Schizophrenia Diaries » violent tendencies

personal story of my partner

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:27:50 +0000

i would like to aim this for all the partners and family members who live and share there lifes with the person who has become cruley cursed with SCHIZOPHRENIA.this evil illness is probably one the most challenging trying experiences to all involved,my partner of 8 years is a schizophrenic with personality disorder,when i first meet him i thought id meet the most loviest caring kind man that i could ever meet,he moved in with us after a few weeks and id never been so happy after lots of unhappy years.he was 42 and i 32 with two children aged 4 and 9 to who he was great.It didnt take very long till i started to see strange little stupid things,or he would answer me in a odd way which would confuss me but not him,he was a alcholic but not a drunk,he was allso on antidepresants and had been for alot of years,which i didnt think any thing strange i know lots of people who take them including myself in the past.this one night after about 6 months we went out and he got very drunk after we
got home he began to act very strange and talking and shouting out,but there wasnt anyone with him,when i asked him who he was talking to he bagan crying and acting like a young child,you going to live me if i say,:if you say what i asked,it took him a fews hours of crying and panicing behavior before he said IAM A FUCKING NUTTER you dont know what ive done and i hear voices…….i burst into laughter thinking hes just drunk and mucking about,untill i looked at him i assumed he was laughing aswell,but he wasnt,his face had change and allso his mood and his behavior, naw he was very aggressive angry and very frightning,this was not the person who i knew,i was very scared and started to cry asking him whats the matter,the more fear i showed the more he seemed to become worse with in a few mins he sat down and had a razor in his hands i was petrified i really thought i was going to die,i was so confused id never experienced anything close to this,all i could think to do was talk to
him very softly and loving and i held his hand and told him that i loved him very much and how happy iwas that id meet him and asked him to talk to me and what was going on to why he was acting like this he then began to self harm up his arms quite servere there was blood pouring out every where but he calmly carryed on cutting even though ibegan screaming and begging him to stop,he began rocking backwards and forwards asking me to stab him,he then got up and went into our kithen and picked up a big knife held it sharp point to his stomach and asked me to push it in then grabing my hand and tryed to make me push it into him,oh my god i thought what on earth happening i began shouting and screaming at quite aggresively i guess due to shock some haw i managed to grab the knife of him and he ran of to the bedroom crying.I Grabbed all the knifes in the kitchen and threw them out the window of our secondfloor, flat in a terrible state i wondered what he was doing in there i could hear
him once again talking to himself and crying i didnt have a clue what was going on or what to do or who he was,i went into our room and asked him if he would like a drink as iam having one,hea said yes please he was once again back to the child like ways he was to begin with and feeling very sorry for himself in a very winy manner just the same as a child of 4 would behave he was rocking back and forth with one hand up to face sucking on a few fingers, it was exactly as child.i made our drinks and sat next to him on our bed he still crying sayins sorry over and over again and kept saying that i was going to leave him again,i suggested we got into bed and go to sleep and well chat in the morning,i really was so confused and scared it was the only thing i could think off,and after that vodka was hoping hed pass out as i gave him it practicaly neat with tiny bit of coke.i was planing on sitting up all night or sleeping with one eye open.as he layed down i told him i loved him and he
replied back the same still crying and he said to me{iam going to die any}meaning himself,i sat up quike and asked him what he meant after half hour of asking him he started to fall in and out of conciousness and his eyes were going in the back of his head ibagan screaming and shakeing him shouting at him what has he done,i jumped out of bed and ran to find my phone i ran back to the bedroom round his side as i could only get phone signal by the window,thats when i noticed all the empty packets of tablets by the bed i phoned for a ambulance straight away whichcame within 10 min,at the hospital they gave him a stomach pump which was touch and go he was in a bad way,and i mad it all worse be giving him that huge vodka that he downed in one.As i sat out side that room were he was i didnt know what the hell was going on ithink i was in a state of shock and very emotional sad and confused and on my own i wasnt going to phone my mum and tell her even though i really needed her more than
ever,i know whAT she would say straight away ,and my dad would go mental and wont to kill him,i phoned his long term mate who he was very close to and asked him to come to the hospital as he was in being seen as he was very drunk,and nothing else.he arrived soon after and we began to talk i needed to know what the bloody hell that was all about and told him would he was doing,he was not surprised at all and quite calmly told me that he was a manic deppressive paranoid registered schizophrenic, and sayed i thought you knew…….my stomach and mouth hit the floor then it doomed on me that he could have killed me, and that ive been living with a tidking time tomb and my kids have been around this mad psychopath who was capable of any thing i had very little knowledge of the illness and assumed they were all mental and very dangerous and a liability,haw wrong was i,i left the hospital and went home on my own and broke down i cryed all night very confused angry disgusted with my self
and very mixed up.th e next day the hospital phoned saying he was asking for me,i didnt know what i wonted to do,Iknow what i should have done?thats ran in the opposite direction and never look back,but i couldnt it didnt feel right and that confused more,i had had fallen in love with him and he was Mr perfect,but i didnt really know he is he could have been any one on them.i went to the hopital and asked to speak to a psyciatrist or th main person who new about this,three and half hours of listening to him and a lot of sad shocking truths and how lonely and confusing this illness is to cope with and that its not mad people at all they cannot help it or even aware of it or do they know about the different personalities or behaviour changed they go through,but it was reasuring to hear there was medication to take and a normal life led,I naw had to decide my fourture ahead and if i was able to cope or handle the possibilities that could possibly lay a head ……that was 7 and half
years ago,no its not all been easy and its pushed me way to the limits and on the edge of a break down on more than one occassion.and as for him in that time 8 over doses 9 terrible terrifing episodes of psychosis and a lot of heard ache and hard work and as i write this hes in hospital having been sectioned,but i love him very much and he loves me hes my man who i could never be without and a wonderful kind loving person who adores my daughter…it breaks my heart to see the suffering and fear in his eyes that he must be going through and when the voices are telling him to do bad thing i see the agony and cant even start to think what my darling baby is going through i hate it so much that i cant stop them when he begs so much to make them stop…………..i would do anything at that point to help him

