Schizophrenia Diaries

Oct 27 03

1:00 PM; I find myself waking from a myriad of dreams. The one I remember most is my mom telling me to take Pepsid complete for my nagging ulcer. My ulcer; however, is not bothering me at this time. Waking up from a dream is somewhat like coming out of a hallucinatory state. My main concern, at this time, is to remedy the situation about use of the computer between my parents and my son. I want to be fair with both parties.

2:45PM; I am getting ready to talk to Roger about computer use times. Roger just came home and I’m going to tell him that 11:00pm is the new cut off time.

10:00PM; I’ve had an unusually late meal so I must wait until 11 to take my medicine; I think i’ll just lay down and rest until 11.

Oct 28 03

2:00 AM; I am hallucinating. I am hearing voices and am in the gym lifting weights when the news people are doing an action story on steroid use among weight lifters. I left my sandwhich and medicine in the hallway outside the gym. To my surprise the news people are examining my lunch bag and photographing the contents. I put my lunch bag next to Arnold’s. Apparently he switched bags and put his steroids in my bag and put my lunch and medicine in his. I told the news reporters that they should go back into the gym and ask Arnold whose bag was what. I knew he was going to tell the truth and remove any guilt from me. But boy was I ever afraid. Arnold told the reporters that he had switched bags because mine was bigger.

2:20AM; I managed to make it to my desk and checked my medicine cartridge for my bedtime dose. I immediately saw that I had missed my last dose. Hence, I took my medicine with a can of pop.

2:45AM; I’m still having hallucinations, so I went down to wake my mother to ask her to sit with me and talk to me until the anti pyschotics took effect. Mom mad some chamomile tea to relax my fiery nerves. We talked until 3:30am by this time the medicine made me come off this trip. I had smoked 4 cigarettes during this time because I was so absolutely terrified. Next, I went to my room and fell back to sleep.

6:50AM; I woke up a bundled of frayed nerves. I took my morning dose of medicine and began to gradually feel better.

3:00PM; I’m still feeling washed out. I feel anxiety and depressed. It’s a general feeling of apathy. I’m going to probably take a nap, for I can’t concentrate about anything right now.

9:00PM; I ate dinner on time and took my medicine.

Oct 29 03

2:00PM; I just got out of bed and took a shower. I could just stay in bed all day, for I’m full of anxiety and am having the shakes and sweats of my Clonazepam reduction from 4mg to 3mg per day. The anxiety is almost unbearable. Therefore, I’m going to spend some time petting my dog, Buddy. I think every Schizophrenic should have a dog, for they help anchor one to reality, when no person is around to help. Since I am alone in the house, Buddy is truly my best friend.

4:00PM; The anxiety has gone too far so I am going to take another Clonazepam.

5:00PM; I am now feeling much better. It’s amazing how 1mg could help so much. I am now going over my son’s Physical Science notes and trying to help him understand his studies. I think that he will get at least a B on tomorrow’s quiz.

6:00PM; My anxiety is completely gone, and I am able to focus outside of myself. I am going out side to have a cigarette and interact with my family over dinner.

Oct 30 03

11:30AM; I’ve been awake since 10AM. My medicine and my coffee were the first things I took, since they are usually the only combatants to anxiety and apathy. Today is a real blessing, for I am feeling like I can truly take on the world.

1:30PM; I am feeling very alert now, but am suffering alot of anxiety. Retreating to my room is my first instinct that I need to fight off. I must go outside and play with Buddy. I must try to fight the anxiety by focusing on playing with Buddy.

3:00PM; I am still feeling a lot of anxiety. Luckily , Mom and Dad came home and I can talk to them about it. Talking often helps me deal with generalized anxiety. In addition, I took my 3:00 dose of Clonazepam, which will temporarily aleiveate this nervousness.

5:00PM; Nothing seems to help my withdrawal anxiety. I fell as though I am burning from within. I can’t describe it any other way. The shakes and cold sweats that accompany this anxiety are mere components of the whole picture. I don’t know if I can just stay on 3mg of Clonazepa with My Abilify and Haloperidol and Aartane leves. The antipsychotics are working well , but there are the , as expected, bleeps in the system.

Oct 31 03

I spent all day in bed, overwhelmed by apathy and anxiety.

Nov 01 03

12:00PM; I’m feeling better after sleeping all of yesterday and last night. I am going to go get Roger his shoes for indoor soccer. I still owe him $50. This will enable him to buy better ones. Mom will be home to take me and Roger to the sporting goods store at any time now. Roger; reacting to my state of mental health was so obstinent that we never got his shoes. We drove to the store and returned home, never entering the store.

Nov 2 03

1:00PM; We all went to Brandon’s house for a birthday party. I felt so depressed and full of anxiety that I was constantly smoking cigarettes outside.

4:00PM; We just got back. I went immediately to my room. I was hallucinating by this time and couldn’t interact with anyone.

11:00PM; My Hallucinations and psychotic anxiety were so bad that I took another 2 Haldols.

1:30AM; Feeling better so I finally went to sleep.

