Schizophrenia Diaries

i would like to aim this for all the partners and family members who live and share there lifes with the person who has become cruley cursed with SCHIZOPHRENIA.this evil illness is probably one the most challenging trying experiences to all involved,my partner of 8 years is a schizophrenic with personality disorder,when i first meet him i thought id meet the most loviest caring kind man that i could ever meet,he moved in with us after a few weeks and id never been so happy after lots of unhappy years.he was 42 and i 32 with two children aged 4 and 9 to who he was great.It didnt take very long till i started to see strange little stupid things,or he would answer me in a odd way which would confuss me but not him,he was a alcholic but not a drunk,he was allso on antidepresants and had been for alot of years,which i didnt think any thing strange i know lots of people who take them including myself in the past.this one night after about 6 months we went out and he got very drunk after we
got home he began to act very strange and talking and shouting out,but there wasnt anyone with him,when i asked him who he was talking to he bagan crying and acting like a young child,you going to live me if i say,:if you say what i asked,it took him a fews hours of crying and panicing behavior before he said IAM A FUCKING NUTTER you dont know what ive done and i hear voices…….i burst into laughter thinking hes just drunk and mucking about,untill i looked at him i assumed he was laughing aswell,but he wasnt,his face had change and allso his mood and his behavior, naw he was very aggressive angry and very frightning,this was not the person who i knew,i was very scared and started to cry asking him whats the matter,the more fear i showed the more he seemed to become worse with in a few mins he sat down and had a razor in his hands i was petrified i really thought i was going to die,i was so confused id never experienced anything close to this,all i could think to do was talk to
him very softly and loving and i held his hand and told him that i loved him very much and how happy iwas that id meet him and asked him to talk to me and what was going on to why he was acting like this he then began to self harm up his arms quite servere there was blood pouring out every where but he calmly carryed on cutting even though ibegan screaming and begging him to stop,he began rocking backwards and forwards asking me to stab him,he then got up and went into our kithen and picked up a big knife held it sharp point to his stomach and asked me to push it in then grabing my hand and tryed to make me push it into him,oh my god i thought what on earth happening i began shouting and screaming at quite aggresively i guess due to shock some haw i managed to grab the knife of him and he ran of to the bedroom crying.I Grabbed all the knifes in the kitchen and threw them out the window of our secondfloor, flat in a terrible state i wondered what he was doing in there i could hear
him once again talking to himself and crying i didnt have a clue what was going on or what to do or who he was,i went into our room and asked him if he would like a drink as iam having one,hea said yes please he was once again back to the child like ways he was to begin with and feeling very sorry for himself in a very winy manner just the same as a child of 4 would behave he was rocking back and forth with one hand up to face sucking on a few fingers, it was exactly as child.i made our drinks and sat next to him on our bed he still crying sayins sorry over and over again and kept saying that i was going to leave him again,i suggested we got into bed and go to sleep and well chat in the morning,i really was so confused and scared it was the only thing i could think off,and after that vodka was hoping hed pass out as i gave him it practicaly neat with tiny bit of coke.i was planing on sitting up all night or sleeping with one eye open.as he layed down i told him i loved him and he
replied back the same still crying and he said to me{iam going to die any}meaning himself,i sat up quike and asked him what he meant after half hour of asking him he started to fall in and out of conciousness and his eyes were going in the back of his head ibagan screaming and shakeing him shouting at him what has he done,i jumped out of bed and ran to find my phone i ran back to the bedroom round his side as i could only get phone signal by the window,thats when i noticed all the empty packets of tablets by the bed i phoned for a ambulance straight away whichcame within 10 min,at the hospital they gave him a stomach pump which was touch and go he was in a bad way,and i mad it all worse be giving him that huge vodka that he downed in one.As i sat out side that room were he was i didnt know what the hell was going on ithink i was in a state of shock and very emotional sad and confused and on my own i wasnt going to phone my mum and tell her even though i really needed her more than
ever,i know whAT she would say straight away ,and my dad would go mental and wont to kill him,i phoned his long term mate who he was very close to and asked him to come to the hospital as he was in being seen as he was very drunk,and nothing else.he arrived soon after and we began to talk i needed to know what the bloody hell that was all about and told him would he was doing,he was not surprised at all and quite calmly told me that he was a manic deppressive paranoid registered schizophrenic, and sayed i thought you knew…….my stomach and mouth hit the floor then it doomed on me that he could have killed me, and that ive been living with a tidking time tomb and my kids have been around this mad psychopath who was capable of any thing i had very little knowledge of the illness and assumed they were all mental and very dangerous and a liability,haw wrong was i,i left the hospital and went home on my own and broke down i cryed all night very confused angry disgusted with my self
and very mixed up.th e next day the hospital phoned saying he was asking for me,i didnt know what i wonted to do,Iknow what i should have done?thats ran in the opposite direction and never look back,but i couldnt it didnt feel right and that confused more,i had had fallen in love with him and he was Mr perfect,but i didnt really know he is he could have been any one on them.i went to the hopital and asked to speak to a psyciatrist or th main person who new about this,three and half hours of listening to him and a lot of sad shocking truths and how lonely and confusing this illness is to cope with and that its not mad people at all they cannot help it or even aware of it or do they know about the different personalities or behaviour changed they go through,but it was reasuring to hear there was medication to take and a normal life led,I naw had to decide my fourture ahead and if i was able to cope or handle the possibilities that could possibly lay a head ……that was 7 and half
years ago,no its not all been easy and its pushed me way to the limits and on the edge of a break down on more than one occassion.and as for him in that time 8 over doses 9 terrible terrifing episodes of psychosis and a lot of heard ache and hard work and as i write this hes in hospital having been sectioned,but i love him very much and he loves me hes my man who i could never be without and a wonderful kind loving person who adores my daughter…it breaks my heart to see the suffering and fear in his eyes that he must be going through and when the voices are telling him to do bad thing i see the agony and cant even start to think what my darling baby is going through i hate it so much that i cant stop them when he begs so much to make them stop…………..i would do anything at that point to help him

