Schizophrenia Diaries - Community News http://schizophreniadiaries.com True Stories & Diaries of Psychological Torture en hourly 1 Fv Community News Donnas story Donna Gritten Tue, 09 Feb 2010 22:49:52 +0000 I am 33 yrs old but my schizophrenia started at 11 yrs old and I didn’t tell anyone I was hearing voices and for some reason I didn’t act on the voices well most of the voices were insults up until 16 then I start hearing voices telling me to cuss out people I didn’t like and I did including a special ed teacher I got introuble but not kicked out of school because she called me stupid in front of the whole class well I think that triggered me and I started calling her names and yelling at her accusing her of stuff she didn’t do and stuff she sent me to the office and I told the princable about her calling me stupid in front of the whole class and he made me eat lunch in his office for 3 days and took me out of her class and put me in the class for the slower kids because I couldn’t get along with her. The voices didn’t get better they just keep telling me to cuss at people alot and insulted me alot at 20 I started thinking I had DID and were different people but when I was told to snap out of it I did and I knew some of what was going on and even kinda knew that I was those people and I found admitted that I hear voices when I was 21 in a psych hospital where a doctor told me I didn’t have psychosis that I had a panic disorder and wouldn’t listen to me and sent me home that friday I was in a car accident and was the one that was driving and was hurt well when I was in the hospital I asked to talk to a psych doctor and he put me on my first antipsychotic about 6 months later I had a med ajustmnet and my Risperdal was taken to 2mgs which worked for a while
then a doctor took me off of it and put me on Thorazine while I was on Thorazine I was doing pretty good then I got a new doctor and that doctor changed me to Zeprexa and I got to the point where my exhusband started noticing stuff and when he would say something about would hit him that yr was 2001 and that yr at special olympics that yr I met Mike who is my bestfriend now I tryed attacking Mike that yr at special olympics and he restained me for like 15 minutes and for some reason no one told the coach well that next yr I was put on Halidol which was a big mistake because I got more voilent then I did on the meds that didn’t work at all because not only did it not work I became voilent on it like never before even tryed to stab my exhusband a few times that yr at special olympics I beatup a girl in selfdefense but went to far and broke her jaw nose and knocked her front teeth out and then kicked her in the back of the head when she was on the ground cry or trying to cry I also attacked Mike again and had to be restrained again on the way home from special olympics about the time we got into town Mike asked to use the coaches cell phone and called the cops because he thought that would be the best thing for me is to get help the doctor didn’t change my meds she just raised after that I did good for alittle bit then in 2004 I attacked Mike and a guy named Danny again mike is my now bestfriend and was put in jail both times but that was because there were no beds and when there was a bed I was put in the hosptial on a 72 hour hold both times well I stayed a week both times in 2005 my ex divorsed me for another women but I don’t think that was the only reason he divorsed me I think he was thinking about divorse for about 3 yrs. I think the other women was just a way out well I moved into my boyfriends house who was also named Mike I lived there for a yr and then moved into my folks house well in July 2007 my boyfriend died I was in the hospital a few times because I was griefing then in 2008 I had a very bad Psychotic epixode and was in the hospital 9 days I was put on Geodon which I still am on I was in the hospital a few more times then in September I was in the hospital for 11 days nothing was done with my meds other then I was taken off of two meds one of them I was put back on the other I have been off sense the last episode was last month in Feburary and I was in there for 12 days

