My friends are all simply being polite to me. No, that’s stupid, right? They’d just leave, or stop talking to me, if they didn’t like me, right?
No, they’d sit there and tolerate me, because it’s easy and polite. I’m all alone, really, I have no friends, only these people who say their my friends, but really are only saying so to be nice. Because they’re nice people.
God. I know it’s in my head, I know it’s not real. But, if it’s true, then I just want to keep lying like this. Because if anyone ever finally comes out and says that it’s true, I’ll really be alone.
Posts Tagged ‘friends’
So here is snapshot of present day;
My symptoms are still mild. I have a very conscious grasp of what is real and what is fictitious manifestations. I did recently have a 15-20 volume day. Which was a bit worrisome. I have since the realization, and am currently choosing not to seek out psychiatric help or to experiment with a regiment of meds. I may change my mind in the future. But as it stands I am very cognisantly aware that having such diagnosis documented can have some very profound personal and professional long term consequences.
At a later point the symptoms may become so burdensome that the costs are worthwhile. At this time they are not. I do wrestle with a lot of “what ifs?” . The biggest is the concern of being able to distinguish “the line”, before I reach it, of where I need to relinquish control of my life and affairs to someone else. I struggle with the ethics of parenting and the ethics of attempting to have a long term relationship. I am single and I am a parent. Is it fair to burden these people with the unknown symptoms which may or may not cause huge impacts and sadness on people who did not sign up for the job.
In the same breath, why shouldn’t I be able to have such joys in my life too? Why do I have to make the sacrifices? Can I control it enough to have reasonably normal life? If I can’t control the symptoms and have to make such huge sacrifices, do I want to subject myself to the whims of the mental health system? Can I cope with the dampening down effect of the meds? Do I want to? I’m an extremely free spirited bird. Really who benefits from the effects of the drugs, if I have made such huge sacrifices in my life?
Is life with a huge lead weight or life in a state of frantic disillusionment better? Who chooses what life is better? For now its me. I can. And I can do it responsibly. But to ensure that my choice is not taken away prematurely, I must keep my condition private to most. I have shared with two people whom I trust, and have asked them to give me feedback and to assist me as needed or in a worse case scenario to take whatever measures are needed to protect myself and family in a careful way. I only hope it never gets there.
Written for Internet Mental Health, August 1995
My illness became apparent when I was about 19 years old. I was depressed as a teenager but didn’t have any really psychotic symptoms until I was in my second year university and then I stopped going to classes and started daydreaming all the time and sleeping all day just waking up for meals. I was living in a fantasy world where I was a super special person and yet I was depressed because I couldn’t fulfill this role as a super special person.
One of my girlfriends suggested that, since I was missing classes, I go speak to the women’s counselor so I spoke to her and told her my symptoms and she told me to go see a psychiatrist at the university. I went to see him and I told him all my symptoms: I felt like people started looking like robots to me, my body seemed to be alien matter to myself, I seemed to be like from outer space somehow. He gave me some pills, some antidepressant pills and some antipsychotic pills but he didn’t give me any diagnosis at the time. He just wanted to see how my illness went on.
This lasted about two years and I was quite suicidal for that period of two years because I didn’t know what was going on and I was becoming more and more depressed as I could see my career slipping away from myself and living in this world that I had created and not having any idea what I was supposed to do with my life at that time and I was very discouraged because nobody gave me any hope.
I ended up in hospital twice while I was actively suicidal and I finally decided that some of the medications weren’t working and I thought I would try another approach so I went to an orthomolecular psychiatrist. He started me on niacin and vitamin C and it’s either coincidence or it really worked but for some reason or other I got better within about a month or two and I was no longer depressed. I stayed on the vitamins for about five years and at that time I wasn’t taking any medication at all. I either had a wonderful remission or the vitamins were working. I don’t know to this day if they work but I still take them.
I graduated in 1988 and then the year following I started noticing my depression coming back slowly but surely as I couldn’t find a job and I was hanging around my apartment all day. I did find a job and started working at it part-time but then I started hearing screaming and becoming very agitated for no apparent reason while I was getting ready for work to the point where I couldn’t go to work any longer. I had to leave my job at that point and I went back to a psychiatrist and he started me on Prozac and that helped me a little bit but it didn’t help the psychosis part until I ended up in the hospital another time after I was in a day program, I sort of became catatonic and they started me on haldol.
I was on haldol for several months but I had several bad side-effects from that so I started on loxapine after that and that seemed to work but I was still a little bit suicidal and not really depressed at being suicidal but it was more of an elated feeling where I wanted to become an angel or something very special again, so the doctor said, "Are you depressed?" and I said, "Not really but I still want to die and I wish God would let me die by some natural cause."
I went to another day program and that helped me quite a bit. I was in that for four months and they taught me how to live on a budget and banking techniques and social assertiveness techniques and I found that very helpful because that gave me a reason to get up in the morning, even though I couldn’t work I could go to this day program. I was in the hospital a few more times because I was suicidal again, but then one of my doctors left and I had to find another doctor, so I found my present doctor and continued taking the loxapine but then tried risperidone for a few months.
That seemed to work but I seemed to be a bit flat on that so I went back on the loxapine and vitamins and I feel fairly good today. I’m not ready for looking for a job but I may start looking for volunteer work. At least I have the hope element in my life. I know that all my suffering was for a reason and I have tremendous hope for the future. In the limiting condition that I have I still feel very optimistic about things and I found out through one of my doctors about financial aid, or GAIN, and that made a tremendous difference because I was not able to work at the time and having the money coming in allowed me to keep my apartment and I found that very helpful. I have since moved home with my parents because I became too lonely but I look forward to moving out again when I feel a lot better.
