Schizophrenia Diaries

How do I tell my parents?

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:42:07 +0000

I think I might have scitzophrenia, when i’m alone I hear voices that are muffled and there is no logical place where they could be coming from, I am also starting to think that people are out to get me. How do I tell my parents or anyone else what is happening it is slightly embarrising and I don’t know what people will say. Does anybody have any ideas or advice that could help me?

Personal struggle with Schizophrenia

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:40:15 +0000

Hi, my name is Shyanne Powell I was born on september, 29 1990, when I was growing up my mom, grandpa, and I had tooken care and helped my granmother who suffered from schitzophrenia and other problems that were physical, I remember waking up every night to remind her to take off her oxegyn before she started smoking her ciggeretts, then in augest 4, 2004 we laid her to rest I was 13 going on 14.

After, I had started the eighth grade alot of things started to change both me and my so called friends but of course the whole time i was growing up i had no real friends who cared but that year is what kicked started everything after my grandmothers death it seemed like and felt like things had changed over night my sucidle thoughts had become worse and I had become paranoid about everything then, there was a night i whould never forget, i had gone over to a so called friends house me and her where thinking about starting a band so we desided to have a sleep over so i went over and once my mom left she asked me if i wanted to get high i said yes of course only because i was peer pressured, that night i went to sleep and was raped, after that it was nothing but halusanations and paranoia.

when i had tured 15 years old i had been idmitted for the first time, i was in and out of hospitles for 3 or 4 years my exsperiances at those places brought me more harm than good all i got was my thoughts and dreams washed away by telling me i whould not make it to graduate high school and i was indangered to be homeless then finally my finnal time in a hospital to one that i had been to seven or more times they had finnaly found the medacine that worked and its name is “clozerail” and once released i was put in a group home but the real test was when i had started school my senier year i had missed my other three years so i was pretty excited although it wasnt a normal school with sports or what not but it was pretty cool with the art classes i got into it but what made me irratated was when my case worker and team was trying to stop me from graduating on time which i did not listen i kept working then my voc rehab specialist tryed to convince my school princabule to have me stop
school for the rest of the year so i could get funding and graduate late , my princable did not go for it she thought it was crule so i continued my work and graduated high school on time with my class,

class of 2009

I always knew he was a bit ‘different’

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:32:54 +0000

A couple of years ago, my older brother was a quiet, shy, not so confident guy. Whenever someone asked me about my brother, I could never quite describe him. I would usually say something along the lines of.. a really nice guy, quiet, smart & a gentle giant. Paul was the quiet angel of our family, whereas I was the moody, screaming teenager.
I don’t mean to talk about him in past tense, like he isn’t here. He well and truly is, at age 24, still living at home with our dad, after my mum made him move out.
In about late 2006, he was diagnosed with Disorganized typed Schizophrenia. A shock to my parents, but not so much to me, as I always knew he was a bit ‘different’.
It all started with him hanging out with a group of friends he was close with since primary school. They had a band and played on weekends, usually at one of their houses. There they drank and I’m assuming smoked a fair bit too from what my brother told me. I never thought my brother would try that stuff, after the way my mother brought us up. She was very disapproving of drugs, I suppose like most parents, and he wasn’t the type to go against what mum had to say, or let her down.
He started becoming very withdrawn from his friends, he was chatting with them on Facebook & Myspace quite a lot, but just stopped, and stopped communicating with them.
This is when it all started.
He started saying really strange things, like ” My friend is plotting things against me” and “Do you think I could take over the world with facebook”, and he would just come out with the strangest things. Mum & I would just get so angry with him because I suppose we didn’t get it.
He started to walk around the house alot. He would just do laps of the house, open every single door and turn the heater up, leave lights on etc. Very very annoying. He also started to have about 5-10 showers a day, all half hour ones too.
He would walk around in a beenie, gloves and jacket on hot days. I knew there was something unnatural going on in his brain to make him act like that, I knew he couldnt help it, but it was just so frustrating. Where did my big brother go?
He would also study maths every day, he said it was because he needed to keep his skills up which he learnt in his Diploma of Engineering. This is definetely a good thing I suppose.
I always thought he was excellent at Math, as he used to teach me. But after recently reading his school reports, he actually had quite low scores in Math. But ask him what 100 minus 23 is and jhe ust wouldnt know, but ask him a really long algebra equation and I bet he would know how to do it. Strange huh?
After about a year of this kind of stuff and seeing counsellors etc, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. Much to our relief, as I could better understand him, and know it was not his fault, but the illness itself.
Mum thought she understood. I know now that she just couldn’t deal with it anymore, so she asked him to move to my dads place, 5 minutes away. I guess it didn’t help that all of this started when mum had anothe rbaby with her partner or 6 years. She was trying to look after two kids at once I suppose. She still sees him once a week or so, but I wish she would care alot more and show him she loves him. I know she does, but I don’t know if he knows that.
So after two years or so, his condition has dramatically improved. He has finally got a job three days a week as a cleaner, something he knows well after working under my mums business. And he is also studying Literacy & Numeracy. I see him once every two weeks or so, but sometimes it can just be draining trying to make conversation and taking the lead in everything. I love my brother, but I just miss the way he used to be. He isn’t the same person anymore, he was my big brother, now I feel like his big sister.