Nov 3 03

12:00PM; I am feeling well. I think I’ll go outside and enjoy this rare sunny and warm day.

2:30PM; I just came in from outside. The weather is beautiful, but my skin is photosensitive because of the haloperidol. I am thankful to God that I am having such a good day. Roger should be home from school any minute now. I must tell him to mow the grass outside and study his Physics for an hour with me.

Nov 4 03

10:00AM; I am still feeling lousy, but today I get to see my Psychiatrist, Dr. Anders.

1:00PM; Dr. Anders says that I need to return to my original dosages of Clonazepam 4mg and Haloperidol 40mg. This makes me very happy. In addition, he prescribed me to take whey protein. The whey protein contains branch-chained amino acids that are not found as much in schizophrenics’ brains. The additions of branch-chained amino acids have just recently been proven to help cognitive functioning to a significant degree.

9:00PM; I am beginning to feel better already. Less anxiety and fewer hallucinations are a welcome state of being.

Nov 5 03

12:00PM; I’m feeling totally better. I slept all night and don’t have any anxiety or hallucinations. THIS IS TRULY A WONDERFUL DAY! I hope that it continues, for I really do not want to go back to feeling the way I was the last ten days.

7:00PM; I went to see a movie at the local Cinema. (Matrix Revolutions). The theatre was packed and I could feel my anxiety rising. It took me ten trips to the bathroom to make it through the movie I don’t know of any schizophrenic who can withstand large crowds because of all the voices whispering.

9:45PM; I am feeling all washed out after enduring the packed theatre. It was a good movie, but it took all I had to sit still and resist the feeling to flee to some place safe.

Nov 6 03

2:00PM; I just woke up after going to sleep at 11PM last night. I feel all washed out and tired. Luckily I set my alarm early in the morning to take my morning dose of medicine. It is right on time for my 2PM dose now.

Nov 7 03

7:00AM; I awoke this morning reeling with anxiety. I was really scared and did not know why or what was going to happen to me. It’s sort of similar to speeding past a State Highway Patrolman and seeing flashing lights in the rearview mirror, but one hundred fold as intense. I took my morning dose of medicine with a hot cup of coffee and tried to practice deep-breathing techniques. This helped and I am now writing about it.

11:00AM; I am still having trouble with anxiety so I am going to take another Clonazepam. Hopefully I will feel better in an hour or so.

1:00PM; I am finally feeling better. Thank God for Chemicals. All that previous anxiety has left me very tired, so I am going to take a short nap.

Nov 8 03

1:00PM; I am playing a wrestling game with Roger. It’s very fun, but I just cannot sit still for more than 5 minutes. I keep retreating to my room (safety). I do not understand this because I am doing so well. I’m going to try and stay and play more than one match. For some unknown reason, I’m afraid this will be very difficult. I’m smelling weird odors. For example: Roger’s room smells like urine, my room smells like a gym, downstairs smells like dog shit, and outside smells like cigarettes. I can’t find any reason for this. It must be some sort of hallucination.

10:00PM; I ate dinner at 9PM now I have to wait until 11PM to take my bedtime dose. I am watching TV in my room. It’s some horror movie about gigantic snakes. I find these movies amusing because they are comedy compared to the very real horror of auditory and visual hallucinations. My family has just come home from a medieval dinner show. The house is still full of smoke from my attempt to fry a hamburger at 9:00. Everyone now knows that I ate dinner.

11:00PM; I just took my bedtime dose of meds, and am sitting downstairs with Mom and Grandma talking about their dinner show. After a half hour we all decided to call it a night.

Nov 9 03

12:00PM; I just woke up and am feeling quite rested, even though I now am 3 hours late for my morning dose. I am taking my first dose with a cup of coffee now. Everyone has gone to church. I feel serene and calm.

1:00PM; I called Mom on her cell phone and found that my family is at a restaurant eating lunch. I asked her why nobody woke me up for church. She thought that I would be uncomfortable at the large service Aaron was not conducting the service. She also said that another person was giving the sermon.

3:00PM; I took my noon dose of medicine with a cup of coffee. Grandma called for help from her room downstairs, so I went to see what was wrong. She was in alot of lower back pain and could not get comfortable in bed. Mom and I got her situated and I brought her my heating bpad and a dose of Motrin to ease her back pain. I went outside and smoked a cigarette, then returned to my room.

5:00PM; Roger’s cousins; Nick, John, and Brian, came over to spend the night. Nick has a 7PM soccer game that Roger wants to see.

10:00PM; All of the kids have gone to sleep. Now it’s my turn. I am taking my bedtime dose with alot of hope, since I am beginning to hear voices that are telling me to hurt myself.

1:00AM; I still have not had any sleep. I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I tried watching TV to focus on other things, but my thoughts are coming out of the TV. I took an extra haldol and Clonazepam with hopes of getting off this rollercoaster. I hope I can sleep.

4:00AM; The voices are now unbearable, so I am going to call in the cavalry. It’s time to wake up Mom. Mom made me some Chamomile tea, and we sat down and talked me down. We decided that nothing was going to stop the voices, so Mom gave me some Diphenhydramine. Within 20 minutes I began to feel sleepy.

