CHAPTER 11
Relapse

The next day Anika returns to Mosi‚s apartment from work;
Mosi and Ms. Sultan are out at dinner. She walks in and drops her
purse and keys down on his furniture and picks up a letter from
his apartment manager and reads out loud. „We will be checking
all apartments consistently. Also everyone‚s guest is required to
provide ID before entering this apartment complex. Also we
have been getting a lot of complaints about loud music; music is
not to be played after 10:00 p.m.‰
„These people are going to be checking this apartment. For
what are they out of their minds,‰ Anika mumbles. Paranoia
strikes Anika‚s fatigued mind causing her eyes to widen and
appear glued to her face. She feels like she‚s going to lose her mind
again.
„They‚re coming in to check this apartment. I bet the security
guards have cameras up in here.‰ She walks in the bathroom and
stares into the small holes in Mosi‚s wall left by removed paintings
and covers up the holes with toilet tissue.
„Those nosy security guards are not gonna see me while I‚m in
here. I need privacy. Those perverted security guards.‰ After she
uses the bathroom she removes the toilet tissue from the holes in
the wall.
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„I need to rest. I have not slept well in two days.‰ She drives to
the nearest store and purchases a bottle of wine. The cashier is a
teenager and she sees a man pass by who is dressed in female
garments. The cashier looks up at Anika with a smile of instigation.
„Did you see her? Is that a man or a woman? I think it‚s a man
dressed up as a woman. He is a transvestite,‰ the cashier says as
she laughs.
„I don‚t know; I try not to judge people,‰ Anika says. The
cashier and the bagger look at each other and they burst out with
unrestrained laughter. „Your total is $5.15, thank you for
shopping with us,‰ the cashier says. Anika hands the cashier six
dollars and receives change back.
„Thank you,‰ Anika says politely.
Anika then returns to Mosi‚s house. She begins to pour herself
some wine to help her sleep when she hears a knock at the door.
It‚s Mosi‚s neighbor.
„You need to turn down your music. It‚s too loud,‰ the
neighbor says.
„Mind your own business; it‚s not even ten o‚clock yet.‰ Anika
then rushes over to the radio and turns it up louder. She then runs
to the peephole to see if the neighbor is still there. She sees the
neighbor as she storms downstairs. She then runs and looks into
the mirror at her reflection and begins laughing. „I gotcha.‰
Facing the mirror she begins dancing. She spins around and
jumps up all while laughing. She places a white glove over her
right hand and crosses her hands behind her back as if she‚s going
to jail. She begins to whisper. „They better not lock him up. All
that he has done for us.‰ She then runs over to the closet. She
throws Mosi‚s dirty and clean close everywhere to find her
pajamas. She puts them on. She runs through the house in an
infinity sign while tugging at the sewn-in weave in her permed
hair.
SWIYYAH NADIRAH MUHAMMAD
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„I want this out, I want this out, I wanna be myself, let me be
myself.‰ She begins to cry and with hands clutched to her face she
drops down on to the couch and begins clicking her heels. She
pulls her trembling knees towards her chest in an effort to stop
the uncontrollable shakes.
„I want to be myself.‰ She runs towards the mirror again as if
she‚s going to run right into it. She then walks backwards, turns,
and runs towards the mirror again. She turns her music up even
louder. „I need to rest, I need to rest.‰ Anika walks into her
kitchen and takes two sleeping pills. She lays down for an hour
tossing and turning, holding her head trying to shut out her racing
thoughts. She whispers and begins to ramble.
„Atoms are neither created nor destroyed. There was always an
existence. You have to take baby steps to understand how this
existence works, where we came from, how it started. Don‚t jump
from a to z. No, you must go from a to c, take a break. It has been
painted. First there was nothing; it was blackness, pitch blackness.
There was first the black hole. A plumber can understand the black
hole. There was a white light. The creator is positive energy. We all
have a little bit of positive energy. A person of positivity can change
your life without saying a word. We try to increase positive energy
which is the same as increasing spiritually. Once we are of that same
positivity as the creator, we become one with him. Only a few souls
have reached this seventh level of existence. The rest of us are
growing spiritually so we can reach that level. Positive times
positive equals positive. Negative times positive equals negative.
Therefore, if you have any negativity in you, you cannot become
one with positivity. The creator is all positive energy. Negative
times negative equals positive. If you learn from loads of negativity
you will learn from your mistakes and become all positive. It‚s
mathematics. Everything stems from mathematics. Less than a cup
of wine is what I need to rest. Don‚t want to scare away this
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beautiful spirit controlling my thoughts.‰ While holding the sides
