Schizophrenia Diaries

In my teenage years and early 20’s I used drugs quite frequently. Then I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia in 2004. For the first four years, It was absolutely terrifying. The Voices were the worst part, praising me one minute then degrading me the next. Then the ideas of reference. I couldn’t read a book, or watch TV, or listen to music without hearing some message specifically meant for me. Every conceivable situation resulted in me being set up for murder, or killed, or at the centre of some vast conspiracy, or the subject of some bizarre experiment. I lived in total fear. There just seemed to be no escape from this paranoid World. I still used Cannabis and was in denial about my illness until 2007. Now, in 2009, things are better. I have stabilised on risperdal, the voices are distant and mostly inaudible, and sometimes I can even indulge in Media without being too affected. I don’t take any drugs other than the prescribed ones. I turned 30 last year, I was 24 when I was
diagnosed, and feel I have lost some years to this illness. But I have started back at university, and live on my own in the city on a pension. It is still hard to hold down a job. But I feel that a year or two ago I reached a turning point, where I could continue to live in fear or be brave and see through the delusions, see the reality that was mine to make. I use cognitive exercises, the medication, vitamins ( I have still yet to try Zophitin and liquid white mono-atomic gold powder, though I still might one day) prayer mantras, and when the voices start to crowd around, I concentrate as hard as I can on external sounds, even the hum of a refrigerator if I have to. With me, when I do this, the voices tend to fade away. I have plans for the future, and a full recovery from schizophrenia is part of those plans, though I would never have thought that in the beginning, when I was too full of despair over what I considered the ruination of my life. Positive thinking is a must. I look
forward to a future of happiness and security, despite having one of the most debilitating mental illness that can be had. I have also been blessed with a very supportive family. The darkest hour is passed. My person applauds my joyous comeback, and my full recovery, I am sure, is only a short time away. The Upward Spiral has begun.