In middle school I meet a teacher I admired a lot. I liked her and in my head I was LIke saying in my head, related to a star wars book I read, for some reason ” I want to be your apprentice,” I thought I was going crazy then. I also thought other people, students, that teacher and other teachers can also know what was going on with me psychically like I don’t do anything physical or talk but do soemthing in my mind and they know. Like thinking of a fat man jiggling and they would laugh.

Then in high school When I came back to america I felt like that teacher was following me around. Then all the other stuff above happens and I started talking to myself, talking incoherentaly or jumble stuff up, talk randomly. Then I felt like people can scan my brian like a cat scan ,the teacher’s frends and students, because they knew I was going crazy since they were psychologists. I met with a psychiatrist the year after it started to become an episode in high school. But I refused to take medicine I didn’t know anything about schizophrenia then. Then I fought with my mom in january 2007 and the police sent me to a psychiatric hospital for hurting others.

Everything been going on the same for me, but they follow me more or the same, and I interpert messages in church as messages talking about the people in my delusions. like you should ask the right way or Gob ” my teacher” won’t do what you say or accept you etc.

So thats my story!! I do well in school 3.0 at least in GPa is a senior going to graduate, It doesn’t take my attention away from learning and schoolwork, only it goes on while I’m at school or with other people also with my mom. but it doesn’t “really(UNKOwn)” distract me. I think. and I will get a job go to college graudate get a job, lead a normal life, and do what others will do in their life.

I will not sit on welfare. not that its bad of course.

Schizophrenic stories have always interested me, understanding their mind but have found few stories that actually show you how the mind worked and am hoping for those curious my own story will be of some interest to those who where not looking for just a story about medications and how someone felt but how I saw the world.

+A note I have never used drugs strongly or frequently, tried once did not enjoy, schizophrenia is on both sides of my family+

As a child something was wrong. Being rushed to the midnight doctor by my parents screaming terrified as I could see cracks forming in the roof. This was before I started school and things only increased from there on in.
The monsters under my bed where real, I could see them and feel them and would refuse to go into my bedroom for months at a time.
False memories of an alien coming out of my ceiling light in the lounge room. And the so very sure feeling my dad could read my mind which made me try n avoid being near him for months on end.
I had recurring dreams about the creatures that lived underneath my house and still do to this day. But at about aged 15 I got the crushing blow when I realized a lot of my childhood memories weren\’t even real.
Longer over time I lost all interest in friends, I couldn\’t speak to them anymore just couldn\’t connect and didn\’t feel the need to connect with them anyway. I soon left school and soon knew no one outside my family other than one single person, literally.
Paranoid thoughts worsened and so did hallucinations. I began keeping numerous scattered journals trying to recap everything that happened not understanding any of it. False convictions people could hear my thoughts. A rush of noises at first which turned into voices pounding my head. Catching a strangers eye was the most horrible feeling. It would throw me into a paranoid fit for a whole day even. On the train if I thought about someone I was looking at and they looked back (most likely cause I was probably staring) I would spend the entire day in a utter panic. I would shake I would be so terrified they had heard my thoughts, the feeling someone could just so easily walk into somewhere thats meant to be impossible for anyone else to enter but you, your mind undone by a stranger.

I remembered back to a few times my mother had confronted me and asked \”do you ever hear voices?because if you do you can come to me at any time\” of course I denied. But soon when found out what schizophrenia was from a friend who had it I sought a doctor.

I had been seeing my doctor for a while for depression but had cut back on visits to her for a couple of months and told her \”I think I have schizophrenia\” Of course she did the standard questions \”what makes you think that?\” \”do you think/feel/hear this\” etc.

I denied some things as when I imagined my saying something out loud such as \”yes I think people hear my thoughts\” I realized just how stupid I sounded, how…. crazy.

But I told her other things, the voices, the tall lingering monsters I saw. The everything else….and she stared at me with a look on her face like pure horror. I thought id done something wrong, that she must think of me as a monster she went to get up then she sat back down, thought then looked at me.
\”I want to hospitalize you\” Fear just washed over me at that thought, it would mean my family would know (something I still have not and will not tell them) something I did not want to do, something I was too afraid to do.
I negotiated medication with her and tried risperdal for some time. But the affects of the medication where not working quickly enough and the side effects bad. At college I would have to ring someone to come help me down the stairs at the library as I was so dizzy I could barley stand.

I soon went off the medication and stopped seeing my doctor which was not a good choice for what was going to come.

For some time things would come and go, a good day a bad day, turning into a terrible month an even worse 5 months and so forth.
Things got worse.
Voices became terrifying, like that of a demons sometimes so scared my knees would buckle and I now understood why in movies your screaming at that stupid girl to run from the monster but she just stands there. I understand so well now why on earth she can\’t just run.
Waking to feeling the hot breath of something on your neck, horrible words talking in your mind \”they\’re going to kill you\”.

Images would become stuck in my mind so clear, of arms being cut open and the flesh pulled out and I would feel it happening to my self.

One night I was sitting on my bed alone in the dark, waiting for now my only friend to come online. I had note they\’d gone out for the night with some friends and at the time where living kinda far from my house so seeing them was beginning to be difficult.
I recall feeling like I couldn\’t move and seeing a man dressed as an old surgeon standing above my bed. I didn\’t feel scared but even action he preformed on me felt so real. He took a chisel and put it into one side of my head, still I could not move, nor make a sound nor do anything… took it out I felt it drawn from my crushed bits of skull and done again to the other side, he then left and I could move.

All I could do was cry, the pain was overwhelming but left quickly when he did, why I had more hallucinations than other people I could not work out or why I had it so much as a child which is not as common once again I did not understand.
All I wanted was for it to be gone and for me to be gone. Suicide had been attempted and thankfully never fully worked.

For the next year things eased up a little. Hallucinations became lighter but paranoia become much worse. I could not stand in a kitchen with someone holding a knife assured they where going to harm me I would even at times ready my self with my own knife n ready to attack if they came near me. Something I am glad never turned out as horrible as it could have, so many times I sit here now so thankful nothing happened.

I took a lot of stress out of my life which caused much of the worsening of my symptoms.
But even at all this time I could not quite accept what was wrong with me. I think logically about what had happened n could put it down to schizophrenia, a doctor had confirmed it, I had been on medications for it and it was on both sides of my family. But when my mind played up I saw no logic I saw demons I felt terrified and I could not pass these so real things as just my mind.

So after a few years of lighter symptoms after taking some bad people out of my life, staying out of stress causing places things looked a bit better. I felt better, I met someone great who helped me.

Then I recall that bloody day on the train. We got on and looked for an available seat, the carriage wasn\’t so crowded so we picked one I got the window seat. The first thing I noticed when stepping on the train tho was a man, rocking back n forth quietly muttering and drawing rapidly with his finger on the seat infront of him and the window.

I was utterly amazed, first at how no one in the carriage was even staring at him or saying anything or acting uncomfortable secondly mental illness just fascinated me so we got a seat 2 seats infront of him.

I watched him the whole train trip in the reflection of the window but time to get off realised hed left the carriage without me noticing. Soon going to get on the escalator he got infront of us. I studied him short cut grey hair, clean kept but he had sandles showing his long yellow toenails. I felt like I wanted to cry to hug this utter stranger and tell him things would be ok that I knew too how it felt to have a mind this tortureous. I recall my boyfriend saying \”i love you\” to me on the escalator down and this man infront of me I was studying looked uncomfortable when my boyfriend talked so I told him to shoosh. My boyfriend didnt get it and I got snappy telling him when we had now gone a different way off the escalator to not be so inconsiderate as clearly it was upsetting the man.

Boyfriend: \”what man?\”
Myself: \”the one infront of us! the one on the carriage! you where upsetting him when you talked\”

The conversation went along like that for a while, my temper flared at how he could have not noticed he was right in front of us.

When my boyfriend continued to tell me \”there was no one on that seat where he was meant to be\” \”The man infront of us was a asian man in a suit\”

After a long and bitter argument that lasted days yet another crushing blow to realize it wasn\’t real. Finally I could accept I did have schizophrenia. But accepting it was painful. Months of depression that non of it was real, that I was fooled by my own mind.
How could I trust anything else? What else was not real? who else was not real? The feeling of helplessness as if you did not even own your own mind.

Yet my boyfriend stayed by my side, He was there if I went out in public to help me when I felt every single person was staring at me. He was still there in the morning when I utterly chewed him out in an argument. He was still forgiving her was still there every night I would cry into his chest that I was being told I was going to die. He was there when I couldn\’t cope.

And even the other day he was there when being around people for the first time in years. It took a lot of tries just to get me out of his bedroom and into the lounge room to meet his house mates but he stayed next to me the whole time checked every now n again to make sure I wasn\’t too scared.

I am still not medicated and I would not class this as a success story. I know I will be this way for the rest of my life, but at least having him there has helped me tremendously and will be the thing to help me continue.

When I reached middle school I was starting a new life in Taiwan with my dad. This was hard because I didn’t know that language that well and everything was in Chinese. I got depression, and started to have delusions about my classmates and my teacher. I would think things like I could think of a jiggly African man and my classmates would laugh, those people are special like me, those teachers are weird they seem special, or my teacher is the best person in the world. She is like qui-gon in star wars and makes it seem like she cares about me imaginary a lot or is really interested in me. When I went to camps in America or school in America as I later realized, It seemed like she was in other people looking or interacting at me.

When I started high school, things were ok the first year. There was only a girl by the name Lisa that I thought was my teacher. The rest of the kids some were just special like they were like Kim possible on the Disney movies or had a secret code since they were special with the teacher. The second year I discovered I was in Lisa’s class like three of them, and I was excited because she seemed like a teacher. Then when I moved out of those classes I only had two. Because in the beginning we were placed into the same groups and the behind each other. I was excitable, but as I switched classes because of math, I discovered I wanted to be with her. So I started to hear voices of her and her new found psychologist kid friend and another Asians very capable friend in another class while I was in my class away from them. This started it all, and before I knew it I was hearing voices, laughing in front of others for no reason, talking to myself at times when was with Lisa and her friends.
My teacher caught this and you guys know the rest of the story.

I went to a psychologist she caught on sent me to a psychiatrist who told me to eat medicine but I refuse since I didn’t believe I have a problem. Later I was having really bad fights with my mother, so once before a meeting with a real psychologist I kicked the window of my mother’s car and it broke. The police came for me and spent me to the psy hospital. I was under 18 then so it was better a youth psychiatric hospital. I spent two weeks there the most you can spend unless you had a really bad problem. But I also had the worst psychotic episode of my life that set the basics for today. I discovered people were trying to get me out, there were angels, my teacher, my two friends Brian and Amy, and my dad who sneakily went around in people making me guess and then I was wrong and right etc, people commenting on my every move and thought, nurses not being who they were, one nurse not as they should in real life I once, looking back and forth at the nurses station making me feel like
as If they were helping me, or there were real people whatever that meant, and people in movies and radios etc. I was totally out of it at the hospital but I didn’t tell anyone for fear that if I told my symptoms would get worse , and plus I could handle it.

Two more school years had pass since my hospitalization. The other time I was hospitalized was for no reason just a argument with my mother. I just passed my time and got out of it. But school went on, and my life became weirder as the people I imagine were in other people. I once imagine them, kissing in front of me, in real people who were kissing!! That was really stupid and embarrassing. Even to today it is still like this. There are people in other people anywhere I go following me, and living with me day to day, etc.

The schizophrenic experience can be a terrifying journey through a world of madness no one can understand, particularly the person traveling through it. It is a journey through a world that is deranged, empty, and devoid of anchors to reality. You feel very much alone. You find it easier to withdraw than cope with a reality that is incongruent with your fantasy world. You feel tormented by distorted perceptions. You cannot distinguish what is real from what is unreal. Schizophrenia affects all aspects of your life. Your thoughts race and you feel fragmented and so very alone with your “craziness.”