Manifested Visions

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:30:28 +0000

By writing these expierences to you I feel as if I can deal with it better. I’m 17 years old and since the age of 7 or so I have seen things and heard things on a regular basis. But the older I have become the more it seems to plague my thoughts, my dreams, even reality.

It started I believe when I heard a voice from the other side of the room. It was night time and the shadows and light from outside made the figure look tall and lancky. He was shadow standing there in the corner mombling to himself. When I would try to say something he would pull himself into the darkness until the he was silent. This would occur every so often. The odd part was he slowly manifested himself until he wasn’t a shadow but rather a person. He has no face but wears a suit. Sometimes I see him across the street, sometimes outside my house, and he usually liked to be in the corner of my room.
But that’s only one of many things. I have smoked cannabis and hoping it would help me, it backfired and now I’m worse then before. I can feel things in my body, hear people talking and shift into my morbid reality. I have wrote these things down in a journal.

It’s hard to say all of these accounts. Even hard to write them down. Please I hope you know im trying my best to say it.

My dreams are of fire and death, and when I wake up I can people I know through walls like a painting. Voices talking, saying things I don’t want to hear. It’s always quiet before the storm.

personal story of my partner

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:27:50 +0000

i would like to aim this for all the partners and family members who live and share there lifes with the person who has become cruley cursed with SCHIZOPHRENIA.this evil illness is probably one the most challenging trying experiences to all involved,my partner of 8 years is a schizophrenic with personality disorder,when i first meet him i thought id meet the most loviest caring kind man that i could ever meet,he moved in with us after a few weeks and id never been so happy after lots of unhappy years.he was 42 and i 32 with two children aged 4 and 9 to who he was great.It didnt take very long till i started to see strange little stupid things,or he would answer me in a odd way which would confuss me but not him,he was a alcholic but not a drunk,he was allso on antidepresants and had been for alot of years,which i didnt think any thing strange i know lots of people who take them including myself in the past.this one night after about 6 months we went out and he got very drunk after we
got home he began to act very strange and talking and shouting out,but there wasnt anyone with him,when i asked him who he was talking to he bagan crying and acting like a young child,you going to live me if i say,:if you say what i asked,it took him a fews hours of crying and panicing behavior before he said IAM A FUCKING NUTTER you dont know what ive done and i hear voices…….i burst into laughter thinking hes just drunk and mucking about,untill i looked at him i assumed he was laughing aswell,but he wasnt,his face had change and allso his mood and his behavior, naw he was very aggressive angry and very frightning,this was not the person who i knew,i was very scared and started to cry asking him whats the matter,the more fear i showed the more he seemed to become worse with in a few mins he sat down and had a razor in his hands i was petrified i really thought i was going to die,i was so confused id never experienced anything close to this,all i could think to do was talk to
him very softly and loving and i held his hand and told him that i loved him very much and how happy iwas that id meet him and asked him to talk to me and what was going on to why he was acting like this he then began to self harm up his arms quite servere there was blood pouring out every where but he calmly carryed on cutting even though ibegan screaming and begging him to stop,he began rocking backwards and forwards asking me to stab him,he then got up and went into our kithen and picked up a big knife held it sharp point to his stomach and asked me to push it in then grabing my hand and tryed to make me push it into him,oh my god i thought what on earth happening i began shouting and screaming at quite aggresively i guess due to shock some haw i managed to grab the knife of him and he ran of to the bedroom crying.I Grabbed all the knifes in the kitchen and threw them out the window of our secondfloor, flat in a terrible state i wondered what he was doing in there i could hear
