Schizophrenia Diaries

hi i’m a 22 year old medical student. when i was 10 i first saw a lady in a veil at my school she was walkin across the playground and she suddenly vanished.

when i was 18 i saw a lady’s head all scarred up floating in front of me and growling like a wolf or dog, and next to me a veiled lady was standing. after a few seconds they dissapeared. a few nights later i kept thinkin that someone is tryin to wake me up and i kept feeling the sensation that someone is touching my shoulder.

when i was 20 i was in my bed, one night i could hear scratching at my door, i checked and it was nother. the next night i hear knocking at my door and i opened it and i again saw nothing. i went to wake my parents up and they said they ehard nothing and it was probibily a dream. but the thing is i didnt fall asleep. on the following night i a child crying. now this really scarred me. i thought my house was haunted and i refused to sleep in my room. i told my family about it and they told me i was probabily dreaming. i thougt i was bein rediculous so i went to sleep in my room the following night and i saw a little boy walk out of the cupboard mirror towards me and he stopped at the side of me and dissapeared.

last year during july it was about 12 noon, it was a warm surrny day and the sky was clear. i looked out of my window and i saw a 7foot “creature” slying across the sky, its was glistning gold, i could clearly see the wings flapping.

now i find myself like im not sure how to explain it, but basically im always imagining things i could be doing and i talk to the people in my imagination and i have noticed a few times that i am actually physically whispering whilst im interacting to these people in my imagination. n people have began to notice it aswell.

during the past 3 weeks i have felt so paranoid and anxious, but the difference is that i am aware that these feeling are unjustified and i have no reson to feel this way.

i dont know what i have, as a child i thought i was psychic btu now in med school i have realised i have a serious problem.

im to ashamed to speak to our teachers about it and i was wondering if there are any psychiatrists who may have a clue to whats wrong with me can help…or if anyone has had any similar experiances…

plz i would really appreciate it if u contacted me on dr_alle@live.co.uk

I am a 30 year old female and I live with schizophrenia. It started when I was 15. In high school, the school work was hard and pressures to go to a good college was high. I started to hear people talking to me. At first it was occasional but it quickly started to hear them all the time.
During classses the voices would talk to me and they would even tell me the answers on the test. I tried to get rid of them but they would not go away. I wanted to tell my mom but telling someone you hear voices is hard.
After a while the school told my mom to bring me to a docotr. I went to see the doctor and he put me in the hospital that day. I went on medication and gained over 100lbs. I no longer had any friends and did not take care of myself.
I hated being on medication because of the side effects. Now I have been on medication for over 15 years. I have alot of health problems but I am trying to deal with them. My personality is alot different than it used to be but I like it. I do not have any need for friends and I hate loud noise and flashing lights. I still here voices everyday but I learned to ignore them. Sometimes I do not know if somebody is talking to me because most of the time they are not. I love to be alone and my doctor says that’s bad.
I usually like to stay at home. Now I force myself to go out for at least two hours a day. Life is hard but sometimes I think I am better off than others becuase so many things that bother them do not bother me.

I grew up in a normal family, and I was a bright kid—I.Q. of 140, a straight “A” student. But while I was in college, my concentration began to disappear. I began to hear voices telling me that I was nobody, that I was never going to make it in life. My grades dropped from A’s to C’s. In 1977, I was hospitalized for schizophrenia. I was given electroconvulsive therapy, huge amounts of medication—the whole nine yards. The voices stopped temporarily then, but they weren’t gone for good. After my hospitalization, I tried to find a job and make it on my own. But I couldn’t take it. The voices would be just terrifying. Eventually I moved back in with my mother, and soon after, was sent to another hospital in Jacksonville, Fl.

I was in and out of the hospital and day treatment for a while, as the voices came and went. Sometimes I felt so good that I was in denial about my illness… until symptoms returned. I was so tired of treatment at that point, tired of the stigma I felt from my own mother and even my psychiatrist. He’d told her I’d be disabled for the rest of my life, and she believed it—neither of them thought that a person with a mental illness like schizophrenia could recover.

I couldn’t stand the stigma, so I moved out. My plan was to find a job, but I ended up homeless on the streets in Florida. I had no food, no medicine, and a job working a concession stand. For a while, I was living in someone’s garage, and in exchange for the living space, I had to do all kinds of work. When my symptoms became more severe, I was taken to a crisis unit.

This is where my story turns around. For the first time in my life, I was connected with a social worker who helped me get case management, Social Security, clothes, food, and shelter in an assisted living facility. My insecurities about living alone started to go away, and I felt motivated. This was the beginning of my recovery.

