Schizophrenia Diaries

July 07 04

4PM; Last night was a blast. I was sober at a drinkemup joint. I simply had the time of my life.

July 09 04

6PM; Last night I forgot to take my night dose. This morning I was tripping. This after noon, I was hearing voices. Now I am not sure whether to “eat this” “drink that” as in Alice in Wonderland.

July 10 04

1PM; I just woke up. I’m feeling better than yesterday. Not tripping or voices. However; I do have a sense of detachment.

7PM; I am starting to feel lousy again. Every imaginable hallucination is going on. I’m pretty darn frustrated.

July 11 04

3:30PM; I’m a little panicky. I don’t feel like going outside.

5PM; I would kill for a egg-salad sandwhich I don’t know why. I could just taste it.

July 13 04

2PM; I helped Dad w/ the guitar room. I’m having Anxiety for the most part of my consciousness.

July 14 04 (Blood is on this page of the notebook)

2PM; I am feeling nauseous and tired. Axel woke me up at 5:30AM, and I could not get back to sleep.

July 15 04

5PM; I just finished talking with Dr. Charles we talked about parenting skills.

July 16 04

6:30PM; I’m feeling pretty good. The only complaint is Akathesia and tremors in my arms and legs from the Haldol.

10PM; I am alone again for another weekend night. I just want to go out and meet women.

July 17 04

1PM; I forgot my night dose this made me anxious, paranoid, and confused this morning. I am currently helping Dad clean the barn and garage.

5PM; We are about to eat steak for dinner. I hope my 5PM dose kicks in soon, for I am edgy and hungry.

July 19 04

7:30PM; I helped Dad clean the barn. I have 2 more days to go. I hallucinated all day , so I’m taking the fourth dose today.

July 20 04

5PM; Todays been one of those “simply great” days. I am staying w/ my diet. This makes me feel better (less psychotic)

July 22 04

8PM; I am having and had been having jerks in my arms and legs. Called Dr. Anders and he didn’t know what was causing it so he upped me 1 blue that is 4x a day Klonopin.

July 23 04

6PM; I am doing a lot better today. No hallucinations anxiety/panic attacks. I am feeling quite well.

July 24 04

5PM; Today is another good day. Since Dr. Anders raised Klonopin to 4mg a day.

July 26 04

11:30AM; Roger called last night and wanted to remain in Florida. This hurt me more than any wound I have ever had.

11:50PM; I still can’t believe Roger. You raise up your children the best you can. Sometimes you really fuck up somewhere, and you don’t even know what where it is.

July 27 04

1PM; I awaiting Dr. Charles phone call back Boy do I ever need to talk to him.

4PM; Dr. Charles said I’ll have to deal with a lot of paperwork.

July 28 04

4PM; I am still feeling as though I were in shock due to Roger choosing to live with Maria.

July 29 04

3PM; I am feeling better due to the fact that I am rested and clear of Mind.

7PM; I’m feeling confused about Roger’s leaving me. I’m a good father!

July 30 04

3PM; I have too much energy. It’s difficult to stop my hands and legs from moving. I sincerely hope that Dr. Anders takes me down off this Haldol soon.

July 31 04

1PM; Last night I took the extra Clonazepam and I had no problems with my hands, arms , feet , and legs. In fact I am having only mild symptoms today. I still want off the Haldol.

August 01 04

10PM; Today went quite quickly. Jim said he would have me work for him when I got back from NC.

August 08 04

7:30PM; My nerves and sinus infection caused me to throw up earlier. Now I feel better and am relaxed and tired.

VACATION AT OUTER BANKS

August 27 04

2PM; I’m feeling detached and a little trippy. It’s almost like using marijuana.

August 28 04

1:30PM; I just finished my morning rituals of good fortune. I hope to have a good day with god in my heart.

August 29 04

2PM; I’m feeling a little schizo today. I’m not sure if people are talking to me or not. It’s confusing I’m also feeling down. I slept 14 hours last night and am still tired.

August 30 04

1PM; I slept 14 hours last night. I’m feeling slightly depressed. Last night I ate an enormous amount of popcorn during a lousy movie.

