Schizophrenia Diaries

Learning To Fly

Ah, the eccentric, slightly strange but intelligent English guy. Takes coffee not tea and does like a doughnut, but a full English and washing in the rain is something we’ll tackle at a later date! Schizophrenia is my game and writing is something that really is long overdue. Having been blessed for approx 6 years from the age of 20 after living with an alcohol/cannabis induced psychosis and developing into the much-researched state of………… Schizophrenia.

So, I’m 26 and live with me Ma and 2 bro’s. Well, I have a large family to be honest and we all keep in touch quite regularly. I am a volunteer at a local mental hospital and work part-time for a group called Impact, which in itself is an offshoot of the local charity, Beds and Luton Mind.

You see the thing is, I have dealt and still go about my day dealing with common symptoms of this insightful condition, e.g. voices, paranoia, etc, etc – you get the jist.

I would like the opportunity to describe some of what it’s like to cope, plus things I’ve learnt, coping measures, distraction techniques, day to day living and the importance of keeping routine, i.e. the opening of the curtains in the morning for the much needed burst of light to keeping with life situations for distraction maybe.

From Carl, aka the blue frog, the orange badger, the purple penguin, the angry ferret…….”that’s enough Carl,” says Carl, “but oh please can we write some more,” says Carl.

Lol, sorry, thought it was funny. I’ll leave ya now and go back to my coffee or have I maybe had too much, best make it tea then.

Over and out………….. to be continued (hopefully) xx

This is a short email I wrote to a schizophrenic website based in America. They were particularly asking for English service users and while writing it I had a bit of fun. Never had a reply ………. funny that!

Living on the edge

Now I watch the television like you, me, anybody but I do ask myself what is the definition of this well known saying?

On an advert which has been on lately, around the 01/10/07, there is a woman standing there and she is either selling perfume or advertising for some MTV programme on one of their channels. If I see it again I will be sure to write down what it’s for but the advert states:

“Flirtatious, successful, beautiful — living on the edge.”

This kinda troubled me. I have been through a psychosis and now being blessed with schizophrenia, I was of the understanding that living on the edge was something completely different other than the sweeping statement by the television.

Desperation, loneliness, lack of understanding, an iron will, false strength, mis-guidance and the want to be a good person. The carrying out of systematically destroying yourself, your mind and in the end burning all bridges until you can no longer make sense of your life, your goals (if any) and trying to find the desire plus the motivation, to the point where you live and balance on the edge – a knife edge between the life which you can just remember and another completely different from the one you’ve ever experienced.

Is it possible to come back when you’ve been so close?
Is it just a weak mind that finally allows the user to fall of the edge?

Somewhere, somehow, it exists that the user (the instigator of all this pain) wants to punish himself. Taking unnecessary risks with something as fragile as the mind. Find answers no one can give. Not hurting others (intentionally), just afflicting as much pain on yourself until you know longer care whether you could ever make sense of it again.

Madness is close now and as hallucinations start and voices penetrate the silence of your mind, you realise (as you face the darkness inside) you know nothing at all!

Lol am I laughing, no I don’t think so but I would like to be told the definition of being on edge and it explained to me or for it to be told properly, not just thrown into an advert.

Theory on induced pain for relief

I believe many of those who use this method of either cutting, burning, etc make that move as they are fighting there mind and body because they feel numb.

No feeling, no desire but like the systematic destroying of oneself, the wish to punish but also to remind ourselves of what is real and pain lets us know we are alive.

The thing is, there are other ways to perform this ceremony of infliction. Yes, squeezing ice cubes is one I have heard of but here are many more.

You see, one day I may never have this desire to make myself feel some sort of a reaction, so I realised long ago I would never want scars as a constant reminder of a past that was not really mine but to carry out other little strategies that would induce the same effect.

So to clear this up, I have never cut myself. I have, on the other hand, burnt myself amongst other things and it has allowed myself to deal with everyday pressures this life brings.

To feel and come back from no-mans land is the objective.

I always sit in my house without a t-shirt, to feel cool and hot and cold being a real feeling, an element I enjoy feeling life and will often sit there until I must cover up once more.

Clenching my teeth when I go about life. It has to be said I have done this a lot and now suffer constant sensitive teeth due to the fact most of my back molars are literally flat and can hurt from time to time!

Pushing your nails into your fingers until you feel that burst of relief and get through a tricky situation.

What I used to do a lot when I was a kid was tense the muscles in my legs when straight to keep focus, lol.