My life ended and began on the day my brother attempted suicide.

I was sixteen, he was nineteen. He had been on medication for Bi-polar for a few months. For the next few months, I barely ate, slept, spoke, or moved. I began to feel split up, uhwhole and raw. As though there were two people inside me.

I first saw Lucy when I was cleaning out my closet one afternoon in August. She was in the spare room next door to mine, and though I did not see her face, I saw her feet beneath the closet door. She was standing inside it, scratching on the door. She wanted out. I ran.

It was around then that the trees began to move eerily, to catch my eye and make contact with me. They whispered to me in ways that nothing ever had. They wanted me to come with them when they died that fall, to find them on the “other side.” They spoke to my heart, to my soul. I believed them and promised to go along when they did. I began to slip into worlds that were far different from our own. Cosmic, gorgeous worlds that one can hardly imagine. The trees called me to be their own, to be their child. To be one with them.

The people inside me began to multiply rapidly. There was Lucy, who I saw regularly in the mirror. We fought and argued all the time. She poked me and pinched me and screamed at me. Then there was Liam, who was actually a real person. My friend. He could feel my feelings, hear my thoughts, see what I was doing. I had no privacy left. Our minds were connected. There were the sisters: Charlotte, Penelope, and Victoria. They needed my help, they wanted me to save them. There was the scarecrow and his alias, Lord Effiddian. He wanted to kill me, to drink my blood and eat my soul. He wanted my hair, my violin, my life. He would eat away my music and murder what was left. He was a brute.
I went on medication two months ago. My father finally realized something was wrong. I hadn’t been eating, sleeping, doing my school work, or even speaking. I COULDN’T speak. I couldn’t move! It was impossible for me to do either of those without the greatest of pain in my soul, in my mind. Colors were either grey or too intense. My thoughts were so loud that I could hear them and sometimes see them. The worlds were so gorgeous–and so terrifying. There was nothing I could do. I felt nothing. My sister cried and I was repulsed. My mother asked me to talk to her and I couldn’t. I was a monster.

Since going on medication, I have begun to recollect my abilities as a violinist, to remember that I am a human being and that my thoughts are my own. I sometimes feel that I have no privacy of thought, that there are too many people talking inside me…but it’s quieter for the most part. Things aren’t so painful anymore.

from an early childhood I saw things that were not there. usually people or humanoid-like things. they talked to me, but no one else could hear them. they wouldn’t understand what i was talking about. i heard things too. ringings and bells.. my name being called through a song or out in the open. i would rewind the song to try and hear it again but it would never be there. also everything seemed to be amplified. the sounds when people ate made me terribly sick to my stomach. the scraping of forks and knives… everything.. its unbearable. it never goes away.

i started to plan my suicide when i was 8.. i whirled into a continuing cycle of depression.

i isolated myself from others when i got into junior high. i was paranoid that they were talking about me all of the time; plotting against me. finally i decided that all must come to an end, for i’ve been thinking about the proper date for it a while back. i attempted suicide by overdose. i took 100 tablets of sleeping pills.. nothing happened except i got very sick to my stomach.. when asked, i replied ‘food poisoning.’