9PM; I’m feeling down and apathetic. I think that I will just go to bed and watch T.V.

10PM; My ears are ringing. I don’t know why. Watching TV is impossible.

September 01 04

7PM; I am trying to concentrate and am having been this way all day. I am going to take it easy and kick back and try to let the coffee work.

September 02 04

11:30AM; I am bright awake since 7:30AM this morning. I have no indicators of hallucinatory action.

1PM; I have been on the “upside” of normal all day long. Right now, I feel almost manic.

September 03 04

4PM; Today has been fantastic. I feel real good after sleeping till 12:30PM

September 04 04

1PM; Everyone except me went to West Side Market.

3:30PM; Everyone came back from WSM I’m feeling a little apathetic right now.

5PM; That cup of coffee has given me a lot of energy. I feel like going out and doing something. What can I do? The answer is an evasive thought.

September 05 04

6PM; I watched Brandon and Kevins ’ hockey game in which they beat the other team 5-1. Now I’m very anxious because of the potent coffee I had during the game. This is precisely why I prefer to drink instant more than brewed coffee. Less caffeine.

10PM; I am becoming less and less tolerable of having to say “NOW” to Buddy to get him to get up. I’m never having this much caffeine again!

September 06 04

12PM; I just woke up and feel lousy. Last night’s sleep was nonexistent. I had to keep going up and down the stairs. Only audible hallucinations were present and they were confusing me. It was like every outlet in the house was connected to my head (brain).

4:30PM I’ve come down and am feeling somewhat depressed.

September 07 04

4PM; I am feeling sort of edgy right now. I am going to take it easy today.

September 08 04

6PM; I’m out of control of my agitation, depression, and hallucinations. I fucking want relief now!!!

10PM; I took an extra Haloperidol and Clonazepam feeling much better.

September 09 04

8AM; Dr. Anders just called and made changes to my medicine. He raised the Haldol to 3 10mg a day and he raised the Welbutrin to 300mg a day.

7PM; Jonie just cut my hair. Maybe now I’ll stop pulling it out. I’ve had trichotolomania since I was 2 years old.

September 11 04

11AM; Roger called me and told me that he’d passed his written part of his driver’s permit. Boy.

2PM; I’m somewhat apprehensive about today. I have that feeling that somethings wrong with everything. It’s that sinking feeling you get in your gut that says your Doomed.

September 12 04

1PM; I feel better, except for my sinus infection. It makes my face hurt and my body sweaty.

4PM; Today has been a good day for me. I’m really back with it. No hallucinations. No anxiety or depression evident.

September 14 04

8PM; I am very sick w/ a sinus infection. I just keep sweating and sweating. I think that the pseudafed that I am taking is messing with my head. My heart is beating fast, and I am very anxious. Dr. Anders said this might happen.

1PM; I’m more relaxed and only suffer pain in my sinuses and the sweats.

September 15 04

7PM; I’ve just returned from the Springfield “dog pound”. Buddy went astray while we were riding on the Gator up the street. I’m so glad he wasn’t hit by a car.

September 16 04

5:30PM; My sinuses still hurt. I had both visual and audible hallucinations today.

September 17 04

3PM; Roger just called and told me that he’s going to a keg party tonight. Now I’m worried.

3:30PM; I called Maria’s cell and told her about Roger ’s plans.

3:40PM; Roger called me and told me to tell Maria that “he was just joking”

September 19 04

2PM; Wake up just now. I am feeling really paranoid.

2:30PM; Gma Jones has just slipped into a coma.

3PM; I visited Gma; Everyone is crying or upset there. I have to go home. I can’t take this much bad karma.

5PM; I’m finally home. I’m going to rest.

8PM; After getting some rest, I felt , and even now feel great.

September 22 04

4PM; I’m home from taking Dad to Walmart. Now, I must work out to combat the anxiety I’m feeling. I had 6 cups of coffee today. This is the cause of my anxiety. I’m too full of jitters, and I want to get rid of them.

5PM; I worked out pretty hard, but didn’t get rid of the anxiety and the jitters.