Nov 10 03

12:00PM; I had set my alarm to take my 9AM dose. I took my medicine and went back to sleep. Now, I am feeling quasi-normal again.

9:00PM; I am feeling that racy, pre-hallucination state of conscience. Every thing is brighter; I am feeling an edgy euphoria. Therefore, I am going to take an extra Haldol and artane. Hopefully this will stop the process.

11:00PM; I am out of the loop of hallucinations. I feel confident that I will sleep through the night and have dreams.

Nov 11 03

12:00PM; I feel a general sense of apathy and will probably no make any entries today.

Nov 12 03

2:00PM; I woke up fro the second time. I had set my alarm for my 9:30AM dose and went back to lseep. By this time (2PM), it was time to take my 2PM dose. Now I am going to get up and have a cup of coffee.

3PM; Roger and Megan just came home from school. Roger is in a good mood for once! I am very happy for him

5PM; I am feeling awake and rested. I wish every day was just like this.

Nov 14 03

8AM; I set my alarm for 9:30AM, but I didn’t sleep because I had severe sinus pain.

10:50AM; I went to the doctor’s office and found that my sinus infection was worse than I had thought. The largest problem was finding sinus medication and antibiotics that would not have adverse effects in conjunction with my Psychiatric drugs.

1PM; I returned home and slept for a few hours

6PM; Since it is Grandma’s 86th Birthday there is a party, and that means alot of people. I never could stand crowds because I tend to listen to everything all at once. This causes tremendous anxiety attacks, so I took another Clonazepam.

9PM; I am starting to feel and sense surrealism. The only way I can describe it is everything is like Virtual reality; real and yet distorted.

11PM; I am hearing strange noises and voices. I told Mom and she told me to take an extra Haldol. I took the extra Haldol and hoped that it would take effect as soon as possible.

12AM; The Haldol isn’t working, but I tell Mom that I am going to try to sleep.

Nov 15 03

7AM; My anxiety and audible hallucinations have made me lose a night’s sleep. I am taking my morning dose of medicines now with a cup of coffee. Nobody is up at this time so I am going for a walk with Buddy. We walked until my symptoms subsided.

10:30AM; I am thinking clearly now, but I am still being tortured by anxiety/panic attacks, so I am taking an extra Clonazepam

12PM; I am really tired right now because of the last 24 hrs. I am going to take a nap to catch up on some sleep.

5PM; I am awakened by Buddy, who has to urinate. I took my 5PM dose of medicines and took Buddy out for a potty walk.

10PM; I talked to Mom and told her that I probably will not be waking her up in the middle of the night because I am not detached and I have a firm grip on reality. I feel confident and safe. This is a good time to go to bed.

Nov 16 03

8AM; I woke up, took my medicine, and went back to sleep.

12PM; I have just awakened from a long needed sleep. I feel semi-tired and am looking forward to spending time with Roger today.

Nov 17 03

8AM; I am awake and full of anxiety. I took my morning dose with a cup of coffee and hoped it would help.

9AM; still feeling anxiety to a great extent. I was curled in a ball and the floor. Sweat was soaking my clothes. SO I called my Psychiatrist’s office and requested a call back.

1:15PM; Dr. Anders called me and I told him my problems. He suggested more Haldol (10mg) at midnight I desperately hope he is right because I cannot withstand another day like the past two weeks.

7PM; the anxiety has subsided, and I am feeling more comfortable. Grandma told me that her father had the same problem as I have now. The only difference was they did not have modern medicine in the 1920’s. I cannot fathom how much he must have suffered.

Nov 18 03

12PM; I am awake from an incident free sleep. I feel real edgy. I think this is due to the fact that I did not take an Artane with the midnight dose of Haldol.

6PM; I am playing a Playstation game with Roger. It’s good to spend time with my son when I am able.

Nov 19 03

5PM; I have spent the whole day in bed suffering from apathy. I just now got out of bed to face the world. Nobody knows what it’s like to have apathy, except the mentally ill.

6PM; I just put in a fast-paced workout with Roger. He has been a real asset in pushing me into working out. If it were not for him I would probably lounge around and get fat.

Nov 20 03

7AM; I woke up with alot of anxiety, so I took my morning medicines, then I went back to sleep.

10AM; My alarm woke me up. I am feeling good, but tired at this time. I drank my usual Whey Protein shake, which has those important Branch-CHained-Amino-Acids that really help my medicines work to their peak efficacy.

12PM; I took a long steamy shower to drain my sinuses. I was still feeling tired, so I drank two cups of coffee.

5PM; I’m finally feeling awake. I am not feeling any anxiety, apathy or detachment. I feel on top of the world.

10PM; I am finally putting in a workout with Roger. (I laid down earlier and just now woke up). I feel great!

Nov 21 03

All Day; I am in and out of bed, plagued by anxiety and apathy.

Nov 22 03

3PM; I woke up at 2:30PM and took my protein milkshake. Today is vastly dissimilar to yesterday. I feel wide awake and have no anxiety whatsoever.

