So here is snapshot of present day;
My symptoms are still mild. I have a very conscious grasp of what is real and what is fictitious manifestations. I did recently have a 15-20 volume day. Which was a bit worrisome. I have since the realization, and am currently choosing not to seek out psychiatric help or to experiment with a regiment of meds. I may change my mind in the future. But as it stands I am very cognisantly aware that having such diagnosis documented can have some very profound personal and professional long term consequences.
At a later point the symptoms may become so burdensome that the costs are worthwhile. At this time they are not. I do wrestle with a lot of “what ifs?” . The biggest is the concern of being able to distinguish “the line”, before I reach it, of where I need to relinquish control of my life and affairs to someone else. I struggle with the ethics of parenting and the ethics of attempting to have a long term relationship. I am single and I am a parent. Is it fair to burden these people with the unknown symptoms which may or may not cause huge impacts and sadness on people who did not sign up for the job.
In the same breath, why shouldn’t I be able to have such joys in my life too? Why do I have to make the sacrifices? Can I control it enough to have reasonably normal life? If I can’t control the symptoms and have to make such huge sacrifices, do I want to subject myself to the whims of the mental health system? Can I cope with the dampening down effect of the meds? Do I want to? I’m an extremely free spirited bird. Really who benefits from the effects of the drugs, if I have made such huge sacrifices in my life?
Is life with a huge lead weight or life in a state of frantic disillusionment better? Who chooses what life is better? For now its me. I can. And I can do it responsibly. But to ensure that my choice is not taken away prematurely, I must keep my condition private to most. I have shared with two people whom I trust, and have asked them to give me feedback and to assist me as needed or in a worse case scenario to take whatever measures are needed to protect myself and family in a careful way. I only hope it never gets there.