him once again talking to himself and crying i didnt have a clue what was going on or what to do or who he was,i went into our room and asked him if he would like a drink as iam having one,hea said yes please he was once again back to the child like ways he was to begin with and feeling very sorry for himself in a very winy manner just the same as a child of 4 would behave he was rocking back and forth with one hand up to face sucking on a few fingers, it was exactly as child.i made our drinks and sat next to him on our bed he still crying sayins sorry over and over again and kept saying that i was going to leave him again,i suggested we got into bed and go to sleep and well chat in the morning,i really was so confused and scared it was the only thing i could think off,and after that vodka was hoping hed pass out as i gave him it practicaly neat with tiny bit of coke.i was planing on sitting up all night or sleeping with one eye open.as he layed down i told him i loved him and he
replied back the same still crying and he said to me{iam going to die any}meaning himself,i sat up quike and asked him what he meant after half hour of asking him he started to fall in and out of conciousness and his eyes were going in the back of his head ibagan screaming and shakeing him shouting at him what has he done,i jumped out of bed and ran to find my phone i ran back to the bedroom round his side as i could only get phone signal by the window,thats when i noticed all the empty packets of tablets by the bed i phoned for a ambulance straight away whichcame within 10 min,at the hospital they gave him a stomach pump which was touch and go he was in a bad way,and i mad it all worse be giving him that huge vodka that he downed in one.As i sat out side that room were he was i didnt know what the hell was going on ithink i was in a state of shock and very emotional sad and confused and on my own i wasnt going to phone my mum and tell her even though i really needed her more than
ever,i know whAT she would say straight away ,and my dad would go mental and wont to kill him,i phoned his long term mate who he was very close to and asked him to come to the hospital as he was in being seen as he was very drunk,and nothing else.he arrived soon after and we began to talk i needed to know what the bloody hell that was all about and told him would he was doing,he was not surprised at all and quite calmly told me that he was a manic deppressive paranoid registered schizophrenic, and sayed i thought you knew…….my stomach and mouth hit the floor then it doomed on me that he could have killed me, and that ive been living with a tidking time tomb and my kids have been around this mad psychopath who was capable of any thing i had very little knowledge of the illness and assumed they were all mental and very dangerous and a liability,haw wrong was i,i left the hospital and went home on my own and broke down i cryed all night very confused angry disgusted with my self
and very mixed up.th e next day the hospital phoned saying he was asking for me,i didnt know what i wonted to do,Iknow what i should have done?thats ran in the opposite direction and never look back,but i couldnt it didnt feel right and that confused more,i had had fallen in love with him and he was Mr perfect,but i didnt really know he is he could have been any one on them.i went to the hopital and asked to speak to a psyciatrist or th main person who new about this,three and half hours of listening to him and a lot of sad shocking truths and how lonely and confusing this illness is to cope with and that its not mad people at all they cannot help it or even aware of it or do they know about the different personalities or behaviour changed they go through,but it was reasuring to hear there was medication to take and a normal life led,I naw had to decide my fourture ahead and if i was able to cope or handle the possibilities that could possibly lay a head ……that was 7 and half
years ago,no its not all been easy and its pushed me way to the limits and on the edge of a break down on more than one occassion.and as for him in that time 8 over doses 9 terrible terrifing episodes of psychosis and a lot of heard ache and hard work and as i write this hes in hospital having been sectioned,but i love him very much and he loves me hes my man who i could never be without and a wonderful kind loving person who adores my daughter…it breaks my heart to see the suffering and fear in his eyes that he must be going through and when the voices are telling him to do bad thing i see the agony and cant even start to think what my darling baby is going through i hate it so much that i cant stop them when he begs so much to make them stop…………..i would do anything at that point to help him