I now, like I said, wear no top in the house but to feel is the objective. So after sitting there for some time until your chilling your very bones, I’d get in a hot bath until I was sweating man, then I’d get out and lye on the bed with a fan on (laughing) because of the massive pleasure, massive feeling and I felt reality in the form of hot and cold.

A cold shower from a hosepipe in the back garden. Out in the elements- wind – water – earth at your feet can shake you out of current bad feelings, lack of emotion, your distance from a current situation and in some cases for myself, in the past, a voice hearing mood!

It was funny being 16 but let me start at the beginning!

I was born in Bedford on Sat 31st January 1981, the same date as Justin Timberlake I’ll have you know, lol, my only claim to fame.

My earliest memories were of living in Aspley Guise with my family and 2 stepbrothers. I remember them fighting and me hiding inside a cardboard box in the kitchen. I was the oldest in my immediate family and lived there between the ages of 3 to 5. I have only a handful of memories of that place but some, I think, I worth mentioning.

Eating a feast with my Mum, “being naughty” as she put it, on a hot day after the ice cream van had been round was a particularly pleasant one.

Going out on the lorries with my Dad was another – 3 am in the morning putting on my white socks and pulling them up to my knees, purely because we had no central heating and probably because all kids do that.

I remember being really happy sitting next to my Dad while he spoke over the CB radio and watching the road go past. One of the best games was learning all the names of the different lorries and now I still mutter the names of them as they go past, “Scania, Bedford, ah, another Eddie Stobart.” I laugh.

My older step brothers would come along and they were a lot of fun being 10 to 13 years older than me.

Another funny memory would be my brother Steven crawling out of the living room window, trying to escape.

Unluckily for him he still couldn’t walk, and he was only a year old, so his chance of succeeding was slim, and he fell on the patio outside. He was rushed to A&E and after being given the all clear has been trying to escape ever since, always disappearing and worrying everyone to death.

We moved to Cranfield one day before my 5th birthday. It was a council swap and had much better opportunities for schools, play and also Pop’s home village.

I met my best friends here and we’re still friends today, they having a lot to do with helping me back into the community.

Now living at home was good. I mean, I had 3 brothers, 2 half brothers and we were all very close. One stepbrother had started work after school as a bricky and the other was in the process of moving out to his own place.

It could be very scary living at home alot of the time. I was a very imaginative child and night times were filled with monsters and bad dreams. One particular bad dream was being shut in a dark box in a room that was completely black with no room for escape, hearing constant screaming. The other recurring dream was trying to keep this car on the road and keep it straight but to no avail, but both dreams were filled with emotions of loneliness, helplessness, and guilt.

You see, Dad and Mum argued a lot and I remember one evening sitting at the top of the stairs with two of my younger brothers holding me crying while we looked on a disgraceful show of a drunken man trying to control his wife and losing his grip. It was the terror of why and the ticking time bomb that scared us most. Tip toeing around, not being natural and being spoken to like men at the pub was an emotional battle and sometimes a physical one.

Now, I know now my older brothers got it worse than us, Dad then being in his 20’s and probably a little more fiery.

I do remember recently sitting in my Dad’s cottage by the sea him telling me:

“Yeah, I gotta admit I was a little Victorian with you boys,” in a sorry tone. But then becoming angry, getting the point across that all you have to do with children is get ‘em to 18 without being in trouble or making you look bad and then your work’s done.

Now it’s true that in my immediate family we all wore boot sale clothes until we were about 13-14 or until we earned money but my Dad was a good man!

Christmas was always fantastic. Not a single argument or any hint of discipline and more food than you could shake a stick at.

Dad worked unusually hard supporting 6 children and recently I found out that he supported even more for a while.

He worked on the lorries, as a courier and even security at the weekends doing 2 jobs in a week. He liked a drink and a fag and all he asked was absolute respect, strength and to talk honestly and properly. His view of how it should be was excellent, but his methods could be questioned.

Life continued and I was soon 15. Still living in Cranfield and nearly finished school. 1997 and my birthday was celebrated. I’d always wanted to be 16 for some reason. I don’t know, always seemed like a good age to be so I went out and brought my first pack of cigarettes and got my left ear pierced at the local chemist – lol I was a man.

On my estate there were six of us, good friends, also more brothers and family friends. We were what could only be described as the good ol’ boys. Fighting, playing sports and quite partial to the odd game of off-ground tag down the triangle. Our favourite way now to spend a Friday night was getting 4 beers and 10 fags and Friday was yours.

We had some great house parties and we were living man. The other element that surrounded us was the other lads. They were a bit partial to the odd spliff and liked a pill or two, to put it bluntly.

