Posts Tagged ‘Denial’


At the age of 22 I was a happy wealthy healthy girl in a 3 year relationship which ended after nine years. At 22 I was making 400 to 800 per day. I was gEtting tattoos, concert tickets, and new cars. I was truly in love. We had evolved past a death and an abortion which lead to greater financial freedom. At that time we had my boyfriend’s best friend living with us and it felt like a good situation.

I was raised with the option to study the metaphysical. And I did from age 13 to 22. I had 3 tarot decks which I didn’t use much. One night, I decided to open up a deck and read into my roommate and his girl friends life. It blatantly said she was pregnant and 2 days later we found out she was. It was the night of the tarot that I heard a voice. It seemed calming and had a lot to say which I wrote down to the best of my abilities. After the first night it got hard to accept and believed it was all spiritual. It was a womans voice and I thought it was an angel. Its when it said I can help you drive that I felt crazy. And the voice did drive me to feeling extremely anxious. No one knew at this time. It got to the point of me feeling violated. Nothing would ever be the same.

by Jenna Ward

Sometimes, late at night, my brother sits in his darkened room watching television without any sound and laughing hysterically. His giggling is punctuated by one-sided, incoherent conversations that he holds with the voices he hears in his head.

Doug is 30 years old, and for the past 10 years, he has suffered from schizophrenia, a fact which he neither acknowledges nor accepts. Whenever I tell someone about him, the person invariably nods, even if he or she has no idea that schizophrenia isn’t “multiple personalities” or the result of bad parenting. Almost always, the first thing they ask me is, “Does he take medication?”

It’s not a bad question. In the past several years, there have been some real breakthroughs in drugs to treat schizophrenia. Scientists have come much closer to pinpointing the ways in which neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin go awry in the brains of schizophrenics, and they are creating better medications to adjust the balance of chemicals.

These drugs, which have names like risperidone and olanzapine and clozapine, are not a cure. Often they have miserable side effects, and they are only partially effective in combating the so-called “negative” symptoms of the disease, things like apathy, social awkwardness and emotional withdrawal.

But the drugs can make it possible to live independently, to work and to interact with people, and to banish the hallucinations and voices. The new drugs are one of the few causes for hope in an otherwise devastating affliction, but there is one problem – if your brain is sick, how is it able to recognize its own illness?

This is not a hypothetical question. Consider that if your stomach hurts, the nerves in your body pass the information on to your brain, and it figures out what to do. But what about when the problem originates in the brain? How can one little piece of the mind hold itself apart, like some island of sanity, in order to make a self-diagnosis?

Doug, like many other people who have schizophrenia, cannot or will not realize that something is wrong, and he refuses to take any medication. So for my family, it all becomes useless, all the groundbreaking research and fancy new drugs, because he will not help himself.

Sometimes I want to just shake him and scream, “Don’t you know? You don’t have to be like this!” He is so lonely, so profoundly isolated from all that exists outside the cacophony in his skull. He has no friends, almost no human connection with anyone at all. He often imagines he smells horrible odors and sees vomit covering the television, his stereo, the carpet, his shoes.

Conversations with him go like this: “Kansas, you know Kansas is actually in Dallas, because there is the road, and then you’re in Texas and that’s why Texas sports teams are so good. Never buy Campbell’s. Chunky soup is really important. Never buy Campbell’s.”

But once upon a time, he was just my big brother who liked to tease me and taught me to water-ski and wanted to be an accountant. Now I barely remember that person.

And there is nothing we can do about it – we have no way to force him to get help. If a person with schizophrenia refuses to take medication, the only recourse is to have him or her involuntarily committed. But you can only do that by proving the person is a danger to him or herself or others.

I think we would have my brother committed if we could, and we watch for symptoms that would make this possible, but so far, he is just plain-old insane, not violent or dangerous. The system can only intervene when something goes terribly wrong, if Doug tries to harm himself or attacks my parents or a stranger. All we can do is wait for the crisis.

“He may have to get worse before he gets better,” Doug’s psychiatrist told my mother. If or when he breaks down completely and lands in an institution, only then will we be able to force medicine into his body, medicine that may have the power to bring back the person we lost 10 years ago.

