i would like to aim this for all the partners and family members who live and share there lifes with the person who has become cruley cursed with SCHIZOPHRENIA.this evil illness is probably one the most challenging trying experiences to all involved,my partner of 8 years is a schizophrenic with personality disorder,when i first meet him i thought id meet the most loviest caring kind man that i could ever meet,he moved in with us after a few weeks and id never been so happy after lots of unhappy years.he was 42 and i 32 with two children aged 4 and 9 to who he was great.It didnt take very long till i started to see strange little stupid things,or he would answer me in a odd way which would confuss me but not him,he was a alcholic but not a drunk,he was allso on antidepresants and had been for alot of years,which i didnt think any thing strange i know lots of people who take them including myself in the past.this one night after about 6 months we went out and he got very drunk after we
got home he began to act very strange and talking and shouting out,but there wasnt anyone with him,when i asked him who he was talking to he bagan crying and acting like a young child,you going to live me if i say,:if you say what i asked,it took him a fews hours of crying and panicing behavior before he said IAM A FUCKING NUTTER you dont know what ive done and i hear voices…….i burst into laughter thinking hes just drunk and mucking about,untill i looked at him i assumed he was laughing aswell,but he wasnt,his face had change and allso his mood and his behavior, naw he was very aggressive angry and very frightning,this was not the person who i knew,i was very scared and started to cry asking him whats the matter,the more fear i showed the more he seemed to become worse with in a few mins he sat down and had a razor in his hands i was petrified i really thought i was going to die,i was so confused id never experienced anything close to this,all i could think to do was talk to
him very softly and loving and i held his hand and told him that i loved him very much and how happy iwas that id meet him and asked him to talk to me and what was going on to why he was acting like this he then began to self harm up his arms quite servere there was blood pouring out every where but he calmly carryed on cutting even though ibegan screaming and begging him to stop,he began rocking backwards and forwards asking me to stab him,he then got up and went into our kithen and picked up a big knife held it sharp point to his stomach and asked me to push it in then grabing my hand and tryed to make me push it into him,oh my god i thought what on earth happening i began shouting and screaming at quite aggresively i guess due to shock some haw i managed to grab the knife of him and he ran of to the bedroom crying.I Grabbed all the knifes in the kitchen and threw them out the window of our secondfloor, flat in a terrible state i wondered what he was doing in there i could hear
him once again talking to himself and crying i didnt have a clue what was going on or what to do or who he was,i went into our room and asked him if he would like a drink as iam having one,hea said yes please he was once again back to the child like ways he was to begin with and feeling very sorry for himself in a very winy manner just the same as a child of 4 would behave he was rocking back and forth with one hand up to face sucking on a few fingers, it was exactly as child.i made our drinks and sat next to him on our bed he still crying sayins sorry over and over again and kept saying that i was going to leave him again,i suggested we got into bed and go to sleep and well chat in the morning,i really was so confused and scared it was the only thing i could think off,and after that vodka was hoping hed pass out as i gave him it practicaly neat with tiny bit of coke.i was planing on sitting up all night or sleeping with one eye open.as he layed down i told him i loved him and he
replied back the same still crying and he said to me{iam going to die any}meaning himself,i sat up quike and asked him what he meant after half hour of asking him he started to fall in and out of conciousness and his eyes were going in the back of his head ibagan screaming and shakeing him shouting at him what has he done,i jumped out of bed and ran to find my phone i ran back to the bedroom round his side as i could only get phone signal by the window,thats when i noticed all the empty packets of tablets by the bed i phoned for a ambulance straight away whichcame within 10 min,at the hospital they gave him a stomach pump which was touch and go he was in a bad way,and i mad it all worse be giving him that huge vodka that he downed in one.As i sat out side that room were he was i didnt know what the hell was going on ithink i was in a state of shock and very emotional sad and confused and on my own i wasnt going to phone my mum and tell her even though i really needed her more than
ever,i know whAT she would say straight away ,and my dad would go mental and wont to kill him,i phoned his long term mate who he was very close to and asked him to come to the hospital as he was in being seen as he was very drunk,and nothing else.he arrived soon after and we began to talk i needed to know what the bloody hell that was all about and told him would he was doing,he was not surprised at all and quite calmly told me that he was a manic deppressive paranoid registered schizophrenic, and sayed i thought you knew…….my stomach and mouth hit the floor then it doomed on me that he could have killed me, and that ive been living with a tidking time tomb and my kids have been around this mad psychopath who was capable of any thing i had very little knowledge of the illness and assumed they were all mental and very dangerous and a liability,haw wrong was i,i left the hospital and went home on my own and broke down i cryed all night very confused angry disgusted with my self
and very mixed up.th e next day the hospital phoned saying he was asking for me,i didnt know what i wonted to do,Iknow what i should have done?thats ran in the opposite direction and never look back,but i couldnt it didnt feel right and that confused more,i had had fallen in love with him and he was Mr perfect,but i didnt really know he is he could have been any one on them.i went to the hopital and asked to speak to a psyciatrist or th main person who new about this,three and half hours of listening to him and a lot of sad shocking truths and how lonely and confusing this illness is to cope with and that its not mad people at all they cannot help it or even aware of it or do they know about the different personalities or behaviour changed they go through,but it was reasuring to hear there was medication to take and a normal life led,I naw had to decide my fourture ahead and if i was able to cope or handle the possibilities that could possibly lay a head ……that was 7 and half
years ago,no its not all been easy and its pushed me way to the limits and on the edge of a break down on more than one occassion.and as for him in that time 8 over doses 9 terrible terrifing episodes of psychosis and a lot of heard ache and hard work and as i write this hes in hospital having been sectioned,but i love him very much and he loves me hes my man who i could never be without and a wonderful kind loving person who adores my daughter…it breaks my heart to see the suffering and fear in his eyes that he must be going through and when the voices are telling him to do bad thing i see the agony and cant even start to think what my darling baby is going through i hate it so much that i cant stop them when he begs so much to make them stop…………..i would do anything at that point to help him
Posts Tagged ‘Medication’
Things started to go wrong on Saturday the 13th of June. I had worked the Friday and every Monday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday since I returned from my 3 month vacation in Europe in the August of last year.