6:30PM; I am starting to become detached. This is a state of consciousness where my mind goes into the back of my awareness. It is my warning that I am about to start hallucinating. I can’t stop the process. The rest of the night is going to be like controlling a Tiger by the tail.

Nov 23 03

2PM; I’ve been up and detached for two hours now. Now I’m starting to see and hear things. I went downstairs to ask dad what to do. He said go for a walk or do something physical. I made it half way down the driveway. All of a sudden the driveway went vertical into the sky. Then I fell flat on my face. I got up and tried to continue walking down the driveway. I made it to the mail box, and then the mailbox turned into a leprechaun. This leprechaun chased me all the way up the driveway. Buddy could sense I was scared. SO he started barking (Buddy almost never barks). I Made it inside, and told my dad that exercise only made it worse. I am not going outside, because of that god damn leprechaun! I’m going to lie down in Roger’s Room. Until I can focus enough to take my medicine.

(This is Roger. My dad seems to be sweating alot and breathing very deeply.)

6PM; After 2 doses of my medication, I am no longer hallucinating. I feel very tired and exhausted. My arms and legs are rubbery and lack the usual strength that they usually have.

Nov 24 03

3PM; I woke up tired and “CRISPY” from a long fitful sleep. I took my meds with 2 cups of coffee and a whey protein shake.

3:30PM; I am really awake now. I feel relaxed, yet ready for the day to come. I pray that yesterday will not be repeated. I am not noticing any of the telltale signs of impending hallucinations, like detachment or overwhelming anxiety at this time.

6PM; I worked out very hard and burned off any anxiety that I had. I drank a protein shake. All of these workouts are going to help me attain my goal of losing 50lbs. I now weigh 250lbs. I hope to be around 200lbs by Spring. These hard work outs also release endorphins, which leave me feeling as in touch with reality.

Nov 25 03

6AM; I was awakened by severe anxiety. I immediately took my morning dose with a cup of coffee. I decided to stay up and take a nap in the afternoon.

10AM; My mother and I took Grandma to the doctor and found out that she had a respiratory infection. This worried me alot. I was upset. Pneumonia could kill her. I am very close to my grandmother.

12PM; Mom decided to treat us to lunch at the Mustard Seed. We saw cousin Bobby there. I was feeling alot of anxiety because I was worried about Grandma.

6PM; I just woke up from a short nap. I was feeling less anxious. I was feeling somewhat detached. I was having a hard time holding a thought for very long.

10PM; I put in an intense workout with Roger. Next, i Took my bedtime medicines and waited for them to work. I wanted to alleviate my anxiety over Grandma’s condition.

11:30PM; I fell asleep

Nov 27 03

12PM; I woke up because Roger wanted to get a workout in before the relatives came over for Thanksgiving. I took my medicines with 2 cups of coffee. We worked out and got our respective showers. I am feeling very detached today and will not eat with the family.

3PM; The relatives are here and I have retreated to my bedroom. I took an extra Clonazepam to calm down my anxiety, but even that could not help me with my overwhelming sense of detachment. I am afraid to sit down with my family because I feel like they are all judging me. Besides, how could i eat with butterflies in my stomach?

6PM; I got into an argument with Megan and Carol over an innocent word. I ended up telling them both to fuck off. I will never tolerate baby sisters trying to control me. Feeling detached, I retreated to my room and cuddled with Buddy.

Nov 28 03

No entry because of generalized apathy.

Nov 29 03

1PM; I woke up and felt more alert. Anxiety was high, but Clonazepam soon lowered it.

3PM; Very low anxiety and wanted Mom to take me to the store to get cigarettes and coffee. Mom said she would take me in a few hours. I felt frustrated because I was out of cigarettes.

6PM; I felt soreness in all of my muscles. I felt a little detached, but not to warn me of impending hallucinations. I actually feel better since Dr. Anders raised my dose of Haldol to 50mg per day.

Nov 30 03

1PM; I just woke up after a 15 hours of sleep. I was supposed to go to my brother Jeremy’s house for Brian’s birthday. Apathy kept me from going anywhere this early in my waking up cycle.

3PM; My Mother called and asked if I still wanted to go to the party. I said yes and I’d be showered and shaved by the time she picked me up. She was here so I made it to Brian’s 5th birthday party. I was apprehensive as to how well I’d do, because of the volume of people there.

4:30PM; I just got home from the party I felt as though everyone was watching me and judging me. I managed to go into their basement and watch my nephews and Brother Jeremy’s father in law play air hockey. Only three people in a large room was much more comfortable than the crowd upstairs.

Nov 31 03

7AM; I woke up and took all of my medicines but Effexor, which has to be taken with food. I went back to sleep.

10AM; I woke up and took my Effexor with a whey protein drink. I also had two cups of coffee. Groggy eyed, I went downstairs to say, ‘good morning’ to dad, mom and grandma. I had a cigarette and played with Buddy.