You see, it was a bit of a war, lol. They would come around pushing and intimidating but it was two different conflicts of interest and who hasn’t had to deal with that?

I tell you what. My mates’ brothers were crazy men and evening never finished without someone being tombstoned or beaten until the tears flowed.

Why I’ll never know but my brother and I were never short of a fist or two for each other. The last fight we had was when I was 16, he being 15. Now I really hurt him that day but like the bulldog he is he kept coming back. His left eye was bleeding and I could see the fury of Rocky Balboa in his eyes or maybe it was Van-Damme, it was all we seemed to watch those days and I had to get my Dad to stop it.

Needless to say we’ve never fought since and, no, I’m not scared of him but simply realised that brother’s fight to the death and I was more interested in living with him than fighting. I had met my match and offered my respect!

May 1997 and friends and I were finishing school and dramas were in the air. My Dad had said back in February we were moving to Norfolk – it was his grand plan so I decided not to worry too much about 6th form just yet and see what opportunities Norfolk would bring.

We were meeting a lot of new people and going to parties, some of which were in Flitwick where we met some lovely good time girls. It was around this time I met my first love and my equal.

Aug 1997 the 27th. Just been paid £98 from the Co-op, received my GCSE’s and scored 8 C’s and above. Happy days and the tomb stoning lunatics got us a load of beer to celebrate.

Now, you make your decisions and I’ve made a couple of bad ones and that day was one of them. One of the tomb stoners had brought a car from the local farmer he worked for, for £50, and had been showing it off. After many a beer the idea was sprouted to drive this car which you had to get in via the boot (oh dear!).

My brother and I, a couple of mates got in and to say he drove like a lunatic was an understatement and the 4 bald tyres didn’t help. I’ve never been as scared as I was then. The hopelessness, fear and lack of control – just like my nightmares as a child.

Needless to say crashing was on the agenda and at 85 mph, down Hillgrounds Road in Kempston, we did just that, through a brick wall into someone’s back garden. I remember that after coming round I looked to my right to see tombstone boy covered in blood laughing nervously asking whether I was okay. My brother was in the back screaming so we dragged each other out of the car and got to the other side of the road. People, ambulances and police surrounded us in minutes and I am thankful to all those guys being as efficient as they were that day.
Later, as we tried to sleep at home, Paul told me the reason for screaming was because everything was white (due to brick dust) and he thought he was in heaven, bless him. To say I’m still a nervous passenger to this day would be true and the lack of control and also the lack of common respect for your passenger, scares me!

So, September was nearly over now and it was the start of a new school year, for my brothers anyhow. I, on the other hand, was left with no alternative but to go to work as my £98 from the Co-op was running short. Reality was gripping me and I could feel the cold coming in.

Now a certain guy, and I wont be getting anyone into trouble, had always offered me a spliff and I’d always refused. Now I don’t know whether it was an excuse to myself or just that I finally succumbed to temptation but I took the plunge and decided to fraternise with the enemy. Half a spliff was up for grabs and with that first tug, my life was gonna change forever.

To say I liked it was understatement and not only was the magic leaf a joy to smoke, I was having the best time of my life. I will always say that. The first 6 months of smoking was the funniest time and the fact that I was no longer warring with these other lads was, I thought, a good thing. But like all drugs it was the devil’s trick and it was not meant to last. True, I felt guilty but like all young boys, I thought I knew better and that I could juggle my life. Little did I know that guilt and worry would manifest and kick me up the arse in more ways than I maybe deserved.

I was learning, and for some reason I wanted to find out, what the fascination was with all these drugs and the humour behind them. A lot of the time I felt like a secret agent behind enemy lines in situations that were just not normal and nothing really made sense.

Escapism, sex, jealously, hate, crime, drugs and an ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude was all-new and I was learning. Little did I know I would fall to these elements and it would affect me the way it did.

You see, I was never letting anything in or out and it was only a matter of time before this massive self-control would come crashing down under the influence of alcohol and drugs.

I remember sitting in a friend’s car thinking, “if you do this one more time you aint coming back and if you cross this line you’ll lose your edge and disguise”. Next day repeating this same venture I felt something come over me and I know I’d lost something precious. As to what it was I had no idea!

I won’t go into the descent of those crazy days only that I could not feel love, life and all the things we take for granted. As the bridges were burnt connecting me to my known life and madness took hold, I realised.

“Answers, Is that what I’m looking for? Because here, there are none!”