Questioning my own sanity

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:22:49 +0000

firstly i would like to say schizophrenic illness are the sadest trying soul destoying personalitity destroying evil sadistic totally challenging and tests the person who ill and destroys everyone in there everyday life in the family home it takes you way beyond deppression and till u no longer feel human who can no longer understand the basic facts on anything.iam naw at the stage where iam questioningmy own sanity and whats right or wrong i can no longer cope iam over the edge.i know its a medical illness not there fault my boyfreind was born with it it was his genes.just the same as cancer,iwould truthally pick cancer out the 2?he is 49 years old and was sectioned at 15 as he was convinced his mother was trying to kill him through poisoning the cheese as he was obsesed with it and thats all he would eat for long periods of time ,he nevertold any body or wont ed to express any feelings that he thought abnormal he never showed any emotions or saw any in his brothers or sister ,he
came from a large family of 8.10 with mum and dad his dad was a full blown alcoholic with violent moodswings who constantlyplayed about from home, a goodlooking smart womaniserwho carryed on with who ever no respect or consideration for his wife or kids whom he beat upon in drunkon violent beating he mentaly and phsically abused them all on a daily basisa narsty controling monster who gave them nothing but he and his life style had what he wonted.Some days they would have to go down bins another peoples rubbish to eat or had to shoplift due to hunger.to survive they had no clothes that fit them properly nor bought for them my boyfreind who i will call mr x never had a pair of socks on his feet from the day he can remember till he was about 12?WHEN HE FIRST TOLD ME ABOUT HIS UP BRINGING i couldnt relate to there being any truth in any of it as to me thats not normal even though iamaware abuse does happen i couldnt relate to any dad doing that, my wasis wonderful the best in the
worldall ways has been allways will be.i wasvery upset and sad for him and broke down in tears,that must have been awful to grow up like that but mrx when iaskes him why he never ran away or him and his brothers never ganged up on him and made him leave or even told some one like the police or a school teacher he told me it was normal and thought that was like that in every home and that it was ok he never went hungry for longer that 3 days at any one time that was the only issue he kept talking about he couldnt understand why i was so upset by the thought of there suffering and horrible life,he never had xmas presants or clean cloths they had no electric coming in there home which he said was a form of shed there only means of warmth in winter was to burn the remains of so called furniture on a fire when it was all burnt he new there dad beat them all for doing it but he said they were so cold they didnt care at the time,at this stage he said he was about 7 and his mother was never
there and couldnt cope any more and she ran off leaving them all behind,they never went to school or had any friends or any body of there own age to play with everyone avoided the family they were called the mad deprived poor kids who were smelly and strange and not to be trusted around other familys or wonted as the older siblings left home asap one by one they went of on there own way leaving the poor youngest who were mrx and 1 younger brother, mrx went of at 10 and lived on the streets homeless and on his own for 6 years nearly you can imagion the horrific experiences he must of seen gone through and lived daily, i asked him to spare the details as i couldnt listen any more as i was totally and utterly in shock horrified and sickened as a mother myself i cant understand how this happens i felt so sorry for him ,and i was going to love him for ever and ever and create happy loving memories for him and allways be there for him .AS TIME WENT BY THE FIRST 6 MONTH TOGETHERi began
to see odd way s and strange things he would say and he could never have a normal conversation without confusing me to the point id forgot what the question was in the first place never could he give a direct answer, i suppose it due to never having been loved so he was intitlled to be a bit cold or insecure with trusting any one as he didnt know haw.acoupl

Don’t feel myself

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:20:10 +0000

I am diagnosed with schizophrenia. I`m going to try and explain my life since that event where I first started showing symptoms.

Everything is a drone of noise, I feel distorted and unplugged from reality. I don`t feel myself. I ask myself what are these limbs I carry, why are they hard in the centre ? I have lost all interest in life and my goals. I feel like a toppled pawn. MY life has no purpose left. The delusional thinking is killing me and I want to know why thinks work the way they do.

Why did my drunk brother beat me up and my parents did nothing.I think maybe this was the cause of my illness,all the stress and the hits to my skull.

I just want to climb out of my skin I fell uncomfortable trapped inside this human body.I tried to commit suicide and I didn`t realize it.I saw my arms like tentacles they were attacking me and I defended myself.People appear smaller and their heads have shrunk.I have lost my social skills.My emotions are confused and my mind is distorted.I self medicated with weed to help me ,but it only helped for a little while.My character changed and the way I mean and do things.I would walk around the house for hours talking and thinking to myself.I became obsessed with a Band called Pig destroyer.I believed they wrote about my life.I foiled my room believing it will protect me from RF links and EMI so that I cant be controlled.I thought I was an alien and my mission was to observe people and make a report.my parents were my tutorial.I believed everyone can copy my mind and hear my thoughts but I cannot do the same even if I was supposed to.I wrote strange things on my foiled walls.weird things
and pig destroyer lyrics.I carved alien like signs in my arms and burned a symbol in my chest .my mind would run into walls and i would talk funny according to witnesses.I cant remember much anymore but it basicly sucked.I`d forget things and my memory was delayed.I couldn`t meet people and talk to strangers.