The Chosen One

admin — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 18:00:01 +0000

I was diagnosed schizophrenic when I was 17, but I did not believe it. For seven years I suffered un-medicated. But my insanity reached its climax in the summer of 2004. I was a pothead, self-medicating. I also had done magic mushrooms a few times as well as a whole slew of other drugs. On July 25 2004 I snapped. I had just watched the movie The Recruit. I decided to apply to work for the C.I.A.. In doing so I had included within a sentence about killing them if they did not hire me. Crazy huh? Well I started freaking out, after all I just threatened to kill the CIA.

For days I couldn’t sleep. I was afraid the feds were gonna come arrest me as an enemy combatant, no habeas corpus thanks to the evil patriot act. I started hearing voices. There were noises in my attic. There was knocking on my front door, with no one there. I saw my shadow at night moving independently of myself like peter pan’s. The tv began talking to me. The radio was playing songs just for me, everything threatening me. I heard people talking about me over a walkie talkie I had. I was watching The Matrix over and over again, as well as X-men 2. I was convinced I was the one, like Neo, like anakin skywalker. A superhuman mutant who could speak to the dead.

One night my tv convinced me that I was to meet with my CIA recruiter finally. I wandered around for hours expecting to meet with Donald Rumsfield. I was walking around in a thick forest with no flash light. I wasn’t sure if he was going to kill me or not. I went back home. Consulted my talking television one more time. This time it told me exactly where to go. I made a run for it. I remember throwing up as I walked to this strangers house. When I reached the rendezvous point the street lamp began flickering on and off rapidly. Then this man across the street lit off some illegal fireworks with a strobe flash too. Bingo, this stranger, this man, was my CIA recruiter.

