Schizophrenia Diaries

I was diagnosed officially when I was 19 years old. For many years I had suspected…something…I come from a family of mental illness so I knew it was there possibly. When I was younger, round 8 or 9, teachers in my school suspected something was askew. I seen therapist and doctors because of this suspicion but something inside me told me to, “put the mask on” to say. I almost always had this other side that guided me through a lot of things…at first I thought it was just really good instincts.

Over the years I had began to identify certain aspects of my disorder. I learned to identify the sounds, and hallucinations I had. I never have been medicated nor do I want to be. I think that if I medicate myself I will lose a part of my own self control…even though it seems to me I am trying to control that which cannot be controlled. The sounds I hear are usually one word commands or short phrases, and most the time they are being screamed at me. At night, before I try to sleep, they tend to be worse. Usually I hear voices yelling, “NO!” or “STOP!” or I will hear someone yelling for me or a familiar voice it seems saying something to me but I never can make it out. When I try to sleep I hear this whispering sound, like a room full of people, sometimes seeming like 20-30 voices all whispering, and I can never make it out, other than a couple of words here and there. This makes it almost impossible for me to sleep, and sometimes I go days without sleeping. I am
currently advised to see a doctor because my blood pressure is so high because my body does not sleep. Not only that my appearance has changed from lack of sleep, my eyes always give me away.

I see things, but they are almost always quick and sudden. I see something in front me and when it registers in my head of what I saw, when I turn to look again, it’s gone. Sometimes I see things though that don’t go away so easily. I was once in Tampa, and I was at a party that I was dragged to and this neighborhood was backed next to a swamp. I had decided to take a walk out by the swamp just to get away from the people mainly because they were not the kind of people I wanted to even try to associate with. I was standing next to this small pond, it was dark, and very little light, but I could see pretty well. I stood looking at the water, and then I noticed a face in the water, looking at me. Then I noticed another one, and another one. Then about 10 or so faces were slowly rising out of the water and coming towards me. I was gripped with fear to be honest, and I do not fear many things. I began to notice these faces were not alive. They had frozen eyes staring at
me, and their faces were drawn tight. Their skin was decayed and I began to notice a smell in the air. They rose their heads only about half way out of the water and stared at me. I began to back away and then they went back under very slowly. I took a few moments to calm myself down and collect what I had seen. I later went home and realized I was hallucinating in a very bad way.

Many times I fight with a voice in my head that tells me stupid shit. I get this overwhelming urge to act on what is being thought or said and it’s like I am there for a ride that I can not control. Most the time this voice leads me in a right direction, but sometimes when I get to the point of no going back and that voice has lead me to look, or say, or do something completely fucking stupid, it’s like that voice just bails on me and I am left there confused and stunned trying to figure out a way to back out of what I did, or said. In this I am I think of myself as never truly alone…even though I am…no relationship has ever worked positive for me. My friends have bailed on me, or I have pushed them away. I am truly alone, but its like when I am sitting at home, in the dark, all alone…I feel a hand on my shoulder and sometimes if I look to see the person who is there, I get a quick glimpse of a familiar face that almost looks like me, but it’s not…the eyes are
different and the face is weathered…it’s not me, but I feel connected…then it’s gone.

hi i’m a 22 year old medical student. when i was 10 i first saw a lady in a veil at my school she was walkin across the playground and she suddenly vanished.

when i was 18 i saw a lady’s head all scarred up floating in front of me and growling like a wolf or dog, and next to me a veiled lady was standing. after a few seconds they dissapeared. a few nights later i kept thinkin that someone is tryin to wake me up and i kept feeling the sensation that someone is touching my shoulder.

when i was 20 i was in my bed, one night i could hear scratching at my door, i checked and it was nother. the next night i hear knocking at my door and i opened it and i again saw nothing. i went to wake my parents up and they said they ehard nothing and it was probibily a dream. but the thing is i didnt fall asleep. on the following night i a child crying. now this really scarred me. i thought my house was haunted and i refused to sleep in my room. i told my family about it and they told me i was probabily dreaming. i thougt i was bein rediculous so i went to sleep in my room the following night and i saw a little boy walk out of the cupboard mirror towards me and he stopped at the side of me and dissapeared.

last year during july it was about 12 noon, it was a warm surrny day and the sky was clear. i looked out of my window and i saw a 7foot “creature” slying across the sky, its was glistning gold, i could clearly see the wings flapping.

now i find myself like im not sure how to explain it, but basically im always imagining things i could be doing and i talk to the people in my imagination and i have noticed a few times that i am actually physically whispering whilst im interacting to these people in my imagination. n people have began to notice it aswell.

during the past 3 weeks i have felt so paranoid and anxious, but the difference is that i am aware that these feeling are unjustified and i have no reson to feel this way.

i dont know what i have, as a child i thought i was psychic btu now in med school i have realised i have a serious problem.

im to ashamed to speak to our teachers about it and i was wondering if there are any psychiatrists who may have a clue to whats wrong with me can help…or if anyone has had any similar experiances…

plz i would really appreciate it if u contacted me on dr_alle@live.co.uk

Everyone I’ve ever known has been a mind-reading alien, including family, friends, teachers and lovers.

Everything has been a set-up, for their amusement.

They show me they can hear my thoughts then deny it. They make me feel doomed and kick me when I’m down. They talk to me through the tv and radio to torment me or make me lose faith.

They like to feed off my torment.

