My friends are all simply being polite to me. No, that’s stupid, right? They’d just leave, or stop talking to me, if they didn’t like me, right?
No, they’d sit there and tolerate me, because it’s easy and polite. I’m all alone, really, I have no friends, only these people who say their my friends, but really are only saying so to be nice. Because they’re nice people.
God. I know it’s in my head, I know it’s not real. But, if it’s true, then I just want to keep lying like this. Because if anyone ever finally comes out and says that it’s true, I’ll really be alone.
Posts Tagged ‘alone’
I was staying at home alone while my friends were studying for college entrance exam. I squatted myself down on the couch with empty eyes. I wanted to turn on the radio, but I was afraid to do so. It would make me weak. The silence broke my heart.
I was shivering. I badly wanted anyone to come, but I was alone. Parents thought I was just stressed. However, I knew I was not all right. I couldn’t believe the existence of the world. I tried and tried to prove it, but I kept failing.
In the evening, parents came. I acted a nice daughter with a heart filled with disbelief. I couldn’t explain the way I felt to them, because I was doubting their existence.
It took me some three years to get it over. During the time I stalked two people on-line. I still hurts my heart. People would not understand me, but I just wanted to be saved by them.
Positive Symptoms
A patient of society’s asylum
I take time to consider my senses and make decisions
Knowing what I feel and think
And what I can learn from their calling.
Pressure builds subversiveness
As my knowledge is suspect
And so escape to the ward to read myself discipline
By those subversives around me
And I must be mad, not to heed their warning
And recognise the threat of discontent – should they know its cause
Beyond the pale of the expected
I fear the prospect of change
Should it bring the desire forgiven
Then I propose I toast to mine own recovery.
Though the threat of my adversaries welcome
Strikes due consideration into my learning -
What may be lost to them?
Should my resistance weaken and fail
Then the independence I have gained will surely lay – down
As a martyr to what went before
And revelation will wake me soon
Negative Symptoms
Nothing changes, left alone in solitude
Surrounded by objects of labour and passion
Plenty happens here at home
But all is lost to amusement not gain
My plans for the future I have already known went awry long ago in the past
When I could enjoy life for what it offered
Now it just presents its curse of solitude and long held dreams failed
Letting disappointment and resentment to settle heavy in my heart
Causing me psychoses and other labours of the soul
Whispers, insulting me in silence
Stir me to shout my innocence out loud to the walls
Should they listen
Or anyone else who may hear my protest
Though none will foster and fewer care for my wellbeing
My beliefs are sentiment to my own derision
And failure
To be as good as the next man
I remember when I was younger, I always felt like I was different. I did a lot of living in my own head. I didn’t have a lot of friends. I didn’t do sports. I didn’t succeed in school like most of the other kids. I was mostly daydreaming in class and daydreaming, for what seemed like all the time.
When I was 19, that’s the first time I really started having serious delusions. I thought with certainty that everybody in the world was against me. I remember one time walking through K-Mart, and every person that passed by, I thought they were all tracking me and were all going to be sending secret messages to a government agency, who had plans on running illegal, underground tests on me. I always heard voices in the past, but this time, they were very prominent. “Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here!”
I remember walking as quick as I could toward the exit and just looking all around me. I was waiting for, any minute, a helicopter to come down from the sky, grab me, and take me away.
That night, when I went home, I started writing a journal about my experience. I still have it to this day. One of the passages reads: “The government is trying to inject my body with a secret serum that will liquify and, allow them to track my every move. They have plans on doing this within the next week. If I’m missing and you find this message, I will be located in an underground labaratory in Washington D.C.”
I didn’t sleep for three days after this. A lot of my time at nights, I spent sitting in my living room, staring out the window. My parents noticed that I was acting peculiar, but I thought that, since I didn’t know whether or not I could trust them, I didn’t say anything to them. I didn’t know whether or not they would protect me.
Later that week, I was in my room and thought I heard a noise coming from downstairs. So, I went downstairs and saw the figure of a man sitting on a couch. I walked over toward it, and the man told me that he was there to protect me, and that if I went to K-Mart tomorrow, the government would call off the secret mission because I would be seen too many times on their cameras, only this time the government planned on sending my brain to space to be reviewed by an alien coalition which believes I have information within my subconscious on the creation of the universe.
Eventually, I tried to kill myself and my parents found me with my wrists slashed. I was sent to the psych unit and diagnosed with schizophrenia. I’ve been working with a counselor ever since and they have me on medication. I’m not cured by any means, but I’m sure as hell a lot better than I was 3 years ago.
name: Bev
select: My Own Story
email: bev195000@yahoo.co.uk
My Name is Bev and i live in England i have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia feel like i am on my own in this world.
I have two sons from a previous marriage and i am married for the second time.
I feel my partner is conspiring against me and everybody in this world is judging me.
I am under a psychiatrist who is currently trying to get me on the right meds but to no avail as i feel she is temping to sedate me.
My parents are both dead i use to total re lie on my mum for help but now she is gone i have to try and carry on in this world but it is very difficult.
I sometimes feel like i just want to climb into a big hole and see no one, the voices in my head tells me things i do not want to hear i try and ignore them but they never go away.
I have been offered electric treatment but i refuse this.
I ask is the only way to treat this having to take med to make you so tired you cannot live a normal life.
I do try and control my way of thinking but it is so difficult with this voices that never go away. I have been told it is not me but my mind is ill but i cannot believe and never will.