8PM; I took 2 extra Haloperidol. (10mgs a piece) and now feel more even keel.

September 24 04

3PM; I really got a lot of stuff done this afternoon. I’m proud of changing the wheel with my Dad.

6PM; Done odd jobs around the house, pool and backyard. Mom wanted me to sweep the driveway. I came inside. I had done enough!

September 25 04

8AM; I just woke up and took a shower. Feeling well.

2PM; Feeling better than going somewhere and listening to my Mom and Dad fighting at 1PM today.

5PM; I keep hearing people calling to me or just talking to me.

September 26 04

1PM; After clearing my lungs and sinuses, I now feel better. Mom seems to be in a better mood. It’s a shame that yesterday had to happen.

4PM; I feel as though I am coming down with a cold. I have the chills that often accompany a virus.

September 27 04

12PM; I kept hearing voices in the shower. Once I got done showering, the voices stopped. I really hate taking showers.

9PM; After a long day of hearing voices, I have finally taken an extra Haldol 10mg tablet. I hope tonight will be silent because I’m at my limit of my wits.

11:30PM; By this time I had to take an additional 10mgs of Haldol. I feel like worms are crawling through my muscles and are causing a great deal of pain.

September 28 04

1PM; My outlook for today is much brighter, since I’m going to take 30mg of Haldol instead of 25mg of Haldol. There seems to be a threshold level where 25 won’t do it and 30mg will.

5PM; I am free of any hallucinations, but I feel medicated.

7PM; I still feel medicated, but it’s better than Leprechauns and voices.

September 29 04

1PM; I’ve got the general stuffy head and dry mouth from Haldol at a high dose. These side-effects are bothersome but at least I’m not hallucinating.

9PM; My ears are ringing and I hurt all over. I have to wait until 10PM dose for these illusions to wash away.

September 30 04

4PM; I snapped a muscle in my back and went up to the office since it hurt to breathe. I took a Flexeril and it fucked me all up. Now, I must decide between mental clarity and psychical pain. The one odd thing is that physical pain doesn’t hurt like the shear anguish of anxiety, depression, or flames burning you in your mind.

October 01 04

7AM; The Flexeril tore my stomach up all night. Now, all I want to do is sleep, but I can’t. I feel the anxiety well up inside me.

9:30AM; I took my meds. I’m starting to feel a release of negative energy and a filling up of positive energy.

October 02 04

8PM; I’m a little bit “blah” today. No real motivation for anything.

October 03 04

1PM; I’m having a good day so far in spite of the general lack of sleep.

6:30PM; I’m feeling sleepy despite the coffee I just drank.

7PM; I’m seeing faces form in the air and then talking about different aspects of my life.

October 04 04

7PM; I’ve been hallucinating all day. Dad noticed the inability to maintain a single thought, and me apparently talking too much to Buddy my dog as if he was talking back.

10PM; Well there sure are a lot of hallucinations one could get. It’s the VD of the brain. All senses are overloaded to the point of nonsense.

October 05 04

3PM; I finally slept. No sign of hallucinations; visual auditory or body given. I feel well rested and secure.

October 06 04

2PM; Dad, Mom and Brian went to go to look at another house. I’m feeling a little trippy today.

5PM; Hearing multiple voices, It’s deafening.

7PM; Took 10mg Haldol. Now able to interact with others.

9PM; A little trippy that’s all. Feeling hungry for some food.

October 07 04

3PM; I’m having a good day so far today.

October 09 04

3PM; Everything besides generalized anxiety is apparently under control.

October 11 04

5PM; My arm and shoulder are full of agonizing pain. I have a generalized anxiety that is peaking now.

October 23 04

2PM; I slept as much as I could for lots of dreams means less hallucinations.

4PM; I am having a touch and go day few hallucinations and a lot of anxiety.

October 24 04

5PM; I’ve been hallucinating steadily since last night, I took extra Haldol to combat this However, it’s not helping too much.

9PM; I’m hallucinating terribly. I just can’t stand it anymore.

October 25 04

3PM; This is starting out the same way it did yesterday, so I called into Dr. Anders I’m awaiting his call return.