And hopefully once he starts taking drugs, he’ll recognize he needs them and continue to take them on his own. I imagine it will feel like coming down off a 10 year acid trip.

But my brother has already lost a full decade of his life. Doug is in no position to make rational decisions about his own health care, and there should be some recourse other than acute crisis to allow for intervention.

I believe that another factor in assessing involuntary commitment should be the need for treatment. Doug may not be an immediate danger to himself or others, but he is clearly ill and highly unpredictable. I believe – and the statistics tend to support this – that at some point he will try to hurt himself or someone else. He needs medication now.

What makes it more depressing is the knowledge that, as with so many illnesses, the chances of recovery from schizophrenia improve with early, aggressive treatment. We missed that chance with Doug. Maybe things would have been different if we had been able to intervene when he first got sick.

Some – the same civil libertarians with whom I normally side – would call this a victory, that a person has some right to be insane. I call it cruel and an enormous waste of human potential.

It started when I was young. When I was young I would imagine schizophrenia things. Like I would think I was the most important person in the world, television cameras would follow me around, or people would be following me around when I was with my dad travelling, or people could hear my thoughts when I was in a buffet eating, that that caused me to self-importanfy myself a lot and talk to myself in my brain a lot or write diaries that were quite useless In class.

When I reached middle school I was starting a new life in Taiwan with my dad. This was hard because I didn’t know that language that well and everything was in Chinese. I got depression, and started to have delusions about my classmates and my teacher. I would think things like I could think of a jiggly African man and my classmates would laugh, those people are special like me, those teachers are weird they seem special, or my teacher is the best person in the world. She is like qui-gon in star wars and makes it seem like she cares about me imaginary a lot or is really interested in me. When I went to camps in America or school in America as I later realized, It seemed like she was in other people looking or interacting at me.

When I started high school, things were ok the first year. There was only a girl by the name Lisa that I thought was my teacher. The rest of the kids some were just special like they were like Kim possible on the Disney movies or had a secret code since they were special with the teacher. The second year I discovered I was in Lisa’s class like three of them, and I was excited because she seemed like a teacher. Then when I moved out of those classes I only had two. Because in the beginning we were placed into the same groups and the behind each other. I was excitable, but as I switched classes because of math, I discovered I wanted to be with her. So I started to hear voices of her and her new found psychologist kid friend and another Asians very capable friend in another class while I was in my class away from them. This started it all, and before I knew it I was hearing voices, laughing in front of others for no reason, talking to myself at times when was with Lisa and her friends.
My teacher caught this and you guys know the rest of the story.

I went to a psychologist she caught on sent me to a psychiatrist who told me to eat medicine but I refuse since I didn’t believe I have a problem. Later I was having really bad fights with my mother, so once before a meeting with a real psychologist I kicked the window of my mother’s car and it broke. The police came for me and spent me to the psy hospital. I was under 18 then so it was better a youth psychiatric hospital. I spent two weeks there the most you can spend unless you had a really bad problem. But I also had the worst psychotic episode of my life that set the basics for today. I discovered people were trying to get me out, there were angels, my teacher, my two friends Brian and Amy, and my dad who sneakily went around in people making me guess and then I was wrong and right etc, people commenting on my every move and thought, nurses not being who they were, one nurse not as they should in real life I once, looking back and forth at the nurses station making me feel like
as If they were helping me, or there were real people whatever that meant, and people in movies and radios etc. I was totally out of it at the hospital but I didn’t tell anyone for fear that if I told my symptoms would get worse , and plus I could handle it.

Two more school years had pass since my hospitalization. The other time I was hospitalized was for no reason just a argument with my mother. I just passed my time and got out of it. But school went on, and my life became weirder as the people I imagine were in other people. I once imagine them, kissing in front of me, in real people who were kissing!! That was really stupid and embarrassing. Even to today it is still like this. There are people in other people anywhere I go following me, and living with me day to day, etc.