My name is Janet Jordan. I am a person with schizophrenia. I am also a college graduate with 27 hours toward a master’s degree. I have published three articles in national journals and hold a full-time position as a technical editor for a major engineering/technical documentation corporation.

I have suffered from this serious mental illness for over 25 years. In fact, I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t plagued with hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. At times, I feel like the operator in my brain just doesn’t get the message to the right people. It can be very confusing to have to deal with different people in my head. When I become fragmented in my thinking, I start to have my worst problems. I have been hospitalized because of this illness many times, sometimes for as long as 2 to 4 months.

I guess the moment I started recovering was when I asked for help in coping with the schizophrenia. For so long, I refused to accept that I had a serious mental illness. During my adolescence, I thought I was just strange. I was afraid all the time. I had my own fantasy world and spent many days lost in it.

I had one particular friend. I called him the “Controller.” He was my secret friend. He took on all of my bad feelings. He was the sum total of my negative feelings and my paranoia. I could see him and hear him, but no one else could.

The problems were compounded when I went off to college. Suddenly, the Controller started demanding all my time and energy. He would punish me if I did something he didn’t like. He spent a lot of time yelling at me and making me feel wicked. I didn’t know how to stop him from screaming at me and ruling my existence.

It got to the point where I couldn’t decipher reality from what the Controller was screaming. So I withdrew from society and reality. I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening because I was so afraid of being labeled as “crazy.” I didn’t understand what was going on in my head. I really thought that other “normal” people had Controllers too.

While the Controller was his most evident, I was desperately trying to make it in society and through college to earn my degree. The Controller was preventing me from coping with even everyday events. I tried to hide this illness from everyone, particularly my family. How could I tell my family that I had this person inside my head, telling me what to do, think, and say?

However, my secret was slowly killing me. It was becoming more and more difficult to attend classes and understand the subject matter. I spent most of my time listening to the Controller and his demands. I really don’t know how I made it through college, much less how I graduated cum laude. I think I made it on a wing and a prayer. Then, as I started graduate school, my thinking became more and more fragmented. One of my psychology professors insisted that I see a counselor at the college. Well, it appeared that I was more than he could handle, so I quit seeing him.

Since my degree is in education, I got a job teaching third grade. That lasted about 3 months, and then I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months. I just wasn’t functioning in the outside world. I was very delusional and paranoid, and I spent much of my time engrossed with my fantasy world and the Controller.

My first therapist tried to get me to open up, but I have to admit that I didn’t trust her and couldn’t tell her about the Controller. I was still so afraid of being labeled “crazy.” I really thought that I had done something evil in my life and that was why I had this craziness in my head. I was deathly afraid that I would end up like my three paternal uncles, all of whom had committed suicide. I didn’t trust anyone. I thought perhaps I had a special calling in life, something beyond normal. Even though the Controller spent most of the time yelling his demands, I think I felt blessed in some strange way.

I felt above normal. I think I had the most difficulty accepting the fact that the Controller was only in my world and not in everyone else’s world. I honestly thought that everyone could see and hear him. It progressed to where I thought the world could read my mind and that everything I imagined was being broadcast to the entire world. I would walk around paralyzed with fear that the hallucinations were real and the paranoia was evident to everyone.

My psychosis was present at all times. At one point, I would look at my coworkers and their faces would become distorted. Their teeth looked like fangs ready to devour me. Most of the time I couldn’t trust myself to look at anyone for fear of being swallowed. I had no respite from the illness. Even when I tried to sleep, the demons would keep me awake, and at times I would roam the house searching for them.

I was being consumed on all sides whether I was awake or asleep. I felt like I was being consumed by the demons. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. How could I convince the world that I wasn’t ill, wasn’t crazy? I couldn’t even convince myself. I knew something was wrong, and I blamed myself. None of my siblings have this illness, so I believed I was the wicked one.

I felt like I was running around in circles, not going anywhere but down into the abyss of “craziness.” I couldn’t understand why I had been plagued with this illness. Why would God do this to me? Everyone around me was looking to blame someone or something. I blamed myself. I was sure it was my fault because I just knew I was wicked. I could see no other possibilities.

In the hospital, every test known to man was run on me. When the psychiatrist said I had paranoid schizophrenia, I didn’t believe him. What did he know? He didn’t know me. He was just guessing. I was certain he was trying to trick me into believing those lies. Nevertheless, he did start me on an antipsychotic medicine and that was the first of many drugs I have been given over the years.

This first medicine was Thorazine, the granddaddy of all psychoactive medicines. I have also, at one time or another, tried Mellaril, Stelazine, Haldol, Loxitane, Prolixm, and Serentil, to name a few. These medicines seemed to work for a while, but the symptoms always came back and the side effects were not pleasant. Many times, though, I began to think my medicine was poisoning me, and I would quit taking it. Then, the “craziness” would return in full force.

I would usually end up in the hospital and, with more medication, doctors would stabilize the psychosis. I tried to commit suicide twice during these periods. I wanted to punish myself for having this devastating illness. The Controller was trying to ruin my life. He was making me miserable. Yet, I clung to him like a sinking ship, even though I felt like I was drowning, slowly but surely.

I was truly blessed when I started seeing my present therapist. I have been seeing him for the past 19 years. He has been the buoy in the raging waters of my mind. I was blessed again when I became the patient of my present psychiatrist. He has been taking care of me for over 16 years. They both have been my saviors. They have not hesitated to try new medicines and new approaches. No matter how bad things have been, they have always been there for me, pulling me back into the realm of sanity. They have saved my life more than once.

In fact, it was through them that I started taking Clozaril, a true miracle drug. It doesn’t have half the side effects that the other neuroleptics have, and I have done remarkably well on this medication. The only problem with this medicine is its extremely high cost, which is why most people with schizophrenia are not taking it. Fortunately, my medical insurance covers the high cost of this drug. In fact, my medical insurance has paid for all of my hospitalizations and treatment. Sometimes I get scared that they will drop me, but I choose not to dwell on this fear.

I do know that I could not have made it as far as I have today without the love and support of my family, my therapists, and my friends. It was their faith in my ability to overcome this potentially devastating illness that carried me through this journey. There are so many people with serious mental illnesses. We need to know that we, too, can be active participants in society. We do have something to contribute to this world, if we are only given the opportunity.

So many wonderful medications are now on the market, medications that allow us to be “normal.” It is up to us, people with schizophrenia, to be patient and to be trusting. We must believe that tomorrow is another day, perhaps one day closer to fully understanding schizophrenia, to knowing its cause, and to finding a cure.

Thank you very much for listening to me. It is my hope that I have been one more voice in the darkness – a darkness with a candle glimmering faintly, yet undying.

4PM; Last night was a blast. I was sober at a drinkemup joint. I simply had the time of my life.

July 09 04

6PM; Last night I forgot to take my night dose. This morning I was tripping. This after noon, I was hearing voices. Now I am not sure whether to “eat this” “drink that” as in Alice in Wonderland.

July 10 04

1PM; I just woke up. I’m feeling better than yesterday. Not tripping or voices. However; I do have a sense of detachment.

7PM; I am starting to feel lousy again. Every imaginable hallucination is going on. I’m pretty darn frustrated.

July 11 04

3:30PM; I’m a little panicky. I don’t feel like going outside.

5PM; I would kill for a egg-salad sandwhich I don’t know why. I could just taste it.

July 13 04

2PM; I helped Dad w/ the guitar room. I’m having Anxiety for the most part of my consciousness.

July 14 04 (Blood is on this page of the notebook)

2PM; I am feeling nauseous and tired. Axel woke me up at 5:30AM, and I could not get back to sleep.

July 15 04

5PM; I just finished talking with Dr. Charles we talked about parenting skills.

July 16 04

6:30PM; I’m feeling pretty good. The only complaint is Akathesia and tremors in my arms and legs from the Haldol.

10PM; I am alone again for another weekend night. I just want to go out and meet women.

July 17 04

1PM; I forgot my night dose this made me anxious, paranoid, and confused this morning. I am currently helping Dad clean the barn and garage.

5PM; We are about to eat steak for dinner. I hope my 5PM dose kicks in soon, for I am edgy and hungry.

July 19 04

7:30PM; I helped Dad clean the barn. I have 2 more days to go. I hallucinated all day , so I’m taking the fourth dose today.

July 20 04

5PM; Todays been one of those “simply great” days. I am staying w/ my diet. This makes me feel better (less psychotic)

July 22 04

8PM; I am having and had been having jerks in my arms and legs. Called Dr. Anders and he didn’t know what was causing it so he upped me 1 blue that is 4x a day Klonopin.

July 23 04

6PM; I am doing a lot better today. No hallucinations anxiety/panic attacks. I am feeling quite well.

July 24 04

5PM; Today is another good day. Since Dr. Anders raised Klonopin to 4mg a day.

July 26 04

11:30AM; Roger called last night and wanted to remain in Florida. This hurt me more than any wound I have ever had.

11:50PM; I still can’t believe Roger. You raise up your children the best you can. Sometimes you really fuck up somewhere, and you don’t even know what where it is.

July 27 04

1PM; I awaiting Dr. Charles phone call back Boy do I ever need to talk to him.

4PM; Dr. Charles said I’ll have to deal with a lot of paperwork.

July 28 04

4PM; I am still feeling as though I were in shock due to Roger choosing to live with Maria.

July 29 04

3PM; I am feeling better due to the fact that I am rested and clear of Mind.

7PM; I’m feeling confused about Roger’s leaving me. I’m a good father!

July 30 04

3PM; I have too much energy. It’s difficult to stop my hands and legs from moving. I sincerely hope that Dr. Anders takes me down off this Haldol soon.

July 31 04

1PM; Last night I took the extra Clonazepam and I had no problems with my hands, arms , feet , and legs. In fact I am having only mild symptoms today. I still want off the Haldol.

August 01 04

10PM; Today went quite quickly. Jim said he would have me work for him when I got back from NC.

August 08 04

7:30PM; My nerves and sinus infection caused me to throw up earlier. Now I feel better and am relaxed and tired.

VACATION AT OUTER BANKS

August 27 04

2PM; I’m feeling detached and a little trippy. It’s almost like using marijuana.

August 28 04

1:30PM; I just finished my morning rituals of good fortune. I hope to have a good day with god in my heart.

August 29 04

2PM; I’m feeling a little schizo today. I’m not sure if people are talking to me or not. It’s confusing I’m also feeling down. I slept 14 hours last night and am still tired.

August 30 04

1PM; I slept 14 hours last night. I’m feeling slightly depressed. Last night I ate an enormous amount of popcorn during a lousy movie.

9PM; I’m feeling down and apathetic. I think that I will just go to bed and watch T.V.

10PM; My ears are ringing. I don’t know why. Watching TV is impossible.

September 01 04

7PM; I am trying to concentrate and am having been this way all day. I am going to take it easy and kick back and try to let the coffee work.

September 02 04

11:30AM; I am bright awake since 7:30AM this morning. I have no indicators of hallucinatory action.

1PM; I have been on the “upside” of normal all day long. Right now, I feel almost manic.

September 03 04

4PM; Today has been fantastic. I feel real good after sleeping till 12:30PM

September 04 04

1PM; Everyone except me went to West Side Market.

3:30PM; Everyone came back from WSM I’m feeling a little apathetic right now.

5PM; That cup of coffee has given me a lot of energy. I feel like going out and doing something. What can I do? The answer is an evasive thought.

September 05 04

6PM; I watched Brandon and Kevins ’ hockey game in which they beat the other team 5-1. Now I’m very anxious because of the potent coffee I had during the game. This is precisely why I prefer to drink instant more than brewed coffee. Less caffeine.

10PM; I am becoming less and less tolerable of having to say “NOW” to Buddy to get him to get up. I’m never having this much caffeine again!

September 06 04

12PM; I just woke up and feel lousy. Last night’s sleep was nonexistent. I had to keep going up and down the stairs. Only audible hallucinations were present and they were confusing me. It was like every outlet in the house was connected to my head (brain).

4:30PM I’ve come down and am feeling somewhat depressed.