]]> I am 33 yrs old but my schizophrenia started at 11 yrs old and I didn’t tell anyone I was hearing voices and for some reason I didn’t act on the voices well most of the voices were insults up until 16 then I start hearing voices telling me to cuss out people I didn’t like and I did including a special ed teacher I got introuble but not kicked out of school because she called me stupid in front of the whole class well I think that triggered me and I started calling her names and yelling at her accusing her of stuff she didn’t do and stuff she sent me to the office and I told the princable about her calling me stupid in front of the whole class and he made me eat lunch in his office for 3 days and took me out of her class and put me in the class for the slower kids because I couldn’t get along with her. The voices didn’t get better they just keep telling me to cuss at people alot and insulted me alot at 20 I started thinking I had DID and were different people but when I was told to snap out of it I did and I knew some of what was going on and even kinda knew that I was those people and I found admitted that I hear voices when I was 21 in a psych hospital where a doctor told me I didn’t have psychosis that I had a panic disorder and wouldn’t listen to me and sent me home that friday I was in a car accident and was the one that was driving and was hurt well when I was in the hospital I asked to talk to a psych doctor and he put me on my first antipsychotic about 6 months later I had a med ajustmnet and my Risperdal was taken to 2mgs which worked for a while
then a doctor took me off of it and put me on Thorazine while I was on Thorazine I was doing pretty good then I got a new doctor and that doctor changed me to Zeprexa and I got to the point where my exhusband started noticing stuff and when he would say something about would hit him that yr was 2001 and that yr at special olympics that yr I met Mike who is my bestfriend now I tryed attacking Mike that yr at special olympics and he restained me for like 15 minutes and for some reason no one told the coach well that next yr I was put on Halidol which was a big mistake because I got more voilent then I did on the meds that didn’t work at all because not only did it not work I became voilent on it like never before even tryed to stab my exhusband a few times that yr at special olympics I beatup a girl in selfdefense but went to far and broke her jaw nose and knocked her front teeth out and then kicked her in the back of the head when she was on the ground cry or trying to cry I also attacked Mike again and had to be restrained again on the way home from special olympics about the time we got into town Mike asked to use the coaches cell phone and called the cops because he thought that would be the best thing for me is to get help the doctor didn’t change my meds she just raised after that I did good for alittle bit then in 2004 I attacked Mike and a guy named Danny again mike is my now bestfriend and was put in jail both times but that was because there were no beds and when there was a bed I was put in the hosptial on a 72 hour hold both times well I stayed a week both times in 2005 my ex divorsed me for another women but I don’t think that was the only reason he divorsed me I think he was thinking about divorse for about 3 yrs. I think the other women was just a way out well I moved into my boyfriends house who was also named Mike I lived there for a yr and then moved into my folks house well in July 2007 my boyfriend died I was in the hospital a few times because I was griefing then in 2008 I had a very bad Psychotic epixode and was in the hospital 9 days I was put on Geodon which I still am on I was in the hospital a few more times then in September I was in the hospital for 11 days nothing was done with my meds other then I was taken off of two meds one of them I was put back on the other I have been off sense the last episode was last month in Feburary and I was in there for 12 days

]]> im just a girl, temporary lost at sea. jade Mon, 08 Feb 2010 23:04:48 +0000 The phrase i used temporary lost at sea is what i say about myself and my illness, i think it sums up how i feel and how alot of others feel, perfectly.

My name is Jade and im 22yrs old and i live in the UK.
i think im in that period just before you go compleatly schizophrenic, but i feel strongly that i am developing it.

i tried to kill myself when i was 21 an overdose, this was when i started seeing a psyciatrist and a psycologist.
my first diegnoncence was borderline personality disorder back then it made sence.

but these days im thinking its much more.

i hear voices at night, it sounds like im in a crowded room and i just hear many convosations going on and only clealy hear a few words here and there, i also hear my name alot.

i see things move, i see flashes of light, i somtimes hear my thoughts out load like thought broadcasting and i also get thought extraction, ill be thinking somthing and then my thoughts are just gone and i cant remember what i was thinking about.

i also hear noises, like the sound of the door but no one is threre, knocks all over the house, which freaks me out.

eveer since about 3 years ago i have slowly begun to change, my boyfriend sees it and i know it.

my paranoid dullutions take the form of men in white vans beeping at me i see them everywhere and its not just coincidence, its just too many times and too many of them and it happenes nearly all the times i go out.
also i beleive that we have no signal in our home for our mobiles because someoene is tapping into it and recording messeges.

i think as this year goes on things are going to get worse, i dont feel like myself anymore somtimes i dont feel anything, i feel like im not here or im a robot.
i have thought maybe im an experiment that got away because i have nearly died 4 times in my life and in each one i got away just.
also if you include my overdose i was in a coma for 2 days but i servived that too.

i dont know maybe its all bullcrap or maybe it isnt, maybe im crazy and maybe their crazy. :)

]]> The phrase i used temporary lost at sea is what i say about myself and my illness, i think it sums up how i feel and how alot of others feel, perfectly.