4:30PM; Dr. Anders said to give the extra Haldol time to work. He also told me to not look into mirrors and take an extra Clonazepam, since this could be a manifestation of anxiety.

October 26 04

1PM; I am feeling much better today.

October 28 04

12PM; I am well rested and the Haldol is in gear. Today seems to be starting off well. I have very little anxiety and no hallucinations. I truly wish that every day starts like this.

October 29 04

1PM; I had a rough night of sleep. However; I’m feeling great in all respects.

October 30 04

2PM; Anxiety is the only problem today. I just got my SSI Check and I will only have $50 to spend.

November 04 04

4PM; It looks as though I’m going to have to pay for my Clonazepam, since I took an extra pill for 2 weeks. This is because of multiple anxiety attacks, probably caused by too much coffee.

9PM; I’m the only one home. Every noise in the house is magnified by ensuing silence.

November 05 04

4PM; Feeling a relaxed “speed-up” in my system. Part of this could be anxiety about Dad’s malpractice case against, Summa, for what they did to Dad, I hope he bleeds them dry!

November 06 04

2PM; I wasn’t able to get any sleep last night because of brachial plexus pain running down my left arm. In spite of this, I feel calm, cool and collected. There seems to be no pre-hallucinatory or pre-anxiety signs. Therefore; I am lucky to have such a nice day.

11:30PM; Today is perfect except my pain. I just hope I can sleep.

November 08 04

1PM; I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety now. I am going to see DomDera about a sinus infection and pain running from my neck down to my fingers.

5PM; I’m feeling less anxiety. I don’t know why. I’m now adding vicodin HP’s and Doxycyclene BID to my list of medicines.

November 09 04

3PM; I just finished watching a movie. I think to myself; I really appreciate a painfree restful sleep last night. It lifts the point that “There is a God”

5PM; I just got called another God Damned Medicaid recipient by a pharmacist at Marc’s in Fairlawn, OH (330) 869-0426. I will not forget this.

November 16 04

4PM; I’m hallucinating that I’m in Ireland. The date is unknown for there are no structures architecturally find the time.

November 17 04

2PM; I slept like a baby last night. It was probably due to the fact that hallucinating just wore me out. I feel great so far today.

November 18 04

7PM; Today I functioned really well. I drove into downtown area and did a little shopping with Dad. I temporarily lost my cell phone and took all my meds on time.

9PM; I called Roger and he was tired so I told him I’d call tomorrow. I called Jeff, but he was still working. I wanted to apologize for having audible hallucinations while talking to him on the phone on Tuesday.

November 19 04

2PM; Another trippy day for me to try to keep this book going.

3PM; I’m not leaving the house today or tonight for I feel that I may hallucinate.

8PM; I’m feeling detached and my ears are picking up voices. I’m taking Haloperidol 20mg to thwart a full blown Pyschotic Break.

9PM; The Haldol addition really helped, so now I’m going to enjoy the rest of the night.

November 20 04

2PM; Feeling good in all respects.

11PM; Today has been a good day. Earlier I had to take 1 Haldol 10mg, but that helped out more than any thing else.

November 21 04

6PM; Today has been excellent with the exception of severe pain in my left shoulder, upper arm, elbow, and hand.

November 22 04

(Did not sleep last Night!)

10AM; Saw Demdora and pondered the possibility of a rotor-cuff problem along with the Brachial Plexis problem.

2PM; At MRI place MRI went well

6PM; Having Salmon Broiled and Cole Slaw.

7PM; Pain is subsiding due to percacet.

November 23 04

1PM; I’m a little trippy today. I think that I’d better take an extra 10mg of Haldol before I hallucinate.

November 25 04

2:45PM; Day starts out okay. However I have been hallucinating since I woke up. I am presently going to get 10mg of Haloperidol to achieve some sanity.

November 26 04

12PM; I woke up earlier than usual. I’m feeling charged up from a good night’s sleep. My anxiety is low, hallucinatory threshold is very high.

November 27 04

11AM; Just woke up feeling sketchy at best.

2PM; Took 2 extra Haloperidols. I hope this will take effect soon.