Insight lessons

1. Detectives

As you all know and I’m sure many of you are aware that you and I have a diagnosis of an illness which, let me remind you, is not life threatening but we must take great precaution and do our best to:

- live with it
- cope with it
- and most of all, understand it!

Insight into ourselves and the knowledge we must learn what we have been blessed with is our greatest weapon, for not only coping and enduring what can seem like a terrible infliction but it will also give us the ability to teach others what we know to those sufferers who do not have the insight many of you possess!

Over the small booklet put together here, we will learn life skills and many, that I’m sure you may already know, but may not fully understand.

We will learn about poisons. Ah now, not your regular, traditional, slip it in his stew when he’s back from the pub late again but everyday poisons ranging from how much caffeine we intake and how it affects us to how much activity we do a day, and I don’t mean burning 2000 calories running a triathlon, I mean general movement!

- For example, some of us smoke, so a gentle walk in the air when we feel up to it makes us breath Oxygen and Smell and feel different sensations and, as you smokers know, we don’t usually smell anything except our cigarettes and the coffee we drink.

- Those of us who like a tot of something in the evening or a cool pint down our local can be a good thing, if not misused because if allowed to remain dominant in one’s life it then goes from friend to foe and is therefore a poison!

- Did I remember to take my vitamins today, which not only can keep away the lurgies but also produce a wonderful feeling of well being and health.

Lesson 1 (sleep)

Good, natural sleep and I mean natural as in not drinking alcohol, no drugs (other than your regular medication) – just falling asleep and getting those 6 to 12 hrs a night is one, if not your greatest, weapon in achieving nearly a certain positive morning over time and with patience and continued regular sleep hopefully a positive day.

We all know the days when we cant wait for the day to be over and praying for sleep to come so that tomorrow may be a better day.

You know the days when you’ve had a positive morning but by afternoon feel drained and tired again. This is good because we are all working within our limits and getting stronger mental health all the time.

Now remember that morning and remember what it took you to get there and realise the next natural night’s sleep you have, you will probably have a similar morning and in the end with good fortune a positive day. That’s a start if nothing else.

Now sleep does not always come, no Sir, I beg you to understand that but it can be achieved by certain things you can do for yourself during your day/evening.

- Drink less water in the evening to avoid those interruptions. Tricky if you take meds which make your mouth dry but sipping can be better than knocking back the pints.
- No alcohol – it will either knock you out leading to unnatural sleep.
Keep you awake leading to interrupted sleep.

Now we are trying to achieve natural sleep and we’re all aware of those lucky few that may have a couple of drinks and sleep but the majority will not!

- Pushing yourself through the day both:

Physically Mentally

Can tire the body and help sleep to come Working within your limits but, over time, try to stay with the situation for as long as possible.
E.g. gardening, walking to the shops, popping to the café E.g. watching tele, reading a book, conversation!

A good start is distraction and wind down. Lots of these get said through the media and other forms of contact but that’s because they are true and do help.

- Leaving coffee/tea and taking decaff after 6/7pm.
- Taking that all important relaxing bath and soak away your troubles.
- Reading a book, as it’s usually our minds that can’t switch off, not our bodies.
- Listening to the radio gently while in bed for distraction and soothing sounds.

Positive mental well being, I am afraid ladies and gentlemen, is a conscious thing and although a lot comes naturally, we have to train ourselves and learn about ourselves to gain insight and understanding into not always why we do things but more importantly what we like and what things can we do through our day to help us achieve what we want. They being:

- Positive well being
- Ability to work maybe
- Understanding and patience with others

E.g. Joe Public

Alcohol

Poison or medicinal – that is the big question

I’ll give you a typical, 7-day cycle before I ever realised what it takes to achieve a positive week. (Over all).

1st day after maybe 8 beers – feeling very down, depressed, like under a black cloud. Feeling no hope.
- Cope using – 3 hot baths
- Early night’s sleep helping to cure myself

2 Depressed but with hope
- 3 baths
- Breaking through
- Looking for a better day

3 Almost level now
- 1 to 2 baths
- Enjoy the day after the recent cloud of depression
- Feeling neither happy or sad (Euthymic)

4 Funny old day
- Spaced out
- Voices Early Night Praying for
- Slight paranoia tomorrow and puzzled as to
- Fuzzy head why it repeats!

5 New day and feeling good
- Really happy
- Positive and fun to be with
- Different outlook

6 Feel unusually well and excited
- Manic feelings of elation and joy
- Annoying for some people. Teasing and childlike
- Looking forward to a beer to calm down
- Finding it’s just the opposite of depression and positive symptoms of schizophrenia

7 Have a beer usually around 7 to 8 but avoiding spirits!

Now I drink no more than twice a week and certainly not 8 pints at a time. I’ve found through experimentation that voices return in strength after 2 to 3 weeks without alcohol so a little for me is medicinal.