I was prescribed newer, more effective medicines, and a drug called Respidol finally made the voices disappear for good. I was able to live on my own in a regular apartment for the first time. I learned basic coping skills from my case managers and friends, as well as from consumer advocates who had experience in the mental health system. They taught me how to advocate for myself. Their help was so important in my recovery process, it made me want to give something back. I started telling my own story to consumers. Amazingly, I found that doing this not only inspired others, but helped my own recovery. The momentum kept building, like an upward spiral.

After 20 years, I finally went back to college. There were case managers who doubted me, who said I shouldn’t apply for student loans because I might not be able to get the necessary grades. But in the 1990s, I got my bachelor’s and subsequent master’s degree in social work and consistently achieved straight A’s. At this point I was completely independent. I was off Social Security, off Medicare and Medicaid, off subsidized housing. I now own a condo through a rent-to-own program I created, and that’s where I live… with my wife. Did I forget to mention I got married?

Now, I’m the coordinator for the Office of Consumer Affairs in Florida, an office funded by the Florida Department of Children and Families. I supervise peer specialists who are sharing their stories the way I shared mine. When my organization conducts focus groups with consumers, they usually say that it’s a little bit of everything that helped them the most. Not just medicine, not just therapy, not just financial stability, etc. It’s all important to work on, and it’s different for every consumer. Recovery is an individual thing. No one can tell you how to do it—the important thing is to know you can. You have the power and ability to make recovery a reality.

William McDaniels

The Beginning of a new month, and find out that I was dianosed with shizophrenia. I never thought that i would be 1 of 100 people that would ever get it.

Its so weird waking up and not really knowing where I am, not knowing whos around me, seeing things that arent really there, and hearing things that are in my head but arent infront of me or connected to electronic. I thought and I didnt know what was next. I have more then shizophrenhia really set me to thinking if I really had something to wait for next. I was told that it could be cured, but it would be still there, it just takes time getting used to, and actually living with it. I am 14 years old. I have bipolar, paranoia, shizophrenhia, and its my main problem well one of them, I never know what to do. Feeling so afraid of going anywhere alone, and afraid to talk to people.

Shizophrenia, it feels like its taken over me, and who I am as a person.

Hello, This is what I’ve experienced. When I was a little kid, I always heared stuff, somehow I just tend to know things. I also saw things. When I was in school I always knew when I was going to be called on. Lots of times if I didnt know the answer I could sometimes just guess and Id get it right! But it didnt happen offten enough. When ever people talk to me I often know that they are going to talk about and usually say word for word. I never know Im going to know something untill right then or just moments before.

Lots of times Ill tell a story about something and a few days later it will happen on tv. Like Ill be telling my friend about a show and then it will come on. Ive seen but a few movies I dont know whats going to happen. I can almost always, just about 90% of the time tell you what time it is. The only 3 clocks in my house are this computer I got not that long ago, and my friends pc and alarm clock in his room. We have no down stairs clocks. I can guess what time it is within 20 mins every time. Usually im with in 5-6 mins. Ive always heard static. Like live voltage always surging. Often one ear will go deaf to all but a high pitch tone. As I grew I started to hear my name being called out, when I was alone. I often hear something like something is moving around but theres not.

The voices I hear are kinda cool. They help me out sometimes. Other times they mess with me but its all in fun. They like to say:(Hey! Look!), in a wisper and Ill look over and see a hot chick bent over or something cool like that. Their on it! They point out a lot of good stuff. Other times they just converse, and b/s with me. We joke around and talk crap and all the stuff you talk to all your other friends about.

Now Id like to tell you about seeing things. Ok, I know every kid thinks they see the boogie man, but what if your not afraid. I was scared of nothing lots of times, Im sure they messed with me a bit. But any thing I thought I could catch I could kill and not get in trouble for it. I always saw this little guy who looked like a cat. he was all white and had a top hat and monicle. he was about the size of a cat on its hind legs. THat little cat thing used to always stare at me and some times just laugh. I didnt get it. I wasnt doing anything when he came around. I was always just sitting there. He would nevr talk to me or dare come close. At first I was afriad. But he messed up and ran. letting me know he was scared. From that day on I knew I could destroy any of them. But theirs never been a need.

Their not my friends like the voices. I like the voices their cool. The things I see however arnt my frinds but I dont dislike them. Sometimes they do cool things to see or make sweet things happen. They always stay a distance away but a few times theyve come close but its been cool. The things I see can only be called that. I think them to be demons. They are never live people. I do see dead people when I drive and some times Im afraid one time the person standing in the street staring is going to be real. That would suck. Most of the time its some kinda beast looking thing. They always look mean but their not so bad. But all they do is come up and look at me.