My grandma is has Schizophrenia but of course she refuses to think so. She’s had it all her life and latley its gotten so bad, Me and my parents live in the U.S and my grandparents lives in Romania, So we hardly come down there to see her but when we do it’s a living hell, evertime we visit her she talks about how people are trying to harm her that she has camera’s in her home and there’s been times where she’s accused us of trying to harm her. She terrorizes all her neighbors, sometimes in the middle of the night she will run up and down her 12 level apartment bulding yelling and knocking on peoples doors, saying people are out to get her. As you can imagine everyone hates her and its so embarrising to have to walk around town and getting all sorts of crazy looks from people because everyone in town knows about her and I mean EVERYONE.

People give me and my parents looks like, they hate us and why don’t we just put her in the looney bin but it’s not that easy. Because she’s so old and suffering from just being old is hard enough why would you put her in a mental institution? It’s hard cause she’s family and in Romania, no matter how crazy you are, no matter what you do family is family and you kill for your family. So if we were to do that it’s like letting her down and she would probably suffer even more because when your in the looney bin people treat you like shit. I mean they make it sound like they care about you in there but honestly they don’t. It’s hard cause we honestly have absoultly no idea what to do with her.

She makes phone calls to the police station every single day just cussing them out and just yelling like crazy. She yells so much I honestly don’t think ive ever seen her just talk to us in a nice calm voice.It’s gotten so bad that you can’t even hold converstations with her because every other word that comes out of her mouth has to do with how people are after her, that she hears voices at night and see’s people. Sometimes I feel like im the one who has this horrible illness when im around her because when thats all you hear about for years in a sense you feel like your them and that your the one in their shoes and your crazy. She has so many locks on her door it’s scary, it sends chills down your spine just watching her open the door to her own appartment. She has so 5 diffrent locks she evern has chains on her door. and like 3 diffrent keys to open the door. I mean thats basically what she spends all her money on.

My parents will give her money to spend on food clothes etc. but all she spends it on his changing the locks on her door every now and then because she thinks people will try to go in her home and harm her at night. Thats basically her obsession that everyone is out to get her in some way or another. It’s hard when you see all this happening in front of your face and all you can really do is sit there and watch. I mean their is not much you can do you know. We have triend numerous times telling her she has a problem and needs to take her medication but as most people who suffer from this, she thinks she’s just fine and healthy and that we are the crazy ones for not believing her. Thats what goes on in her mind, she thinks everyone but her is crazy.

It’s hurts me and my family so bad to watch this espeacially my dad because it’s his mom and it hurts him so bad watching her and seeing what she’s become. He’s known her when she was healthy and didnt have this problem and when he see’s her now you can tell he just want’s to break down in tears.I think its effected him the most out of everyone.She’s so out casted from society, she has no friends what so ever, she has my grandpa but living with her for so long even he is starting to show schizophrenia symptoms also and who can blam him. I mean I feel so bad for him,because we hardly see her,but poor him he has to live with that yelling an cautious ever single day and night 365 days a year till the day he dies, I mean it literaly drives you insane to.

Living with a schizophrenic is one of the hardest things you can possibly imagine just cause it’s so hard to stand your ground. And you don’t know what to do your so confussed and frustraed and just plain old hate life. It’s so hard cause you want to help them so much but its frustating trying to explain to someone that they have a problem when they don’t think they do. The people in her apartment complex have called the mental instution on her and she’s been put on medication many times but you can’t force someone to take their medication when you live in the U.S and they live all the way in Romania. If we even bring up the question " Did you take your medicine" she starts going off why does that even matter. I mean you know she doesnt Sometimes I wish I could just yell at her and tell her STOP IT JUST STOP!!!

I mean it’s so hard to watch because she’s old and sick she has so many problems already I mean just being and older women is hard enought but on top on that she has schizophrenia. She’s the only person that has me brake down in tears at night nobody can really make me cry except for her.When you hear about schizophrenia people just think it’s just hearing voices but it’s so much more than just that. There’s so much more to it that not even little articles on the internet can tell you. The only way to find out is to either have had this illness or you know someone that has it. If I had to describe Schizophrenia in one word that word would be "PAIN" because thats what it’s cause my grandma and my whole family in general. We still love her to death I mean she would be such an amazing women if she didnt have to go through this. She cares about her family so much and thats what makes decisions like putting her in a mental institution even harder no matter what anyone says, it’s one of the hardest things anyone could do to a family memeber. I guess all me and my family can do is sit back and watch till she ends up passing away.

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