September 07 04

4PM; I am feeling sort of edgy right now. I am going to take it easy today.

September 08 04

6PM; I’m out of control of my agitation, depression, and hallucinations. I fucking want relief now!!!

10PM; I took an extra Haloperidol and Clonazepam feeling much better.

September 09 04

8AM; Dr. Anders just called and made changes to my medicine. He raised the Haldol to 3 10mg a day and he raised the Welbutrin to 300mg a day.

7PM; Jonie just cut my hair. Maybe now I’ll stop pulling it out. I’ve had trichotolomania since I was 2 years old.

September 11 04

11AM; Roger called me and told me that he’d passed his written part of his driver’s permit. Boy.

2PM; I’m somewhat apprehensive about today. I have that feeling that somethings wrong with everything. It’s that sinking feeling you get in your gut that says your Doomed.

September 12 04

1PM; I feel better, except for my sinus infection. It makes my face hurt and my body sweaty.

4PM; Today has been a good day for me. I’m really back with it. No hallucinations. No anxiety or depression evident.

September 14 04

8PM; I am very sick w/ a sinus infection. I just keep sweating and sweating. I think that the pseudafed that I am taking is messing with my head. My heart is beating fast, and I am very anxious. Dr. Anders said this might happen.

1PM; I’m more relaxed and only suffer pain in my sinuses and the sweats.

September 15 04

7PM; I’ve just returned from the Springfield “dog pound”. Buddy went astray while we were riding on the Gator up the street. I’m so glad he wasn’t hit by a car.

September 16 04

5:30PM; My sinuses still hurt. I had both visual and audible hallucinations today.

September 17 04

3PM; Roger just called and told me that he’s going to a keg party tonight. Now I’m worried.

3:30PM; I called Maria’s cell and told her about Roger ’s plans.

3:40PM; Roger called me and told me to tell Maria that “he was just joking”

September 19 04

2PM; Wake up just now. I am feeling really paranoid.

2:30PM; Gma Jones has just slipped into a coma.

3PM; I visited Gma; Everyone is crying or upset there. I have to go home. I can’t take this much bad karma.

5PM; I’m finally home. I’m going to rest.

8PM; After getting some rest, I felt , and even now feel great.

September 22 04

4PM; I’m home from taking Dad to Walmart. Now, I must work out to combat the anxiety I’m feeling. I had 6 cups of coffee today. This is the cause of my anxiety. I’m too full of jitters, and I want to get rid of them.

5PM; I worked out pretty hard, but didn’t get rid of the anxiety and the jitters.

8PM; I took 2 extra Haloperidol. (10mgs a piece) and now feel more even keel.

September 24 04

3PM; I really got a lot of stuff done this afternoon. I’m proud of changing the wheel with my Dad.

6PM; Done odd jobs around the house, pool and backyard. Mom wanted me to sweep the driveway. I came inside. I had done enough!

September 25 04

8AM; I just woke up and took a shower. Feeling well.

2PM; Feeling better than going somewhere and listening to my Mom and Dad fighting at 1PM today.

5PM; I keep hearing people calling to me or just talking to me.

September 26 04

1PM; After clearing my lungs and sinuses, I now feel better. Mom seems to be in a better mood. It’s a shame that yesterday had to happen.

4PM; I feel as though I am coming down with a cold. I have the chills that often accompany a virus.

September 27 04

12PM; I kept hearing voices in the shower. Once I got done showering, the voices stopped. I really hate taking showers.

9PM; After a long day of hearing voices, I have finally taken an extra Haldol 10mg tablet. I hope tonight will be silent because I’m at my limit of my wits.

11:30PM; By this time I had to take an additional 10mgs of Haldol. I feel like worms are crawling through my muscles and are causing a great deal of pain.

September 28 04

1PM; My outlook for today is much brighter, since I’m going to take 30mg of Haldol instead of 25mg of Haldol. There seems to be a threshold level where 25 won’t do it and 30mg will.

5PM; I am free of any hallucinations, but I feel medicated.

7PM; I still feel medicated, but it’s better than Leprechauns and voices.

September 29 04

1PM; I’ve got the general stuffy head and dry mouth from Haldol at a high dose. These side-effects are bothersome but at least I’m not hallucinating.

9PM; My ears are ringing and I hurt all over. I have to wait until 10PM dose for these illusions to wash away.

September 30 04

4PM; I snapped a muscle in my back and went up to the office since it hurt to breathe. I took a Flexeril and it fucked me all up. Now, I must decide between mental clarity and psychical pain. The one odd thing is that physical pain doesn’t hurt like the shear anguish of anxiety, depression, or flames burning you in your mind.

October 01 04

7AM; The Flexeril tore my stomach up all night. Now, all I want to do is sleep, but I can’t. I feel the anxiety well up inside me.

9:30AM; I took my meds. I’m starting to feel a release of negative energy and a filling up of positive energy.

October 02 04

8PM; I’m a little bit “blah” today. No real motivation for anything.

October 03 04

1PM; I’m having a good day so far in spite of the general lack of sleep.

6:30PM; I’m feeling sleepy despite the coffee I just drank.

7PM; I’m seeing faces form in the air and then talking about different aspects of my life.

October 04 04

7PM; I’ve been hallucinating all day. Dad noticed the inability to maintain a single thought, and me apparently talking too much to Buddy my dog as if he was talking back.

10PM; Well there sure are a lot of hallucinations one could get. It’s the VD of the brain. All senses are overloaded to the point of nonsense.

October 05 04

3PM; I finally slept. No sign of hallucinations; visual auditory or body given. I feel well rested and secure.

October 06 04

2PM; Dad, Mom and Brian went to go to look at another house. I’m feeling a little trippy today.

5PM; Hearing multiple voices, It’s deafening.

7PM; Took 10mg Haldol. Now able to interact with others.

9PM; A little trippy that’s all. Feeling hungry for some food.

October 07 04

3PM; I’m having a good day so far today.

October 09 04

3PM; Everything besides generalized anxiety is apparently under control.

October 11 04

5PM; My arm and shoulder are full of agonizing pain. I have a generalized anxiety that is peaking now.

October 23 04

2PM; I slept as much as I could for lots of dreams means less hallucinations.

4PM; I am having a touch and go day few hallucinations and a lot of anxiety.

October 24 04

5PM; I’ve been hallucinating steadily since last night, I took extra Haldol to combat this However, it’s not helping too much.

9PM; I’m hallucinating terribly. I just can’t stand it anymore.

October 25 04

3PM; This is starting out the same way it did yesterday, so I called into Dr. Anders I’m awaiting his call return.

4:30PM; Dr. Anders said to give the extra Haldol time to work. He also told me to not look into mirrors and take an extra Clonazepam, since this could be a manifestation of anxiety.

October 26 04

1PM; I am feeling much better today.

October 28 04

12PM; I am well rested and the Haldol is in gear. Today seems to be starting off well. I have very little anxiety and no hallucinations. I truly wish that every day starts like this.

October 29 04

1PM; I had a rough night of sleep. However; I’m feeling great in all respects.

October 30 04

2PM; Anxiety is the only problem today. I just got my SSI Check and I will only have $50 to spend.

November 04 04

4PM; It looks as though I’m going to have to pay for my Clonazepam, since I took an extra pill for 2 weeks. This is because of multiple anxiety attacks, probably caused by too much coffee.

9PM; I’m the only one home. Every noise in the house is magnified by ensuing silence.

November 05 04

4PM; Feeling a relaxed “speed-up” in my system. Part of this could be anxiety about Dad’s malpractice case against, Summa, for what they did to Dad, I hope he bleeds them dry!

November 06 04

2PM; I wasn’t able to get any sleep last night because of brachial plexus pain running down my left arm. In spite of this, I feel calm, cool and collected. There seems to be no pre-hallucinatory or pre-anxiety signs. Therefore; I am lucky to have such a nice day.

11:30PM; Today is perfect except my pain. I just hope I can sleep.

November 08 04

1PM; I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety now. I am going to see DomDera about a sinus infection and pain running from my neck down to my fingers.

5PM; I’m feeling less anxiety. I don’t know why. I’m now adding vicodin HP’s and Doxycyclene BID to my list of medicines.

November 09 04

3PM; I just finished watching a movie. I think to myself; I really appreciate a painfree restful sleep last night. It lifts the point that “There is a God”

5PM; I just got called another God Damned Medicaid recipient by a pharmacist at Marc’s in Fairlawn, OH (330) 869-0426. I will not forget this.

November 16 04

4PM; I’m hallucinating that I’m in Ireland. The date is unknown for there are no structures architecturally find the time.

November 17 04

2PM; I slept like a baby last night. It was probably due to the fact that hallucinating just wore me out. I feel great so far today.

November 18 04

7PM; Today I functioned really well. I drove into downtown area and did a little shopping with Dad. I temporarily lost my cell phone and took all my meds on time.

9PM; I called Roger and he was tired so I told him I’d call tomorrow. I called Jeff, but he was still working. I wanted to apologize for having audible hallucinations while talking to him on the phone on Tuesday.

November 19 04

2PM; Another trippy day for me to try to keep this book going.

3PM; I’m not leaving the house today or tonight for I feel that I may hallucinate.

8PM; I’m feeling detached and my ears are picking up voices. I’m taking Haloperidol 20mg to thwart a full blown Pyschotic Break.

9PM; The Haldol addition really helped, so now I’m going to enjoy the rest of the night.

November 20 04

2PM; Feeling good in all respects.

11PM; Today has been a good day. Earlier I had to take 1 Haldol 10mg, but that helped out more than any thing else.

November 21 04

6PM; Today has been excellent with the exception of severe pain in my left shoulder, upper arm, elbow, and hand.

November 22 04

(Did not sleep last Night!)

10AM; Saw Demdora and pondered the possibility of a rotor-cuff problem along with the Brachial Plexis problem.

2PM; At MRI place MRI went well

6PM; Having Salmon Broiled and Cole Slaw.

7PM; Pain is subsiding due to percacet.

November 23 04

1PM; I’m a little trippy today. I think that I’d better take an extra 10mg of Haldol before I hallucinate.

November 25 04

2:45PM; Day starts out okay. However I have been hallucinating since I woke up. I am presently going to get 10mg of Haloperidol to achieve some sanity.

November 26 04

12PM; I woke up earlier than usual. I’m feeling charged up from a good night’s sleep. My anxiety is low, hallucinatory threshold is very high.

November 27 04

11AM; Just woke up feeling sketchy at best.

2PM; Took 2 extra Haloperidols. I hope this will take effect soon.

3PM; The Haloperidol are starting to work. It’s only a matter of time that I have of suffering. Then, I can enjoy watching the Army/Navy game.

November 28 04

1PM; My day starts out pecularly. It’s like being in the “Twilight Zone”. Everything is here yet nothing is here.

2PM; Feeling O.k. Mom is going to give me $8.00 to go to a movie tonight with Nicky. I’m not hallucinating today and I feel moderate anxiety.

November 30 04

I put in a call to Dr. Anders. He called back I explained that I needed 4mg/day vs 3mg/day that I was taking presently. He saw what I was trying to say, and he said he’d call in the prescription.

December 02 04

4PM; I have been sleeping better with taking 4mg of Klonopin. Today I didn’t wake up till 1PM. I feel no signs of hallucinations or anxiety or apathy. My mood is good and my outlook on life is much better. I am living not just existing!

December 03 04

4PM; Slept in till noon. Feeling sedated today. No complaints except feeling tired. No anxiety, no hallucinations.

December 04 04

3PM; Feeling comparatively well. The only problem is anxiety today. I feel as nervous as a pregnant Nun.

7PM; Feeling scared like impending DOOM. This is when being schizophrenic, really sucks.

December 05 04

10PM; This had to be the most boring day I’ve ever had.

December 08 04

3PM; Feeling anxious and nervous. I wonder why I’m losing weight so fast. When I’m taking in more calories on this Diet: Cheating.