4PM; I am very tired from diarrhea. I am going to take a short nap before I work out with Roger. I took Imodium AD and I am sure the cramps with my abdominal area will go away. I have alot of anxiety now, and I hope it won’t affect my nap.

Dec 04 03

9AM; Waking up was like trying to crawl out of a black hole. I have been feeling as detached as can be.

11AM; I’m at the dentist’s office for my very first filling. I was so detached that the Novacaine and the dentist’s drill did not scare me or affect me in any way.

Dec 05 03

11AM; At this time all this bullshits going threw my mind. I think I am going to have a talk with my mom and dad.

2PM; Had a talk with mom but didn’t get anywhere. Had a talk with dad and told him he is not to discipline my son (Roger). He agreed except in the case Roger mouthing off to mom that is the only case in which he will discipline.

8PM; I can’t wait for my dad to get home with my Haldol and by Abilify. I’ve gone all day without them and am beginning to hallucinate audibly.

9PM; Dad got home and I immediately took my medicines. I have to sign off for today because I am in bad shape.

Dec 06 03

11AM; Waking up this morning was like coming off acid. I feel crispy after a night of hallucinations.

7PM; I’m very tired now but have no anxiety nor am I detached. I don’t get too many days like today. I am enjoying time spent with my son, Roger, and Buddy , my dog.

MEDICINES TAKEN EVERY DAY AS OF 12-3-03

ABILIFY – 30MG 1 MORNING, 1 QHS
AMBIEN – 10MG 1 QHS
ARTANE – 2 MG 1 QID
CLONAZEPAM-1MG 1 QID
HALDOL – 10 MG 1 QID, 1 QHS
EFFEXOR XR 150 MG 2 IN MORNING
BRANCH-CHAINED-AMINO-ACIDS-9GM 1 5XDAY
FLAX SEED OIL 1 TSP 5 X DAY

Dec 07 03

3PM; My family went to Emily’s house to celebrate a birthday. I stayed home because of the traumatic feelings I get every time I go around large groups of people. Besides, I don’t want to insult anyone by going to a vacant room just to get away.

6PM; I am feeling a little detached. My anxiety level is high, but I had a Clonazepam with my 5:00PM dose, which will calm me down. I do not know what to do about my detachment until I take my Abilify tonight.

Dec 08 03

11PM; I spent all day today in deep thought. I was in and out of reality and full of apathy. Rarely did I get out of bed, except to go to the bathroom.

Dec 10 03

11AM; Now that I have gotten all of medicines straightened out I am a new man! It’s truly great to be alive when all of your medicines straightened out I am a new man! It’s truly great to be alive when all of your medicines are taken correctly. What happened was that I forgot to take my Abilify (anti-psychotic) for the past 4 days.

2-3PM; Mom and I conversed with the Social Security Administration to get me $200 more per month. They had all kinds of excuses that did not make any sense. We finally got to the bottom of it. My mom said she would charge anyone else $200 more than me. The Social Security Administration said this was a $200 a month income. Therefore, she faxed a letter stating I would be paying the same amount as anyone else. This corrected the problem.

8PM; I am still symptom free with the exception of psychotic anxiety. If it’s not one damn thing it’s another. I really hope they come up with a drug other than Clonazepam to combat psychotic anxiety, which is alot harder to deal with than common anxiety. Psychotic anxiety has a strong paranoia component to it. It also quite literally scares the piss out of you.

Dec 11 03

12PM; I went to see my Psychologist, Dr. Charles today. I left the appointment feeling as though a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. I told him about my forgetfulness surrounding the last several days taking my medications incorrectly.

Dec 12 03

2PM; I woke up at 12:30PM, took my medicine, drank my protein and puked it all up. This left me with a dilemma; should I retake my medicine or should i forget about it and go to bed? I took my Abilify and Clonazepam and went on to drink my coffee.

2:30PM; I took my 2:00PM dose and was not bothered by the recurrent nausea but there I go again; totally fucking up my medicine. Today should prove to be an interesting day.

5PM; I’m feeling awfully weird on the verge of psychotic. Smells, tastes, and sound are intermixed, a sort of synesthesia.

8PM; The previous psychotic symptoms have subsided. All I can say is THANKS GOD!

Dec 13 03

10AM; I have just finished taking my medicines, my coffee, and my whey drink. I’m ready to take on the day.

1PM; I am having a good day. Normally, I stay in my room. Now I have gone outside to play with my dog, Buddy, and went down our 400ft driveway to get the mail. I have alot of energy and pep.

6pm: I am losing my pep so I am going to drink a couple of cups of coffee. When Roger returns from playing paintball. I’ll have to workout. Here he comes up the stairs so I must sign off to go lift weights.

Dec 18 03

1AM; I haven’t been able to write for a while now. This is because I have been going through a period off staying in my room and in bed due to Apathy and depreessive anxiety.

4AM; I am awake and hearing voices that are telling me that I can’t trust anyone, even my doctor. I took an additional Haldol and am waiting for it to work. Meanwhile I am going to ask Mom up to sit with me until the Haldol takes effect.