I walked up to him and joked about the illegal fireworks and he asked me if I was a cop. I joked again that I was indeed a cop winking at him knowingly. He asked to see my badge. Not having one I pulled a 25 cent piece out of my pocket as my badge. He freaked out and told me to get the bleep off his property. I thought he was just testing me. So I refused. He grabbed a baseball bat and once again demanded I leave his property. I stood firm winking at him the whole time. He called the cops

They showed up in force, pointing guns at me. I was arrested for criminal trespass and impersonating a cop. I still was convinced that this was all a test, like in the recruit when they put him in jail to try and break him. Jail, just part of the initiation process to make sure I could keep my mouth shut. And keep my mouth shut is what i did. I didn’t say a word to the cops. I didn’t even speak when they booked me. I was totally non-compliant. I was thrown in a isolation cell for 7 days. It was hell. I refused to go with the program. I was convinced I was the chosen one, after all the voices in jail were telling me that. I believed I was the Manchurian candidate. That I was a robot built by the Chinese, that it was really the year 2500. I was to be the leader of the army of the dead to destroy George W. Bush for his wicked ways. And bring peace to the galaxy. ha ha. I was terrified I thought now that the CIA was evil and were trying to infiltrate the jail and assassinate me, before I could assassinate you know who.

To make a long story short they broke me. I hadn’t slept in almost 10 days. I took the anti-psychotics offered me and was released into a mental hospital where I was there for 3 weeks. It took me a long time to come back down to reality. If anyone is curious what schizophrenia is like just watch the movie EAGLE EYE. That’s what they did to me. Once they choose you, they control you! Thank god in my case that it was all in my head. Thank god for anti-psychotics. I could not live without Seroquel.

My Teacher

admin — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:55:43 +0000

I always had had some type of schizophrenia with me even when I was small. Schizophrenia is something like, I have a teacher she has magic powers. She can follow me around in other people like spiruatlly. She has other grown up freinds that know me and is at my school as students pretending to be (don’t know why they are there). They all know what I am doing when I’m justing thinking etc and they are professionals in different professions like psychologists. But when I was small it can only occur once every 4 years or so and to a period of one week or one hour etc. It was something like oh people can hear my thoughts or I can talk in my head at a buffet becuase they can hear. People are following me around inside other people. These thoughts still persist today.

In middle school I meet a teacher I admired a lot. I liked her and in my head I was LIke saying in my head, related to a star wars book I read, for some reason ” I want to be your apprentice,” I thought I was going crazy then. I also thought other people, students, that teacher and other teachers can also know what was going on with me psychically like I don’t do anything physical or talk but do soemthing in my mind and they know. Like thinking of a fat man jiggling and they would laugh.

Then in high school When I came back to america I felt like that teacher was following me around. Then all the other stuff above happens and I started talking to myself, talking incoherentaly or jumble stuff up, talk randomly. Then I felt like people can scan my brian like a cat scan ,the teacher’s frends and students, because they knew I was going crazy since they were psychologists. I met with a psychiatrist the year after it started to become an episode in high school. But I refused to take medicine I didn’t know anything about schizophrenia then. Then I fought with my mom in january 2007 and the police sent me to a psychiatric hospital for hurting others.

Everything been going on the same for me, but they follow me more or the same, and I interpert messages in church as messages talking about the people in my delusions. like you should ask the right way or Gob ” my teacher” won’t do what you say or accept you etc.

So thats my story!! I do well in school 3.0 at least in GPa is a senior going to graduate, It doesn’t take my attention away from learning and schoolwork, only it goes on while I’m at school or with other people also with my mom. but it doesn’t “really(UNKOwn)” distract me. I think. and I will get a job go to college graudate get a job, lead a normal life, and do what others will do in their life.

I will not sit on welfare. not that its bad of course.