11PM; My nerves are under control. I think that the pain to my injury was driving the anxiety. I even have puked because of severe pain in my arm, shoulder, and neck.

December 10 04

5PM; Everything is going well except for the occasional break-through hallucination. I only had 2 today.

11PM; I’m feeling blue. I’ve had very little energy and am currently in a lot of pain.

December 11 04

1PM; Yesterday, I went back to 300mg/day of Wellbutrin. I was able to sleep well and long. I feel rested. I don’t know whats in store for me today, for I just woke up.

7PM; I hope to have a good evening playing video games with my favorite cousin.

December 12 04

11PM; Today was very much better than yesterday, with 1 exception. I fell down the stairs from the top step backwards.

December 13 04

2PM; I’m in a lot of pain from yesterday’s fall. I think that the pain is driving my anxiety.

7PM; Feeling stable. No special problems except pain in the left arm shoulder and neck. I smell like an add for Ben Gay.

December 14 04

2PM; I’m hallucinating candle lights without the candles. Everything is beautiful and the colors smell like candy.

5PM; I feel great! My pain is still there, boy emotions affect is high. I took 10mg of Haloperidol, and it stopped my hallucinating within an hour.

December 16 04

10AM; I woke up at 5AM this morning in a lot of PAIN! I really hope I don’t puke from the pain today. The pain in my arm is unbearable. It is driving my hallucinations, and made me puke 4x yesterday.

5PM; Today went rather well. I laid down for several hours and took a percocette to tackle the pain issue. I’ve had no hallucinations since 12PM. I’m going over my cousin’s house to play video games tonight.

December 17 04

12PM; Ate breakfast took meds, feeling great got 8hrs sleep last night.

December 19 04

5PM; Took pain medicine Percocetts Feeling good. Anxiety normal. No hallucinations.

December 20 04

8PM; My son just called from St. Petersburg, FL, and said that his plane will be 15 minutes early into Cleveland. My anxiety level is skyrocketed. I am seeing little stars everywhere.

December 22 04

3PM; My entire family is out X-mas shopping. I can’t and won’t go because large groups of people really freak me out. So, I’m staying home with my dog, Buddy, and playing video games.

9:30PM; Today has been uneventful for the most part. I feel relaxed and detached. I hope that I don’t start hallucinating tonight.

11PM; Did not hallucinate tonight.

December 23 04

1PM; I’m very tired today. I slept to 11:45 AM 12 hours of sleep is just too damn much sleep. It leaves me tired and apathetic towards life.

4PM; I feel agitated and apathetic in general. I have to put on a good show for Roger. I don’t want to ruin my only child’s Christmas.

December 24 04

8PM; Christmas eve celebration at Jeremy’s went well despite hallucinations. Anxiety manifested as the “Runs” didn’t stop me.

December 25 04

7AM; 3 Leprechauns would not leave me alone, so I woke up Dad to talk to me. Dad was reassuring. Took extra Haldol 10mg.

2PM; Went to Emily’s house to celebrate X-mas.

8PM; Returned home with Megan and Roger.

December 26 04

1PM; Just woke up. Feeling anxious, but not in hallucinatory state.

2PM; Medicine working. No anxiety, no other symptoms. I need to take a shower. My hair is all messed up. I might go to the Mall with Roger.

6PM; All alone in the house. Bored. Looking for things to do. T.V. isn’t that bad of an idea.

December 27 04

2PM; I am hallucinating again, a lot of anxiety. Shit anyone who hallucinates gets scared. It is not a fun thing, and to think people take drugs to get this way.

December 28 04

2PM; Amazingly I have no symptoms today. I feel rested. I feel calm, cool, and collected.

9PM; For some reason, I feel all sped up. I hope I can sleep tonight

11PM; Still Sped up.

December 29 04

1:30AM; I still feel as though I am on speed.

5AM; Still no sleep.

3PM; Took 2 hr nap feeling sped up again.

8PM; All I feel like doing is going to sleep!

December 30 04

11AM; I’m awake and rested from a long night’s sleep. I don’t feel sped up or full of symptoms.

December 31 04

1:30AM; I got a call from my cousin. I had forgotten to take my night dose, so I am taking it now.

3PM; I feel a lot of stress today. I hope I don’t hallucinate.

4PM; Took evening dose + extra 10mg of Haloperidol.

January 01 05

8AM; I slept real well. Hallucinating moderately, I think these will go away, once the Abilify and the Haldol take effect.

6PM; Anxiety high, took extra Haldol so I won’t hallucinate.

January 03 04

4PM; Well; Roger is preparing to leave tomorrow about 2PM. I feel bumed out that I could not get him what I’d promised him. However; we all should be happy that Christ was given to us/ gave himself to us.

10PM; Mom, Roger, Nicky, and I went out for dinner at Outback’s and saw National Treasure at Regal Cinemas. Both Dinner and movie were great. I now feel a bit detached. May be sensory overload.

January 04 05

11AM; Feeling good in all respects.

7PM; Roger just call on to say he had a very good flight, and that he was safe! “feeling down” I miss Roger very much.

January 05 05

2PM; I feel a little down and out.

3PM; I get to see Dr. Charles now. Boy do I have a lot to talk about.

5PM; Dr. Charles was very insightful about my worries. I am fortunate to have such a good Pyschologist.

January 06 05

6PM; I’ve been up since 5:15AM Today was filled with anticipation of what I don’t know. No hallucinations. A lot of anxiety, a little bit scatterbrained.

January 07 05

8PM; I’ve felt scatterbrained all day. Writing this is almost impossible.

January 08 05

7PM; I’ve felt more lucid in thought all day.

January 09 05

12PM; I’m feeling enthusiastic about today. I mostly symptom free.

3PM; Still feeling well. W/ the exception of anxiety. Anxiety is mostly due to my disappointment with Roger.

January 10 05

2PM; Feeling tense but all other types of symptoms aren’t here.

January 11 05

8PM; I’m really tripping. I must take more Haldol 10mg… 20 minutes… I took it and am starting to clear up.

11PM; Feeling extra crispy. Sorta like depression/apathy.

February 16 05

7PM; I made another stupid mistake today on my cell. Sometiems I over use my cell minutes

February 17 05

(Stayed all day in bed sick)

February 18 05

6PM; Just came back from outside for ½ hr. Looking for Molly the dog. We have about 5in. of snow and we have a wind chill of 0 degrees F, so I am tired. Had my morning hallucinations. Am presently aware of my consciousness, and

February 19 05

This morning I hallucinated about Gma Caldwell (deceased) Gma Jones (about to kick it) and Mom. They were all asking me to help them.

4PM; I’m still hearing voices and am sick and tired of it.

February 21 05

9PM; At 4PM I saw Dr. Anders and he increased my Haldol to a total of 35mg/day. I was only taking 20mg a day before the increase.

February 22 05

3PM; I hallucinated until 2PM and they went away. The increase in Haldol has not taken effect yet. This means another fuckign day of waiting. However, I do not feel as detached as yesterday.

7PM; Feeling much better with hallucinations. However, detached and full of anticipatory anxiety.

February 23 05

2PM; Anxiety and hallucinations are non-existant today. I am feeling a warm sensation throughout my mind and body.

February 24 05

4PM; No Hallucinations moderate anxiety. An overall good day.

February 25 05

12PM; Having voices in the AM tapered off with noon dose of meds.

February 26 05

2PM; Feeling drowsy today. No hallucinations very little anxiety not worth mentioning. Staying in room.

4PM; I’m relaxed yet alert. My thought patterns are goofy, but this isn’t going to keep me in my room for long. I am going to go out as soon as cousin Larry comes over.

February 27 05

8PM; It’s been a long good day no hallucinations lots of AM anxiety.

February 28 05

6PM; I woke up at 1PM and felt dizzy. I have felt this way all day. Even now I feel light-headed and dizzy. I don’t feel anxiety or hallucinogenic.

March 02 05

5PM; Today has been a difficult day to say the least. No hallucinations, but there has been a lot of anxiety attacks.

March 04 05

7PM; I have been symptom-free for 2 days now.

March 05 05

7PM; Anxiety and Apathy are my main enemies today. I have a real low anxiety threshold and All I’ve wanted to do today is to lay in bed and shut the world out.

March 09 05

10AM; I am doing a lot better than the 7th and 8th where I was hallucinating my ass off. Today at least this morning I feel invigorated and ready to take on the day.

5PM; Just like yesterday I am now actively hallucinating. I am seeing sound and hearing colors. There are a myriad of smells.

(This gap in diary was due to misplacing it and not being able to find it.)

March 18 05

4AM; I’m still awake and can’t sleep. No anxiety, hallucinations or detachment.

5PM; I feel agitated and full of anxiety. I think this is due to the caffeine I had in the form of two cups of regular coffee.

March 19 05

2PM; I’m doing just fine today with the exception of anxiety.

March 20 05

2PM; I have a lot of anxiety today. No hallucinations no detachment

7PM; Today has gone well no hallucinations or detachment or overwhelming anxiety. There has been a lot of anxiety, but not to the degree of me staying in bed with apathy.

March 21 05

11AM; I woke up at 9AM feeling very nervous. I also had a headache. These subsided as I took my morning meds and took a shower. Right now I feel great with exception of anxiety.

9PM; Anxiety level is so high that I feel as if I am floating outside my body.

March 22 05

8PM; I’m feeling a lot of anxiety. I’m going to see Dr. Anders tomorrow. I’m going to ask to go back to 4mg/day of Klonopin.

March 23 05

12PM; I’m feeling great except for anxiety Today, I see Dr. Anders. He has been the best Dr. I’ve ever seen.

2PM; I saw Dr. Anders and he said to add 1mg Klonopin and reduce my Welbutrin by ½ so I’ll be only taking my morning dose of Welbutrin.

March 24 05

6PM; I’m feeling euphoric right now. I wonder if it’s due to the lack of anxiety. I seem to have a lot more energy today. I don’t feel detached or hallucinogenic. I just feel great.

March 25 05

4PM; No symptoms today!!! (so far)

March 26 05

5PM; I’m doing quite well today. No symptoms.

March 27 05

5:30PM; I don’t know how I’m going to deal with all my relatives coming over. I’m full of anticipatory anxiety. I hate holidays.

March 29 05

5PM; Today I’m tired for some reason. I don’t think I should stay up so late tonight. I mean, “Digital Fortress” is a good book, but I can not focus on only that.

March 30 05

5PM; Today is going great. I thought I’d be able to get water pressure Mom’s using the Pressur washer.

5PM; I got my shower and feel much less grimy. I am feeling good.

March 31 05

12PM; I’m edgy tired and cranky because I could not sleep all night. Maybe this afternoon I’ll get some sleep.

1:00 PM; I find myself waking from a myriad of dreams. The one I remember most is my mom telling me to take Pepsid complete for my nagging ulcer. My ulcer; however, is not bothering me at this time. Waking up from a dream is somewhat like coming out of a hallucinatory state. My main concern, at this time, is to remedy the situation about use of the computer between my parents and my son. I want to be fair with both parties.

2:45PM; I am getting ready to talk to Roger about computer use times. Roger just came home and I’m going to tell him that 11:00pm is the new cut off time.

10:00PM; I’ve had an unusually late meal so I must wait until 11 to take my medicine; I think i’ll just lay down and rest until 11.

Oct 28 03

2:00 AM; I am hallucinating. I am hearing voices and am in the gym lifting weights when the news people are doing an action story on steroid use among weight lifters. I left my sandwhich and medicine in the hallway outside the gym. To my surprise the news people are examining my lunch bag and photographing the contents. I put my lunch bag next to Arnold’s. Apparently he switched bags and put his steroids in my bag and put my lunch and medicine in his. I told the news reporters that they should go back into the gym and ask Arnold whose bag was what. I knew he was going to tell the truth and remove any guilt from me. But boy was I ever afraid. Arnold told the reporters that he had switched bags because mine was bigger.

2:20AM; I managed to make it to my desk and checked my medicine cartridge for my bedtime dose. I immediately saw that I had missed my last dose. Hence, I took my medicine with a can of pop.