6AM; Mom made Chamomile tea and we talked until now. The Haldol is working I can’t go back to sleep, so I made a cup of coffee and used it to take my morning dose.

8AM; I am still awake and full of nervous energy. I don’t like this, but it is better than the last few days, when I was apathetic and full of psychotic anxiety.

3PM; I’m having trouble just dealing with life today. Nothing is as it seems.

Dec 20 03

2PM; I went to bed at 2:30AM, so I am still sleepy. I am hoping for a day like yesterday, put it’s too early to tell.

7PM; I just woke up from a 3 hour nap. I am full of psychotic anxiety. I don’t know how to stop them. Therefore; I am trying to watch a movie with Grandma.

9PM; Grandma and I hated the movie. I’m tired, so I’m going to bed.

Dec 31 03

I have not been writing for 10 days now. This is because I was severely depressed and almost suicidal.

3PM; I just got my thoughts together and am thinking about the rollercoaster life I live. Some of my family members think that I can just snap out of it. Nobody but other Schizophrenics can understand the severity of psychotic torture that I endure.

January 1 04

9AM; Because I fell asleep at 4AM, I really did not sleep enough. I took my 9AM dose of medicines, and drank 4 cups of coffee to stay alert. I don’t know how today is going to turn out.

1PM; My anxiety is sky high. I don’t know if it was the coffee or the lack of sleep that brought this one. It sure is a good thing my next dose is only an hour away.

6PM; My anxiety level is at the threshold of Panic attacks. I find that little things are pissing me off. I dare not take an extra Clonazepam, because I have not the permission from Dr. Anders.

Jan 2 04

4PM; I’m having a good day. I woke up at 3PM. My family is out to get Megan a new car.

5PM; I was inside the garage with Grandma when she fell down pretty hard. She lacerated her elbow and hit her head. This gave me alot of anxiety. SO much so, I was dripping with sweat. Grandma handled this better than I did.

8PM; Mom and Dad finally checked her out

Jan 3 04

12AM; Susan ended up sewing up Grandma’s elbow.

2AM; I woke up hallucinating both audibly and visually. I woke up Mom to sit with me and tie me to reality. I felt like Peter Pan, trying to get his shadow back.

3AM; I am still hallucinating. Mom told me that I must take some Haldol. I took 20mg. When I went back downstairs, She asked me how much I had taken. I told her. She thought 10mg would do it, but she understood that I needed to come down ASAP.

4AM; The Haldol started working, so I went to bed.

2PM: I woke up wondering if I had dreamed about all of last night until I looked in my diary.

6PM; Mom just took me to get cigarettes at Country Counter. When we returned we learned that Gtrandma had fallen again. This time, Grandma had a goose egg on her left eye.

Jan 04 04

1PM; Dad was really rude to me, so I told him that he was a very rude person. He told me that he was going to kick me out. I just wish he would mellow out. He is always a mean old fart.

2PM; Mom and I are going to get me whey protein. We may go to the movie: possibly Peter Pan.

6PM; Mom and I just returned from the Tops grocery store and Vitamin World (to get my whey protein)

7PM I called Roger, so he would know I would be at the airport with mom to pick him up. I am still upset with dad and will never take his abuse again.

11PM; I woke up to take my midnight medicine. Buddy was hungry, so I fed him: I couldn’t sleep until 3am, so I made use of my time by spending it with Buddy.

Jan 05 04

5PM; We just came home from picking Roger up at the airport. We are now going to help my brother Dean move into the basement. I am still feeling alot of paranoia and anxiety.

9PM; A nap helped with my paranoia, but not the anxiety. I turned out that Dean was finishing moving in, so Roger and I both took naps. For neither of us got much sleep the past night.

Jan 6 04

5PM; I woke up at 4PM. What a wonderful sleep! I am really feeling good today. No anxiety! No psychotic symptoms!

10PM; I am still feeling great. I had a great workout. My anxiety is coming back, I don’t know why, but over all this has truly been a great day.

Jan 10 04

5PM; I woke up at 4pm, I had went to bed at 6am. I hope I don’t get my sleeping schedule screwed up. I dreamed about the Anaconda Pythons that I saw on animal planet. Some were big enough to eat a man. I’m talking about 30 foot long snakes. I am feeling good, sense I slept and dreamed.

Jan 11 04

4PM; I’m having another good day so far. I slept great, dreamed and I woke up peacefully.

6PM; Since Roger and mom have been out all day, I have been spending my time with Buddy the dog. He is a very fat but good dog. He doesn’t give me attitude to deal with. I hope Roger gets home soon so we can watch Steven Seagals latest movie, “belly of the Beast”

7PM; Mom and Roger returned from the force soccer game. They had a great time. I personally think it’s good for Roger to spend time with my mom.

11PM; The movie was outstanding. Roger and I really enjoyed it. As a matter of fact, this whole day was the best in a long time. I’m now going to bed.

Jan 12 04

5PM; Roger found my stamp collection. Oh, what a happy day this is. I can finally have the means to put him through college. I feel although a great weight is lifted off my shoulders.

