Schizophrenia Diaries

from an early childhood I saw things that were not there. usually people or humanoid-like things. they talked to me, but no one else could hear them. they wouldn’t understand what i was talking about. i heard things too. ringings and bells.. my name being called through a song or out in the open. i would rewind the song to try and hear it again but it would never be there. also everything seemed to be amplified. the sounds when people ate made me terribly sick to my stomach. the scraping of forks and knives… everything.. its unbearable. it never goes away.

i started to plan my suicide when i was 8.. i whirled into a continuing cycle of depression.

i isolated myself from others when i got into junior high. i was paranoid that they were talking about me all of the time; plotting against me. finally i decided that all must come to an end, for i’ve been thinking about the proper date for it a while back. i attempted suicide by overdose. i took 100 tablets of sleeping pills.. nothing happened except i got very sick to my stomach.. when asked, i replied ‘food poisoning.’

my second attempt was when i was 13. i took a variety of pain killers and i slit my left wrist and sliced my left arm up in a terrible mess. i passed out and woke up about 20 hours later. realizing that i wasn’t dead, i got sewing needles and stabbed myself over-and-over in my left arm; punishing myself. i knew that everyone would be happy once i was gone. my brother found out about my arm but didn’t tell my parents. telling me he’d beat my ass if i did it again. i started doubting what was real and fake. i couldn’t tell if i was awake or dreaming. i trusted no one and couldn’t talk about anything.. afraid to be labeled as ‘crazy’ .

at the age of 14 i tried once more.. “hopefully,” i thought, “i’ll get it right this time..” i started seeing things again. and hearing noises. they scared me. hallucinations everyday. depression. everything wasn’t right. i was worst and i would not admit anything was wrong with me. i started seeing ‘the man in black’ as i called him. i stared seeing him around the time i was 5. he never goes away; always there. behind an object, around a wall, the other side of a door.. he is forever with me. he tells me things. that i’m worthless, never good enough. voices in my head tell me that too. they are quite cruel, but i don’t really hear them anymore. all of the stress in my head got too built up and i gave in to the idea of killing myself again.. it gave me false comfort. i took a mixture of different medications that i found. but once more i was just really sick.. i told my parents that i got something around school. they believed me.

i never talk to them really. we don’t have a relationship very much… see, i have these different kinds of ‘me.’ a guy personality, whose name is victor, is very mean and cruel. he takes over a lot and i hate it very much. he takes advantage over me. he is awful to people and enjoys it extremely.. he laughs at others pain and wishes horrible things on people. he wants many to die.. he’s frightening. very cynical, labeled as ‘cool’, manipulative.

then there is normal ‘me’. impassive, confusing, but ditzy, random, low self-esteem. mm, i’m not a fan of this one. very boring indeed.

haha, then tabitha. she’s a riot. she gets along with everyone. she’s funny, outgoing, easy-to-be-around, fun, cool, says what is on her mind. i truly like her, but sadly she doesn’t appear much..

i set a new date to try again..

this year [2008] i attempted another time. still 14. i cut the veins in my hands, the sides of my wrists, and took a bottle of sleeping pills & other meds. i laid on my floor for some time before my world went black. i don’t really remember what was going on in my head, everything is blurry and i’m unsure of the details. when i woke up i had a major headache and i was extremely pale. i must have emptied my stomach 10 times in an hour.

i am still feeling detached and unreal. nothing seems real anymore.. i can’t get a grip on anything. is this all a lie? will i understand anything? am i broken? what is wrong with me? i always feel so alone.. i have taken to cutting since i was 10.. it is only a temporary comfort.. it never lasts long. i don’t know what to do. maybe i’ll figure it out one day.