2:45AM; I’m still having hallucinations, so I went down to wake my mother to ask her to sit with me and talk to me until the anti pyschotics took effect. Mom mad some chamomile tea to relax my fiery nerves. We talked until 3:30am by this time the medicine made me come off this trip. I had smoked 4 cigarettes during this time because I was so absolutely terrified. Next, I went to my room and fell back to sleep.

6:50AM; I woke up a bundled of frayed nerves. I took my morning dose of medicine and began to gradually feel better.

3:00PM; I’m still feeling washed out. I feel anxiety and depressed. It’s a general feeling of apathy. I’m going to probably take a nap, for I can’t concentrate about anything right now.

9:00PM; I ate dinner on time and took my medicine.

Oct 29 03

2:00PM; I just got out of bed and took a shower. I could just stay in bed all day, for I’m full of anxiety and am having the shakes and sweats of my Clonazepam reduction from 4mg to 3mg per day. The anxiety is almost unbearable. Therefore, I’m going to spend some time petting my dog, Buddy. I think every Schizophrenic should have a dog, for they help anchor one to reality, when no person is around to help. Since I am alone in the house, Buddy is truly my best friend.

4:00PM; The anxiety has gone too far so I am going to take another Clonazepam.

5:00PM; I am now feeling much better. It’s amazing how 1mg could help so much. I am now going over my son’s Physical Science notes and trying to help him understand his studies. I think that he will get at least a B on tomorrow’s quiz.

6:00PM; My anxiety is completely gone, and I am able to focus outside of myself. I am going out side to have a cigarette and interact with my family over dinner.

Oct 30 03

11:30AM; I’ve been awake since 10AM. My medicine and my coffee were the first things I took, since they are usually the only combatants to anxiety and apathy. Today is a real blessing, for I am feeling like I can truly take on the world.

1:30PM; I am feeling very alert now, but am suffering alot of anxiety. Retreating to my room is my first instinct that I need to fight off. I must go outside and play with Buddy. I must try to fight the anxiety by focusing on playing with Buddy.

3:00PM; I am still feeling a lot of anxiety. Luckily , Mom and Dad came home and I can talk to them about it. Talking often helps me deal with generalized anxiety. In addition, I took my 3:00 dose of Clonazepam, which will temporarily aleiveate this nervousness.

5:00PM; Nothing seems to help my withdrawal anxiety. I fell as though I am burning from within. I can’t describe it any other way. The shakes and cold sweats that accompany this anxiety are mere components of the whole picture. I don’t know if I can just stay on 3mg of Clonazepa with My Abilify and Haloperidol and Aartane leves. The antipsychotics are working well , but there are the , as expected, bleeps in the system.

Oct 31 03

I spent all day in bed, overwhelmed by apathy and anxiety.

Nov 01 03

12:00PM; I’m feeling better after sleeping all of yesterday and last night. I am going to go get Roger his shoes for indoor soccer. I still owe him $50. This will enable him to buy better ones. Mom will be home to take me and Roger to the sporting goods store at any time now. Roger; reacting to my state of mental health was so obstinent that we never got his shoes. We drove to the store and returned home, never entering the store.

Nov 2 03

1:00PM; We all went to Brandon’s house for a birthday party. I felt so depressed and full of anxiety that I was constantly smoking cigarettes outside.

4:00PM; We just got back. I went immediately to my room. I was hallucinating by this time and couldn’t interact with anyone.

11:00PM; My Hallucinations and psychotic anxiety were so bad that I took another 2 Haldols.

1:30AM; Feeling better so I finally went to sleep.

Nov 3 03

12:00PM; I am feeling well. I think I’ll go outside and enjoy this rare sunny and warm day.

2:30PM; I just came in from outside. The weather is beautiful, but my skin is photosensitive because of the haloperidol. I am thankful to God that I am having such a good day. Roger should be home from school any minute now. I must tell him to mow the grass outside and study his Physics for an hour with me.

Nov 4 03

10:00AM; I am still feeling lousy, but today I get to see my Psychiatrist, Dr. Anders.

1:00PM; Dr. Anders says that I need to return to my original dosages of Clonazepam 4mg and Haloperidol 40mg. This makes me very happy. In addition, he prescribed me to take whey protein. The whey protein contains branch-chained amino acids that are not found as much in schizophrenics’ brains. The additions of branch-chained amino acids have just recently been proven to help cognitive functioning to a significant degree.

9:00PM; I am beginning to feel better already. Less anxiety and fewer hallucinations are a welcome state of being.

Nov 5 03

12:00PM; I’m feeling totally better. I slept all night and don’t have any anxiety or hallucinations. THIS IS TRULY A WONDERFUL DAY! I hope that it continues, for I really do not want to go back to feeling the way I was the last ten days.

7:00PM; I went to see a movie at the local Cinema. (Matrix Revolutions). The theatre was packed and I could feel my anxiety rising. It took me ten trips to the bathroom to make it through the movie I don’t know of any schizophrenic who can withstand large crowds because of all the voices whispering.

9:45PM; I am feeling all washed out after enduring the packed theatre. It was a good movie, but it took all I had to sit still and resist the feeling to flee to some place safe.

Nov 6 03

2:00PM; I just woke up after going to sleep at 11PM last night. I feel all washed out and tired. Luckily I set my alarm early in the morning to take my morning dose of medicine. It is right on time for my 2PM dose now.

Nov 7 03

7:00AM; I awoke this morning reeling with anxiety. I was really scared and did not know why or what was going to happen to me. It’s sort of similar to speeding past a State Highway Patrolman and seeing flashing lights in the rearview mirror, but one hundred fold as intense. I took my morning dose of medicine with a hot cup of coffee and tried to practice deep-breathing techniques. This helped and I am now writing about it.

11:00AM; I am still having trouble with anxiety so I am going to take another Clonazepam. Hopefully I will feel better in an hour or so.

1:00PM; I am finally feeling better. Thank God for Chemicals. All that previous anxiety has left me very tired, so I am going to take a short nap.

Nov 8 03

1:00PM; I am playing a wrestling game with Roger. It’s very fun, but I just cannot sit still for more than 5 minutes. I keep retreating to my room (safety). I do not understand this because I am doing so well. I’m going to try and stay and play more than one match. For some unknown reason, I’m afraid this will be very difficult. I’m smelling weird odors. For example: Roger’s room smells like urine, my room smells like a gym, downstairs smells like dog shit, and outside smells like cigarettes. I can’t find any reason for this. It must be some sort of hallucination.

10:00PM; I ate dinner at 9PM now I have to wait until 11PM to take my bedtime dose. I am watching TV in my room. It’s some horror movie about gigantic snakes. I find these movies amusing because they are comedy compared to the very real horror of auditory and visual hallucinations. My family has just come home from a medieval dinner show. The house is still full of smoke from my attempt to fry a hamburger at 9:00. Everyone now knows that I ate dinner.

11:00PM; I just took my bedtime dose of meds, and am sitting downstairs with Mom and Grandma talking about their dinner show. After a half hour we all decided to call it a night.

Nov 9 03

12:00PM; I just woke up and am feeling quite rested, even though I now am 3 hours late for my morning dose. I am taking my first dose with a cup of coffee now. Everyone has gone to church. I feel serene and calm.

1:00PM; I called Mom on her cell phone and found that my family is at a restaurant eating lunch. I asked her why nobody woke me up for church. She thought that I would be uncomfortable at the large service Aaron was not conducting the service. She also said that another person was giving the sermon.

3:00PM; I took my noon dose of medicine with a cup of coffee. Grandma called for help from her room downstairs, so I went to see what was wrong. She was in alot of lower back pain and could not get comfortable in bed. Mom and I got her situated and I brought her my heating bpad and a dose of Motrin to ease her back pain. I went outside and smoked a cigarette, then returned to my room.

5:00PM; Roger’s cousins; Nick, John, and Brian, came over to spend the night. Nick has a 7PM soccer game that Roger wants to see.

10:00PM; All of the kids have gone to sleep. Now it’s my turn. I am taking my bedtime dose with alot of hope, since I am beginning to hear voices that are telling me to hurt myself.

1:00AM; I still have not had any sleep. I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. I tried watching TV to focus on other things, but my thoughts are coming out of the TV. I took an extra haldol and Clonazepam with hopes of getting off this rollercoaster. I hope I can sleep.

4:00AM; The voices are now unbearable, so I am going to call in the cavalry. It’s time to wake up Mom. Mom made me some Chamomile tea, and we sat down and talked me down. We decided that nothing was going to stop the voices, so Mom gave me some Diphenhydramine. Within 20 minutes I began to feel sleepy.

Nov 10 03

12:00PM; I had set my alarm to take my 9AM dose. I took my medicine and went back to sleep. Now, I am feeling quasi-normal again.

9:00PM; I am feeling that racy, pre-hallucination state of conscience. Every thing is brighter; I am feeling an edgy euphoria. Therefore, I am going to take an extra Haldol and artane. Hopefully this will stop the process.

11:00PM; I am out of the loop of hallucinations. I feel confident that I will sleep through the night and have dreams.

Nov 11 03

12:00PM; I feel a general sense of apathy and will probably no make any entries today.

Nov 12 03

2:00PM; I woke up fro the second time. I had set my alarm for my 9:30AM dose and went back to lseep. By this time (2PM), it was time to take my 2PM dose. Now I am going to get up and have a cup of coffee.

3PM; Roger and Megan just came home from school. Roger is in a good mood for once! I am very happy for him

5PM; I am feeling awake and rested. I wish every day was just like this.

Nov 14 03

8AM; I set my alarm for 9:30AM, but I didn’t sleep because I had severe sinus pain.

10:50AM; I went to the doctor’s office and found that my sinus infection was worse than I had thought. The largest problem was finding sinus medication and antibiotics that would not have adverse effects in conjunction with my Psychiatric drugs.

1PM; I returned home and slept for a few hours

6PM; Since it is Grandma’s 86th Birthday there is a party, and that means alot of people. I never could stand crowds because I tend to listen to everything all at once. This causes tremendous anxiety attacks, so I took another Clonazepam.

9PM; I am starting to feel and sense surrealism. The only way I can describe it is everything is like Virtual reality; real and yet distorted.

11PM; I am hearing strange noises and voices. I told Mom and she told me to take an extra Haldol. I took the extra Haldol and hoped that it would take effect as soon as possible.

12AM; The Haldol isn’t working, but I tell Mom that I am going to try to sleep.

Nov 15 03

7AM; My anxiety and audible hallucinations have made me lose a night’s sleep. I am taking my morning dose of medicines now with a cup of coffee. Nobody is up at this time so I am going for a walk with Buddy. We walked until my symptoms subsided.

10:30AM; I am thinking clearly now, but I am still being tortured by anxiety/panic attacks, so I am taking an extra Clonazepam

12PM; I am really tired right now because of the last 24 hrs. I am going to take a nap to catch up on some sleep.

5PM; I am awakened by Buddy, who has to urinate. I took my 5PM dose of medicines and took Buddy out for a potty walk.

10PM; I talked to Mom and told her that I probably will not be waking her up in the middle of the night because I am not detached and I have a firm grip on reality. I feel confident and safe. This is a good time to go to bed.

Nov 16 03

8AM; I woke up, took my medicine, and went back to sleep.

12PM; I have just awakened from a long needed sleep. I feel semi-tired and am looking forward to spending time with Roger today.

Nov 17 03

8AM; I am awake and full of anxiety. I took my morning dose with a cup of coffee and hoped it would help.

9AM; still feeling anxiety to a great extent. I was curled in a ball and the floor. Sweat was soaking my clothes. SO I called my Psychiatrist’s office and requested a call back.

1:15PM; Dr. Anders called me and I told him my problems. He suggested more Haldol (10mg) at midnight I desperately hope he is right because I cannot withstand another day like the past two weeks.

7PM; the anxiety has subsided, and I am feeling more comfortable. Grandma told me that her father had the same problem as I have now. The only difference was they did not have modern medicine in the 1920’s. I cannot fathom how much he must have suffered.