Jan 13 04

9AM; I have had another great day. Although I am feeling sped up. I doubt that I will sleep tonight. I pray I don’t hallucinate.

Jan 14 04

6AM; I have not slept all night because of hallucinations. I should have taken another Haldol when my mind was all sped up.

4PM; I looked in my medicine tray for yesterday. And found two Haldols wedged in the corner. This type of mistake is usually why I hallucinate.

Jan 15 04

5PM; I wake up early this morning, so I don’t have my usual pop and energy. To combine this, I have had six cups of coffee, spread out over the next few hours. I know that this is going to cause anxiety, but I have a long list of things to do.

Jan 17 04

6PM; Today has been another great day. No Hallucinations. No anxiety. Today has also been very boring. I haven’t put in any entries for a few days now. I have had mostly symptom free, so I have enjoyed life and the tranquility of a quiet mind.

Jan 21 04

2PM; I am very upset, yet aloof, about grandma going to the hospital until there’s an opening at the nursing home.

Jan 22 04

2AM; I am back to the anxiety and hallucinations. I woke up mom, and she sat with me until an extra Haldol took effect.

2PM; I just woke up. I am full of anxiety and I feel just awful. The fact that grandma is going into a nursing home is making me upset to the point of anxiety/panic attacks.

Jan 23 04

3PM; I woke up because Buddy had to urinate outside. I am feeling well and hae been taking my meds correctly for a week now.

Jan 24 04

9AM; I am really excited that grandma is coming home today. I don’t know why my anxiety goes up when good things are about to happen. It apparently goes up whether I’m feeling good or bad. When she arrives I will sit next to her for the rest of the day.

Jan 27 04

5PM; From 11am till now I’m taking care of grandma. She is really having a ruff time today. This is causing a great deal of anxiety on me.

9PM; Grandmas night meds is given to her.

10PM; Grandmas night dose kicked in now its time for me to go to bed.

Jan 29 04

10PM; Today went very fast. Taking care of grandma has left me tired and in lower back pain. She can no longer move. I’ve had to carry her, lift her and adjust her in bed.

Feb 05 04

8PM; Grandma has pulled out of her stroke. I finally can return to this diary. Tomarrow, I get to see Dr. Anders. I haven’t been hallucinating as much. However I have been quite detached at times to the point where I wasn’t hearing people even if they screamed at me. I’m not driving because of this.

Feb 06 04

3PM; After seeing Dr. Anders, I was and am elated. He said that except for the detachment, I was having a remission.

Feb 08 04

3PM; Uncle Jack, Aunt Sue and Aunt Linda came over for a visit. They were a little on the downside.

Feb 10 04

10PM; It seems although I have spent all day either sleeping or watching grandma. I think that both of us are in low gear. The exception being I have had a high level of anxiety.

Feb 19 04

12 AM; I am hearing multiple voices coming at me. I can’t sort them out. This sucks. I am going to talk to mom

1AM; Mom told me to take another Haldol, so I did.

2AM The voices have stopped.

4AM; I’m going to sleep now.

1PM; I just woke up to a noisy sound in my room. Yes, the voices have returned. I’m gunna call Dr. Anders.

4PM; Dr. Anders said to take an extra Haldol every day until this psychotic “flare up” goes away.

Feb 21 04

11AM; I wake up at 10am, which is very unusual for me. Right now I am full of anxiety and generalized confusion due to all the voices I am hearing.

9PM; Grandma needs help from her wheel chair to her bed. This usually is a snap however I am hearing voices telling me not to do it. After I asked mom to help me, she didn’t know I was tripping. I felt more at ease helping grandma.

Feb 22 04

9PM; I spent the entire day helping grandma, while I was detached or hearing voices. This is very difficult to do.

Feb 25 04

7PM; I’ve not had any hallucinations today. However I’ve been battling anxiety to the point of sweats.

9PM; The anxiety has abstained, I am looking forward to an excellent. evening.

Feb 26 04

6PM; I have been hearing voices all day telling me to do this or that. Today is one of those days when I have ringing in my ears from all the voices.

Mar 01 04

3AM; Had to wake up Dad because hallucinations were unbearable. Dad said to take an additional Haldol.

5PM; Feeling normal except for a bad sinus headache

Mar 02 04

12PM; Hallucinations drove me to put in a call to Dr. Anders.

1:15PM Dr. Anders called and told me to take an extra Haldol.

11PM; The extra Haldol did not help. I am hearing voices.

Mar 04 04

1AM; I am not thinking too well. Buddy my dog is giving me a lecture about hygiene, so I went to take a shower. The shower was filled with rats. I didn’t feel like taking one anymore.

10:30PM; I have finally stopped hallucinating. I hope that this is not temporary. I will just have to see as time goes by.

Mar 05 04

10PM; No hallucinations, no anxiety, good uneventful day.

Mar 14 04

I have not had many symptoms or troubles for the last 10 days, so I did not have any journal entries.