3PM; The Haloperidol are starting to work. It’s only a matter of time that I have of suffering. Then, I can enjoy watching the Army/Navy game.

November 28 04

1PM; My day starts out pecularly. It’s like being in the “Twilight Zone”. Everything is here yet nothing is here.

2PM; Feeling O.k. Mom is going to give me $8.00 to go to a movie tonight with Nicky. I’m not hallucinating today and I feel moderate anxiety.

November 30 04

I put in a call to Dr. Anders. He called back I explained that I needed 4mg/day vs 3mg/day that I was taking presently. He saw what I was trying to say, and he said he’d call in the prescription.

December 02 04

4PM; I have been sleeping better with taking 4mg of Klonopin. Today I didn’t wake up till 1PM. I feel no signs of hallucinations or anxiety or apathy. My mood is good and my outlook on life is much better. I am living not just existing!

December 03 04

4PM; Slept in till noon. Feeling sedated today. No complaints except feeling tired. No anxiety, no hallucinations.

December 04 04

3PM; Feeling comparatively well. The only problem is anxiety today. I feel as nervous as a pregnant Nun.

7PM; Feeling scared like impending DOOM. This is when being schizophrenic, really sucks.

December 05 04

10PM; This had to be the most boring day I’ve ever had.

December 08 04

3PM; Feeling anxious and nervous. I wonder why I’m losing weight so fast. When I’m taking in more calories on this Diet: Cheating.

11PM; My nerves are under control. I think that the pain to my injury was driving the anxiety. I even have puked because of severe pain in my arm, shoulder, and neck.

December 10 04

5PM; Everything is going well except for the occasional break-through hallucination. I only had 2 today.

11PM; I’m feeling blue. I’ve had very little energy and am currently in a lot of pain.

December 11 04

1PM; Yesterday, I went back to 300mg/day of Wellbutrin. I was able to sleep well and long. I feel rested. I don’t know whats in store for me today, for I just woke up.

7PM; I hope to have a good evening playing video games with my favorite cousin.

December 12 04

11PM; Today was very much better than yesterday, with 1 exception. I fell down the stairs from the top step backwards.

December 13 04

2PM; I’m in a lot of pain from yesterday’s fall. I think that the pain is driving my anxiety.

7PM; Feeling stable. No special problems except pain in the left arm shoulder and neck. I smell like an add for Ben Gay.

December 14 04

2PM; I’m hallucinating candle lights without the candles. Everything is beautiful and the colors smell like candy.

5PM; I feel great! My pain is still there, boy emotions affect is high. I took 10mg of Haloperidol, and it stopped my hallucinating within an hour.

December 16 04

10AM; I woke up at 5AM this morning in a lot of PAIN! I really hope I don’t puke from the pain today. The pain in my arm is unbearable. It is driving my hallucinations, and made me puke 4x yesterday.

5PM; Today went rather well. I laid down for several hours and took a percocette to tackle the pain issue. I’ve had no hallucinations since 12PM. I’m going over my cousin’s house to play video games tonight.

December 17 04

12PM; Ate breakfast took meds, feeling great got 8hrs sleep last night.

December 19 04

5PM; Took pain medicine Percocetts Feeling good. Anxiety normal. No hallucinations.

December 20 04

8PM; My son just called from St. Petersburg, FL, and said that his plane will be 15 minutes early into Cleveland. My anxiety level is skyrocketed. I am seeing little stars everywhere.

December 22 04

3PM; My entire family is out X-mas shopping. I can’t and won’t go because large groups of people really freak me out. So, I’m staying home with my dog, Buddy, and playing video games.

9:30PM; Today has been uneventful for the most part. I feel relaxed and detached. I hope that I don’t start hallucinating tonight.

11PM; Did not hallucinate tonight.

December 23 04

1PM; I’m very tired today. I slept to 11:45 AM 12 hours of sleep is just too damn much sleep. It leaves me tired and apathetic towards life.

4PM; I feel agitated and apathetic in general. I have to put on a good show for Roger. I don’t want to ruin my only child’s Christmas.

December 24 04

8PM; Christmas eve celebration at Jeremy’s went well despite hallucinations. Anxiety manifested as the “Runs” didn’t stop me.