Mixing spirits with any form of alcohol is a severe poison and I’ve done it and spent 3 days with depressed symptoms to the point of literally rocking.

- No contact – Hide in the dark – voices attack

You Need

- Natural sleep – Lots of water – good nutrition

Managing your feelings concerning alcohol is a hard job and certainly cannot be achieved if one is drinking more often than not. Taking time out to assess your feelings and views and how they change through the course of alcohol, can help you have understanding and give you insight into what works for you so as to make sure alcohol stays medicinal and not a poison.
Also, we have a moral duty concerned with others when it comes to alcohol. It’s not only our own feelings we must assess but how, in turn, our behaviour makes others feel and how they react to you. We all have a responsibility when it comes to alcohol. To keep good morals and remain calm and polite throughout so as to enjoy it and let it do its good work, i.e. alcohol.

Hopefully through understanding and continued insight we can find what works for us and then lead a confidant, happy life, safe in the knowledge that we know what works for us and those around and close to us.

Caffeine

Poison or medicinal – Is the big question?

Caffeine is a very wide spread and legal drug and make no mistake, it is a drug.

To be found in tea, coffee, paracetamol plus (65mg-caffiene 500mg-paracetemol), pro plus and is in even higher content than regular instant in filter coffee and of the bean, e.g. Starbucks and Espressos.

Now as you know, many people use this stimulant (upper) to give themselves a mental boost and, coupled with a healthy lifestyle and good natural night’s sleep, caffeine will do just this in correct amounts. You can become sharper, more alert; less sedated (particularly effective if on draining medication) and can generally produce a quality day. I personally like a cuppa when I have felt no real emotion for sometime. I mean, we all enjoy the stability our meds give us but neither feeling happy nor sad is draining in its self!

But make no mistake what goes up must come down and without sticking to your regular healthy lifestyle or if you abuse this little critter of a stimulant can lead to exhaustion, edginess, paranoia (I believe), and you can become very aggravated at the gentlest touch.

We all work out what’s good for ourselves over time. Just like alcohol, trying a little at a time, taking time out, working within our limits – Physically and Mentally – leads to insight and understanding and can help you use caffeine as a medicinal drug instead of it being a poison.

These ideas and theories are your weapons to be used by the service user, whoever you are, to their best possible effects to achieve whatever it is in your life you wish to achieve and pursue.

At the end of the day, many of us have an illness and it can rear its ugly head at any time. We have to ensure that when we feel down and life yet again becomes a burden, that it is our illness that has caused this not because we have poisoned ourselves!

Water

Water is the source of all life on this planet. It is the life giving nectar of the gods and lives through us.

- 85% of the brain is made up of water, 60% for the body
- 95% of a lettuce is water

Water is so medicinal, in fact along with your continued good living, will serve you very well indeed.

They say drink 8 litres a day. I say drink as much as possible providing:
1- You’re not going to bed in 10 minutes
2- You’re not going to be in a place without WC facilities anytime soon.

- It flushes your kidneys through
- It cleanses the blood
- When you feel down, drink water
- When you’re thirsty, drink water

Water——Water——-Water

When you go to the toilet and your wee is dark yellow and smelly it means you are dehydrated and you really could do with fluid (water). Oh, and don’t worry about being on the loo all the time, it’s an enjoyable experience anyway and what can be more important than making sure you’re clean and flushed through.

Drink during the day, bits at a time – it will be absorbed more thoroughly this way than the pint for pint method. The pint for pint method is excellent if you’ve had a drink the night before or need water but generally make a pint last an hour.

Switch between water and other refreshments and enjoy – you’ll notice the difference.

Eat more water based products i.e. veg and salad if not drink WATER!

Smoking

Now many of us smoke and it has to be said at times of illness and distress, it comes to great effect.

I know in my case being blessed with schizophrenia and taking anti psychotic medication, the meds work on the same receptors in my brain that the nicotine in my cigarette does.

I have tried to quit but the feelings of panic haunt me and I now believe that I may have less time on this earth if I smoke but at least I’ll be in control and, through luck, they will be happy years.

It has to be said smoking less does help and we all know (us smokers) that if ya let yourself, we could easily get up to 40 to 60 a day, no problem.