My name is Jade and im 22yrs old and i live in the UK.
i think im in that period just before you go compleatly schizophrenic, but i feel strongly that i am developing it.

i tried to kill myself when i was 21 an overdose, this was when i started seeing a psyciatrist and a psycologist.
my first diegnoncence was borderline personality disorder back then it made sence.

but these days im thinking its much more.

i hear voices at night, it sounds like im in a crowded room and i just hear many convosations going on and only clealy hear a few words here and there, i also hear my name alot.

i see things move, i see flashes of light, i somtimes hear my thoughts out load like thought broadcasting and i also get thought extraction, ill be thinking somthing and then my thoughts are just gone and i cant remember what i was thinking about.

i also hear noises, like the sound of the door but no one is threre, knocks all over the house, which freaks me out.

eveer since about 3 years ago i have slowly begun to change, my boyfriend sees it and i know it.

my paranoid dullutions take the form of men in white vans beeping at me i see them everywhere and its not just coincidence, its just too many times and too many of them and it happenes nearly all the times i go out.
also i beleive that we have no signal in our home for our mobiles because someoene is tapping into it and recording messeges.

i think as this year goes on things are going to get worse, i dont feel like myself anymore somtimes i dont feel anything, i feel like im not here or im a robot.
i have thought maybe im an experiment that got away because i have nearly died 4 times in my life and in each one i got away just.
also if you include my overdose i was in a coma for 2 days but i servived that too.

i dont know maybe its all bullcrap or maybe it isnt, maybe im crazy and maybe their crazy. :)

]]> Episode #1 Rachel Mon, 08 Feb 2010 05:39:15 +0000 Thursday January 14, 2010
So I need to start documenting my experiences and feelings if I’m going to have any hope of getting better. I seem to not remember or am not able to accurately describe to people what exactly was happening to me during these moments. A few minutes ago, I was sitting in the dining hall when I started feeling extremely agitated. I couldn’t seem to calm myself and I was trying everything – mentally sorting through things that could be stressing me out, asking God, breathing techniques. None of it was helping. It only grew and grew. I felt like the more I tried to eat the more “it” was stabbing my mind. I started to eat furiously, my hands were shaking and I just felt possessed by something. I started to have my delusion again – that I was going to be something great in this world and that is why all the negative forces are surrounding me. They try to attack me or throw me off. Everything I was looking at was starting to have some sort of deeper symbolic meaning – for example: the chains turning on the construction vehicle meant that the wheels were turning in my head and I was on the verge of some breakthrough, yet I felt that my mind was increasingly getting more and more violated by everything I layed eyes on. All the sounds around me seemed to grow so loud and peircing, and they were actually hurting me. Every clash of silverware or steam of a stove were actually sending jolts through me and my body was reacting like I was getting shot or something. I couldn’t focus anymore, my thoughts were racing inside my head and all I knew was that I had to get out of there so I grabbed my stuff and left as soon as I could. The entire walk back I was having a terrorizing feeling that this negativity was always going to be there, that something extremely bad was forming in my brain, or developing – and it wouldn’t go away. I tried quoting the truth will set you free, the truth will set you free – but I didn’t even know the truth. Perhaps this was from God? Perhaps it is an actual problem? Maybe it’s the devil trying to get at me? I couldn’t tell all I knew was that everything I looked at seemed like it was pointing at me. I used to have dreams about this as a child. Terrifying dreams of someone breaking into my room, but all they would do was stare at me then slowly raise their hand and point, then there finger would turn sharp and spikey and begin to grow towards me as their face deformed. Then I would wake up. And this experience felt the same as the dream, that everything was morphing and turning from reality into something else. Every thing I would look at, a car passing, a street sign, a waterfountain, meant something significant at this exact moment in time. It’s as if time stood still and something was on the verge of happening. I felt so out of control, yet I refused to believe that God would allow something like this to so dramatically affect my thinking. After all, He gives us a sound mind and spirit, yet this was intrustive, violating, disrupting, and disturbing. I got to the point where I was on my toes and I felt like every nerve and every brain fiber was on the outside of my body. Everything was having an impact on me. Every noise started to hurt me – not physically, but mentally. My body would respond as if it were being stabbed or shot suddenly whenever a car beeped or a phone rang. I felt like I was going insane and I finally flew into my room and broke down and started crying, then deciding to attempt and type what I experienced…only, AGAIN….finding schizophrenia. That is the third sign this week pertaining to the disorder that I have come in contact with.

