Schizophrenia Diaries

I was diagnosed schizophrenic when I was 17, but I did not believe it. For seven years I suffered un-medicated. But my insanity reached its climax in the summer of 2004. I was a pothead, self-medicating. I also had done magic mushrooms a few times as well as a whole slew of other drugs. On July 25 2004 I snapped. I had just watched the movie The Recruit. I decided to apply to work for the C.I.A.. In doing so I had included within a sentence about killing them if they did not hire me. Crazy huh? Well I started freaking out, after all I just threatened to kill the CIA.

For days I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid the feds were gonna come arrest me as an enemy combatant, no habeas corpus thanks to the evil patriot act. I started hearing voices. There were noises in my attic. There was knocking on my front door, with no one there. I saw my shadow at night moving independently of myself like peter pan’s. The tv began talking to me. The radio was playing songs just for me, everything threatening me. I heard people talking about me over a walkie talkie I had. I was watching The Matrix over and over again, as well as X-men 2. I was convinced I was the one, like Neo, like anakin skywalker. A superhuman mutant who could speak to the dead.

One night my tv convinced me that I was to meet with my CIA recruiter finally. I wandered around for hours expecting to meet with Donald Rumsfield. I was walking around in a thick forest with no flash light. I wasn’t sure if he was going to kill me or not. I went back home. Consulted my talking television one more time. This time it told me exactly where to go. I made a run for it. I remember throwing up as I walked to this strangers house. When I reached the rendezvous point the street lamp began flickering on and off rapidly. Then this man across the street lit off some illegal fireworks with a strobe flash too. Bingo, this stranger, this man, was my CIA recruiter.

I walked up to him and joked about the illegal fireworks and he asked me if I was a cop. I joked again that I was indeed a cop winking at him knowingly. He asked to see my badge. Not having one I pulled a 25 cent piece out of my pocket as my badge. He freaked out and told me to get the bleep off his property. I thought he was just testing me. So I refused. He grabbed a baseball bat and once again demanded I leave his property. I stood firm winking at him the whole time. He called the cops

They showed up in force, pointing guns at me. I was arrested for criminal trespass and impersonating a cop. I still was convinced that this was all a test, like in the recruit when they put him in jail to try and break him. Jail, just part of the initiation process to make sure I could keep my mouth shut. And keep my mouth shut is what i did. I didn’t say a word to the cops. I didn’t even speak when they booked me. I was totally non-compliant. I was thrown in a isolation cell for 7 days. It was hell. I refused to go with the program. I was convinced I was the chosen one, after all the voices in jail were telling me that. I believed I was the Manchurian candidate. That I was a robot built by the Chinese, that it was really the year 2500. I was to be the leader of the army of the dead to destroy George W. Bush for his wicked ways. And bring peace to the galaxy. ha ha. I was terrified I thought now that the CIA was evil and were trying to infiltrate the jail and assassinate me, before I could assassinate you know who.

To make a long story short they broke me. I hadn’t slept in almost 10 days. I took the anti-psychotics offered me and was released into a mental hospital where I was there for 3 weeks. It took me a long time to come back down to reality. If anyone is curious what schizophrenia is like just watch the movie EAGLE EYE. That’s what they did to me. Once they choose you, they control you! Thank god in my case that it was all in my head. Thank god for anti-psychotics. I could not live without Seroquel.