However, this Saturday was different. I started to get a headache around 16:30 thinking it was diet related since I hadn’t eaten since breakfast (Another bad habit). I was craving a nice meal, but since the cook (my mum) had the day off, toast was on the menu.
I waited for my break at 17:30 but became nauseous. Suddenly these voices appeared shouting in the back of my head “They’re coming to get you” and “They are after you”.
At this stage I had no visual hallucinations and I was lucid enough to recognise I could no longer fulfill my working duties in a responsible capacity.
Promptly I spoke to the Nurse-In-Charge; Mary and voiced my concerns that I should go home since “I had just had an epileptic seizure”. Only my Nurse-Unit-Manager knows of my condition and as it was the week-end she was not around. Neither was my colleague, another Nurse-In-Charge who I had confided in. I chose to keep my disorder a bit on the quiet side as I had encountered discrimination from my previous job making working conditions stressful and unbearable.
After speaking to my Mum about my hallucinations at work, we decided that I drive home as I only live 10 minutes away. Terrified, I drove slowly and got home to a frantic mother who wanted to call the Crisis Intervention or CAT team. Stupidly, I took extra Largactil (Chlorpromazine) 200mg which my Psychiatrist had advised me to use under my discression. Fortunately I fell asleep until 04:00 the following morning aggitated and still hallucinating of which many cigarettes and cups of coffee (other bad habits), did nothing for. Clearly I was psychotic.
It wasn’t until the evening that the visual hallucinations started. Hearing repetativly and loud “They’re coming to get you”, “They will kill you”, and “They are after you”, I also had to contend with seeing dark shadows roaming around my room with knives weaving in and out of my doors and windows and around my bed. I was glad when mum offered to sleep with me to try and calm me. I was even more happier when I spoke to my Psychiatrist who felt that the 500mg of Largactil (Chlorpromazine) in addition to my other medication would have some relief on this terrifying nightmare I was experiencing. Whilst my psychiatrst could not admit me that night due to bed capacity, I was admitted the following day. Still hallucinating as severely as the previous night, the nursing staff decided to put me into high dependancy where I would not be in any danger to anyone including myself.
The next couple of days in hospital are a blur. I was so doped up on 300mg Chlorpromazine, 1400mg Quetiapine (Seroquel), 4000mg Sodium Valporate (Epilim), and 40mg Paroxetine that I slept most of the day. I only ventured out to have cigarettes and dinner. The paranoia was still high as I sat alone for dinner thinking everyone was talking about me or plotting to attack and even kill me. I took no action on these thoughts due to my limited but present insight.
Each day I saw my Psychiatrist and expressed my difficulties. By day 4 we decided to change anti-psychotics as I was on the maximum dose of the Quetiapine (Seroquel).
I was devistated. This was going to be the 7th anti-psychotic I had changed to. Whilst the Chlorpromazine works well as a supplement, the high doses I would required would cause the side-effects to be totally debilitating. I had no choice.
My Psychiatrist felt it best that we change the Quetiapine (Seroquel) for Ziprasidone (Zeldox) in one hit rather than weaning and stop/starting dosages. So, I stopped the Quetiapine (Seroquel) straight away and went straight onto the maximum dose of Ziprasidone (Zeldox) which is 160mg which I now take all at night although it recommends you split the dose.
Within 3 days I was feeling my old self again. I had day leave with my Mum and went and saw the Salvador Dali exhibition. The following day I went home.