of her head trying to rid her racing thoughts, she runs into the
kitchen and pours herself a cup of wine.
„Don‚t want to cause a bad interaction, two sleeping pills, a
cup of wine.‰ She begins pacing back and forth while massaging
her hair. She feels sick so she runs to her kitchen and drinks a
bottle of water.
„Must keep drinking, keep drinking, bad reaction from pills
and wine, must keep drinking water.‰ She finishes her bottle of
water and then grabs another.
„Must keep drinking.‰ She continues to pace back and forth.
As she sits, her knees began to flutter in a motion of panic. She
feels she is going to fly away like an angel. Her legs are numb and
they feel as if they are going to lift off the ground. Her stomach
then fills up with nausea. She runs to the bathroom and then
throws up.
She stares at her reflection in the bathroom mirror.
„I‚m not dead. I‚m not dead. I‚m alive but if I‚m alive why is
there no one around? Am I a ghost; have I really died. Is this what
it is like to die and become a ghost? Is this black shadow that I‚m
seeing in the right corner of my eye from the dark side? Am I
going to hell? I need to call someone but who? I don‚t want no
one to think I‚m crazy; who can I call.‰
Anika remembers that she still has the prescription for abilify
that her doctor wrote a year and a half ago. She runs into Mosi‚s
room, knocks her papers off the top of the closet and searches for
her prescription. She finds it and races towards her car for the
nearest pharmacy. As Anika is driving, she sees five police cars,
one following the other, all painted creamy white with the green
strip of intimidation removed. She is so scared to admit she has a
problem but she has to build up the strength to ask for help. She
calls her mother on the way to the pharmacy.
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„Mom, I‚m having racing thoughts. I feel like I‚m going to
have a nervous breakdown,‰ Anika says.
„You know you can always call me. I won‚t judge you,‰ Ms.
Muhammad says.
„Please come by the pharmacy near Mosi‚s apartment, that‚s
where I‚ll be.‰ Anika finally pulls up to the pharmacy and rushes
over to the pharmacy tech who is wearing an all white jacket. She
hands him her prescription, he looks at the prescription and then
looks at her with a judgmental look on his face as if he‚s staring
into the eyes of a lunatic.
„This prescription is expired. Is this the only prescription that
you have?‰ the pharmacy tech asks.
„Yes,‰ Anika replies.
The pharmacist sees she‚s in distress and walks out of the
pharmacy and holds her hand. Tears rush from her scarlet red
eyes.
„I‚ve had a cup of wine and I‚m afraid if I take medication the
medication will cause a bad interaction,‰ Anika says.
„Do you have a current prescription? When was the last time
you saw a doctor?‰ the pharmacist asks.
„A while ago,‰ Anika says.
Ms. Muhammad then pulls up, crying tears of pain.
„Does she have a current prescription?‰ the pharmacist asks.
„No, I don‚t believe she does. It‚s been a while since she has
seen a psychiatrist,‰ Ms. Muhammad says.
„Why didn‚t you continue seeing your psychiatrist? This
means you have not been taking your medication,‰ Ms.
Muhammad says.
„I didn‚t want to feel or admit that I am crazy. Only crazy
people take medication. I tried the medication for a few days and
then stopped. Admitting I have a problem is the hardest thing for
me,‰ Anika says.
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„You‚re not crazy; a lot of my customers come in for psychotic
medications. You are just mentally exhausted. You‚re a beautiful
woman. You‚re not crazy. It‚s best to take medication so you can
be yourself. No one is going to judge you. There‚s nothing wrong
with taking medication. A lot of people have to take medication
for the rest of their lives. People with high blood pressure,
diabetics, a lot of people. Take your medication and you can feel
normal again. Your daughter has been drinking wine so she
cannot take medication at this time. Take her to the nearest
emergency room and be sure they know of this,‰ the pharmacist
says.

In 2001, I was in third year college when a doctor diagnozed me with schizoaffective disorder. My episode lasted for 2 months. I saw shadows moving around. I heard voices that nobody else can hear. And I saw snipers hiding behind coconut trees. Eventually, I jumped off into the waters at the city wharf and walked home barefoot on the concrete road, leaving my identity (wallet, driver’s license and school ID) behind me.

It seemed like it was a very long time ago. I have moved on with my life, getting myself as busy as I possibly could. And I successully got rid of medications for 6 years and function normally in the society.

But good people leave lasting impressions. They are the ones who give you inspiration and help you define your own life. Unfortunately for me, they can also become a curse. The people who helped me overcome my illness are the same people who can remind me of those dark and disturbing moments.

I have relapsed, my first in 7 years. But like what Carl G Jung said, I would like to see this episode as a process of reforming the psyche in a form of self healing.