What are the odds that I would sit next to the very girl I prayed over 3 months ago in my english class. The very one who’s father I prayed over, since he has schizophrenia. And what are the odds that the girl on the other side of me has a relative that has it and happened to start talking to me about it?? When I didn’t even ask.
I am literally surrounded by this.
Could this be a sign from God that maybe I DO have it?
All I’ve been doing is praying for signs from him and these are all i’ve been getting. Should I continue to ignore this and call it all crazy?? Or not…I can’t tell whether this is reality or whether I am so far from it…Other opinions would kinda be appreciated. Thanks.
Rachel.

]]> Thursday January 14, 2010
So I need to start documenting my experiences and feelings if I’m going to have any hope of getting better. I seem to not remember or am not able to accurately describe to people what exactly was happening to me during these moments. A few minutes ago, I was sitting in the dining hall when I started feeling extremely agitated. I couldn’t seem to calm myself and I was trying everything – mentally sorting through things that could be stressing me out, asking God, breathing techniques. None of it was helping. It only grew and grew. I felt like the more I tried to eat the more “it” was stabbing my mind. I started to eat furiously, my hands were shaking and I just felt possessed by something. I started to have my delusion again – that I was going to be something great in this world and that is why all the negative forces are surrounding me. They try to attack me or throw me off. Everything I was looking at was starting to have some sort of deeper symbolic meaning – for example: the chains turning on the construction vehicle meant that the wheels were turning in my head and I was on the verge of some breakthrough, yet I felt that my mind was increasingly getting more and more violated by everything I layed eyes on. All the sounds around me seemed to grow so loud and peircing, and they were actually hurting me. Every clash of silverware or steam of a stove were actually sending jolts through me and my body was reacting like I was getting shot or something. I couldn’t focus anymore, my thoughts were racing inside my head and all I knew was that I had to get out of there so I grabbed my stuff and left as soon as I could. The entire walk back I was having a terrorizing feeling that this negativity was always going to be there, that something extremely bad was forming in my brain, or developing – and it wouldn’t go away. I tried quoting the truth will set you free, the truth will set you free – but I didn’t even know the truth. Perhaps this was from God? Perhaps it is an actual problem? Maybe it’s the devil trying to get at me? I couldn’t tell all I knew was that everything I looked at seemed like it was pointing at me. I used to have dreams about this as a child. Terrifying dreams of someone breaking into my room, but all they would do was stare at me then slowly raise their hand and point, then there finger would turn sharp and spikey and begin to grow towards me as their face deformed. Then I would wake up. And this experience felt the same as the dream, that everything was morphing and turning from reality into something else. Every thing I would look at, a car passing, a street sign, a waterfountain, meant something significant at this exact moment in time. It’s as if time stood still and something was on the verge of happening. I felt so out of control, yet I refused to believe that God would allow something like this to so dramatically affect my thinking. After all, He gives us a sound mind and spirit, yet this was intrustive, violating, disrupting, and disturbing. I got to the point where I was on my toes and I felt like every nerve and every brain fiber was on the outside of my body. Everything was having an impact on me. Every noise started to hurt me – not physically, but mentally. My body would respond as if it were being stabbed or shot suddenly whenever a car beeped or a phone rang. I felt like I was going insane and I finally flew into my room and broke down and started crying, then deciding to attempt and type what I experienced…only, AGAIN….finding schizophrenia. That is the third sign this week pertaining to the disorder that I have come in contact with.

What are the odds that I would sit next to the very girl I prayed over 3 months ago in my english class. The very one who’s father I prayed over, since he has schizophrenia. And what are the odds that the girl on the other side of me has a relative that has it and happened to start talking to me about it?? When I didn’t even ask.
I am literally surrounded by this.
Could this be a sign from God that maybe I DO have it?
All I’ve been doing is praying for signs from him and these are all i’ve been getting. Should I continue to ignore this and call it all crazy?? Or not…I can’t tell whether this is reality or whether I am so far from it…Other opinions would kinda be appreciated. Thanks.
Rachel.

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