11PM; Today was a difficult day. Relatives and inlaws were here. At dinner time it was unbearable. All the people were talking at once. I ate a few pieces of corned-beef, then left for my room. I haven’t been out of my room since. Now, I am stressed out. I’m hearing voices and having severe anxiety. I am going to lay in bed and practice relaxation breathing.

Mar 15 04

11PM; I slept all day. It must have been the 2 cups of coffee I had this morning. Now I just wonder whether or not I will sleep tonight.

Mar 16 04

10PM; I was sleepy all day. Coffee didn’t help. It only brought on anxiety. At least I will sleep tonight.

Mar 17 04

2PM; I saw Dr. Anders today. He said that I was doing well due to BCAAs. My Artane was reduced to 3x day. He also said that I should take Melatonin 30 min before bedtime.

Mar 18 04

1PM; Dr. Charles called and said he made a mistake on my appt. that he wanted to see me tomorrow.

Mar 19 04

2PM; I went to Dr. Charles office and we spent an hour talking about being a father.

Mar 20 04

6PM; Saw Kevin and Brandon play hockey against an older team.

Mar 24 04

2:30PM; I just awake with a bad headache.

1PM; Gma Caldwell is dying so everyone was over for a drink with Dad.

Mar 25 04

11PM; We finally decided to put Gma into a nursing home. This realization was distressing to Mom, Dad, and me, but not as much as it would be if we would have to continue taking care of her at home.

Mar 26 04

1:30AM; Gma Caldwell just died. I gave Dad a Hug.

June 19 04

2:30PM; I’ve been having hallucinations for 7 days now. Right now I am hearing voices and seeing flashes of light.

10:17PM; Someday I’d like have a normal life: You know job, wife, Roger and a truck. It gets pretty fukin boring watching things breath that have no lungs.

June 20 04

1:25PM; I’m feeling a little bit detached. The Benadryl sometimes does that to me.

4:15PM; Sam and Katie came over for a “cook out”

June 21 04

11AM; I woke up refreshed from a tortured sleep. It seemed as though I was up all night.

7PM; I’ve been tired and detached all day long. I still feel this way. I hope I sleep tonight and have a better Tomorrow!

June 22 04

8:20PM; I told Maria that Roger might want to go to Fla. I’m feeling sad that Roger might have said that I was smoking pot.

June 23 04

3PM; I am feeling better. The issue w/ Roger does not concern me for I did not smoke any pot. Mom seems to be overwhelmed by it. I not in any way detached at this moment. I feel however that I am going to have some hallucinations at a later time in the day.

June 24 04

2:30PM; I woke up fine except for anxiety as I would expect after a good sleep. Today at 4PM I get to see Dr. Charles. I have a lot to talk about.

8PM; The appt. w/ Dr. Charles was one of my better ones. I am now feeling quite detached. I’m trying very hard to concentrate.

June 25 04

1PM; I’m in for another boring day (sarcasm)

2:30PM; Today sucks. I feel a tremendous feeling of anxiety. I wonder if all schizophrenics go through depression and apathy the way I do on a daily basis.

June 26 04

7PM; I’m definitely going to call Dr. Anders and tell him about these fucking hallucinations.

10PM; I am going to take 10mg Haloperidol extra tonight. Hopefully, I’ll stop hallucinating.

June 27 04

3PM; I’m so bothered by hallucinations that I think I’m going to lose my mind.

June 29 04

8PM; Dr. Anders temporarily increased me from 30mg Haloperidol to 40mg Haloperidol yesterday. Today, I am relieved of the hallucinations, but not the sense of detachment.

July 04 04

1:30PM; I awake to find nobody home. For once I am feeling quite normal.

5PM; I ate a couple of pieces of grain bread and the flour and grains must have caused my face turn reddish and my eyes glossy.

July 05 04

3:30PM; I’m feeling a little trippy today. A sense of aloofness is included.

7PM; All day, I’ve felt trippy and aloof.

July 06 04

11AM; Mom gave Buddy a bath. He smells much better than before. I am feeling a dull anxiety at this time.

7:30PM; I am hearing voices. I just wish they’d shut up!

July 07 04

4PM; Last night was a blast. I was sober at a drinkemup joint. I simply had the time of my life.

July 09 04

6PM; Last night I forgot to take my night dose. This morning I was tripping. This after noon, I was hearing voices. Now I am not sure whether to “eat this” “drink that” as in Alice in Wonderland.

July 10 04

1PM; I just woke up. I’m feeling better than yesterday. Not tripping or voices. However; I do have a sense of detachment.

7PM; I am starting to feel lousy again. Every imaginable hallucination is going on. I’m pretty darn frustrated.

July 11 04

3:30PM; I’m a little panicky. I don’t feel like going outside.

5PM; I would kill for a egg-salad sandwhich I don’t know why. I could just taste it.

July 13 04

2PM; I helped Dad w/ the guitar room. I’m having Anxiety for the most part of my consciousness.

July 14 04 (Blood is on this page of the notebook)

2PM; I am feeling nauseous and tired. Axel woke me up at 5:30AM, and I could not get back to sleep.

July 15 04

5PM; I just finished talking with Dr. Charles we talked about parenting skills.