Nov 18 03

12PM; I am awake from an incident free sleep. I feel real edgy. I think this is due to the fact that I did not take an Artane with the midnight dose of Haldol.

6PM; I am playing a Playstation game with Roger. It’s good to spend time with my son when I am able.

Nov 19 03

5PM; I have spent the whole day in bed suffering from apathy. I just now got out of bed to face the world. Nobody knows what it’s like to have apathy, except the mentally ill.

6PM; I just put in a fast-paced workout with Roger. He has been a real asset in pushing me into working out. If it were not for him I would probably lounge around and get fat.

Nov 20 03

7AM; I woke up with alot of anxiety, so I took my morning medicines, then I went back to sleep.

10AM; My alarm woke me up. I am feeling good, but tired at this time. I drank my usual Whey Protein shake, which has those important Branch-CHained-Amino-Acids that really help my medicines work to their peak efficacy.

12PM; I took a long steamy shower to drain my sinuses. I was still feeling tired, so I drank two cups of coffee.

5PM; I’m finally feeling awake. I am not feeling any anxiety, apathy or detachment. I feel on top of the world.

10PM; I am finally putting in a workout with Roger. (I laid down earlier and just now woke up). I feel great!

Nov 21 03

All Day; I am in and out of bed, plagued by anxiety and apathy.

Nov 22 03

3PM; I woke up at 2:30PM and took my protein milkshake. Today is vastly dissimilar to yesterday. I feel wide awake and have no anxiety whatsoever.

6:30PM; I am starting to become detached. This is a state of consciousness where my mind goes into the back of my awareness. It is my warning that I am about to start hallucinating. I can’t stop the process. The rest of the night is going to be like controlling a Tiger by the tail.

Nov 23 03

2PM; I’ve been up and detached for two hours now. Now I’m starting to see and hear things. I went downstairs to ask dad what to do. He said go for a walk or do something physical. I made it half way down the driveway. All of a sudden the driveway went vertical into the sky. Then I fell flat on my face. I got up and tried to continue walking down the driveway. I made it to the mail box, and then the mailbox turned into a leprechaun. This leprechaun chased me all the way up the driveway. Buddy could sense I was scared. SO he started barking (Buddy almost never barks). I Made it inside, and told my dad that exercise only made it worse. I am not going outside, because of that god damn leprechaun! I’m going to lie down in Roger’s Room. Until I can focus enough to take my medicine.

(This is Roger. My dad seems to be sweating alot and breathing very deeply.)

6PM; After 2 doses of my medication, I am no longer hallucinating. I feel very tired and exhausted. My arms and legs are rubbery and lack the usual strength that they usually have.

Nov 24 03

3PM; I woke up tired and “CRISPY” from a long fitful sleep. I took my meds with 2 cups of coffee and a whey protein shake.

3:30PM; I am really awake now. I feel relaxed, yet ready for the day to come. I pray that yesterday will not be repeated. I am not noticing any of the telltale signs of impending hallucinations, like detachment or overwhelming anxiety at this time.

6PM; I worked out very hard and burned off any anxiety that I had. I drank a protein shake. All of these workouts are going to help me attain my goal of losing 50lbs. I now weigh 250lbs. I hope to be around 200lbs by Spring. These hard work outs also release endorphins, which leave me feeling as in touch with reality.

Nov 25 03

6AM; I was awakened by severe anxiety. I immediately took my morning dose with a cup of coffee. I decided to stay up and take a nap in the afternoon.

10AM; My mother and I took Grandma to the doctor and found out that she had a respiratory infection. This worried me alot. I was upset. Pneumonia could kill her. I am very close to my grandmother.

12PM; Mom decided to treat us to lunch at the Mustard Seed. We saw cousin Bobby there. I was feeling alot of anxiety because I was worried about Grandma.

6PM; I just woke up from a short nap. I was feeling less anxious. I was feeling somewhat detached. I was having a hard time holding a thought for very long.

10PM; I put in an intense workout with Roger. Next, i Took my bedtime medicines and waited for them to work. I wanted to alleviate my anxiety over Grandma’s condition.

11:30PM; I fell asleep

Nov 27 03

12PM; I woke up because Roger wanted to get a workout in before the relatives came over for Thanksgiving. I took my medicines with 2 cups of coffee. We worked out and got our respective showers. I am feeling very detached today and will not eat with the family.

3PM; The relatives are here and I have retreated to my bedroom. I took an extra Clonazepam to calm down my anxiety, but even that could not help me with my overwhelming sense of detachment. I am afraid to sit down with my family because I feel like they are all judging me. Besides, how could i eat with butterflies in my stomach?

6PM; I got into an argument with Megan and Carol over an innocent word. I ended up telling them both to fuck off. I will never tolerate baby sisters trying to control me. Feeling detached, I retreated to my room and cuddled with Buddy.

Nov 28 03

No entry because of generalized apathy.

Nov 29 03

1PM; I woke up and felt more alert. Anxiety was high, but Clonazepam soon lowered it.

3PM; Very low anxiety and wanted Mom to take me to the store to get cigarettes and coffee. Mom said she would take me in a few hours. I felt frustrated because I was out of cigarettes.

6PM; I felt soreness in all of my muscles. I felt a little detached, but not to warn me of impending hallucinations. I actually feel better since Dr. Anders raised my dose of Haldol to 50mg per day.

Nov 30 03

1PM; I just woke up after a 15 hours of sleep. I was supposed to go to my brother Jeremy’s house for Brian’s birthday. Apathy kept me from going anywhere this early in my waking up cycle.

3PM; My Mother called and asked if I still wanted to go to the party. I said yes and I’d be showered and shaved by the time she picked me up. She was here so I made it to Brian’s 5th birthday party. I was apprehensive as to how well I’d do, because of the volume of people there.

4:30PM; I just got home from the party I felt as though everyone was watching me and judging me. I managed to go into their basement and watch my nephews and Brother Jeremy’s father in law play air hockey. Only three people in a large room was much more comfortable than the crowd upstairs.

Nov 31 03

7AM; I woke up and took all of my medicines but Effexor, which has to be taken with food. I went back to sleep.

10AM; I woke up and took my Effexor with a whey protein drink. I also had two cups of coffee. Groggy eyed, I went downstairs to say, ‘good morning’ to dad, mom and grandma. I had a cigarette and played with Buddy.

4PM; I am very tired from diarrhea. I am going to take a short nap before I work out with Roger. I took Imodium AD and I am sure the cramps with my abdominal area will go away. I have alot of anxiety now, and I hope it won’t affect my nap.

Dec 04 03

9AM; Waking up was like trying to crawl out of a black hole. I have been feeling as detached as can be.

11AM; I’m at the dentist’s office for my very first filling. I was so detached that the Novacaine and the dentist’s drill did not scare me or affect me in any way.

Dec 05 03

11AM; At this time all this bullshits going threw my mind. I think I am going to have a talk with my mom and dad.

2PM; Had a talk with mom but didn’t get anywhere. Had a talk with dad and told him he is not to discipline my son (Roger). He agreed except in the case Roger mouthing off to mom that is the only case in which he will discipline.

8PM; I can’t wait for my dad to get home with my Haldol and by Abilify. I’ve gone all day without them and am beginning to hallucinate audibly.

9PM; Dad got home and I immediately took my medicines. I have to sign off for today because I am in bad shape.

Dec 06 03

11AM; Waking up this morning was like coming off acid. I feel crispy after a night of hallucinations.

7PM; I’m very tired now but have no anxiety nor am I detached. I don’t get too many days like today. I am enjoying time spent with my son, Roger, and Buddy , my dog.

MEDICINES TAKEN EVERY DAY AS OF 12-3-03

ABILIFY – 30MG 1 MORNING, 1 QHS
AMBIEN – 10MG 1 QHS
ARTANE – 2 MG 1 QID
CLONAZEPAM-1MG 1 QID
HALDOL – 10 MG 1 QID, 1 QHS
EFFEXOR XR 150 MG 2 IN MORNING
BRANCH-CHAINED-AMINO-ACIDS-9GM 1 5XDAY
FLAX SEED OIL 1 TSP 5 X DAY

Dec 07 03

3PM; My family went to Emily’s house to celebrate a birthday. I stayed home because of the traumatic feelings I get every time I go around large groups of people. Besides, I don’t want to insult anyone by going to a vacant room just to get away.

6PM; I am feeling a little detached. My anxiety level is high, but I had a Clonazepam with my 5:00PM dose, which will calm me down. I do not know what to do about my detachment until I take my Abilify tonight.

Dec 08 03

11PM; I spent all day today in deep thought. I was in and out of reality and full of apathy. Rarely did I get out of bed, except to go to the bathroom.

Dec 10 03

11AM; Now that I have gotten all of medicines straightened out I am a new man! It’s truly great to be alive when all of your medicines straightened out I am a new man! It’s truly great to be alive when all of your medicines are taken correctly. What happened was that I forgot to take my Abilify (anti-psychotic) for the past 4 days.

2-3PM; Mom and I conversed with the Social Security Administration to get me $200 more per month. They had all kinds of excuses that did not make any sense. We finally got to the bottom of it. My mom said she would charge anyone else $200 more than me. The Social Security Administration said this was a $200 a month income. Therefore, she faxed a letter stating I would be paying the same amount as anyone else. This corrected the problem.

8PM; I am still symptom free with the exception of psychotic anxiety. If it’s not one damn thing it’s another. I really hope they come up with a drug other than Clonazepam to combat psychotic anxiety, which is alot harder to deal with than common anxiety. Psychotic anxiety has a strong paranoia component to it. It also quite literally scares the piss out of you.

Dec 11 03

12PM; I went to see my Psychologist, Dr. Charles today. I left the appointment feeling as though a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. I told him about my forgetfulness surrounding the last several days taking my medications incorrectly.

Dec 12 03

2PM; I woke up at 12:30PM, took my medicine, drank my protein and puked it all up. This left me with a dilemma; should I retake my medicine or should i forget about it and go to bed? I took my Abilify and Clonazepam and went on to drink my coffee.

2:30PM; I took my 2:00PM dose and was not bothered by the recurrent nausea but there I go again; totally fucking up my medicine. Today should prove to be an interesting day.

5PM; I’m feeling awfully weird on the verge of psychotic. Smells, tastes, and sound are intermixed, a sort of synesthesia.

8PM; The previous psychotic symptoms have subsided. All I can say is THANKS GOD!

Dec 13 03

10AM; I have just finished taking my medicines, my coffee, and my whey drink. I’m ready to take on the day.

1PM; I am having a good day. Normally, I stay in my room. Now I have gone outside to play with my dog, Buddy, and went down our 400ft driveway to get the mail. I have alot of energy and pep.

6pm: I am losing my pep so I am going to drink a couple of cups of coffee. When Roger returns from playing paintball. I’ll have to workout. Here he comes up the stairs so I must sign off to go lift weights.

Dec 18 03

1AM; I haven’t been able to write for a while now. This is because I have been going through a period off staying in my room and in bed due to Apathy and depreessive anxiety.

4AM; I am awake and hearing voices that are telling me that I can’t trust anyone, even my doctor. I took an additional Haldol and am waiting for it to work. Meanwhile I am going to ask Mom up to sit with me until the Haldol takes effect.

6AM; Mom made Chamomile tea and we talked until now. The Haldol is working I can’t go back to sleep, so I made a cup of coffee and used it to take my morning dose.

8AM; I am still awake and full of nervous energy. I don’t like this, but it is better than the last few days, when I was apathetic and full of psychotic anxiety.

3PM; I’m having trouble just dealing with life today. Nothing is as it seems.

Dec 20 03

2PM; I went to bed at 2:30AM, so I am still sleepy. I am hoping for a day like yesterday, put it’s too early to tell.

7PM; I just woke up from a 3 hour nap. I am full of psychotic anxiety. I don’t know how to stop them. Therefore; I am trying to watch a movie with Grandma.