What I’m saying is either smoke a very light filtered cigarette and smoke as many as you feel is necessary, or smoke a lot less if you’re smoking either roll-ups or a strong tailor made. All this will ensure is that when you do light up, you will appreciate it even more, therefore gaining as much pleasure from your chosen smoke as possible but as we all know in times of distress, this totally goes out of the window and I would personally would not have it any other way!

If your gonna do it

- Scrub your fingers of all that nicotine
- Brush your teeth
- Wear deodorant
- Dust your home
- Wash and change clothes

Oh, and smoke outside if possible, otherwise
happy smoking!

Activity

Ah, the word we all fear the most. Now don’t get me wrong I’m all up for watching the latest football game on television or switching on to watch the women’s Brazilian Volleyball team do well in the Olympics, but full on sport nowadays is not really my thing. Don’t get me wrong. Not that I can’t see the benefits of all that exercise what with extremely toned legs and a washboard stomach but somehow putting a bet on the football at the weekend seems more my thing.

Now yeah, firstly I’m overweight and I smoke but it’s the journey that got me here that concerns me now, not what I look like now! I, among others, have taken medication that has had the side effect of weight gain and, at one time being acutely unwell, any exercise was completely out of the question, what with voices to deal with every waking second.

Now like I said, I can see the benefit of exercise but what good will a little do for me?

Doing some exercise occasionally, like a gentle workout in an organised group, can be a positive thing even if a little tiring but after coughing my lungs up, then getting my second wind, it was bearable. The thing was the only benefits I could see was that afterwards my cigarette was very pleasurable indeed coupled with the fact lunch was lovely. True, I did feel good due to the natural release of endomorphins the body releases after exercise but going back every Friday was daunting. You know the routine and the travelling and getting up on time and showering after and the (God I’m lazy) fact Jeremy Kyle was on tele……… you get the picture!

So I realized that exercise was not about how much or how long I could hack it at the gym but how much general movement I could achieve through my day!

So:
- Walking to the shop instead of driving was one obvious thing I could do
- Walking to the pub – the furthest, safest one!
- Mowing the lawn every 5+ days ’cause you’re supposed to
- Do it anyway and it’s all good stuff
- Buying a map and trying out those walks and, let’s be honest, most people and places have circular routes to take
- Tying in with buying a map but walk with a friend, a relative or your dog if you’re lucky enough to own one
- Going shopping 1 – Food shopping instead of online
2 – Clothes shopping instead of online
- Washing the car manually instead of the car wash
- Keeping up with the vacuuming and household duties

Being outside I find is very helpful and breathing the air and smelling the different aromas out there. It makes a great change from the stuffy cigarette filled room a lot of us sit in when we’re not well and, true sometimes, we need to but on those good days take action – God loves a tryer.

Movies – Films – Motion Pictures

It has to said, movies make me feel emotion. Transported into a situation that the film represents, and like a shadow I follow the film’s characters around and feel what they feel and can understand what’s going on.

I believe it is important to feel while being heavily medicated and, in my case when acutely unwell and not really suitable for socially mixing, it helped me gain confidence and, yes, learn how people react in social settings. Just taking a little at a time, not copying and I suppose you’re part of something.

On the other hand, it has to be said that we are all responsible for what we put into our minds and I would recommend funny, adventurous and educating films!

For example:

Comedy – Eddie Murphy numbers
- The film “scrooged” at Xmas time as alternative
- Harvey
- Tom Hanks (80s classics)

Education
- Basketball Diaries
- Human traffic – education and comedy
- Some war films

Comedy/Adventure/Action
- Badboys 1 – 2
- Some Bruce Willis
- Beverly Hills Cop
- Lethal Weapon 1/2/3/4

Epics – Lord of the Rings
- Ben Hur
- Braveheart
- Patriot (Mel Gibson)

Dance/Music – Footloose
- Flashdance
- Dirty Dancing
- Blues Brothers

Fantasy
- Starship Troopers
- Willow
- Santa Claus (Xmas)
- Big trouble in little china

Feel good
- Ghost
- Tremors – comedy horror
- Gremlins
- Dragnet

The realisation of the plan

Self-belief is a key factor in becoming well but you find this, amongst other things, in your darkest times.

It was funny, you know, but waking that first morning lying in bed on an acute ward, I realised it’s now or never. If I don’t sort it and do this life properly, I am forsaking all reason, all logic and everything you’ve lost will ever come back. I mean all things go through your mind but the task at hand is to find your way home, through the labyrinths of your mind and hope you are only lost for a little while.

Go back to the start, back to the beginning where it all started. Nay, before that. That’s where I’ll find my peace and the answers I need to complete this recovery.