All was going well until the hallucinations began to reappear in the evenings. Mum was at work and my Nanna has no idea of what is wrong with me so we argue.
Around 4pm every evening since being home my auditory hallucinations flare up again and I am always up and about between 04:00 and 06:00 much to my mother’s disgust.
Hearing repetativly and loud “They’re coming to get you”, “They will kill you”, and “They are after you” I cannot go out anywhere unaccompanied. I cannot drive my car. And I am even scared to walk my dog as I am frightened to leave the house.
These symptoms have all but gone now since seeing my Psychiatrist again last Thursday. She added an extra 40mg of Ziprasidone (Zeldox) to take at 16:00 to stop the hallucinations and started me on som Clonazepam to help with the anxiety and insomnia. Yesterday and today have been the quietest days in a very long time.
In my teenage years and early 20’s I used drugs quite frequently. Then I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia in 2004. For the first four years, It was absolutely terrifying. The Voices were the worst part, praising me one minute then degrading me the next. Then the ideas of reference. I couldn’t read a book, or watch TV, or listen to music without hearing some message specifically meant for me. Every conceivable situation resulted in me being set up for murder, or killed, or at the centre of some vast conspiracy, or the subject of some bizarre experiment. I lived in total fear. There just seemed to be no escape from this paranoid World. I still used Cannabis and was in denial about my illness until 2007. Now, in 2009, things are better. I have stabilised on risperdal, the voices are distant and mostly inaudible, and sometimes I can even indulge in Media without being too affected. I don’t take any drugs other than the prescribed ones. I turned 30 last year, I was 24 when I was
diagnosed, and feel I have lost some years to this illness. But I have started back at university, and live on my own in the city on a pension. It is still hard to hold down a job. But I feel that a year or two ago I reached a turning point, where I could continue to live in fear or be brave and see through the delusions, see the reality that was mine to make. I use cognitive exercises, the medication, vitamins ( I have still yet to try Zophitin and liquid white mono-atomic gold powder, though I still might one day) prayer mantras, and when the voices start to crowd around, I concentrate as hard as I can on external sounds, even the hum of a refrigerator if I have to. With me, when I do this, the voices tend to fade away. I have plans for the future, and a full recovery from schizophrenia is part of those plans, though I would never have thought that in the beginning, when I was too full of despair over what I considered the ruination of my life. Positive thinking is a must. I look
forward to a future of happiness and security, despite having one of the most debilitating mental illness that can be had. I have also been blessed with a very supportive family. The darkest hour is passed. My person applauds my joyous comeback, and my full recovery, I am sure, is only a short time away. The Upward Spiral has begun.
I have been living with diagnosed schizophrenia for 4 years. Undiagnosed I suspect for quite a bit longer.
I started to become “weird” at 16 years old, I would spend hours on end just listening to music imagining scenarios in my head where I was a hero, or sometimes just being a violent maniac. This was always with me being much better than I really was. I would do this every day to heavy metal music.
Sometimes I would get paranoid and think people were peeping through the cracks in the blinds, and would see what a freak I was.
While I was doing this I was a loner and had no friends, although I would sometimes hang around my sisters friends. This was because I did school from home.
Sometime around 16 and a half, I got bored one day while playing an online game and decided to have a small toke of some low potency marijuana my sister had. I REALLY enjoyed it. This was strange for me because I had used high potency marijuana in the past and absolutely hated it.
After that I started to smoke marijuana regularly. Slowly my tolerance increased and I was smoking about 3 grams a week.
Things were the same when I turned 17, but then I made a friend (B) who also smoked marijuana. We would do stuff together and basically just smoked bongs and got drunk together.
As I was nearing 18 I got a job at the local supermarket and saw this as a hope for the future, I would be able to buy gym equipment and make friends.
With that job came money to buy more pot. I was smoking marijuana every day listening to music, dreaming of all the things I could potentially do, all this while stoned out of my mind.
While at work for a few months I made another friend, (E). We would just smoke bongs together and find stuff to steal so we could get more pot. I seemed pretty normal to my friends at that time.
Then just days before my 18th birthday, I got into a serious physical fight with me and another of my friends (K) (who was much older) against 3 skinheads. I was badly beaten to the point all I saw was white.
After this I slowly stopped seeing my friends all except for (K) who I used to get pot from and do workouts together, I had turned into a loner again, without me even realising it.
Sometime about halfway into 18 years old, I got REALLY paranoid about people, started to split words up in my head and couldn’t stop blurting offensive and embarrassing words out, I used to clench my jaw or do whatever it took to hide these words from people. I was especially scared people would hear “I’m a virgin”. This all came very sudden and I had no idea what the illness was, all I knew is that it was permanent.
I also though people at my work were all conspiring against me and would sometimes walk the streets at night with a knife trying to catch them.