I think the voices in my head are here to help me. I think the things I see are hear to just observe me, just keep an eye on me. I often think I maybe a mastermind power of evil like none other. Lots of times I really hear music clean and clear playing loudly. It plays whatever Im in that mood of thinking. If Im angry or just juiced up I hear death metal or psychobilly. When Im calm and just thinking I ofthen hear classical. I hear classical more then anything. I have always had a problem with keeping my thoughts in order. I cant consintrate sometimes. I kinda just drift off and the world around me disapears. If I just stare The whole world becomes gray and then whatevers on my mind is what I see.

I day dream as it were. This is all from when I was a little kid. When I was little their were only 2 people in the whole world I actually cared about. I always wanted them around. My grandpa from my mom, and my dad was the second. But not in that order. My parents devorsed when I was 4. I have a brother 13 months to the day younger. My brother and I lived good with our grandparents untill I was 8. Then we had to move in with our mom. Shes not a good mother to say the least. My brother and I had a really crappy life from then on. When I was 10 our dad died in a car wreck 3 days after my brothers birthday. We have another brother living somewhere with his horrible dad from our mom. My dad remarried soon after and gave us another brother and 2 sisters. They are all good people. A lot of doctors tell me this is why Im mess up. from my dad dying, and my less then happy upbringing.I am a musician. I play guitar and upright bass. Im very god and in fact think myself to one of the best.

Anyway I had a psychobilly band. Get that? schizo-psycho? Well, I did a lot of LSD. I mean I was droping 1 1/2, to 2 1/2 strips at a time. Yes strips. Thats 15 to 25 hits of acid at once. A lot of people think thats my prob. But I saw and heard things way before I ever tripped. I belive myself to be a grand master of LSD. If you know nothing about it, how it works and what it does, go find out now! In short it connects all the reseptors in your brain. Yes IT MAKES YOU SMARTER!!! By conecting everything it enlighens you.

I used to do a chinese meditaton called tai-chi. Its all about chi and and stuff. Look it up! With my studies of chi and LSD, I believe my self to be on another plane above evryone else. I can do things because on my use that other people will never be able to do. Using chi, I can make and physical thing I want in my hand and to me be 100% physical. Other people who I know can also do great things with their minds on LSD. If someone I know is tripping I can make them belive anything I want. I can even make people belive theyve forgotten how to read. I know a cop who once was doubting if he could read because he was drunk.

If you can physically make something like I can then I can change whatever youve made into whatever I want. I can melt it, just make it so hot you’ll drop it, or that cold, that you’ll start shivering. no matter what the real temp, and I can change it back and forth on you as I want. With LSD I can make new demintions. Ive stepped past real life. I can make a new world when ever I want. I think being schizo and a god from LSD use has been the greatest. I dont take meds or go to counsiling. When I was taking meds and talking to my doc, I was like a zombie and all my friends left me. I got real lonely. Everyone told me I looked like hell. Everyone was telling me a lot of stuff. You know what Ive found? Its all stuff bullstuff. How the hell can they claim to know whats going on in a crazys head when theyve never smoked a joint? Never played guitar high? Or god forbid trip and open their minds!

And I proved it. Heres how. I was taking all my meds. I mean to the T of when I was susposed to. I never missed one! I was trying to stop smoking pot but I love it soo much. The doc tell me to stop. But I never have. One day after my 3rd suicide atempt, I have lots of high power meds. I woke up and said F this, this isnt fun. I stoped taking my meds and started smoking more pot. No more meds, but I was still going to talk to the doc 1 times a week. After about 6 months of his b/s. He started to tell me I looked a lot better and that I was doing very well. All tanks to my meds and his help. Well about 4 months before was when I stoped the meds. As for his help, and ALL head doc. their full of crap. I never told them anything because the first time I talkd to someone and tryed to get help they locked me up. put me in a hospital/jail. And I never did anything wrong!

So like hell was I gonna tell them anything. BUt anyway. The day my doc said I was doing very well and was thinking about cutting back our meetings, I just told him outright what was up. That I stoped the meds months ago and that I never really told him anything only what he wanted to hear. Then as I had shut him down and made him feel stupid, I walkd out and never looked back. I disregaurded everything the docs told me and stopped taking my meds, and THEY said I was better! HAHAHAH!!! Docs are jokes! Now I live a lot easier. My friends are back, I hear the music again, and I see what I see.