Sleep with an old teddy, maybe walk old routes, talk with family I’d left behind. Build new bridges and, yes, all in good time, and I think………… I must prove worthy.

Discovery of yourself and gaining long sought recovery and answers is like entering a world of light and joining a club. Once there, the lessons learned through your darkest times should be passed on to your brothers and your friends in need. Keep true to your own morals and never leave a soldier, your brother, your friend and fellow man behind!

Early signs of relapse

- Increased energy
- Rapid digestion (hungry, often)
- No voices maybe or increased voices
- Confusion about whether your theories are right or wrong (believe me, I suffer from this one) ß smiling
- Not knowing yourself in situations

Choice 1 – Check your meds (have I taken them?)

Choice 2 – What poisons have I done?
- sleep – caffeine – alcohol – smoking – diet, etc

Choice 3 – get an early night with a little extra medication if allowed to do this.

Continued symptoms – contact your GP>Psychiatrist>Social Worker or ring emergency numbers.

All situations are different and we all react to different coping strategies and distraction techniques in different ways. Getting to know yourself and how you react to calming measures is just as much our job as it is the professionals’.

Those of us out there who are really suffering need you, the public, to know the difference between a cry for help and a real medical condition. It’s amazing what a little acceptance will do for the confidence of the service user and his/her continued recovery and support. Those who do wrong against the service user, just remember you do more damage than you know and I and we shall leave it down to God to deal with you!!

The only thing I have ever found I could do with a bad day, is work out how I got through it and pass the information on to my fellow man in the hope he/she may find something of use and put it into action in their own lives.

We are all different and every experience is different but I and we have to believe there are similarities between us and basic guidelines for us all to follow.

The Bit Some Of Us Missed

The evolution between boy to man and self rediscovery is a crucial factor between how we see the world (reality, if you like) but, more importantly, how to find the answers we need and yet still remain positive and feel as though the darkness is not setting in, affecting us so we can’t be free.

Boys – teenagers are so self obsessed and full of energy, and to use an example: They will go out at night without fear and any inclination to worry because for them day and night is no different and all possibilities that can be achieved at night are realised.

We all know of the adult who says they love winter. You know, sitting in front of the log fire and shutting the curtains blocking everything out. Now it’s not so much they love the log fire but it’s because it’s dark, scary, cold and they feel the need to block the darkness and cocoon themselves into a different world so all feelings of panic and worries disappear.

The fact is, growing up wondering where all the adults were or why there was not much interest in us is probably because of all the worry, doubt and fear adults carry around with them.

The transition growing up I’ve lost due to ill health is a sad one but I am realising that to be part boy, part man will stand you in best stead to be either. To feel as though you can still go out into the darkness and still walk around on a cold day with just a t-shirt and think, act and create ideas as a free man not a trapped one is definitely the goal.

Rejoice, young man, in your youth for you are free!

My Reality

To keep moving, to keep pushing forward and developing emotionally are the only things guaranteed sometimes.

The evolution of a fragile mind and realisation that what is real is not so much our surroundings but how we feel, accept and emotionally feel about the world around us. It is after we have mastered our the concept that we adopt our surroundings according to our emotional levels, that we can truly feel at home in a safe environment.

It’s personal choice and the fact is we guide each other, influence each other’s decisions, and this is critical to keep ourselves on an acceptable even keel and not be drawn into a world without feeling and without emotion. Keeping with personal choice and remaining an individual is the challenge alongside the emotional battle that is most important.

You know the days of having physically achieved nothing substantial but feeling as though you’ve crossed deserts and climbed mountains.

You’re Testing, You’re Growing, And You’re Discovering.

And learning all the time but feeling a deeper meaning. You take the love around with you!

Parents

Knowing your parents is one of the greatest things you can do and learning from them is a wonderful experience, if a little confusing.

Now every parent has his/her agenda in life and also the way they want to come across to you but, what gets me more is the lack of ability to be able to adapt and change by pushing yourself through current and different situations. I mean, God I love my Mum, bless her but where’s the passion and ability to cope with social situations. My Dad, bless him………… pub man, drinker and lorry driver his whole life but why can he not stand in a queue for longer than 5 minutes. What’s even more disturbing is friends I’ve got, who now at 25, won’t do that!

Putting that aside, surely this is a sign of weakness and inability. It surely can’t be right to simply say, I don’t like this therefore I am not doing it! It is denying yourself the opportunity to feel comfortable in any situation and none of us are but you got to try.

Working it out, discovering better ways and saying to yourself:

“Well that didn’t work, let’s tackle this situation from another angle while keeping true to your beliefs and morals.”