Eventually I stopped even seeing anyone except my family, this was all while working at the supermarket.
I stopped pot use because it started to amplify all my negative thoughts and would make me play offensive tunes in my head.
Things continued like this until I was 19, then I decided maybe I could make myself normal again by smoking pot again and listing to lots of music. So I did it and did start to feel normal, except for the blurting things out. I also decided not to try to hide the things I was trying not to say, BIG MISTAKE. While I was leaving my shift for the day I managed to say “I want to suck (insert name) cock”. A whole room of people heard me, and the next day everyone was laughing. This triggered some kind of psychotic episode in me. I decided I would physically seriously assault someone at work and that would get me the help I needed. I stayed up for about 3 days without drugs, but in the end decided not to do it.
After that everyone pretty much left me alone.
A couple of months later my old friend (B) said hello to me at work, so we started hanging around each other again.
He reintroduced me to the skinheads I had the fight with. I started to shoot up speed with them. Little did I know they were lacing my speed with things like ajax and ratsack. I was in too much of a sub human state from all the pot use that I didn’t even notice. Until I got some high potency speed of my sister one night, and wanted more. She said she was going to get it off the skinheads, I told her not to. I injected the second lot of speed and it was a hot shot, after staying awake for 4 days I was admitted to hospital with damaged lungs from the hotshot.
I later found out from my sister months afterwards that she got the speed from the skinheads.
After I got out of the hospital. The skinheads sold me some laced marijuana. I smoked the whole bag while listening to music. Then when I went out to the doctor I felt REALLY stupid, almost retarded. I couldn’t remember I single word that went into my head. I immediately freaked out shouting and screaming.
It was then that I had my first and only extreme psychotic episode.
I thought that the Australian federal police had put a camera in my television and I was being broadcast live on every channel of national TV. That every advert was being made for me. That the whole laced drugs thing was a setup from society. If I waved at the people on TV they would wave back.
After the psychotic episode ended, something was really bothering me, words were sounding all muddled up. I couldn’t even watch TV it was that bad. This put me in a state of extreme depression, I took up alcohol, drinking every day. Then I started to just try to sleep my life away. Every day I would just drink and sleep. It got to the stage where I couldn’t even get out of bed to drink.
Then one night my sister and I were having an argument and I threw a beer bottle at her head. It almost killed her.
After that I started to see a psychiatrist, who then put me on Risperdal and Avanza. I figured “what the hell, may as well take them” expecting them to do nothing. After a few days, words started to sound normal again. My depression was getting much better. I knew I could live a happy life.
I stopped sleeping in bed all the time and started to play games instead.
I lived like this for a couple of years. My psychotic symptoms were better but not completely gone, I had also developed severe anxiety, which I drank to stop.
When I turned 22 I moved in with my sister, she did not like me taking medications, so I stopped taking them.
Slowly the jumbled up words all came back, also with my poor outlook on life. I continued like this for 3 months until one day I almost murdered my sister. The police were called and I was taken to hospital where I stayed for 1 night.
I went back home to live with my mum and she was appalled at my psychotic state. I would often say things to her like “I’m going to be remembered for ever” or “I’m going to kill people one day”. For weeks I just fantasized about killing people and the day I would finally be remembered for murder.
I started taking my medication again and improved, but this time something wasn’t right. I felt really dumb and thought my sisters ex partner and father of my niece had injected me with a death pill. This really played on my mind and I was planning various ways to murder him by poison. Then while I was visiting my sister with my mum, I asked “do I seem different to you”? They said yes and I lost it and smashed up her house.
Mum then made me an appointment to see the psychiatrist who then put me on Abilify. This made the “death pill” delusion go away and my mind was clear again. I also started taking Lexapro for anxiety which worked well.
About a year later I got drunk while staying at my sisters friends house. While upstairs I heard lots of laughing and a voice say “he’s lost the plot”. I got angry thinking they were talking about me and laughing at my schizophrenia. I started to punch things in the house and when they came in to calm me down I stabbed one of them in the neck before being restrained by them. The police came and charged me. I was released on bail.
After getting two psychiatrists reports I was found not guilty by mental incompetence.
My antipsychotic has since been changed to geodon and I am doing well. I don’t drink or smoke and am doing great considering what I’ve been through.
I only wish I had gone on medication as soon as it started. Things would have been much better.
My name is Roberta and I am 25 years old. I have schizophrenia and I am coping with it very well. I have been taking my medication for a year now and I have been functioning normally. A few years ago, I felt my whole world was falling apart. I had just remembered that my father went to prison when i was two years old. I had hallucinations and thought that people were out to get me. I also struggled with voices from my past. However I am living a full life and I am coping well. I always wondered what it was like to live with schizophrenia and when i was diagnosed I did not want to accept it, but the medication made all my symptoms go away. I look forward to living my life.