9PM; Grandma and I hated the movie. I’m tired, so I’m going to bed.

Dec 31 03

I have not been writing for 10 days now. This is because I was severely depressed and almost suicidal.

3PM; I just got my thoughts together and am thinking about the rollercoaster life I live. Some of my family members think that I can just snap out of it. Nobody but other Schizophrenics can understand the severity of psychotic torture that I endure.

January 1 04

9AM; Because I fell asleep at 4AM, I really did not sleep enough. I took my 9AM dose of medicines, and drank 4 cups of coffee to stay alert. I don’t know how today is going to turn out.

1PM; My anxiety is sky high. I don’t know if it was the coffee or the lack of sleep that brought this one. It sure is a good thing my next dose is only an hour away.

6PM; My anxiety level is at the threshold of Panic attacks. I find that little things are pissing me off. I dare not take an extra Clonazepam, because I have not the permission from Dr. Anders.

Jan 2 04

4PM; I’m having a good day. I woke up at 3PM. My family is out to get Megan a new car.

5PM; I was inside the garage with Grandma when she fell down pretty hard. She lacerated her elbow and hit her head. This gave me alot of anxiety. SO much so, I was dripping with sweat. Grandma handled this better than I did.

8PM; Mom and Dad finally checked her out

Jan 3 04

12AM; Susan ended up sewing up Grandma’s elbow.

2AM; I woke up hallucinating both audibly and visually. I woke up Mom to sit with me and tie me to reality. I felt like Peter Pan, trying to get his shadow back.

3AM; I am still hallucinating. Mom told me that I must take some Haldol. I took 20mg. When I went back downstairs, She asked me how much I had taken. I told her. She thought 10mg would do it, but she understood that I needed to come down ASAP.

4AM; The Haldol started working, so I went to bed.

2PM: I woke up wondering if I had dreamed about all of last night until I looked in my diary.

6PM; Mom just took me to get cigarettes at Country Counter. When we returned we learned that Gtrandma had fallen again. This time, Grandma had a goose egg on her left eye.

Jan 04 04

1PM; Dad was really rude to me, so I told him that he was a very rude person. He told me that he was going to kick me out. I just wish he would mellow out. He is always a mean old fart.

2PM; Mom and I are going to get me whey protein. We may go to the movie: possibly Peter Pan.

6PM; Mom and I just returned from the Tops grocery store and Vitamin World (to get my whey protein)

7PM I called Roger, so he would know I would be at the airport with mom to pick him up. I am still upset with dad and will never take his abuse again.

11PM; I woke up to take my midnight medicine. Buddy was hungry, so I fed him: I couldn’t sleep until 3am, so I made use of my time by spending it with Buddy.

Jan 05 04

5PM; We just came home from picking Roger up at the airport. We are now going to help my brother Dean move into the basement. I am still feeling alot of paranoia and anxiety.

9PM; A nap helped with my paranoia, but not the anxiety. I turned out that Dean was finishing moving in, so Roger and I both took naps. For neither of us got much sleep the past night.

Jan 6 04

5PM; I woke up at 4PM. What a wonderful sleep! I am really feeling good today. No anxiety! No psychotic symptoms!

10PM; I am still feeling great. I had a great workout. My anxiety is coming back, I don’t know why, but over all this has truly been a great day.

Jan 10 04

5PM; I woke up at 4pm, I had went to bed at 6am. I hope I don’t get my sleeping schedule screwed up. I dreamed about the Anaconda Pythons that I saw on animal planet. Some were big enough to eat a man. I’m talking about 30 foot long snakes. I am feeling good, sense I slept and dreamed.

Jan 11 04

4PM; I’m having another good day so far. I slept great, dreamed and I woke up peacefully.

6PM; Since Roger and mom have been out all day, I have been spending my time with Buddy the dog. He is a very fat but good dog. He doesn’t give me attitude to deal with. I hope Roger gets home soon so we can watch Steven Seagals latest movie, “belly of the Beast”

7PM; Mom and Roger returned from the force soccer game. They had a great time. I personally think it’s good for Roger to spend time with my mom.

11PM; The movie was outstanding. Roger and I really enjoyed it. As a matter of fact, this whole day was the best in a long time. I’m now going to bed.

Jan 12 04

5PM; Roger found my stamp collection. Oh, what a happy day this is. I can finally have the means to put him through college. I feel although a great weight is lifted off my shoulders.

Jan 13 04

9AM; I have had another great day. Although I am feeling sped up. I doubt that I will sleep tonight. I pray I don’t hallucinate.

Jan 14 04

6AM; I have not slept all night because of hallucinations. I should have taken another Haldol when my mind was all sped up.

4PM; I looked in my medicine tray for yesterday. And found two Haldols wedged in the corner. This type of mistake is usually why I hallucinate.

Jan 15 04

5PM; I wake up early this morning, so I don’t have my usual pop and energy. To combine this, I have had six cups of coffee, spread out over the next few hours. I know that this is going to cause anxiety, but I have a long list of things to do.

Jan 17 04

6PM; Today has been another great day. No Hallucinations. No anxiety. Today has also been very boring. I haven’t put in any entries for a few days now. I have had mostly symptom free, so I have enjoyed life and the tranquility of a quiet mind.

Jan 21 04

2PM; I am very upset, yet aloof, about grandma going to the hospital until there’s an opening at the nursing home.

Jan 22 04

2AM; I am back to the anxiety and hallucinations. I woke up mom, and she sat with me until an extra Haldol took effect.

2PM; I just woke up. I am full of anxiety and I feel just awful. The fact that grandma is going into a nursing home is making me upset to the point of anxiety/panic attacks.

Jan 23 04

3PM; I woke up because Buddy had to urinate outside. I am feeling well and hae been taking my meds correctly for a week now.

Jan 24 04

9AM; I am really excited that grandma is coming home today. I don’t know why my anxiety goes up when good things are about to happen. It apparently goes up whether I’m feeling good or bad. When she arrives I will sit next to her for the rest of the day.

Jan 27 04

5PM; From 11am till now I’m taking care of grandma. She is really having a ruff time today. This is causing a great deal of anxiety on me.

9PM; Grandmas night meds is given to her.

10PM; Grandmas night dose kicked in now its time for me to go to bed.

Jan 29 04

10PM; Today went very fast. Taking care of grandma has left me tired and in lower back pain. She can no longer move. I’ve had to carry her, lift her and adjust her in bed.

Feb 05 04

8PM; Grandma has pulled out of her stroke. I finally can return to this diary. Tomarrow, I get to see Dr. Anders. I haven’t been hallucinating as much. However I have been quite detached at times to the point where I wasn’t hearing people even if they screamed at me. I’m not driving because of this.

Feb 06 04

3PM; After seeing Dr. Anders, I was and am elated. He said that except for the detachment, I was having a remission.

Feb 08 04

3PM; Uncle Jack, Aunt Sue and Aunt Linda came over for a visit. They were a little on the downside.

Feb 10 04

10PM; It seems although I have spent all day either sleeping or watching grandma. I think that both of us are in low gear. The exception being I have had a high level of anxiety.

Feb 19 04

12 AM; I am hearing multiple voices coming at me. I can’t sort them out. This sucks. I am going to talk to mom

1AM; Mom told me to take another Haldol, so I did.

2AM The voices have stopped.

4AM; I’m going to sleep now.

1PM; I just woke up to a noisy sound in my room. Yes, the voices have returned. I’m gunna call Dr. Anders.

4PM; Dr. Anders said to take an extra Haldol every day until this psychotic “flare up” goes away.

Feb 21 04

11AM; I wake up at 10am, which is very unusual for me. Right now I am full of anxiety and generalized confusion due to all the voices I am hearing.

9PM; Grandma needs help from her wheel chair to her bed. This usually is a snap however I am hearing voices telling me not to do it. After I asked mom to help me, she didn’t know I was tripping. I felt more at ease helping grandma.

Feb 22 04

9PM; I spent the entire day helping grandma, while I was detached or hearing voices. This is very difficult to do.

Feb 25 04

7PM; I’ve not had any hallucinations today. However I’ve been battling anxiety to the point of sweats.

9PM; The anxiety has abstained, I am looking forward to an excellent. evening.

Feb 26 04

6PM; I have been hearing voices all day telling me to do this or that. Today is one of those days when I have ringing in my ears from all the voices.

Mar 01 04

3AM; Had to wake up Dad because hallucinations were unbearable. Dad said to take an additional Haldol.

5PM; Feeling normal except for a bad sinus headache

Mar 02 04

12PM; Hallucinations drove me to put in a call to Dr. Anders.

1:15PM Dr. Anders called and told me to take an extra Haldol.

11PM; The extra Haldol did not help. I am hearing voices.

Mar 04 04

1AM; I am not thinking too well. Buddy my dog is giving me a lecture about hygiene, so I went to take a shower. The shower was filled with rats. I didn’t feel like taking one anymore.

10:30PM; I have finally stopped hallucinating. I hope that this is not temporary. I will just have to see as time goes by.

Mar 05 04

10PM; No hallucinations, no anxiety, good uneventful day.

Mar 14 04

I have not had many symptoms or troubles for the last 10 days, so I did not have any journal entries.

11PM; Today was a difficult day. Relatives and inlaws were here. At dinner time it was unbearable. All the people were talking at once. I ate a few pieces of corned-beef, then left for my room. I haven’t been out of my room since. Now, I am stressed out. I’m hearing voices and having severe anxiety. I am going to lay in bed and practice relaxation breathing.

Mar 15 04

11PM; I slept all day. It must have been the 2 cups of coffee I had this morning. Now I just wonder whether or not I will sleep tonight.

Mar 16 04

10PM; I was sleepy all day. Coffee didn’t help. It only brought on anxiety. At least I will sleep tonight.

Mar 17 04

2PM; I saw Dr. Anders today. He said that I was doing well due to BCAAs. My Artane was reduced to 3x day. He also said that I should take Melatonin 30 min before bedtime.

Mar 18 04

1PM; Dr. Charles called and said he made a mistake on my appt. that he wanted to see me tomorrow.

Mar 19 04

2PM; I went to Dr. Charles office and we spent an hour talking about being a father.

Mar 20 04

6PM; Saw Kevin and Brandon play hockey against an older team.

Mar 24 04

2:30PM; I just awake with a bad headache.

1PM; Gma Caldwell is dying so everyone was over for a drink with Dad.

Mar 25 04

11PM; We finally decided to put Gma into a nursing home. This realization was distressing to Mom, Dad, and me, but not as much as it would be if we would have to continue taking care of her at home.

Mar 26 04

1:30AM; Gma Caldwell just died. I gave Dad a Hug.

June 19 04

2:30PM; I’ve been having hallucinations for 7 days now. Right now I am hearing voices and seeing flashes of light.

10:17PM; Someday I’d like have a normal life: You know job, wife, Roger and a truck. It gets pretty fukin boring watching things breath that have no lungs.

June 20 04

1:25PM; I’m feeling a little bit detached. The Benadryl sometimes does that to me.

4:15PM; Sam and Katie came over for a “cook out”

June 21 04

11AM; I woke up refreshed from a tortured sleep. It seemed as though I was up all night.

7PM; I’ve been tired and detached all day long. I still feel this way. I hope I sleep tonight and have a better Tomorrow!

June 22 04

8:20PM; I told Maria that Roger might want to go to Fla. I’m feeling sad that Roger might have said that I was smoking pot.

June 23 04

3PM; I am feeling better. The issue w/ Roger does not concern me for I did not smoke any pot. Mom seems to be overwhelmed by it. I not in any way detached at this moment. I feel however that I am going to have some hallucinations at a later time in the day.

June 24 04

2:30PM; I woke up fine except for anxiety as I would expect after a good sleep. Today at 4PM I get to see Dr. Charles. I have a lot to talk about.

8PM; The appt. w/ Dr. Charles was one of my better ones. I am now feeling quite detached. I’m trying very hard to concentrate.