Basically, there is no excuse for not trying and I know we all work and maybe that’s enough, maybe that’s all that is expected. To wake every morning, drink tea and grind through your day, oh, and maybe making pub before dinner’s on the table.

I mean surely that can’t be it but then this is the way I am seeing it and I have not lived recently like the average male but as far as I can work out it’s about growing and adapting!

The next two stories are articles I have written for the Impact Quarterly magazine.

Day centres & services

1 Lets be honest. Day Centres are a base for service users to gain confidence, learn social skills and find love and understanding to face the outside world.

2 Recovery and social inclusion plan, I hope, is not a decoy for those who hold the power to make cut backs in certain areas.

- Do you really think, on the subject of recovery and social, that services users can talk to the community, i.e. Joe Public in, for example, pubs, cafes, about their specific problems. When, as we all know, Joe Public cares little for each other as it is!
- Hospitals are not institutions but a sanctuary for many. Also it has to be noted that once you’ve been in hospital, many do not want to return.
- If closure of wards and a new lack of beds is the new “solution” and Community Mental Health Team is to be the new way then day centres and mental health services in the community is paramount and of the utmost importance.

3 I have been socially included in society for some 6 years now! It has led me to get very well & I have learnt what I need to get on by applying myself in society and beating my demons. As we all know the saddest thing about being acutely unwell is that many forget the essential skills on how to socialise, myself being an example. But 1 – who listens, 2 – who accepts, and 3 – who’s on your side? especially when society is so busy anyway.

My inclusion and recovery, for what it’s worth, continues in Cranfield where 2 generations of my family have lived. Now, they being hard working men and very popular with the regular (working class) people, gave me a network to work with. Also my friends, who have known me since 5+, helped me into this community. Now life isn’t easy with even this much support, being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and all. The thing is I never speak with anyone about my issues in the community, just my dear old Mum and professionals. That includes those at the Day Resource Centre and particular groups that I have attended. Although I was desperate not to be part of the system, I knew it was always smiling at me to welcome me back if ever need be.

Recently, and well for some time, I am constantly asked by Joe Public what I do as referred to work and have been spoken about harshly behind my back. A friend gave warning (I wonder).

Now it doesn’t matter to people that I volunteer and work part time with Impact – all that matters is that I don’t work full time, and how on earth I received an Aragon house to live in?

Now Mr recovery and social inclusions experts.
Here issomeone who has received this much love, been included and through their own perseverance been allowed to develop. Who is now outcast from the general community because of a lack of understanding and a working class attitude.

Now how is a new service user without insight and poorly going to mix, socialise, gain and learn from society the way they need to without access to something as important as a day centre!!
Joe Public

Article 2

I’ve just travelled up to the C.S.A to see my brother, who works the bar on this local university campus in Cranfield.

Sitting here, sipping on my coffee and eating the occasional McCoys crisp (ah, cheap these student bars), it makes me wonder whether there is any more to learn, and anything else to achieve before I can finally feel settled and not feel as though I’m in the line of fire.

You see I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that Joe Public is very paranoid anyway, without me bursting on to the scene, top off, squawking like a chicken in their faces.

My question:
Is everybody acting naturally and feeling safe? Well I know that naturally I’m an idiot and would look like an immature kid if I let it be so, but on the other hand, to be natural is to wear your heart on your sleeve, and those nasty people out there would love a bite.

Feeling safe, mmmmmmm, I wonder. I mean, there’s the occasional look over the pint from student 1 sitting over in the corner and the paranoid girlfriend who thinks everyone wants a bit of her emotionally or physically.

I suppose my urge and constant battle to suppress my true feelings, and act and be as the ideal person, is a struggle in itself. But then we get lost and can’t remember those innocent days of just being an idiot!

My conclusion is to adopt an agenda of self-preservation and shield yourself, but not entirely stop testing yourself. I’ve always been one to think:
“Straight on. Come on Carl… hit it head on, hit it hard.”

The trouble is, as time goes on I am realizing that no matter who you are, or whatever you’ve had to deal with in your life, Joe Public just does not know. Just to sit at home, or like myself right now in a public place, and feel no threat because you offer none is the ultimate goal! To blend in and for people to feel comfortable around you, but yet you still remain an individual, remembering where you come from and living within your limits is the one and only option any of us have got after seeing the Dark.

To experience life you must first become part of it and learn from others because they too are learning from you.
The more you practice being in public situations, I’ve found the more I am beginning to like Joe Public, bless their souls!