I bet the person reading this is a mind-reading alien.

from an early childhood I saw things that were not there. usually people or humanoid-like things. they talked to me, but no one else could hear them. they wouldn’t understand what i was talking about. i heard things too. ringings and bells.. my name being called through a song or out in the open. i would rewind the song to try and hear it again but it would never be there. also everything seemed to be amplified. the sounds when people ate made me terribly sick to my stomach. the scraping of forks and knives… everything.. its unbearable. it never goes away.

i started to plan my suicide when i was 8.. i whirled into a continuing cycle of depression.

i isolated myself from others when i got into junior high. i was paranoid that they were talking about me all of the time; plotting against me. finally i decided that all must come to an end, for i’ve been thinking about the proper date for it a while back. i attempted suicide by overdose. i took 100 tablets of sleeping pills.. nothing happened except i got very sick to my stomach.. when asked, i replied ‘food poisoning.’

my second attempt was when i was 13. i took a variety of pain killers and i slit my left wrist and sliced my left arm up in a terrible mess. i passed out and woke up about 20 hours later. realizing that i wasn’t dead, i got sewing needles and stabbed myself over-and-over in my left arm; punishing myself. i knew that everyone would be happy once i was gone. my brother found out about my arm but didn’t tell my parents. telling me he’d beat my ass if i did it again. i started doubting what was real and fake. i couldn’t tell if i was awake or dreaming. i trusted no one and couldn’t talk about anything.. afraid to be labeled as ‘crazy’ .

at the age of 14 i tried once more.. “hopefully,” i thought, “i’ll get it right this time..” i started seeing things again. and hearing noises. they scared me. hallucinations everyday. depression. everything wasn’t right. i was worst and i would not admit anything was wrong with me. i started seeing ‘the man in black’ as i called him. i stared seeing him around the time i was 5. he never goes away; always there. behind an object, around a wall, the other side of a door.. he is forever with me. he tells me things. that i’m worthless, never good enough. voices in my head tell me that too. they are quite cruel, but i don’t really hear them anymore. all of the stress in my head got too built up and i gave in to the idea of killing myself again.. it gave me false comfort. i took a mixture of different medications that i found. but once more i was just really sick.. i told my parents that i got something around school. they believed me.

i never talk to them really. we don’t have a relationship very much… see, i have these different kinds of ‘me.’ a guy personality, whose name is victor, is very mean and cruel. he takes over a lot and i hate it very much. he takes advantage over me. he is awful to people and enjoys it extremely.. he laughs at others pain and wishes horrible things on people. he wants many to die.. he’s frightening. very cynical, labeled as ‘cool’, manipulative.

then there is normal ‘me’. impassive, confusing, but ditzy, random, low self-esteem. mm, i’m not a fan of this one. very boring indeed.

haha, then tabitha. she’s a riot. she gets along with everyone. she’s funny, outgoing, easy-to-be-around, fun, cool, says what is on her mind. i truly like her, but sadly she doesn’t appear much..

i set a new date to try again..

this year [2008] i attempted another time. still 14. i cut the veins in my hands, the sides of my wrists, and took a bottle of sleeping pills & other meds. i laid on my floor for some time before my world went black. i don’t really remember what was going on in my head, everything is blurry and i’m unsure of the details. when i woke up i had a major headache and i was extremely pale. i must have emptied my stomach 10 times in an hour.

i am still feeling detached and unreal. nothing seems real anymore.. i can’t get a grip on anything. is this all a lie? will i understand anything? am i broken? what is wrong with me? i always feel so alone.. i have taken to cutting since i was 10.. it is only a temporary comfort.. it never lasts long. i don’t know what to do. maybe i’ll figure it out one day.

I remember when I was younger, I always felt like I was different. I did a lot of living in my own head. I didn’t have a lot of friends. I didn’t do sports. I didn’t succeed in school like most of the other kids. I was mostly daydreaming in class and daydreaming, for what seemed like all the time.

When I was 19, that’s the first time I really started having serious delusions. I thought with certainty that everybody in the world was against me. I remember one time walking through K-Mart, and every person that passed by, I thought they were all tracking me and were all going to be sending secret messages to a government agency, who had plans on running illegal, underground tests on me. I always heard voices in the past, but this time, they were very prominent. “Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here!”

I remember walking as quick as I could toward the exit and just looking all around me. I was waiting for, any minute, a helicopter to come down from the sky, grab me, and take me away.

That night, when I went home, I started writing a journal about my experience. I still have it to this day. One of the passages reads: “The government is trying to inject my body with a secret serum that will liquify and, allow them to track my every move. They have plans on doing this within the next week. If I’m missing and you find this message, I will be located in an underground labaratory in Washington D.C.”

I didn’t sleep for three days after this. A lot of my time at nights, I spent sitting in my living room, staring out the window. My parents noticed that I was acting peculiar, but I thought that, since I didn’t know whether or not I could trust them, I didn’t say anything to them. I didn’t know whether or not they would protect me.

Later that week, I was in my room and thought I heard a noise coming from downstairs. So, I went downstairs and saw the figure of a man sitting on a couch. I walked over toward it, and the man told me that he was there to protect me, and that if I went to K-Mart tomorrow, the government would call off the secret mission because I would be seen too many times on their cameras, only this time the government planned on sending my brain to space to be reviewed by an alien coalition which believes I have information within my subconscious on the creation of the universe.

Eventually, I tried to kill myself and my parents found me with my wrists slashed. I was sent to the psych unit and diagnosed with schizophrenia. I’ve been working with a counselor ever since and they have me on medication. I’m not cured by any means, but I’m sure as hell a lot better than I was 3 years ago.