my second attempt was when i was 13. i took a variety of pain killers and i slit my left wrist and sliced my left arm up in a terrible mess. i passed out and woke up about 20 hours later. realizing that i wasn’t dead, i got sewing needles and stabbed myself over-and-over in my left arm; punishing myself. i knew that everyone would be happy once i was gone. my brother found out about my arm but didn’t tell my parents. telling me he’d beat my ass if i did it again. i started doubting what was real and fake. i couldn’t tell if i was awake or dreaming. i trusted no one and couldn’t talk about anything.. afraid to be labeled as ‘crazy’ .

at the age of 14 i tried once more.. “hopefully,” i thought, “i’ll get it right this time..” i started seeing things again. and hearing noises. they scared me. hallucinations everyday. depression. everything wasn’t right. i was worst and i would not admit anything was wrong with me. i started seeing ‘the man in black’ as i called him. i stared seeing him around the time i was 5. he never goes away; always there. behind an object, around a wall, the other side of a door.. he is forever with me. he tells me things. that i’m worthless, never good enough. voices in my head tell me that too. they are quite cruel, but i don’t really hear them anymore. all of the stress in my head got too built up and i gave in to the idea of killing myself again.. it gave me false comfort. i took a mixture of different medications that i found. but once more i was just really sick.. i told my parents that i got something around school. they believed me.

i never talk to them really. we don’t have a relationship very much… see, i have these different kinds of ‘me.’ a guy personality, whose name is victor, is very mean and cruel. he takes over a lot and i hate it very much. he takes advantage over me. he is awful to people and enjoys it extremely.. he laughs at others pain and wishes horrible things on people. he wants many to die.. he’s frightening. very cynical, labeled as ‘cool’, manipulative.

then there is normal ‘me’. impassive, confusing, but ditzy, random, low self-esteem. mm, i’m not a fan of this one. very boring indeed.

haha, then tabitha. she’s a riot. she gets along with everyone. she’s funny, outgoing, easy-to-be-around, fun, cool, says what is on her mind. i truly like her, but sadly she doesn’t appear much..

i set a new date to try again..

this year [2008] i attempted another time. still 14. i cut the veins in my hands, the sides of my wrists, and took a bottle of sleeping pills & other meds. i laid on my floor for some time before my world went black. i don’t really remember what was going on in my head, everything is blurry and i’m unsure of the details. when i woke up i had a major headache and i was extremely pale. i must have emptied my stomach 10 times in an hour.

i am still feeling detached and unreal. nothing seems real anymore.. i can’t get a grip on anything. is this all a lie? will i understand anything? am i broken? what is wrong with me? i always feel so alone.. i have taken to cutting since i was 10.. it is only a temporary comfort.. it never lasts long. i don’t know what to do. maybe i’ll figure it out one day.

I had a illness as a child. I had to deal with diabeates and it was disturbing to me as a young person my life was disrupted. I became religious at a young age and precocoius. I do not know when it was I began to feel gay or sexual confused..

I was also creative. My mother did not know abut my agressions. or my reactions to being a diabetic.. I also liked in school to coerce people to target persons I was jelous of or had things I did not. I was a manipulator. In life I had visions of witch craft and occult . I was a what u call a gay bully type..

I grew up a born again christian at age 9.

I was not very athletic , or other. I had alot of friends. There were people I wanted to hurt, and to be evil to. I felt I could see things others could not.
This would make me do things and feel I was invincible. ig to to art school and got a job in a gallery I continued to want to target others. and be the agressor… I had trouble with drugs and alchol. and other delusions and over sexual expreiences multiple sex parenters and unsafe male sex.. heoroin cocaine..

I also had some female enconters. but had trouble with woman and men.. I was jelous of people who did not have my conditons and were musical. I was not a musical person. I was a creative person though and it made me friends and got me a job at a gallery..

Eventualy I was able to drive one girl into a mental hospital. I liked to indulge in my psychic insights, it allowed me to intimidate persons who I felt were unstable or fearful in unstable lives. I had a large group of friends and no one realy questinoed me but one person. Who was clean and sober with none of my problems who had my number. and was not afraid of me. eventuly this person was also driven into a state of madness.

I would have paranoid delusions at parties and also chase famous people around the art scene.. one day in my job I crashed and my boss had to talk to me. I reminded me of micheal alig and the club kids.

Now I make jewlery no one ever questioned my crimes or what things I did under the influences. some of them face uncertain lives.. and probaby sad deaths. I go on. I live in a rent stable apartment I got away from a girl who just happend to become heroin addicted. I live comfortable and could not without this place… I do sell jewelry and have connections.