaskes him why he never ran away or him and his brothers never ganged up on him and made him leave or even told some one like the police or a school teacher he told me it was normal and thought that was like that in every home and that it was ok he never went hungry for longer that 3 days at any one time that was the only issue he kept talking about he couldnt understand why i was so upset by the thought of there suffering and horrible life,he never had xmas presants or clean cloths they had no electric coming in there home which he said was a form of shed there only means of warmth in winter was to burn the remains of so called furniture on a fire when it was all burnt he new there dad beat them all for doing it but he said they were so cold they didnt care at the time,at this stage he said he was about 7 and his mother was never
there and couldnt cope any more and she ran off leaving them all behind,they never went to school or had any friends or any body of there own age to play with everyone avoided the family they were called the mad deprived poor kids who were smelly and strange and not to be trusted around other familys or wonted as the older siblings left home asap one by one they went of on there own way leaving the poor youngest who were mrx and 1 younger brother, mrx went of at 10 and lived on the streets homeless and on his own for 6 years nearly you can imagion the horrific experiences he must of seen gone through and lived daily, i asked him to spare the details as i couldnt listen any more as i was totally and utterly in shock horrified and sickened as a mother myself i cant understand how this happens i felt so sorry for him ,and i was going to love him for ever and ever and create happy loving memories for him and allways be there for him .AS TIME WENT BY THE FIRST 6 MONTH TOGETHERi began
to see odd way s and strange things he would say and he could never have a normal conversation without confusing me to the point id forgot what the question was in the first place never could he give a direct answer, i suppose it due to never having been loved so he was intitlled to be a bit cold or insecure with trusting any one as he didnt know haw.acoupl

I am diagnosed with schizophrenia. I`m going to try and explain my life since that event where I first started showing symptoms.

Everything is a drone of noise, I feel distorted and unplugged from reality. I don`t feel myself. I ask myself what are these limbs I carry, why are they hard in the centre ? I have lost all interest in life and my goals. I feel like a toppled pawn. MY life has no purpose left. The delusional thinking is killing me and I want to know why thinks work the way they do.

Why did my drunk brother beat me up and my parents did nothing.I think maybe this was the cause of my illness,all the stress and the hits to my skull.

I just want to climb out of my skin I fell uncomfortable trapped inside this human body.I tried to commit suicide and I didn`t realize it.I saw my arms like tentacles they were attacking me and I defended myself.People appear smaller and their heads have shrunk.I have lost my social skills.My emotions are confused and my mind is distorted.I self medicated with weed to help me ,but it only helped for a little while.My character changed and the way I mean and do things.I would walk around the house for hours talking and thinking to myself.I became obsessed with a Band called Pig destroyer.I believed they wrote about my life.I foiled my room believing it will protect me from RF links and EMI so that I cant be controlled.I thought I was an alien and my mission was to observe people and make a report.my parents were my tutorial.I believed everyone can copy my mind and hear my thoughts but I cannot do the same even if I was supposed to.I wrote strange things on my foiled walls.weird things
and pig destroyer lyrics.I carved alien like signs in my arms and burned a symbol in my chest .my mind would run into walls and i would talk funny according to witnesses.I cant remember much anymore but it basicly sucked.I`d forget things and my memory was delayed.I couldn`t meet people and talk to strangers.

I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist and the professor of psychiatry in south africa.I was put onto respirdal and depramil.I don`t know how things will be from now on but it seems a bit better.

At the age of 22 I was a happy wealthy healthy girl in a 3 year relationship which ended after nine years. At 22 I was making 400 to 800 per day. I was gEtting tattoos, concert tickets, and new cars. I was truly in love. We had evolved past a death and an abortion which lead to greater financial freedom. At that time we had my boyfriend’s best friend living with us and it felt like a good situation.

I was raised with the option to study the metaphysical. And I did from age 13 to 22. I had 3 tarot decks which I didn’t use much. One night, I decided to open up a deck and read into my roommate and his girl friends life. It blatantly said she was pregnant and 2 days later we found out she was. It was the night of the tarot that I heard a voice. It seemed calming and had a lot to say which I wrote down to the best of my abilities. After the first night it got hard to accept and believed it was all spiritual. It was a womans voice and I thought it was an angel. Its when it said I can help you drive that I felt crazy. And the voice did drive me to feeling extremely anxious. No one knew at this time. It got to the point of me feeling violated. Nothing would ever be the same.

In March 2009 I was diagnosed with Delusional Disorder- a relatively new classification subsumed under the general classification of Paranoid Schizophrenia until the advent of DSMIII-r in 1987.

I am afflicted by delusions and hallucinations. I believe that some kind of a device or power opens up my thoughts to the public so that everyone can know what I’m thinking or feeling. This is particularly problematic in crowds, when everyone is staring at me and whispering about me. Frustratingly, while the crowd all know what I’m thinking, I have no idea what they are thinking or saying.

I hear strange voices, especially in crowds, directing derogatory expletives at me.

I am also bothered by the appearance of shadowy bugs crawling all over my walls. But when I jump after them to squash them they are always gone, or they were never there to begin with.

Bizarre and obnoxious odors plague me often. One smell I can best describe as the stench of an old man’s dirty dentures. Another is like burning rat excrement. Another is a sweet chemical smell.

Some times there is a very frightening sound in my house. When my family is not home I hear what sounds like soldiers marching in the upper story. When I go up to investigate I can never find them.

All of this came upon me gradually from early adulthood. It all escaped diagnosis until I was 52 years old. I had always just thought I was different and strange. I have never liked crowds. I have never had close friends. I crave silence and isolation. I pretty much stay in my home and listen to music, which masks and covers the voices and sounds. I am on Risperidone. citalopram, and bupropion. These medications have helped significantly, but not cured the problem.

My name is John Joseph Walsh the third. I live in New York City. This city that never sleeps. And I don’t sleep. And it sucks. I spend my time studying and researching different things on the internet. I’ve been constantly studying different forms of martial arts. When the sun is out me and my friends will go to the park and beat the shit out of each other until we’re sore and tired. Sometimes I go for so long I can even fall asleep. It’s painful and therapeutic and wonderful but it also makes me angrier then I already am. And I’m a very angry person. Sometime I get so over whelmed by my emotions that I retract into this place in my head and i space out and draw pictures of my thought. The image that always comes out is cartoon like and obscure. It always starts off with 3 clouds. These 3 clouds always have different facial expressions and there is one giant lightning bolt erupting from the center cloud. On top of the clouds is a giant snowy mountain. Sometimes the mountain has
different monsters crawling on them. On the top of this mountain is a gothic castle. There is two stone pillars on the sides of the building and a giant wooden door in the middle of the castle. on top of the castle is a giant pointy watch tower. Within this watch tower is a circle table and at this table are 8 different demons that control my mind. Over the castle is a fool moon with a face that laughs at me constantly. These demons control everything I do and sometimes when I’m under the influence I scream and have fits about them and I trash around and break and hurt people. I’d say this is a problem but quite frankly I love it.