June 25 04

1PM; I’m in for another boring day (sarcasm)

2:30PM; Today sucks. I feel a tremendous feeling of anxiety. I wonder if all schizophrenics go through depression and apathy the way I do on a daily basis.

June 26 04

7PM; I’m definitely going to call Dr. Anders and tell him about these fucking hallucinations.

10PM; I am going to take 10mg Haloperidol extra tonight. Hopefully, I’ll stop hallucinating.

June 27 04

3PM; I’m so bothered by hallucinations that I think I’m going to lose my mind.

June 29 04

8PM; Dr. Anders temporarily increased me from 30mg Haloperidol to 40mg Haloperidol yesterday. Today, I am relieved of the hallucinations, but not the sense of detachment.

July 04 04

1:30PM; I awake to find nobody home. For once I am feeling quite normal.

5PM; I ate a couple of pieces of grain bread and the flour and grains must have caused my face turn reddish and my eyes glossy.

July 05 04

3:30PM; I’m feeling a little trippy today. A sense of aloofness is included.

7PM; All day, I’ve felt trippy and aloof.

July 06 04

11AM; Mom gave Buddy a bath. He smells much better than before. I am feeling a dull anxiety at this time.

7:30PM; I am hearing voices. I just wish they’d shut up!

July 07 04

4PM; Last night was a blast. I was sober at a drinkemup joint. I simply had the time of my life.

July 09 04

6PM; Last night I forgot to take my night dose. This morning I was tripping. This after noon, I was hearing voices. Now I am not sure whether to “eat this” “drink that” as in Alice in Wonderland.

July 10 04

1PM; I just woke up. I’m feeling better than yesterday. Not tripping or voices. However; I do have a sense of detachment.

7PM; I am starting to feel lousy again. Every imaginable hallucination is going on. I’m pretty darn frustrated.

July 11 04

3:30PM; I’m a little panicky. I don’t feel like going outside.

5PM; I would kill for a egg-salad sandwhich I don’t know why. I could just taste it.

July 13 04

2PM; I helped Dad w/ the guitar room. I’m having Anxiety for the most part of my consciousness.

July 14 04 (Blood is on this page of the notebook)

2PM; I am feeling nauseous and tired. Axel woke me up at 5:30AM, and I could not get back to sleep.

July 15 04

5PM; I just finished talking with Dr. Charles we talked about parenting skills.

No one saw things as I did. No one believed the things I thought were happening to me. The longer this continued, the worse it became. Before long, I thought my house was being wire-tapped and that my food could possibly be poisened. Now living at home with my parents, I did not want to endanger them so I kept things to myself.

My parents sent to to a psychiatrist. They were worried because I was not working. I graduated from college while working part-time as well as being involved in college clubs. Now, I was sleeping in until ten or eleven o’clock in the morning and often not working. The psychiatrist offered to prescribe me an anti-depressant, because I never told him what I thought was really happening to me. If I talked, things would surely get worse.

Eventually, it became intolerable. I believed my neighbors were plotting against me. I left notes in their mailboxes demanding that they leave me alone. "Enough is enough," I wrote. One of the neighbors was an FBI agent. I thought he was behind the wire-tapping. One of the other neighbors caught me, and the next day I was given the choice of going to the Crisis Center or going to jail. I chose the Crisis Center and was hospitalized.

During my stay at the hospital, I was prescribed Risperdal. At that time, it was a new medication and I was told I responded well to it. I no longer believed people were out to get me. The hospital staff was pleased with me because I showered every day and attended all the patient activities. I was the only patient that wore street clothes. They said I might be able to hold a job.

After getting out, I was determined to be normal. I found a part-time job as a sales associate in a department store, then worked full-time for a lumber retail store chain. I did not mind the jobs, but wanted to use my college education. Writing always appealed to me, so I enrolled in a few classes at a local university and worked as a "stringer" at a weekly newspaper. The position went well, and I was hired by a daily newspaper.

The job did not last long. I stopped taking the medication because I had a difficult time keeping up. I was also extremely self-conscious because I was approaching my thirties and was not on my own yet. People at work teased me about things I could do nothing about. As a result of being off the medication, I turned in articles that made little sense and quoted people as saying things they never said. The managing editor had a meeting with me and told me he was concerned. He said he contacted the editor of the weekly where I worked as a stringer and and my past professors about my ability to do the job. I denied there was anything wrong and was soon fired.

After that, I refused to take the medication. I worked through labor temporary services and factories. The longest I held a job was for nine months. It was on the "grave yard shift" for a a plastics factory. I managed to get my own place, but young people moved in next door and were having parties every weekend. On my days away from the job, it made it difficult to sleep. I asked them to stop a few times, and they became angry.

One evening, they did not have a party. Three of them cornered me and swore at me. They would not let me in my place. I was afraid and confused. No one was that mad at me before. A fight broke out and I could not get away from them. The police broke it up and I was sent to the hospital with an eye swollen shut and they were sent to jail.

After getting out of the hospital, I did not want to go back to the apartment. I returned to my parents’ house, but they did not want me back without the medication. After repeated talks and my refusal to take the medication, they locked me out. I would wait on the porch for them for hours, and they would let me back in. We argued and I was eventually hospitalized again.

Following the hospitalization, I was sent to a halfway house. My days and evenings were spent with other people that had mental illness. During this time, I had to accept the that I was sick and that my life would be different. There was no where to go and no one to do things with that did not have a mental illness. I heard many peoples’ experiences and it helped me not to fight or ignore the fact that I was mentally ill.

For the past four years, I have been working at an agency that houses the homeless and mentally ill. It is the longest I have held a job since I graduated college almost fifteen years ago. I worked part-time for two years and was then hired into a full-time position. It was hard not to bounce around when things were not going well or I wished they were different, but it has been very rewarding. I get to see people come and go rather than leaving and starting over again.

When a movie was presented to me by my parents, I often thought it contained a hidden message. I watched attentively throughout the movie Gattaca waiting for the message to appear. I stared in wonder at the lengths Ethan Hawk would go through to become of the elite. I sat patiently hooked to my screen while Hawk and his brother took a swim across the lake. I waited and waited until we reached the very end of the movie. Than the message my parents were trying to get across was clear: I was going on a trip.

I didn’t think much of this hidden message; I just shaved, showered and brushed my teeth like I did every night. I went to bed expecting nothing but sleep. But something wasn’t quite right… Startling white images awoke me in the middle of the night. My eyes widened… I had just been flashed with an image which resulted in me gasping for air. A giant spider had been hanging from the ceiling in front of me. The best metaphor to be used is this: every flash felt like I was bungee jumping in ice cold water while being in full darkness. There was a feeling of zero gravity mixed with coldness. This element of abnormality really shook me to the core and it remains the worst feeling I have ever felt. I was physically having problems breathing. My body started to shiver uncontrollably and forced me into a small ball. After the 4th flash, I started desperately whispering “please stop” and began repeating my friend’s name over and over. The flashes stopped and I remained in a panicked death grip throughout the night; a deer in the headlights, completely frozen.

Memories of last night’s movie stayed in my head; maybe my parents were telling me I needed to take this trip again. The next day I woke up filled with purpose. Even though I failed the trip – I told them to stop – I was determined to do whatever it took. I believed I would die in the process but would be reborn. I said to myself that I wasn’t ready for the trip, I didn’t know what to expect therefore this time I can prepare and do better. How do you prepare for death? I figured if people wanted me dead it was for a good cause and that it would somehow grant me a life of privilege or respect in the next. I didn’t mention it to my family because I thought they hinted I had failed. I played a heavy dose of Burnout 3 for the xbox that day. The speed and the music always calmed my nerves.

The following night I was in panic mode. I prepared numerous candles and incense. But most importantly I prepared a playlist of the most peaceful music I had in my collection. I figured these preparations would give me the edge I needed. The method of waking up really frightened me, I figured I would wake up like Neo in the Matrix or wake up a long hallway. The hallway would have a point of light at the end and would be filled with aliens from all planets. I didn’t sleep all night; I was still in shock. I became convinced that in order for this to occur (or start), I had to be asleep. And I really wanted to get it over with. But days became weeks and weeks became months. I would be up to sometimes six in the morning, wide awake, listening to my carefully chosen playlist. Exhaustion set in and eventually forced me to sleep every night. Nothing happened. I was confused by this situation and wondered if I had missed my one chance. The long anxiety filled days really burned me out. I became obsessed with that one horrible night. Eventually I broke down and came to my mother telling her I did not want to go on this trip. She brought me to the hospital.

Part II -The secret society:

My hospital stay gave me quite a bit of time for thinking. Boredom controlled me and my paranoid thoughts gave birth. This boredom (sitting looking at a wall all day) became a method of slow torture. I was determined to get out of the hospital at any cost. Therefore, while my delusions were getting worse, I was denying them to everyone. I became much more introverted and started to depend only on myself.

Because of the insane amount of time I had on my hands, my delusions grew. I started looking for clues about the trip and why I failed it. I began to think people spoke in riddles. They weren’t allowed to tell me the truth but they could hint at it. That was the law. For you see this group had laws. This opened up more ideas, the thought that an organization lived. I searched for theses hidden messages in every word and phrase. Hoping to find answers to all these questions I had. I would twist words around and around and find new meanings. I became convinced these people were not real doctors or nurses.

I started hearing voices. The voices were misinterpretations of what people were saying. In the hospital there is a lot of noise in the background. The voices I heard varied from every subject, but most importantly it mirrored what I was thinking. For example if I was pondering about death someone would say “you’re going to hell”. This gave birth to the idea of mind reading.

Mind reading crippled me. I became very paranoid of everyone, thinking they judged everything I thought or did. And getting judged by every comment can get very frustrating and angering. Because of the intense attention through my delusions, I began to feel really burnout.

I thought this organization had big plans for me since I was getting so much feedback. I began to think they weren’t just an organization but a secret society. And I was going through initiation period.

Eventually, I was released from the hospital with anti-psychotic medications… They did nothing for me other than provide me with panic attacks when I took them.

Part III – Mr Regina

Being released in the outside world really helped to calm my nerves. Having access to good food, music, video games and television really eradicated what I was trying to escape from: boredom. My delusions did not subside however, they became worse.

I thought the TV would often lecture me with some hidden agenda. A commercial with a little girl would mean I was acting like a little girl. A big man would mean I was acting like a big man. A luxury car would mean that I was on the right track. I would debate something in my head and flip the channels till I heard an answer. The answer would often be a metaphor.

I would sit at work looking at the cars. Each color would comment on my thinking. If I saw a blue car it would mean I was thinking sadly. If I saw a green car it would mean I was showing signs of growth. If I saw red car it would mean stop, white would mean we bring you peace.

I started to see signs everywhere. Traffic lights, stop signs, cars, movie previews, the color of the sky, advertising was a big one. A welldone truck would mean that I was doing some great thinking. A star on a bus would mean I was a star. Radio one would signify people were talking about me. This is why I began to think I was “Mr Regina”. I was the kid with great potential everyone put there time into.

I became so convinced that people knew me I would sit with strangers at coffee houses. I would randomly sit with a group of people and start listening, introducing myself, “yes I am the Greg, please to meet you”. I remember would old lady actually called me star, this just fuelled my delusions.

Groups began to scare me. So much judging, I had to constantly had to put on a nice imagine all the time. Never being rude in your mind is very difficult. I did my best to hide my rude comments and had blamed myself, my education, my society. I was constantly in defense mode. If I wanted to get into this secret society I had to be strong, polite and focused.

Months past and the attention drove me on the edge of insanity. I was tiered of being so stressed. I ended up watching TV one day hyperventilating while holding my mom’s hand. I remember the words on the tv so clearly, “your almost a legend”. My mom begged me to go to the hospital again, after half-hour of debate I told her this would be the last time.

After my sixth prescript on pills I finally found the right one. I started to doubt things, first mind reading, than everything sorta melted away.

There was a lot going on, and it’s difficult to grasp this all. The best I can explain it is severe culture shock, being jolted to the streets of China all alone.