Schizophrenia Diaries

Hi! My name is Julia and I’m 20 and I have been struggling with schizophrenia for about a year now. I tripped on Coricidin Cough and Cold last year in February (08) and kept taking it for three days, I didn’t get over it for a week and had been dropped on the street on my head, I didn’t come out all that well, I thought my boyfriend was a serial killer and was going to kill me so I hid knives through out the house. I broke up with him when I thought he was being overbearing and went home to live with my mom. Through out the summer I was doing fine until I felt like people were watching me and talking about me in coded messages in front of me. At first I called them the papanazi’s as a joke, but then it got serious and then I thought I was on some kind of hidden camera show and no one was going to tell me, I thought they hid cameras in my shower and everything and wouldn’t go to the bathroom or take showers for days at a time. Then I went on a vacation with a group of friends
and was listening to people “talk” about me. It seemed like they could hear my thoughts. It was at that moment I knew I was totally screwed, people were going to know every little bad thing I had ever done in my life. When I got home from the trip my mom put me in the hospital, I didn’t want to go. I thought everyone was just lying and they were going to hide my gift under mental illness and treat me like dirt. I fought tooth and nail. They put me on drugs. Then I found out it was my right to go off the drugs, as soon as I did I started hearing voices, the voices of everyone around me so I thought I could communicate with everyone around me. Then one day God spoke to me and told me he hated me and to kill myself. He said God wouldn’t say that to you would he, then he said “Must be the Devil” Then he said I was going to die the next day of a heartattack. They put me back in the hospital and back on the pills. They diagnosed me with Drug Induced Psychosis. This was in
like November (08). Now it’s May (09) and I’ve been living out of the hospital and on meds since, my stays were only about a week long. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 2 weeks ago and it finally shocked me awake. I now think it’s … possible… that people might not be able to hear my thoughts. But I don’t know how to adjust how I think to fully accommodate this new revelation. Last night I wasn’t able to sleep and I started hearing voices. I decided to listen to the voices, because listening to them helps me to fall asleep faster. My fiance talks in his sleep. While I was listening to the voices one said I love you and then another said I love you more and at the same time my fiance said in his sleep I love you more. So I still think that if you’re reading you know exactly who I am and all the world hears my thoughts. But I’m trying to disbelieve that. My goal right now is to get stable enough to someday go off the meds and have a baby, which brings on a whole
slew of new problems. Like it everyone can hear my thoughts I’m never going to be able to have sex, or my kids will know how crazy I am, or when I’m scared too… just a whole slew of things you wouldn’t want your kids knowing. I really hope people can’t hear my thoughts… Thanks for listening, God Bless!