I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist and the professor of psychiatry in south africa.I was put onto respirdal and depramil.I don`t know how things will be from now on but it seems a bit better.

The night of the tarot that I heard a voice

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:15:55 +0000

At the age of 22 I was a happy wealthy healthy girl in a 3 year relationship which ended after nine years. At 22 I was making 400 to 800 per day. I was gEtting tattoos, concert tickets, and new cars. I was truly in love. We had evolved past a death and an abortion which lead to greater financial freedom. At that time we had my boyfriend’s best friend living with us and it felt like a good situation.

I was raised with the option to study the metaphysical. And I did from age 13 to 22. I had 3 tarot decks which I didn’t use much. One night, I decided to open up a deck and read into my roommate and his girl friends life. It blatantly said she was pregnant and 2 days later we found out she was. It was the night of the tarot that I heard a voice. It seemed calming and had a lot to say which I wrote down to the best of my abilities. After the first night it got hard to accept and believed it was all spiritual. It was a womans voice and I thought it was an angel. Its when it said I can help you drive that I felt crazy. And the voice did drive me to feeling extremely anxious. No one knew at this time. It got to the point of me feeling violated. Nothing would ever be the same.

Delusional Disorder

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:12:54 +0000

In March 2009 I was diagnosed with Delusional Disorder- a relatively new classification subsumed under the general classification of Paranoid Schizophrenia until the advent of DSMIII-r in 1987.

I am afflicted by delusions and hallucinations. I believe that some kind of a device or power opens up my thoughts to the public so that everyone can know what I’m thinking or feeling. This is particularly problematic in crowds, when everyone is staring at me and whispering about me. Frustratingly, while the crowd all know what I’m thinking, I have no idea what they are thinking or saying.

I hear strange voices, especially in crowds, directing derogatory expletives at me.

I am also bothered by the appearance of shadowy bugs crawling all over my walls. But when I jump after them to squash them they are always gone, or they were never there to begin with.

Bizarre and obnoxious odors plague me often. One smell I can best describe as the stench of an old man’s dirty dentures. Another is like burning rat excrement. Another is a sweet chemical smell.

Some times there is a very frightening sound in my house. When my family is not home I hear what sounds like soldiers marching in the upper story. When I go up to investigate I can never find them.

All of this came upon me gradually from early adulthood. It all escaped diagnosis until I was 52 years old. I had always just thought I was different and strange. I have never liked crowds. I have never had close friends. I crave silence and isolation. I pretty much stay in my home and listen to music, which masks and covers the voices and sounds. I am on Risperidone. citalopram, and bupropion. These medications have helped significantly, but not cured the problem.

It always starts off with 3 clouds

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:11:22 +0000

My name is John Joseph Walsh the third. I live in New York City. This city that never sleeps. And I don’t sleep. And it sucks. I spend my time studying and researching different things on the internet. I’ve been constantly studying different forms of martial arts. When the sun is out me and my friends will go to the park and beat the shit out of each other until we’re sore and tired. Sometimes I go for so long I can even fall asleep. It’s painful and therapeutic and wonderful but it also makes me angrier then I already am. And I’m a very angry person. Sometime I get so over whelmed by my emotions that I retract into this place in my head and i space out and draw pictures of my thought. The image that always comes out is cartoon like and obscure. It always starts off with 3 clouds. These 3 clouds always have different facial expressions and there is one giant lightning bolt erupting from the center cloud. On top of the clouds is a giant snowy mountain. Sometimes the mountain has
different monsters crawling on them. On the top of this mountain is a gothic castle. There is two stone pillars on the sides of the building and a giant wooden door in the middle of the castle. on top of the castle is a giant pointy watch tower. Within this watch tower is a circle table and at this table are 8 different demons that control my mind. Over the castle is a fool moon with a face that laughs at me constantly. These demons control everything I do and sometimes when I’m under the influence I scream and have fits about them and I trash around and break and hurt people. I’d say this is a problem but quite frankly I love it.