December 25 04

7AM; 3 Leprechauns would not leave me alone, so I woke up Dad to talk to me. Dad was reassuring. Took extra Haldol 10mg.

2PM; Went to Emily’s house to celebrate X-mas.

8PM; Returned home with Megan and Roger.

December 26 04

1PM; Just woke up. Feeling anxious, but not in hallucinatory state.

2PM; Medicine working. No anxiety, no other symptoms. I need to take a shower. My hair is all messed up. I might go to the Mall with Roger.

6PM; All alone in the house. Bored. Looking for things to do. T.V. isn’t that bad of an idea.

December 27 04

2PM; I am hallucinating again, a lot of anxiety. Shit anyone who hallucinates gets scared. It is not a fun thing, and to think people take drugs to get this way.

December 28 04

2PM; Amazingly I have no symptoms today. I feel rested. I feel calm, cool, and collected.

9PM; For some reason, I feel all sped up. I hope I can sleep tonight

11PM; Still Sped up.

December 29 04

1:30AM; I still feel as though I am on speed.

5AM; Still no sleep.

3PM; Took 2 hr nap feeling sped up again.

8PM; All I feel like doing is going to sleep!

December 30 04

11AM; I’m awake and rested from a long night’s sleep. I don’t feel sped up or full of symptoms.

December 31 04

1:30AM; I got a call from my cousin. I had forgotten to take my night dose, so I am taking it now.

3PM; I feel a lot of stress today. I hope I don’t hallucinate.

4PM; Took evening dose + extra 10mg of Haloperidol.

January 01 05

8AM; I slept real well. Hallucinating moderately, I think these will go away, once the Abilify and the Haldol take effect.

6PM; Anxiety high, took extra Haldol so I won’t hallucinate.

January 03 04

4PM; Well; Roger is preparing to leave tomorrow about 2PM. I feel bumed out that I could not get him what I’d promised him. However; we all should be happy that Christ was given to us/ gave himself to us.

10PM; Mom, Roger, Nicky, and I went out for dinner at Outback’s and saw National Treasure at Regal Cinemas. Both Dinner and movie were great. I now feel a bit detached. May be sensory overload.

January 04 05

11AM; Feeling good in all respects.

7PM; Roger just call on to say he had a very good flight, and that he was safe! “feeling down” I miss Roger very much.

January 05 05

2PM; I feel a little down and out.

3PM; I get to see Dr. Charles now. Boy do I have a lot to talk about.

5PM; Dr. Charles was very insightful about my worries. I am fortunate to have such a good Pyschologist.

January 06 05

6PM; I’ve been up since 5:15AM Today was filled with anticipation of what I don’t know. No hallucinations. A lot of anxiety, a little bit scatterbrained.

January 07 05

8PM; I’ve felt scatterbrained all day. Writing this is almost impossible.

January 08 05

7PM; I’ve felt more lucid in thought all day.

January 09 05

12PM; I’m feeling enthusiastic about today. I mostly symptom free.

3PM; Still feeling well. W/ the exception of anxiety. Anxiety is mostly due to my disappointment with Roger.

January 10 05

2PM; Feeling tense but all other types of symptoms aren’t here.

January 11 05

8PM; I’m really tripping. I must take more Haldol 10mg… 20 minutes… I took it and am starting to clear up.

11PM; Feeling extra crispy. Sorta like depression/apathy.

February 16 05

7PM; I made another stupid mistake today on my cell. Sometiems I over use my cell minutes

February 17 05

(Stayed all day in bed sick)

February 18 05

6PM; Just came back from outside for ½ hr. Looking for Molly the dog. We have about 5in. of snow and we have a wind chill of 0 degrees F, so I am tired. Had my morning hallucinations. Am presently aware of my consciousness, and

February 19 05

This morning I hallucinated about Gma Caldwell (deceased) Gma Jones (about to kick it) and Mom. They were all asking me to help them.

4PM; I’m still hearing voices and am sick and tired of it.

February 21 05

9PM; At 4PM I saw Dr. Anders and he increased my Haldol to a total of 35mg/day. I was only taking 20mg a day before the increase.

February 22 05

3PM; I hallucinated until 2PM and they went away. The increase in Haldol has not taken effect yet. This means another fuckign day of waiting. However, I do not feel as detached as yesterday.

7PM; Feeling much better with hallucinations. However, detached and full of anticipatory anxiety.

February 23 05

2PM; Anxiety and hallucinations are non-existant today. I am feeling a warm sensation throughout my mind and body.

February 24 05

4PM; No Hallucinations moderate anxiety. An overall good day.

February 25 05

12PM; Having voices in the AM tapered off with noon dose of meds.

February 26 05

2PM; Feeling drowsy today. No hallucinations very little anxiety not worth mentioning. Staying in room.

4PM; I’m relaxed yet alert. My thought patterns are goofy, but this isn’t going to keep me in my room for long. I am going to go out as soon as cousin Larry comes over.

February 27 05

8PM; It’s been a long good day no hallucinations lots of AM anxiety.

February 28 05

6PM; I woke up at 1PM and felt dizzy. I have felt this way all day. Even now I feel light-headed and dizzy. I don’t feel anxiety or hallucinogenic.

March 02 05

5PM; Today has been a difficult day to say the least. No hallucinations, but there has been a lot of anxiety attacks.

March 04 05

7PM; I have been symptom-free for 2 days now.

March 05 05

7PM; Anxiety and Apathy are my main enemies today. I have a real low anxiety threshold and All I’ve wanted to do today is to lay in bed and shut the world out.

March 09 05

10AM; I am doing a lot better than the 7th and 8th where I was hallucinating my ass off. Today at least this morning I feel invigorated and ready to take on the day.

5PM; Just like yesterday I am now actively hallucinating. I am seeing sound and hearing colors. There are a myriad of smells.

(This gap in diary was due to misplacing it and not being able to find it.)

March 18 05

4AM; I’m still awake and can’t sleep. No anxiety, hallucinations or detachment.

5PM; I feel agitated and full of anxiety. I think this is due to the caffeine I had in the form of two cups of regular coffee.

March 19 05

2PM; I’m doing just fine today with the exception of anxiety.

March 20 05

2PM; I have a lot of anxiety today. No hallucinations no detachment

7PM; Today has gone well no hallucinations or detachment or overwhelming anxiety. There has been a lot of anxiety, but not to the degree of me staying in bed with apathy.

March 21 05

11AM; I woke up at 9AM feeling very nervous. I also had a headache. These subsided as I took my morning meds and took a shower. Right now I feel great with exception of anxiety.

9PM; Anxiety level is so high that I feel as if I am floating outside my body.

March 22 05

8PM; I’m feeling a lot of anxiety. I’m going to see Dr. Anders tomorrow. I’m going to ask to go back to 4mg/day of Klonopin.

March 23 05

12PM; I’m feeling great except for anxiety Today, I see Dr. Anders. He has been the best Dr. I’ve ever seen.

2PM; I saw Dr. Anders and he said to add 1mg Klonopin and reduce my Welbutrin by ½ so I’ll be only taking my morning dose of Welbutrin.

March 24 05

6PM; I’m feeling euphoric right now. I wonder if it’s due to the lack of anxiety. I seem to have a lot more energy today. I don’t feel detached or hallucinogenic. I just feel great.

March 25 05

4PM; No symptoms today!!! (so far)

March 26 05

5PM; I’m doing quite well today. No symptoms.

March 27 05

5:30PM; I don’t know how I’m going to deal with all my relatives coming over. I’m full of anticipatory anxiety. I hate holidays.

March 29 05

5PM; Today I’m tired for some reason. I don’t think I should stay up so late tonight. I mean, “Digital Fortress” is a good book, but I can not focus on only that.

March 30 05

5PM; Today is going great. I thought I’d be able to get water pressure Mom’s using the Pressur washer.

5PM; I got my shower and feel much less grimy. I am feeling good.

March 31 05

12PM; I’m edgy tired and cranky because I could not sleep all night. Maybe this afternoon I’ll get some sleep.